Getting back into horses or having a second child

[PurBee]

The reasons you list for having another baby is more about what role the baby will fulfil for you and others, and less about what you as a family would love to offer another child. Yet i appreciate those reasons you have listed as being valid concerns.
I’d try first talk therapy for PPD, strong supportive childgroup friends for baby number 1, and a pet poodle for your parents to gush over! Youre young enough to wait a few years to have baby number 2....have a break, enjoy horses and see how the PPD fans out. Babies do mess with hormones...especially after the high of pregnancy hormones!
Give yourself time, don’t rush such a huge decision.

 

[Nasicus]

You can always sell a horse if you change your mind. Babies, not so much.

 

[Lois Lame]

Has some hormonal switch gone off that's making me crave another child? Has anyone else been through this?

Yes and yes.

 

[Lois Lame]

I think I'd be fine either way if the decision were taken out of my hands - it's the fact I'm lucky enough to have the choice.

IMO, a horse is a much better idea

 

[AUB]

When I read your post I think you’ll regret not having a second child.

Personally I’m doing both the second child and having a horse, but my husband is also very ok with being alone with the children while I’m in the stable. And I have a sharer that hacks my horse twice weekly, so that gives me a few days off. So I ride about 4-5 days weekly of which only 2-3 are weekdays after work.

 

[dogatemysalad]

Life is a series of stages when different things take priority, education, relationships, career, children, caring for elderly parents etc.
Horses have always been the love of my life from the moment I first sat in the saddle at the age of 2.
I gave up horses for 10 years in my 20s to have 6 children in 8 years. It now seems such a short time to have been away. My youngest is 30 now and she's grown up around horses.
If I could have my time again, I'd do exactly the same thing. Each decade has been wonderful in its own right.
Do what's right for you. It's not a choice between having horses or children, it's a choice between priorities for a relatively short while.

 

[mini_b]

Life is a series of stages when different things take priority, education, relationships, career, children, caring for elderly parents etc.
Horses have always been the love of my life from the moment I first sat in the saddle at the age of 2.
I gave up horses for 10 years in my 20s to have 6 children in 8 years. It now seems such a short time to have been away. My youngest is 30 now and she's grown up around horses.
If I could have my time again, I'd do exactly the same thing. Each decade has been wonderful in its own right.
Do what's right for you. It's not a choice between having horses or children, it's a choice between priorities for a relatively short while.

for some it really is a choice. Affordability (ie full livery) if you want to juggle a child and a job. Or taking a step back from work to have said child and also being able to afford a horse.

I would have done same as you if I could have kept horse at home (my parents, paid up mortgage etc) but I couldn’t. I literally couldn’t spread the cost being off work.
Honestly hats off to those who make it work.

 

[Penguin_Toes]

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the late reply, I needed to confirm my new email address before responding.

What incredible, thoughtful responses, thank you so much for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was 'dissing' only children - absolutely not! I was just trying to get at the general sense of pressure you have as a woman - everyone kind of leaning of you until you've got your 2.4 children and can be put in the right box (one boy, one girl of course ).

I know my sister is nothing but a giant pain in my arse.

I think we both would like another, but are scared and would be ok if it didn't happen as well.

I just miss the lifestyle. When I see someone out hacking I want to telepathically tell them "I'm one of you! I had horses too once! Can I pat him??"

I'm not actually from a horsey family myself so I don't have many role models of woman 40+ with their own horse. It's just teenaged girls at the riding school I attend and I moved away from where I used to live and my old horsey crowd (North Yorkshire).

I am loving hearing everyone's different experiences. No children, children and a break from horses, children and keeping the horses on the side. It's really interesting, thank you

 

[Trouper]

Well there's breaks from horses - and then there are breaks! I gave up at 18 for career reasons and did not return until my 60's - but then with a vengeance when the riding was not enough and I soon wanted my own again. The only thing I regret is that I did not return a bit earlier as now I would love another (had to pts 2 in relatively quick succession) but mid-70's is not the time to be taking one on. You have time on your side so don't rush the decision.

