Has anyone ever fallen out of love with this horse business?

[alsxx]

I'll try and keep this short ? but curious to know if anyone else has felt like they have just lost the love and whether they got over it or gave up?

Context, I had ponies as a child (very lucky) and well have had ever since. I'm now approaching 40 with 2 daughters of my own age 6 and 4, and a full time job which is mostly working from home. I have no family nearby so basically do all running around for everyone. I have 3 currently, a shetland x for the girls; a 19 year old mare that I've had since a foal (pity purchase) and who is basically retired after a lifetime of niggling lameness, and my 4 year old gelding. I have a self contained yard that I've been at for 14 years now, but no facilities and the hacking is OK but not amazing. Its about a 15 minute drive from home.

The reality is I'm knackered, but I don't do anywhere near as much with them as I used to pre kids. My 4 year old is now not right which is a whole heap of worry and has probably skewed my perspective somewhat (the thought of another with a lifetime of soundness issues). I used to get so much pleasure from going out and about having lessons, working towards things and competing, which was the plan for the 4 year old. I'm also really lonely, I don't really have anyone to talk to about my horse worries (I have horsey friends but dont see them day to day) and poor husbands eyes just glazes over.

Sorry that sounds really depressing reading that back! But part of me feels like giving up entirely, another part feels totally trapped.... a field sound mare and a 4 year old that's not right (and bloody sarcoids to boot!), both of whom are not realistically going anywhere even if I did 100% want to give up, and the remaining part is I know how much pleasure I do get from them when I'm enjoying it. I'd like to get back on a yard but having 3 makes that difficult and I don't want to create more work by having them all over the place.

Is this an almost mid life crisis!!?? ? please tell me someone else has been here and I'm not going insane!

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Sell the Shetland, find cheap grass livery for the field sound one and then a livery yard for the 4yo?
You could also cheap grass livery the mareand the 4yo and come back in 6 months' time, by which point he may be sound or he may not be still and then look into it. You don't need to spend thousands hurrying to find out what is wrong right now - that may also provide a bit of a break and some brain space.

I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling the way you do, dedicating the majority of your time and probably money and not getting the part of it you love is really hard - it's like spending thousands going on a tropical holiday and having torrential rain and wind every day.

 

[Fieldlife]

In terms of being lonely, I have a blog for my horse and about 80 followers many of whom are non local friends / friends I share philosophy with but rarely actually see in person. It is a closed facebook group. I post photos / videos / updates / lesson reports / competition reports / lameness and health care musing etc.

It has evolved into a friendly, supportive, constructive support group.

 

[Abacus]

I could have written much of this about myself. Similar age, managing kids and all of their other stuff as well as their horse, two of mine (one old, one young) and I do wonder if it brings me enough joy. I don’t have an answer yet - I regularly think about giving it all up, except the old one that I owe the longest best retirement ever. And especially these late 2 days where it’s feeling colder. Like you I think I’d enjoy it more with friends to share it with, I do share my yard with a friend but they are polo people so are doing very different things with their horses. My sympathy/ empathy… I do wonder if we’re flogging a dead horse (!) trying to keep it all up at this time of life.

 

[Cortez]

Of course you're not alone. Having horses is not compulsory and if you're fed up you can always sell them, or find homes if you're that way inclined, and get on with your life. If you have the time and inclination later on you can get other horses. Simple.

 

[alsxx]

Sell the Shetland, find cheap grass livery for the field sound one and then a livery yard for the 4yo?
You could also cheap grass livery the mareand the 4yo and come back in 6 months' time, by which point he may be sound or he may not be still and then look into it. You don't need to spend thousands hurrying to find out what is wrong right now - that may also provide a bit of a break and some brain space.

See this is where I end up in ever decreasing circles in my brain... they may as well just stay where they are, there is no grass livery nearby so unless I want to be driving all over the place as I'd still need to do checks, it makes sense to leave them where they are as they can stay out. I can put 4 year old on livery, but then may as well as keep the shetland as mare then by herself. And then I'm still driving all over the place ?

if you're fed up you can always sell them, or find homes if you're that way inclined, and get on with your life. If you have the time and inclination later on you can get other horses. Simple.

