Has anyone ever fallen out of love with this horse business?

[Ample Prosecco]

I gave up when my kids were young. In practical terms, what to do with them all can be challenging but the first step is to decide if you want to problem solve a way to keep them or problem solve a way to move on from horses.

For me, I felt in the end that the horses were more of a negative influence in my life. My children had lost interest in their pony and I felt guilty dragging them to the farm everyday. I did not have the time or the money to do what I wanted with my own horse either - I had a young ISH I had backed and hoped to event but had no transport, no facilities, no time. So the cost, time, guilt and stress outweighed the pleasure. I gave it all up and never regretted that decision. When the kids were older I went back to it and that has been brilliant too.

 

[dorsetladette]

Going into winter always makes me question my life choices. I have my own place and the dark evenings become a very lonely place to be.

I put my old stallion out on loan for 3 yrs when my daughter was small. I didn't have the time, money or transport to do what I wanted to do with him and he was sitting in a field doing nothing which I beat myself up about everyday. I don't regret the decision to have a break.

To make life easier I've now got a livery. She poo picks most days and only works part time so is around in daylight hrs in winter to check the ponies over etc. Is this an option for you?

Do you have room to chuck them out for the winter to rough it and give yourself a bit of a break?

Are the kids really interested? do you need a pony for them?

Would it be easier on a livery yard where you can get assistance to take the pressure off?

Once sorted could you part loan the 4yr old? find someone who could check your other 2 as well to give you a day/afternoon off here and there?

It really depends on what you want - I think most mums on here have been in your position at one stage or another. Don't feel alone OP

 

[Tarragon]

I am a mother of 3 now grown up girls and none of them have the horse-mad gene apparently. I used to use my horse time as my escape from family life, rather than trying to involve the family with my ponies. I kept the ponies very simply, did everything very early in the morning and only visited once a day; it was my me-time and I loved every minute. I would have loved it if the children had shown any interest, but they never did. Perhaps I was unconsciously throwing off very subtle anti-horse vibes!
As they got older, I started to extend my pony time.
I worked full time through all of this, so it is a huge balancing act.

 

[HeresHoping]

I gave up. Priorities changed. I was relieved at not pouring money into a black hole. I loved her with all my heart but she just wasn't right and that bout of lami on top of a dreadful abscess made the decision for me. Do I regret giving up? Slightly - she was sanity for my daughter who was going through a very hard time with her mental health in lock down. I didn't have the resources for another, though.

Priorities have changed again for me. I have thought long and hard about getting another and the answer is, at 51 and with neither child interested particularly (son at 6'3 and 90kgs is too big, really, to share something smaller that the daughter would benefit from), the answer is I'm staying without unless I have my own land and the time. I have a full time job and a marginally less expensive hobby these days.

 

[Widgeon]

You are in a very busy stage of life. I remember how hard it was. If you think you will feel great relief from taking time out from horses right now then that will be the best decision. It doesn’t have to be for ever though.

That's the way I'd see it. No decision has to be permanent, perhaps you could look at it as giving yourself a few years out?

 

[marmalade76]

I am a mother of 3 now grown up girls and none of them have the horse-mad gene apparently. I used to use my horse time as my escape from family life, rather than trying to involve the family with my ponies. I kept the ponies very simply, did everything very early in the morning and only visited once a day; it was my me-time and I loved every minute. I would have loved it if the children had shown any interest, but they never did. Perhaps I was unconsciously throwing off very subtle anti-horse vibes!
As they got older, I started to extend my pony time.
I worked full time through all of this, so it is a huge balancing act.

Funny, mine don't really ride now (my son not at all and my daughter has a wander round the block once in a blue moon) but they still enjoy going to the yard most days and will give me hand with turning out/bringing in, fetching & carrying, driving the dumper for poo picking, helping with the hens. They'll even walk with me when I hack sometimes. They're old enough to stay home alone but still choose to come with me most of the time. I have considered giving up horses over the last couple of years but they'd really miss it if I gave my yard up (and I'd have nowhere to keep my hens and I'm not giving them up!)

OP, could you get a livery or sharer so you have some help & company? A livery has made a big difference to me, I'm keeping one instead of two now, it's saving me time & money whilst giving me company and someone to ride with.
I've also just gone back to a pony again, lower maintenance than a horse and ponies are so much easier to do in virtually every way. Both the above have turned out to be sensible decisions now the cost of living is shooting up.

 

[planete]

I gave up horses when my son was young and I was working full time. I got him a first pony when he was seven but only bought one we could share when he was eleven, a 14 hands New Forest. By the time he was fifteen he was too busy with other interests and I sold the pony and bought a horse just for myself. Financially and time wise I could only cope with one horse at a time really and it had to be liveried so I had no field or premises maintenance to do as well. It sounds as if you are trying to keep too many balls in the air. If the children are keen I would prioritise their pony for a few years, leaving your oldie and your four year old at grass. If they are equally interested in other pursuits, sell the pony and concentrate on getting a horse you can ride. Hopefully your youngster will come right. Alternatively see if you can get some help with routine chores a few times a week to give you a break or even regularly if it is possible. You need to either cut down or get help.