 

[Penguin_Toes]

I gave up at 18 for career reasons and did not return until my 60's - but then with a vengeance when the riding was not enough and I soon wanted my own again.

Well that is fabulous!

I also appreciate the people saying I'm going to get biased responses here.

I just find horses make absolutely no sense to anyone who doesn't have the passion, so I can only really ask the question to people who will 'get' the conundrum!!

 

[PurBee]

Well there's breaks from horses - and then there are breaks! I gave up at 18 for career reasons and did not return until my 60's - but then with a vengeance when the riding was not enough and I soon wanted my own again. The only thing I regret is that I did not return a bit earlier as now I would love another (had to pts 2 in relatively quick succession) but mid-70's is not the time to be taking one on. You have time on your side so don't rush the decision.

have you thought about sharing Trouper? You get the opportunity to get stuck in with the day to day jobs, ride, enjoy being around horses, without ‘full commitment’

Also, penguintoes, that’s an option for you if you and your husband decide on baby number 2, and you still want to enjoy horse-life, sharing is a great halfway house.

 

[PurBee]

I stepped away from horses late teens until early 30’s due to career/situations. only because my mind thought the options were to own a horse or not own a horse. I dont know why i didnt consider sharing....that would have been the perfect compromise!

 

[Penguin_Toes]

Interesting! I had just discounted sharing in my mind as I tried this in my early twenties and found the sharer/owner relationship a bit difficult (she didn't really ride herself and seemed weirdly annoyed that I did!).

It would be a great compromise if I could get it to work. Perhaps it would be easier now I'm older and more confident.

I'm in Cheshire, 10 mins from Somerford, although I can't imagine any of those pros need a sharer

Thanks for the suggestion, real food for thought!

 

[Trouper]

have you thought about sharing Trouper? You get the opportunity to get stuck in with the day to day jobs, ride, enjoy being around horses, without ‘full commitment’

Thanks Purbee - it's a nice thought but even my horsey friends get twitchy when I mutter about getting back on board again. Not sure I could convince a sharer I could manage - tho' my physio might provide a reference as she says riding is good for creaky joints!!!!!

 

[Reri1826]

I have 2 children, 5 and a half years apart.

I would have had a second sooner but ex didn’t want another. I did once no1 got to about 2/3. I had 2 horses, lost one just before Baby no1 was born. I still have no2, he is a veteran and I don’t ride anymore, although he could be a light hack. I work full time, which means there is little spare time!

Once my veteran is gone, I won’t have another for a while. Children are only children for such a short time and horses will be there when they are grown up.

I personally would have regretted choosing horses over another child. Although in terms of cost and stress they probably work out about the same

Whilst I can see the point some are making about your reasons, having children is always going to be an inherently selfish decision anyway, so I’m not sure the reasons really matter that much. I would second the counselling for PND though.

 

[PurBee]

maybe your horsey friends are worried their horses are somewhat fresh and could injure you? If i had a solid ride, i’d be thrilled to share with anyone enthusiastic enough, no matter age...in fact, i’d prefer older = more experience!

From what folk have said on here, finding a good share ‘match’ can be the tricky part, it’s worth trying out a few, being willing to part amicably if not working, but a great share match really can be years of fun and mutually supportive.

 

[PurBee]

post above reply to trouper - reply quote function isnt working for some reason!?

 

[conniegirl]

Trouper, if you were anywhere near me (and light enough) you would be most welcome to ride my little old lad.
Someone to hack him out and love him is exactly what he needs.

 

[Trouper]

Trouper, if you were anywhere near me (and light enough) you would be most welcome to ride my little old lad.
Someone to hack him out and love him is exactly what he needs.

Sadly probably too heavy now but a lovely offer - thank you.

 

[ycbm]

Interesting! I had just discounted sharing in my mind as I tried this in my early twenties and found the sharer/owner relationship a bit difficult (she didn't really ride herself and seemed weirdly annoyed that I did!).

It would be a great compromise if I could get it to work. Perhaps it would be easier now I'm older and more confident.

I'm in Cheshire, 10 mins from Somerford, although I can't imagine any of those pros need a sharer

Thanks for the suggestion, real food for thought!

