For those who have given up horses... advice

[niagaraduval]

This is going to be a long thread, it's quite difficult to put feelings into words, I'll try my best.


For those who have known me over the years and followed my threads, you will know all about the issues and difficult situations I've dealt with over the years. You've been an amazing help and I'm so thankful for everyone who has helped me out, given me advice and genuinely listened to me rant.

At this moment in time I own 1 horse, I have owned him for 10 years.

Everything started around 6-7 years ago, with my current boy. He wasn't a good buy from the start but I fell completely in love with him. He was the opposite of what I wanted, way too expensive but I wanted him.

I was used to my quiet hacking horses, and that what I wanted. I however came home with one very strong and young ex racer, who had a heart of gold, looks to die for and was totally 100% on the road, no matter how scared I got by huge lorries speeding past us, drivers dodging around us, me being literally cm from being hit by close drivers. My boy never bat an eyelid and I trusted him with my life. I had a lot of fun on my boy over the years.

His teenage years were awful, I had him on cheap livery at a neighbors house not far from where I live, at the time that's what I thought was best, I just moved to the area and I didn't know anyone or anywhere.
Livery was fine for around a year, after that I wanted more, I needed an arena, I needed people to ride with. I just felt incomplete and I wanted more for his education.

I took my boy away and found a small owners yard, it was again, just me and YO, but again, livery wasn't too bad and it felt like a breath of fresh air when I took my boy away from my neighbors house. He was about 10 miles away, there was only an outdoor arena (with no lights) but hacking was excellent.

The dream quickly turned into a nightmare when the owner of the mare got a new livery arrive, who had a very very sick horse. The mare was bleeding from her nose, it was obvious that she was really ill. Her stable walls were covered in blood, it was something of a horror story. Caught the new owner taking hay out of my stable, things went missing, I had doubts that my horse was even being fed half of the time.

I turned up the next morning to see my horse in that mares stable, covered in blood. It hadn't been disinfected or even cleaned. Still had dirty bedding. I went mental and arranged for a horse box to come and take my horse away the next day. My boy was sick with COPD very shortly afterwards. I had never heard a wheeze or cough and I can only presume that he had caught something from that mare. I nearly lost him several times that winter.

I brought him back to my neighbors house, who was far from ideal but he was close to me and I could look after him. His COPD meant that his hay needed soaking, he needed breathing supplements, and just extra care in general. This was unheard of, and of course the number of times I turned up to find him eating dry hay (and consequently coughing), was uncountable. I was paying for nothing, he couldn't have a straw bed so they just didn't give him any bed at all, he had very little hay, he never went out and although the owner was nice, I still felt that I was paying a lot for nothing and very lonely.

Soon after I brought my boy home, we built him a stable just for him that has all of the front open, so he has constant air flow. He has his hay soaked morning and night and has enough hay for him to get through the day and night comfortably. I look after him on my own so I know how he is being looked after. It was bliss, having my boy at home, it was however all hands on deck to build another stable and get another horse in for company, he was getting more and more crazy by the day being on his own, he spent about 3 weeks on his own whilst I sourced a friend for him.

To this day, I spend every spare penny on supplements, vet bills, for him, I spend hours on end morning and night cleaning his stable, cleaning him, trying to avoid another outbreak but it is getting worse. It's a constant battle every single day to keep him healthy. Summer is better, he is out 24/7 and his COPD is barely noticeable.
24/7 TO is not possible, he's a wuss and loves his stable, but I also don't have enough ground. So I have found a compromise, I have build him a large pen in front of his stable where I can leave the door open and he can come in and out of his stable.
He spends all day out in his pen and comes in at night when he decides.

Although I love my horse very much I can't take it any more, I can't put him on livery and give myself a break as he's not looked after properly everything I do for him, and he is still very sick each winter, livery would kill him. I also can't afford livery, it's expensive here and I no longer want to ever be on a livery yard again.

I can barely afford all his vet bills (I inject him myself now to save money but it is still very expensive) and all the feed supplements, the bedding, the whole lot. I just can't afford it any longer.

I don't want to sound selfish, but I have also just bought a new house with my OH, which we are renovating at the weekends, I work full time, I am also doing a masters degree at uni in evening classes, which I have paid a lot of money for and cannot quit now.

