Getting back into horses or having a second child

[Penguin_Toes]

Hello

I'm just looking to spark a discussion because I know nobody can really tell me what to do!

I've always ridden and owned horses. I was never going to set the world alight, but I did BE 90cm, riding club stuff and a little bit of hunting. It was my absolute passion.

I sold my horse in 2016 and had my son in Jan 2018. It hit me like a ton of bricks, he was an awful, colicky baby and I had a bit of postnatal depression, but he's adorable now.

Anyway, my husband says it all worked out for the best, the three of us are a happy little triangle and that we should plan for me getting a new horse when my son starts school (my husband isn't horsey but he enjoys the lifestyle and is quite frankly amazing). He says he'd enjoy the daddy/son time if I were at the yard at the weekend for a few hours.

However, I can't get my mind off having another baby. I feel like if it went well it would exercise all my postnatal depression demons, and that I could always get back into horses when I'm in my mid 40s.

My husband would NOT be up for having two kids on his own while I played ponies at the weekend. I also feel pressure to provide my son with a sibling and my parents with another grandchild.

Has some hormonal switch gone off that's making me crave another child? Has anyone else been through this?

I work full time in a job I love, and going back to work was when I started enjoying being a mum.

I think I'd be fine either way if the decision were taken out of my hands - it's the fact I'm lucky enough to have the choice.

I'm 34 in case that matters and would be able to afford full livery through the week if I only had one child and he was in school. I'm having a weekly private lesson at the moment to keep my eye in

 

[mini_b]

Horses.

I did the child and job, gave up horses in my early twenties due to circumstances. didn’t think too much of it at the time but I felt I was constantly grieving. Something was missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I went through about 4 months of being broody but I had the snip and bought another horse.
I can honestly say my mental health has never been better, I spend more time outside and I feel like I’ve reclaimed part of myself rather than just mother/wife. Id never risk another bout of PND either as I was really not well, and it kind of just continued into being depressed/unstable for years after that.

you love your job and your OH isn’t up for looking after 2 kids while you are in pursuit of something you love. That’s bound to be something you argue about if you go for both. You’d be missing out, again.
don’t wait til your 40’s - get going now!

(sorry if it comes across as blunt! Just wanted you to know my similar thoughts/experience)

 

[meleeka]

What if second baby was as awful as the first? There’s 7 years between my two kids and I think it was pretty good. I had horses all the way through but was only looking after one small child at a time really. By the time the second one came the older one was much more independent and more of a help than another one to look after. They don’t argue which is also a bonus and they don’t need to compete with each other if there’s a bigger gap. I know I wouldn’t have managed two small children together. Hats off to anyone that can.

 

[Griffin]

Horse! I don't have children but at 34, you still have time in the future to have another child if both you and your husband want to (and I think it does have to be both of you).

If it was me, I would get a horse because if they are your passion, they will get you through a lot mentally (I would probably be sectioned without my mare, despite her numerous quirks). If you decided after getting a horse to have another child, you son will be that much older and you can always take baby to the yard in a buggy.

 

[CMcC]

Reading your post it comes across to me that your stronger desire is for a second child, you have postponed in your mind getting back into horses for another 10 years.

Try for another baby and and make horses plan B.

Disclaimer: I don’t have children and never wanted them, so you probably don’t want to listen to me.

 

[EventingMum]

Why is there pressure to provide your son with siblings or your parents with another grandchild? There are no rules as to how many children a woman should have! I'm an only child and so is my son - neither through choice, my mother and I just happen to have faulty reproductive systems - and I really don't think either of us suffered by not having siblings. Life would have been different with siblings for us both but not necessarily better or worse. The important thing for your son is to have a mother who is happy in herself and if that involves you having a horse that's great!

 

[Ample Prosecco]

However, I can't get my mind off having another baby. I feel like if it went well it would exercise all my postnatal depression demons

This phrase jumped out at me. In my view, the only reason to have a baby is because you want a baby not becuase of what you believe that baby might help you get over. It rarely works that way. If you feel your PND demons need exorcising, then seek counselling to help you come to terms with your experiences. Don't have a baby to try and address it.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

 

[Abi90]

I would choose the horse but I have no desire to have children at all so probably not the best person to contribute!

However, I would say that it should be because you want one and because of external pressure (I have a lot of that) and it does sound like your husband is not keen and you both really need to want one

 

[Lintel]

Horses.

 

[mini_b]

Horses.

This was my initial reply! but felt like elaborating would help!
But yes. Horses.