Most of the horses liveried at Somerford are owned by amateurs.

 

[Pickelina]

I'm 41 with two kids under three and it can be a real negotiation with my husband for horse time. He's not horsey (despite being from Cheshire, what's that about?!) but I haven't helped myself by buying the 3yo a pony, which the 2yo also wants to ride... they're too little to be led by me from the big horse but I feel in a year or two it will all come together! And then I'll buy another pony so they don't have to share (he's going to leave me, isn't he? ha). Covid doesn't help as his parents would normally visit at the weekend and I'd feel less guilty about ducking out.

My current balancing act is we all go out together once at the weekend (him with both girls leading very placid pony/pushing pushchair) with me riding, I take big one out the other weekend day on foot and then I try to squeeze a solo ride in the week before work, once. It's not full livery but we share responsibilities for 8 horses between 5/6 adults so we don't need to visit every day but the costs aren't prohibitive, either.

On the kid angle, I only have 21 months between mine and they are playing together really nicely now, big one will push little one on the swing etc. Our nephew is an only child and needed a bit more adult attention at that younger age without a sibling to play with, but that might be his nature as much as circumstances. I do love seeing the relationship between them and how much they adore each other (until 2yo wants a pony turn then things escalate!)

 

[shamrock2021]

This isn’t the right fourm to be asking that question. Most equestrian women are only interest with horses and don’t look for a relationship or to have kids because they want all there time spend with there horses . I not been mean but it’s the truth I would say 80 percent of equestrian women .

 

[conniegirl]

This isn’t the right fourm to be asking that question. Most equestrian women are only interest with horses and don’t look for a relationship or to have kids because they want all there time spend with there horses . I not been mean but it’s the truth I would say 80 percent of equestrian women .

given the number of mums on the forum, the huge amount of members that are married or in long term relationships and the number of mums to be, you couldn't be more wrong!

 

[windand rain]

Lexi I think you are right the careless dump him/her if he gets in the way of horse time horrifies me on an almost daily basis some horsey people will fight tooth and nail for a horse relationship but put no effort whatsoever into human ones bit of a sad observation really

 

[Penguin_Toes]

This isn’t the right fourm to be asking that question. Most equestrian women are only interest with horses and don’t look for a relationship or to have kids because they want all there time spend with there horses . I not been mean but it’s the truth I would say 80 percent of equestrian women .

I appreciate the opinion of such women, I'm looking for a bit of balance from those whose passions extend beyond children!

 

[Nasicus]

This isn’t the right fourm to be asking that question. Most equestrian women are only interest with horses and don’t look for a relationship or to have kids because they want all there time spend with there horses . I not been mean but it’s the truth I would say 80 percent of equestrian women .

Plenty of us on here that don't want relationships or kids regardless of our horses. The reasons behind choosing to be childfree often run much deeper than just our hobbies.

 

[pinkypug1]

Will u regret getting to the stage of being ‘too old’ to have another baby? Horses can come along at any time babies can’t.

I have 2 boys and am 38. Battling with the idea of one last baby before it’s too late as I really do think I will regret not trying. luckily I’ve always had my horses throughout (I’ve 2 mares, one in foal, and 2 ponies) But I have a fantastic husband which helps immensely. I always think of the future and as much as I love my horses I will need my kids to clean my old wrinkly arse ?

 

[MagicMelon]

Im expecting my 3rd child literally any day. I have kept my horses throughout and never taken a break since getting my first pony aged 7. I think you need to talk to your husband. Why is he not keen to have 2 kids on his own for a few hours? You will! I just tell my OH that its not fair I get no break from the kids so feel he should give me a few hours to go to an event or whatever one day a weekend, and I tell him he can have his own child-free time the other weekend day (his hobbies dont happen on set dates like horse events, he can do his golf etc. whenever). I feel thats fair? My OH was the one pushing for children 1 and 2, 3 is an accident... so I feel he's perfectly liable to help equally! Obviously I love my kids but I also feel I have a right to have a life of my own to a degree, I dont understand why so many mums feel forced to give up everything they enjoy while usually the dad carries on with their hobbies... seems pretty unfair.