There are no grass livery yards at all, and why spend money on grass livery when I have a small amount of land at home and I have summer fields I can rent quite cheap.

When I have the time to ride him and his health allows us to, I take my boy for hacks, he is very footy and needs shoes, so I can't save money on shoes.

He also this summer had some very worrying neurological issues, I thought it was the end, I'm not sure its totally wise riding him, but after numerous tests we still don't know what could be wrong with him.

He has seen physio, dentist, vet ...

Nothing is wrong with him on paper.

Sometimes he's normal, you wouldn't have a clue that he has so many health problems, we can canter across the fields, pop a small course of jumps, and other times the vet is talking about PTS.

I don't know if I can do this much longer, I love my horse so much, even through all the hard times, we've had more ups than downs I would say.

I no longer want to ride, I no longer enjoy looking after horses, I worry constantly about whether my horse is ok or not and if I will have to spend another night up with the vet. I can't trust anyone to look after him the way I do, I have no help, I have no horsey friends, I actually know no one with horses that I could relate to.

I think I have had enough of horses, I know lots of you on here are more of a horse woman than I could ever be, I've been around horses for over 20 years, and grew up around my mums/grandparents horses. Horses were, are, a massive part of my life.

We have plans to build our stables, I have picked them out and we should start building them soon, I love going tack shopping and dream of owning a lorry so I can go riding on the beach and compete, all the things I have always wanted to do but due to circumstances have never done with my current boy. Does this mean that there is still part of me that wants horses ?

I no longer know what to do with my gorgeous boy... I have talked about PTS so many times on here, but he always seems to pull through, even for a short time.. He seems to enjoy life and I don't want to take that away from him..


Sorry for any spelling mistakes, hope it makes sense, haven't re read.

Thanks for reading, it's helped get a lot of things off my chest.

 

[Spring Feather]

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking for but I hope writing this all down has helped you figure it out. Apart from his health issues, he sounds like a wonderful horse to me.

 

[Madali]

This is a sad story. You must be very lonely dealing with all this on your own.
I think you have done a sterling job over the last 6 years and maybe it is time to let him go for your sake as well as his own.
I know it is a massive and heartbreaking decision to make especially when there are brief times when your boy seems healthy.
Reading your post though it is clear to see that your heart is not in it any more.
Give yourself a break. Do your house up and spend some quality time with your partner.
You can then see how you feel about horses in the future.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[Exploding Chestnuts]

I can understand , but can only offer hugs.
If you can't afford it and can't go on then you have to do the pts thing, I had my boy booked, and there was nothing wrong with him.. so I know where you are.

 

[twiggy2]

for most of us having a horse means you go without other things-if you do not want to go without other things (time/money/new house etc) then the horse has to go, TBH it does not sound like he can be having a lot of fun in the winter when his health is bad.
I have no problem with a decision either way as long as the horse is not suffering

 

[honetpot]

You make me want to cry. I am probably a bit older than you so I have had to say goodbye to quite a few of my equine friends. The hardest bit is deciding, I once told a friend at work my problems, a mistake. Any way I turn it over, cry to myself and then get a plan and do it. I will always miss them as they were, I think there is no shame in letting go, and making space in your heart for something else.

 

[JillA]

I so know where you are coming from. Too much work to keep them, too little time for yourself, and it is mostly do-able until winter strikes, no daylight, mud, cold, rushing around, no enjoyment.
So many times I have pondered giving up after 50 years, and TBH it is only the problem of how to sort the future for a couple of unhomable horses that keeps me hanging in there. If I only had one ridden horse, I might sell my place, put him on full livery and go on a holiday/cruise/whatever.....................but I know in my heart of hearts it wouldn't suit me long term, within months I would be climbing walls and keen to be involved with horses more on my own terms, my own place, NOT with someone else in control (control freak, moi??).
Can you get someone to do him for a few days, just to help with the dark days of winter - maybe you could swap favours of one sort or another. Just have a break any way you can, just to hang in there until spring? If that isn't going to do it for you, then I'm afraid you only have one answer, and it is a difficult one.
You don't say what his symptoms are apart from COPD, is it asthma type degeneration of his lungs? What does the vet say - have you tried a homeopathic or herbal vet, or is there really no option other than to nurse him?