 

[windand rain]

I love kids and to a point I know that exorcise demons bit as my daughters were both born with birth defects one survived one didnt but I had 2 healthy wonderful sons my heart always made me feel I needed a healthy daughter. I didnt but chose the horse instead. Then had a bad time and resolved never to have another horse lasted less than 6 monhs as my life has always been for horses. So if I were you I would park the idea of a second child and do the horse route if you still want a second child in a year or two the older child will need less care and OH might be happy to have daddy time with both.

 

[Cortez]

Horses. There are way too many humans in the world as it is.

 

[ihatework]

The only reason to have a baby is because you really really want one. And if that is how you feel then do it sooner rather than later IMO. If you aren’t yearning for that second child then start pony shopping!

 

[hobo]

I know nothing about having children but you say you need to exercise your postnatal depression what if you have PN depression again, keep having children until one doesn't give you PN depression.
OH sounds wonderful encouraging you to go back to horses though I would never have given them up to have a child so maybe it is not that important to you. It also sounds like he is happy with the three of you and remember it was him that had to live through your depression.

Great debate though but it was probably always going to be weighted towards back to horses rather than more children on this forum!

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

You need to decided what your actual genuine first choice scenario would be. And then you need to see whether it's compatible with what your husband also wants. I wouldn't worry too much about your son being a "one and only" unless it actually does worry you if you see what I mean?! Like, don't feel you SHOULD be worried about it. There are pros and cons of having siblings (I've got 4 kids, and I'm pretty sure they'd all be very happy with fewer siblings and more mummy time)

And you defo can't even begin to worry about grandparents on top of everything else!!

My personal situation: we've got a kids pony at home, and then I do a small amount of commitment free riding myself at riding school/trekking centre (and occasionally beg rides off friends!) It's working out OK for me at the moment.

 

[teddypops]

Does your husband want another child? If he does, why wouldn’t he look after his own 2 children? I would go for the horse because even if you have more kids in time, you are still allowed to have your own interests and hobbies. I kept my horses when I was pregnant and got my son a Shetland when he was about 2!

 

[PapaverFollis]

Horses.

To be brutally honest I don't think you an assume you'll escape PND the second time and it could be even worse as you deal with new baby plus small toddler! Your hormones will still do the all over the place thing which is what triggers the PND is it not?

My view is clearly skewed by not being able to imagine wanting kids at all. But I really don't understand needing to give a kid a sibling? My brother's life was not much improved by my presence as a younger sister I can tell you that much!

If your husband would not want to look after HIS 2 kids on his own while you enjoy some me-time then I think a second kid would be off the cards regardless of horse ownership or not!

 

[canteron]

So a horsey forum is probably the wrong place to post this question!! If you try mumsnet the answers are going to be very different.

But to me, the question is more about your family relationship than horses. Was your OH excited the first time around or did him come round to it when it all became a reality. Having two children is an complete commitment, and total lifestyle. I genuinely don't think it is fair to push anyone into fathership unless you have a really frank discussion. Imagine 30 years (a long time) from now, will you both feel sad you don't have a brood of grandchildren, or will you actually be totally immersed in your life - how would you both see each scenario?

If it was me, I would go the horse route, but I have 2 children with 2 grandchildren and totally see the difference between the dream (Boden catalogues always have gorgeous 2 children) and the reality and there is no guarantee that children are going to fulfil all you needs, but if its going to always chip away then ..... ?

There is no wrong decision, but while you can always sell a horse if its wrong also annoyingly they don't tend to visit you in your old age (but you have the best memories).

 

[windand rain]

I have 6 grandkids 4 and under but my son says if his second son had been the first he would have been an only child in much the way I said the same about him he was the youngest

 

[Snow Falcon]

I didn't give up my ponies, just cut down whilst I had my children. I always wanted kids, mine are only 23 months apart.

I think you need to talk to your husband. If you both want a second child personally I would have the children then pick up the horses after completing your family. Otherwise it could be stop then start again.

Also make sure the PND is addressed before commencing another pregnancy.

My eldest rides, there is nothing quite like sharing my passion together.

 

[Trouper]

I agree you are asking the wrong people here - sorry that is not the most helpful reply. But the only people who matter here are you and your husband and only you two can answer that question.
Your husband sounds really supportive on the horse front but you don't make it totally clear on how he feels about a second child - whether you add a horse into the mix or not. There seems to be some "external" reasons why you are considering a second child - but is that what you really want?
Either way I think it is one decision at a time to give yourself some breathing space and to see how it all works out.

 

[Micropony]

If both you and your husband both really really really want another child then have one, and let the rest of the cards fall as they may.