I wish it were that simple though. Selling a field sound mare with known issues, and a not right 4 year old. I mean sure I could pass them along but to what future? There is doing right by me and then doing right by them, which doesn't make it simple. I absolutely take your point though and if I was heartless then yes I'd get rid or have pts, but despite my post my life has been horses and I do still love them, hence why I'm in this place I guess ?‍

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

See this is where I end up in ever decreasing circles in my brain... they may as well just stay where they are, there is no grass livery nearby so unless I want to be driving all over the place as I'd still need to do checks, it makes sense to leave them where they are as they can stay out. I can put 4 year old on livery, but then may as well as keep the shetland as mare then by herself. And then I'm still driving all over the place ?

Full grass livery or a retirement livery? Round here you can get it for £200-300pcm which is a lot but you are saving in feed, bedding, fuel, time, rugs, equipment etc etc - that being said I don't know your current spend per month so it might not work out

 

[maya2008]

It’s amazing when the children get older. Mine are now nearly 8 and 10. They catch their own ponies in, brush them themselves (one tacks up solo), help with poo picking and turnout duties. We hack out together and it’s one of the ways we spend some quality time together as a family.

I have to admit that I have now given up on having a competitive horse for me though - my little mother’s help New Forest is a perfect friend for me, with her endless tolerance for being abandoned in hedges to eat while I pick up dropped items, do up girths, change stirrup lengths… you name it. She helped to bring up our bogof foal, runs the herd and can always be relied upon. She also has quite a talent for herding naughty teenage Welsh ponies back in the right direction!

It’s so hard when the kids are young though, and you are doing all the work for little reward. I just wanted to say that it does get better!

 

[alsxx]

Full grass livery or a retirement livery? Round here you can get it for £200-300pcm which is a lot but you are saving in feed, bedding, fuel, time, rugs, equipment etc etc - that being said I don't know your current spend per month so it might not work out

To be fair everything I've seen advertised round here has been on a DIY basis. But then in theory it wouldn't need to be round here if it was a retirement livery.

 

[Palindrome]

You could sell the shetland and the 4 years old and have the 19 years old on retirement livery.

 

[alsxx]

It’s amazing when the children get older. Mine are now nearly 8 and 10. They catch their own ponies in, brush them themselves (one tacks up solo), help with poo picking and turnout duties. We hack out together and it’s one of the ways we spend some quality time together as a family.

I have to admit that I have now given up on having a competitive horse for me though - my little mother’s help New Forest is a perfect friend for me, with her endless tolerance for being abandoned in hedges to eat while I pick up dropped items, do up girths, change stirrup lengths… you name it. She helped to bring up our bogof foal, runs the herd and can always be relied upon. She also has quite a talent for herding naughty teenage Welsh ponies back in the right direction!

It’s so hard when the kids are young though, and you are doing all the work for little reward. I just wanted to say that it does get better!

Thank you, your post definitely helps. I see we are getting towards that stage in some ways, they are getting more independent with their pony and its a pleasure to see. So thinking about giving up breaks my heart for me, but also thinking about them. Funnily enough my retired mare (a 14hh NF cross) sounds much like yours if she were in work, and I love her to bits.

 

[YorkshireLady]

you havent said if the kids do much with the shetland or not? i guess when a little older you may get involved with PC/RC?

If 4 year old was/is sound i would suggest getting a sharer to help you out and take the pressure off. def consider if you have other options for the retired horse

 

[alsxx]

You could sell the shetland and the 4 years old and have the 19 years old on retirement livery.

While everyone that's met him says he's cracking, I'm not sure anyone would buy him.... sprouted sarcoids this year and not right behind, he wouldn't pass a vet right now.

 

[alsxx]

you havent said if the kids do much with the shetland or not? i guess when a little older you may get involved with PC/RC?