 

[Evie91]

as twiggy said -having horses means most of us have to sacrifice other things. IMO horses are very much a life style choice- their needs comes first and last and they cost a huge amount of money.

Winter is always hard, think lots of horsey folk lose heart in the winter, especially when horse gets sick or injured -at least you can ride in the summer and his health seems better then. Sounds like a lovely horse when he is well.

It is hard having to manage on your own, when all of the decisions and work is left to you alone (mine are at home too).

Thing is, with horses you have to take the rough with the smooth ( my mares retired, I so miss riding but can't afford another).

Not long now until spring, then things get easier!

 

[Theocat]

Your horse isn't well and it sounds as though he's suffering. You are finding things hard because you are doing everything you can to look after him properly. Working on your house (and maintaining your relationship), and getting on with your education, are not selfish things.

In your shoes I'd tell myself that the next time he has an episode of ill health, I'd PTS. You can enjoy and make the most of your time together and the decision, or at least the timing, is taken out of your hands, which should make it easier.

Hugs - you are clearly at the end of your tether.

 

[Red-1]

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I think you have decided, but need to see what the reaction of others would be?

IMO in this situation the owner is always right. If you think it would be better for you both then please, know that from me I think you are right. If you decide to keep him, then I think that is right too. You are the one living your life, and I will support you.

The only time I think it is the wrong decision is if a horse is suffering.

Also, I would not rule out PTS, have a rest while you sort out your house and life in general, then get another when the time is right.

It sound like you have done the utmost for your horse and he is still not happy or healthy. It does not sound like you could have done any more. X

 

[StarcatcherWilliam]

This is so sad and I feel so sorry for you, so much so that I am in tears reading your post. You really need a break from him, although I know that's not possible. I think that you will regret PTS as you obviously love him an awful lot. Is there anyone (family member or friend??) who can take care of him for a while to give you a rest?

 

[niagaraduval]

Thank you for your kind words.

Unfortunately I don't know anyone who could look after the horses, even if I paid them or I most def would get some help. My friends are not horsey at all and wouldn't have a clue about how to look after them especially my boy who needs lots of care.

I don't know what sets the COPD off, all I can imagine is that it's is environnement, even though he is out all day and his stable is pretty much a closed field shelter he still gets very ill in the winter.

I literally can't do any more to prevent the out breaks, but they are becoming more and more frequent.

His lungs are pretty much shot I think, although in summer he doesn't cough at all even with all the pollen and the dry dusty ground, which is surprising.

I know horses are about sacrifices, I have made sacrifices all my life (mostly financial and social wise) for my horses.

For what it's worth my OH so far has paid for all the renovation work on our house I have been paying out for the horse, which is costing more and more as he gets worse. It's not so much the money that is important, I think it's more the heartache that I feel everytime I hear him cough and every time I have to give him his injections.

He is on ventipulmin granules in his feed aswell as breathing supplements which he is on non stop constantly, which I can only give for a short period at a time and currently on cortisone injections every evening, again which I can't continue for long periods at a time.
I rotate between naf respirator boost, easy breath and equine america airways extra strength.

Also feeding garlic and adding water to the feed to reduce any dust as well as living out in the day, on dust extracted bedding at night and having hay soaked morning and night totally submerged in water for a good hour before feeding.

I also regularly give sloppy bran mash which he likes.

He mainly coughs after he rolls (which is first thing each morning several times).

My OH would never look after him or lend me money to pay for him, I pay for vet bills most month infact now it's in my monthly budget as I know I roughly spend around £160 just on vet each month (injections & ventipulmin).

On top is bedding, hay, feed, supplements and shoes.

He is a lovely horse and I too think I could regret PTS but I can no longer watch him suffer (which is not all the time but when it strikes it is bad) and know that I can't do anything more to help him. It's heart braking making so much effort, paying so much money, doing so much work just to keep him alive it feels.

Maybe I should wait it out until spring.. he should go out 24/7 in april.