If you don't really really really want another child, both of you, then it would probably be a bad idea to have one. And very possibly an absolutely terrible idea.

I don't have children myself, but have seen friends make their lives much more difficult, complicated and unhappy than they need to be by having multiple children either due to a passing hormonal urge, or to please other people, or because they felt it was their duty in some way.

I think the fact you're asking this question on here probably contains the answer...

Edited to add: I do also know people with more than one child who are very happy with their lot, didn't mean to sound like a complete misery! I just think it's one of those things where you should be absolutely certain before you do it that it's definitely completely 100% what you want, for the right reasons.

 

[wills_91]

I know nothing about having children but you say you need to exercise your postnatal depression what if you have PN depression again, keep having children until one doesn't give you PN depression.
OH sounds wonderful encouraging you to go back to horses though I would never have given them up to have a child so maybe it is not that important to you. It also sounds like he is happy with the three of you and remember it was him that had to live through your depression.

Wow ?. Pretty sure that the op had to live through her depression as well. What a thoroughly hideous comment to make - unless you have suffered from this you really have no idea what it's like. None.

OP - I can't decide from your post if your husband wants another child or not and I think that needs to be your starting point. You could have a second child and continue with lessons or a share and go back to it properly when your kids are older. But you both need to be on board with having another.

I had terrible pnd with my 2nd (also a 2018 baby) I got help from an excellent Councillor and if you haven't had supper I would suggest maybe looking into this to.

 

[nikicb]

I think you need to take it back to basics. Forget horses for a minute and work out whether you and your husband want another baby. To me that's a much bigger decision than whether you want to buy another horse. Once you are clear on that, the horse buying situation can fit in with your family situation. I am a mother. My youngest son is nearly 18. I am just as competitive/keen, if not more than when I was in my 30s. x

 

[Littlebear]

100% horses
I have a kid / job / horse etc and I don’t think I would cope as well as I do without that little escape for some me time at the stables.
My child is now at school and my balance has just hit the point that I’m really happy about so I wouldn’t personally want to add another child to it now or in the future.
I think having more than one child would change things a lot, he also enjoys coming with me and helping out and what not and I would find that hard with 2.
Keep in mind that as they get older your time will get swallowed up with their clubs after school I also wouldn’t want that 2 fold x

 

[SusieT]

It sounds like you may regret not having another child- at 34 you are getting a little older. There is no reason your husband should be less likely to have two than one child to look after on his own- they will be his as well and presumable you will have two on your own at some point so fairs fair...
I'd also suggest you might be better to have next child now, then its done and dusted and when you do get back into horses it wont be interrupted.

 

[hobo]

Wills I did not mean it in a rude way just that he has said he is happy with the family he has now, and he would have seen her pain and maybe does not want her to go through it again. I was trying to say depression does not just affect the person who is suffering with it.
OP said she will make her own mind up but was interested to see what other people thought. So you do not have to have had PN depression to comment.

 

[Jules111]

I have two children, one planned, one a surprise. I'd never regret the decision to have either of them, they are wonderful people and I'm very proud of them. That said I think i'd rather dig out my womb with a rusty spoon than have a third . For us there was a huge difference between having one and having two. One wasn't too bad to drag along to most things - probably down to his laid back personality. The second is a handful, thankfully she's the horsey one and is happy to spend most of her time with me and the horses. There is very little "me time" though, her being horsey often means her riding and competing trumps my plans. Leaving her behind with my husband whilst I ride isn't always an option because she want's to be with her pony too. There are lots of lovely times too, I really enjoy us sharing an interest and being able to hack out with her on a Sunday morning is lovely. My final thought... Picture yourself in 20 years time looking back on your life so far, can you imagine yourself regretting having only one child, if that thought makes you feel sad then you have your answer.

 

[fredflop]

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband.

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

You and your Husband need a talk...!!!!
I can see arguments for both sides...
I didn't want kids but fell pregnant when I was 26, had my daughter after I turned 27 (wasn't with the father, got shot of him before I found out I was pregnant ?) She was born with severe disabilities and took up a massive amount of my life so having another baby never entered my head. She was almost 7 when she died, now 5 and a half years ago. I will be honest, there is a part of me that regrets not going for having another but I'm 40 next year and I doubt it will happen (partly because I'm single lol) and due to the higher risks involved I don't think I could go through all of that again. I have my horses and I'm not yearning for a baby, I've never had the biological clock thing going on, I guess what I'm trying to say is that horses are something you can always come back to but having another child will have a timescale. You BOTH need to decide if having another is a definite thing you want before you commit xx