They don't do much at all, eldest daughter does PC rallies with her but aside from that it is a case of never having enough time. The lack of facilities makes it hard, it's either they ride or I ride, as we have to hack. They do venture off the lead but in a grass paddock with a shetland... it gets a bit stressful. That said, they often ask to ride and I have to say no as its 6pm and I'm still cooking dinner, husband not home yet.... general life stuff.

 

[maya2008]

In a very unhelpful post for workload, I would suggest that to enjoy it again, perhaps you need another NF mare and another small pony (so the 6 year old can ride off lead and you can lead 4yo from your pony). That way lies pony fun and adventures for all…

(and the need to be able to transport 3 ponies at once, still working on that one!!).

 

[malwhit]

Could you loan your youngster out at your yard so that you know where he is and you will have some help and company.
Or is there room to have a DIY livery on the yard?

 

[Fieldlife]

Of course you're not alone. Having horses is not compulsory and if you're fed up you can always sell them, or find homes if you're that way inclined, and get on with your life. If you have the time and inclination later on you can get other horses. Simple.

It rarely is that simple though. Retired older horses cant be sold. And a four year old that is NQR and with sarcoids might not sell to a good home either. Animals are often complex and not as easy to just sell.

 

[alsxx]

Ah no more ponies!! ? although, husband did suggest getting then another pony ? I cannot explain the chaos that ensues when I take them both out, one riding, one on a bike, and the arguments and stress. Hence his suggestion, but right now I really can't. The 4 year old is half NF, maybe in a couple of years he'll be a good nanny, he is very genuine and patient if not still quite spooky.

With him not being quite right behind I wouldn't loan him out currently. Sadly no space for any more at current yard.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

Yes

About 3-4 years ago at least I heavily lost interest. I think it was adding up the costs to discuss applying for a mortgage (I'd always used the ignorance is bliss approach) and realised just how much of my not massive salary went on the horse. I also lost all interest in riding so didn't even enjoy that part of it. I didn't mind mucking out but hated all the other chores such as poo picking especially as it wasn't just him in the field.

He was in his early 20s, nervous and had Cushing's so I didn't deem it fair to pass him on and not know where he would end up. However at that point couldn't justify PTS. So continued for another couple of years. Following the cost of living announcement I did make a decision that received very heavy criticism (people on here who I was pming were brilliant) as I knew I wouldn't be able to afford the rising costs for our house, and the horse which I was starting to struggle with anyway.

I don't regret giving up in the slightest. I rode for the first time in months on holiday last month. Lovely setting and the ride itself was lovely. It has not brought any spark back whatsoever.
Now I'm not heamoraging money on horses, I can contribute more financially to our house and bills, which is very much needed. I now go to the gym at the weekends (still fat!) But I don't dread having to go up the yard. We can do impulse cheap activities. I've sold almost all my stuff. I also want to start putting money aside in the event we decide to start a family as I'm at the age that becomes a huge consideration.

I always said I'd always have horses and no children but I'm no longer that horse mad little girl and wasn't for quite some time. People's interests change, there is absolutely no shame in giving it all up and wanting to do something different, especially given the increasing costs of everything. It's an expensive hobby at the best of times never mind if you no longer enjoy it. Also if you wanted to dabble in horses still, giving up having your own would free you to booking things you want to do with them e.g. a lesson or hack or perhaps a loan?

 

[PurBee]

Consider what alternative life youd prefer than the circumstances you currently live. Is it just more time-off for yourself you crave? Having kids and ponies, husband and work, i can imagine is a full plate. I’ve often thought sell everything, the whole farm, and live in a 1 bed hut in some peaceful place, then i realise the ‘things’ in my life i do love, im just not managing time well.
If there’s any way you can re-schedule your life stuff, to enable you to just have a true ‘day off’ or afternoon, regularly - it’s worth doing. Then you wont be rejectful of the things in life that take up all your energy, and will re-gain those moments of loving it all again.
Does your husband help with the children/house chores so you can have half a day or a day off? Its worth telling him you’re circling the drain with energy, and need quality ‘time-off’ from everything to rejeuvenate yourself.
I’ve been at the place of questioning everything you are, and that is a signal to change HOW things are done rather than change the things. Yet sometimes a big changed is called for and you’ll come to know its needed.