 

[Identityincrisis]

I was in a very similar situation with my old boy, although I was on livery I do everything myself and rarely had even an afternoon or a morning off. My boy was an aging TB and was very high maintenance, he would get ovee one thing and I'd be happy only to go down and a new problem/ailment would rear it's head. I adored this horse but it was killing me seeing him with one issue after another, it was a constant worry to what I would go down to next. I was exhausted and constantly crying as I didn't l like seeing my beautiful, strong horse like this. I spoke to vets and farriers and although it was heartbreaking I made the decision that pts was going to be here sooner or later and I didn't want him to deteriorate more.

So, I made my decision which was, get him better this time, let him enjoy a bit of spring sunshine and set the date. The 'countdown' was horrific, I made myself very poorly with the stress and upset of it but I grieved for him while he was alive, I spent every minute I could with him, pampered him, hugged him (he hated that!) And took lots of photos. It was as sad as I expected and I panicked when the vet arrived, wondering if I was doing the right thing but I have always stood by the saying better a month too early than a day too late, and that has helped me since.

I feel for you as it is such a tough decision and only you can make itbut hopefully other's advice can help you make it a little easier

 

[[59668]]

My goodness you've done everything for him. You've thought through every option and built your life around him. I don't think you'd be doing a selfish or wrong thing to let him go. No guilt.

 

[Clodagh]

Your horse isn't well and it sounds as though he's suffering. You are finding things hard because you are doing everything you can to look after him properly. Working on your house (and maintaining your relationship), and getting on with your education, are not selfish things.

In your shoes I'd tell myself that the next time he has an episode of ill health, I'd PTS. You can enjoy and make the most of your time together and the decision, or at least the timing, is taken out of your hands, which should make it easier.

Hugs - you are clearly at the end of your tether.

I think this is an excellent idea. I have a dog in a similar situation, next time she is ill she is going, I do understand.

 

[niagaraduval]

Thought i'd add a picture of the gentleman in question :



(Please click link to see picture)

 

[Notimetoride]

I have spent 10 years EXACTLY where you are. In fact I could have written your story. My horse's problem wasnt COPD but hoof abscesses. I put my heart and soul into getting him sound, and nearly bankrupted myself ! The horse was (note I put 'was') my absolute life - the centre of my world. Incredibly well bred (very famous blood lines) and every time I saw him my heart sung. However, I became his nurse. Our relationship was purely nurse/patient. I thought many times of PTS but like you, he then pulled through. Upshot is, he spent more time lame than sound, and wasnt getting younger. It seriously affected my own state of mind and stress levels - feeling sick when going to the stables as I was afraid of whether he would be lame again. Holidays were almost impossible. So, after a LOT of deliberation, finally had him PTS last month. It is asbolutely heatbreaking as he was otherwise perfectly healthy, and the morning he was pts I turned him out and he trotted off, full of life. But it absolutely had to be done. It took over my entire life and whilst I loved being with him, my nerves were totally shot with all the stress. It was sooooo hard to do, but it was the ONLY thing to do. I couldnt keep him sound and had given my whole life to him trying to keep him sound, but in the end failed. I miss him every day, but i now have my life back. Still not sleeping too good but that will hopefully come in time. For now - its lovely being warm and dry, with no horse related stress Good luck - you have some big decisions to make xxxxxx

 

[LadyRascasse]

I am sorry that you feel the need to write this but the fact you do shows how you are really feeling. If his bad days are starting to outweigh his good days then it is time. I can completely sympathise as I had to have my boy PTS this summer when recovering from a fractured pedal bone he started show neuro signs and became very dangerous. When he was ok he was his normal self but when he had his episodes (his veins in his face would swell) he was horrid and entirely not his fault at all poor boy (he did serious damage to me and kicked down part of a stable wall having an episode). I have always been of the mind it is far better to do it a day to early than a day to late BUT as an owner only you will know when that day approaches.

Whatever you decide you are not wrong.

 

[Notimetoride]

Can I add, having just had my horse PTS, that whilst it hurts like hell, I can promise you will actually feel a sense of relief. You may not believe me right now, but you will. If thats the way you decide to go, the absolute hardest part is actually making that decision, and picking up the phone to the vet. All the best xxx

 

[meesha]

I would consider pts, if you can't stand to do this totally turn him away on retirement livery or in a herd, if he can cope (I am assuming any hay fed dry may be his downfall) then great. If not then pts.