The kids riding schedule - is it 3x per week? Change it to weekend only 1 x per week, just to carve out extra rest time for you.

There’s many women who spin the plates of the entire household and become drained by it. Horses on top of that scenario are a big addition, so if in a partnership with a spouse, its imperative the ‘chores of life’ are shared equally.

You sound like if it wasnt for your kids loving pony rides you’d give it all up easily and have the older retired one on grass livery. But your kids love the ponies so, as any good parent, you want to provide for their interests, so see how you can wiggle the pony ride schedule/general horse chore schedule to carve out more free time for YOU.

If we never get any true rest/time-off, even the most loved demanding hobbies can become the proverbial albatross around our neck.
You’re certainly not alone with this. Its not insurmountable. Juggling what YOU want and others want/need (kids/husband) is a challenge.
As mothers get the ‘job’ of caring for everyones needs, its often they put themselves last. Balance the stuff of life by simply taking time-off for you and you alone. Pamper yourself, whatever you know you need to just relax for a few hours. Its an incredible tonic, easy….but the time to regularly enjoy your own space has to be carved-out and that isnt so easy, but necessary, to avoid burn-out, and to feel the love and enjoyment again for the things you know you really do love.

 

[Abacus]

It’s amazing when the children get older. Mine are now nearly 8 and 10. They catch their own ponies in, brush them themselves (one tacks up solo), help with poo picking and turnout duties. We hack out together and it’s one of the ways we spend some quality time together as a family.

I have to admit that I have now given up on having a competitive horse for me though - my little mother’s help New Forest is a perfect friend for me, with her endless tolerance for being abandoned in hedges to eat while I pick up dropped items, do up girths, change stirrup lengths… you name it. She helped to bring up our bogof foal, runs the herd and can always be relied upon. She also has quite a talent for herding naughty teenage Welsh ponies back in the right direction!

It’s so hard when the kids are young though, and you are doing all the work for little reward. I just wanted to say that it does get better!

I do agree that it's easier as the children get bigger. My older one (12) is now pretty self sufficient with his horse. And they are big enough to leave at home when I go to sort the yard out or even ride (generally I make them go to the playing field, v close to the yard, to kick a football around while I am riding).

That said, it's still a massive effort and expense, and there are parts of life I am turning a blind eye to - like my lack of pension. If I could easily just be rid of the horses, or have just one good one as a mother/son share, then I would... but as others have said it isn't simple unless you are prepared to PTS to move on horses that are unsound or older. Hopefully your young one will improve with age and then at least you can make a rational decision about him.

 

[Birker2020]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it all, I am finding it incredibly difficult with my situation having not been able to ride for 6 months prior to the death of my last horse and having only sat on my current horse 15 times in nearly a year due to a number of problems that he is beset with after buying him last October and paying a small fortune as was dictated by the market at the time.

It's heart breaking seeing him when he was so uncomfortable and its hard for me to make a decision about his future when I am so confused about what is the right way to do things and what chance if any do we realistically have. And equally heart breaking is the amount of money that I have spent out on him with nothing to show for it, he is no further forwards in terms of riding although he is probably more comfortable than he was. And I'm scared that I might be left with debt.

I see so many people on the forum have the same issues so I know I am not alone and I am lucky that I have such a lovely horse who I love with all my heart and can honestly say if I could turn the clock back I would still have bought him.

I get lonely too. I'm incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and support from friends at the yard and also from my OH who tries to do his best for me so again very lucky, yet I feel so miserable in myself.

Sometimes I think I want to give it all up because it would be less stressful but I know that I love horses and I want to ride and compete again so I will never give up on that dream. But it would be nice to take a break for a few months I must admit.

 

[Abacus]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it all, I am finding it incredibly difficult with my situation having not been able to ride for 6 months prior to the death of my last horse and having only sat on my current horse 15 times in nearly a year due to a number of problems that he is beset with after buying him last October and paying a small fortune as was dictated by the market at the time.