One other alternative would be to ditch any hay and try Haylage if you haven't already or hay replacer.

Horrible situation to be in, hope you manage to sort something out x

 

[Identityincrisis]

I agree with notinmetoride, I did feel relieved, which I feel guilty about but it is understandable when we have nursed our beloved animals through so much and no longer have the stress and worry.

I had Rock pts in April and got another horse, he's a youngster and tough as old boots so don't worry half as much!

Give yourself time but don't rule out another, and try not to feel guilty about loving another as I'm sure your boy would want you to be happy

 

[Evie91]

He is beautiful.

Think theocats idea is a good one.

Only you can decide where your cut off limits are re; spending money and time.

It sounds like you are doing as much as you can for him, sounds like he is loved very much. He is fortunate that you care so much about him.

 

[limestonelil]

Didn't want to read this then not reply.
He is a lovely horse in that photo, and you have put your heart into looking after him and ensuring the best you can do for him. Just wondering, does he still look like that during his 'well' times?
I agree totally with Red-1's post above, and am also sorry about the difficult situation you are in.
xx

 

[Princess16]

Thought i'd add a picture of the gentleman in question :



(Please click link to see picture)

((Hugs)) I have been reading through your posts sometimes wish photo was not included as it makes me want to cry! He is absolutely beautiful. What an awful position to be in but you must do what is right for you and him. Hoping you find the strength and courage to make the right decision x

 

[SadKen]

My mare tore a shoulder muscle and never came fully sound afterwards. My parents spent a fortune on the vet, and in the end I was so worn out with it all that I gave up riding and didn't look at another horse for 10 years. We should have pts, for everyone's sakes. You have done wonderfully by your boy. Your love for him shines through your post, and if you decide to PTS, it will be because that's the best thing for him.

Not everything is fixable, and sometimes accepting that is the only way forward. Hugs from me.

 

[Dannylandrover]

I have also been in a similar situation and although it was heart breaking, i always said after the horrific starts in life my boys both had, i would never let them suffer. My Appaloosa that i had for 20 years finally succumbed to dementia. he was healthy physically but was showing very strange, unpredictable and dangerous behavior, including kicking me totally out of the blue, trying to drown me whilst on a hack and attacking people totally unprovoked. The vet said he had dementia and the safest thing would be to put him to sleep, so i turned him away for the summer (in a safe field next to my ponies) and then before it got cold, the vet was called and he was humanely put to sleep. Then i had a shetland that i had rescued from some rough travellers, i had him 20 years and he taught so many children to ride, he did mounted games, evented, did pony club and stayed out all day hunting. Suddenly out of the blue he got laminitis and when we did blood tests he had cushings, Bob went down so fast, in a week he had to be doped on bute just to stand, it was so sad to see him so unhappy, he loved to be ridden and play in the field. I gave the kids all a week to say goodbye and i also had him PTS, i cried for days and still miss them both, but i would never let a horse suffer. You need to be strong and follow your head not your heart, i no longer ride or have horses due to an accident, but today my decision would be the same. I send you hugs xx

 

[JillA]

Sometimes actually making the decision takes a weight off your mind - it seems to me that is what you are wrestling with, rather than the work/expense. It is hard to give up hope - some veterinary breakthrough might appear in the next week which will cure him, but that is Disney world and I think you know, really, that you only have one choice, the question is when.
I think the next episode is the time, give him what healthy time you can and then the next time you see him struggling, let him go, for both your sakes.

 

[My Muppet]

Oh you poor love this is heartbreaking to read. Your love for him shines through. You have turned yourself inside out for your beautiful friend. Sadly he's not getting any better. Let him go darling, there's nothing more you can do for him but this one final kindness release him from suffering. Don't make him go though winter, cold air can cause discomfort and coughing. I know it's hard and it hurts but seeing him coughing his poor lungs up on a daily basis has to be distressing too. Big hugs Sweetheart'

 

[Dave's Mam]

You poor love.

 

[Dave's Mam]

I have just read this again & I am in bits for you. You quite obviously adore your bobbo.