It's heart breaking seeing him when he was so uncomfortable and its hard for me to make a decision about his future when I am so confused about what is the right way to do things and what chance if any do we realistically have. And equally heart breaking is the amount of money that I have spent out on him with nothing to show for it, he is no further forwards in terms of riding although he is probably more comfortable than he was. And I'm scared that I might be left with debt.

I see so many people on the forum have the same issues so I know I am not alone and I am lucky that I have such a lovely horse who I love with all my heart and can honestly say if I could turn the clock back I would still have bought him.

I get lonely too. I'm incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and support from friends at the yard and also from my OH who tries to do his best for me so again very lucky, yet I feel so miserable in myself.

Sometimes I think I want to give it all up because it would be less stressful but I know that I love horses and I want to ride and compete again so I will never give up on that dream. But it would be nice to take a break for a few months I must admit.

I do feel for you on this. It can be hard enough even with a sound horse. I don't know the particular physical problems yours has but could you turn him away for winter and start afresh in spring, and be without the pressure of winter riding and doing everything? Maybe in a herd turnout kind of place.

 

[alsxx]

Consider what alternative life youd prefer than the circumstances you currently live. Is it just more time-off for yourself you crave? Having kids and ponies, husband and work, i can imagine is a full plate. I’ve often thought sell everything, the whole farm, and live in a 1 bed hut in some peaceful place, then i realise the ‘things’ in my life i do love, im just not managing time well.
If there’s any way you can re-schedule your life stuff, to enable you to just have a true ‘day off’ or afternoon, regularly - it’s worth doing. Then you wont be rejectful of the things in life that take up all your energy, and will re-gain those moments of loving it all again.
Does your husband help with the children/house chores so you can have half a day or a day off? Its worth telling him you’re circling the drain with energy, and need quality ‘time-off’ from everything to rejeuvenate yourself.
I’ve been at the place of questioning everything you are, and that is a signal to change HOW things are done rather than change the things. Yet sometimes a big changed is called for and you’ll come to know its needed.

The kids riding schedule - is it 3x per week? Change it to weekend only 1 x per week, just to carve out extra rest time for you.

There’s many women who spin the plates of the entire household and become drained by it. Horses on top of that scenario are a big addition, so if in a partnership with a spouse, its imperative the ‘chores of life’ are shared equally.

You sound like if it wasnt for your kids loving pony rides you’d give it all up easily and have the older retired one on grass livery. But your kids love the ponies so, as any good parent, you want to provide for their interests, so see how you can wiggle the pony ride schedule/general horse chore schedule to carve out more free time for YOU.

If we never get any true rest/time-off, even the most loved demanding hobbies can become the proverbial albatross around our neck.
You’re certainly not alone with this. Its not insurmountable. Juggling what YOU want and others want/need (kids/husband) is a challenge.
As mothers get the ‘job’ of caring for everyones needs, its often they put themselves last. Balance the stuff of life by simply taking time-off for you and you alone. Pamper yourself, whatever you know you need to just relax for a few hours. Its an incredible tonic, easy….but the time to regularly enjoy your own space has to be carved-out and that isnt so easy, but necessary, to avoid burn-out, and to feel the love and enjoyment again for the things you know you really do love.

Wow this is such good advice, thank you!

Yes, I definitely can't see the wood for the trees right now ?

 

[alsxx]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it all, I am finding it incredibly difficult with my situation having not been able to ride for 6 months prior to the death of my last horse and having only sat on my current horse 15 times in nearly a year due to a number of problems that he is beset with after buying him last October and paying a small fortune as was dictated by the market at the time.

It's heart breaking seeing him when he was so uncomfortable and its hard for me to make a decision about his future when I am so confused about what is the right way to do things and what chance if any do we realistically have. And equally heart breaking is the amount of money that I have spent out on him with nothing to show for it, he is no further forwards in terms of riding although he is probably more comfortable than he was. And I'm scared that I might be left with debt.

I see so many people on the forum have the same issues so I know I am not alone and I am lucky that I have such a lovely horse who I love with all my heart and can honestly say if I could turn the clock back I would still have bought him.

I get lonely too. I'm incredibly lucky to be surrounded by love and support from friends at the yard and also from my OH who tries to do his best for me so again very lucky, yet I feel so miserable in myself.

Sometimes I think I want to give it all up because it would be less stressful but I know that I love horses and I want to ride and compete again so I will never give up on that dream. But it would be nice to take a break for a few months I must admit.

So sorry to hear this. I can relate to the whole not knowing what to do for the best so you have my empathy there, it's not easy and I think then creates more turmoil. I guess there are a fair few of us in some kind of horse related turmoil.

 

[Birker2020]

I do feel for you on this. It can be hard enough even with a sound horse. I don't know the particular physical problems yours has but could you turn him away for winter and start afresh in spring, and be without the pressure of winter riding and doing everything? Maybe in a herd turnout kind of place.

Hi. Well he's having his hocks and SI medicated again on Thursday and the vet will speak to me about whether or not its beneficial for him to the have the suspensory operation, I'm still not 100% clear on what he meant by 'his back will always be sore'.

Irrespective of whether he has the op or not I think after a lot of soul searching and to-ing and fro-ing I am going to try and build his core up again, so do all I did before in terms of groundwork exercises, pole work, stretches etc and save as much as I can between now and the spring and then send him somewhere so he can be ridden for a few weeks, then I will attempt get on board. Hopefully I can get really fit by then, have a few lessons on some riding school horses.

I need someone to do 2 or 3 handover sessions/lessons with me. If he doesn't keep sound or he has me off again in the Spring, which I suspect might happen then I can retire him. Part of me wants to just give up now, but the bigger part of me says I've come this far, why stop now. The latter seems to be the consensus of those I ask anyway.

You saying you can't see the woods from the trees in reply to Purbee's post is a common dilemma. You can get so stressed and fixated about a particular situation that clear thinking goes out of the window and indecisiveness can drive you mad.

 

[Green Bean]

I think most of us feel a bit desperate at some point. I gave up horses when I got married as I didn't have the money or the time to spend on/with a horse. 6 years ago I fell into it again and assumed I would just pick up where I left. Couldn't have been more wrong. Things had changed, my muscle memory was extinct along with my confidence and I went from a 14.3hh bombproof connie x in my twenties to a 16.2hh KWPN competition horse - what was I thinking?? I now have an ISH opinionated madam who I love dearly but am still faced with the ups and downs of horse health and 'where I am I going with this' questions.
OH, I do believe you are caught in the trap an awful lot of horse owners are subject to looking for a purpose in a desperate situation. It is so terribly difficult to be a mother of children even up to late teens whilst keeping one horse going, let alone three. You also have no guarantee that your children will be 'into' horses like you.
I believe you have a few difficult decisions to make in the interest of your family and your horses but that is just me speaking from personal experience

 

[mariew]

You can't do everything sadly unless you are lucky to be able to work part time, then you could take the time they are in school/nursery with the horse. I'm at a stage of considering owning again, but only because I will be able to do part time, have an oh who can be part of after school club chauffeuring and I only have one child. Personally for me something had to give with a horse, child/dren, full time job and an oh. And worse if you add in commute. Horse owning is much easier when you don't have young kids!

I guess it will get easier so maybe just turn the whole lot out for winter and don't stress about doing any work with any of the horses apart from the basic and see what spring brings.

 

[Borderreiver]

You are in a very busy stage of life. I remember how hard it was. If you think you will feel great relief from taking time out from horses right now then that will be the best decision. It doesn’t have to be for ever though. Children grow up and when you feel bereft at them leaving home then a horse can be a good choice at that point. Personally I’m now retired and really enjoying driving my Fell pony. Horse care keeps you active as you age.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Have never fallen out of love with it but got really disheartened when I had to have one put to sleep and then my mare lost her foal so after that I had a break, its a costly business when its just a hobby. Now I cant imagine ever wanting a break again. I cant wait to get there every day to see my boy, he has changed my life for sure ?