 

[Sprogladite01]

Have you considered turning them all away for winter and reassessing how you feel in the spring? Explain to the kids that the horses are having a holiday/rest. Workload will be vastly reduced, you can keep an eye on any issues they have without worrying theyre in the wrong hands and you should have much more time to yourself to sort out how you really feel about it all. Good luck x

 

[MagicMelon]

Can you involve the kids more. I have worked hard to keep my original horse life going since Ive had 3 kids, I love riding and competing - its my break from mum life which I think every mum needs in some form. Ive tried to incorporate the kids a bit. I had it great that I have 2 in school now, but then along came my 3rd (not expected) which put a spanner in the works. Yours are 6 and 4, but can they groom and be more involved? Im training my 10yr old to come with me to horse events so he can groom for me! My 4yo likes having a walk about on my horse and will groom and mess around in the tack room or trees while Im riding (when he's not at school). My nearly 2 yo also loves coming to feed them and "groom" etc. I had strapped him to me while I lunged during the summer too. It definately helped to incorporate them more with the horses rather than before when I tried to keep them really separate as it was "my" thing and I could do things so much quicker without them. Id maybe try that and see if it makes life a little easier? It is hard though if you cant even ride if 4yo isnt right... as then what enjoyment can you get? I think if you really feel you've had enough, try to get the 4yo right then sell or loan to someone you know? The 19yo you say cant really go anywhere although you could consider retirement livery whereby they look after them and you can just visit when you want? The shetland can be sold unless they kids really want it in which case could you put that to a much closer livery yard so theyd have facilities which would make life easier? I struggle at this time of year and lose encouragement a bit as I dont have facilities, my field that I ride in is now muddy and very slippy. Its also dark in the evenings by the time Ive got the kids to bed so cant ride then either. Winter does depress most of us I think, everything is harder with horses somehow at this time of year.

 

[alsxx]

So many replies, thank you!

So many of you have made me realise that I'm not unique in this situation. I think I've been very harshly comparing myself to those that have said to me in the past that you make the kids fit around the horses and you find the time.

Both girls were in floods of tears last night as I mentioned maybe we should sell X if you are not riding her much. Whoops. The youngest one is particularly keen, and more a natural than her older sister. I think I need to commit to doing the PC rallies and then aiming to let them ride once a week over winter; the pony really couldn't care less.

As for me, I do want to focus on my youngster, but I think he's causing me a lot of anxiety at the moment. We had a nightmare with a saddle, and that culminated in him bolting and broncing whilst trying to find one he did like (he definitely didn't like that particular one ?‍) and after hanging on for quite a while I decided to eject. Have no memory of hitting the deck, whiplash, hurt my leg which judging by my boot took a kick or a trample. The first saddle fitting/saddle I brought seems to have unearthed a discomfort somewhere as he's not been right since. I'm feeling particularly defeatist about this as I bought him as a weanling, deliberating choosing something that was quality and would only make 15hh, and apart from a stroppy 3 year old stage, he's everything I wanted in a horse. So that he's off is devastating to me and I honestly don't know which way to turn with him right now... he's seeing the vet chiro next week but after that who knows.

I'm definitely here having a major think about how I can reevaluate everything.. I can afford to go to livery with them all but not part for all 3 (and actually I wouldn't want to pay part for 2 of them!!)... so maybe finding a freelancer and moving the gelding to part ? or giving him time off in the field. Honestly I feel like I need a horsey therapist that I can sit down with and spill the contents of my brain and all the thoughts of, well if I do this, then this, but if I do this.... ugh ???

 

[Abacus]

Things will become clearer after you know more about what is wrong with the 4 year old. You can decide whether to bring him back into work if you can find the right saddle, or give him the winter off to work through whatever the issue is, in which case you could consider whether you want to keep him where he is or move him somewhere you can do less. It wouldn't harm just to have the two others through winter to keep the girls riding and work on the 4 year old in spring. At his age the time off will probably do good.

It's lovely that your girls are keen, and would be a shame for them not to have their pony.

You are definitely not alone, all those of us with children have felt the pinch, and dealt somehow with the work/horse/life balance.

Maybe (once you've had the vet and chiro) think about the many possible outcomes and narrow down to the few which you want the most... then it's just a matter of deciding and doing!
a) keeping the 4 year old in work and the pony gently through winter, at the same location, and getting a freelancer to help
b) 4 year old off at part or turnout livery, and play a bit with the girls and pony
c) etc etc

 

[Birker2020]

Things will become clearer after you know more about what is wrong with the 4 year old.

I agree with this 100%.

Even if its a rubbish diagnosis the relief that you feel when you know what you are dealing with always outweighs the procrastination and worry that comes with guesswork.

 

[Waxwing]

I am currently debating whether or not I want another horse if and when our current one finally sells; she is on currently sales livery and had sold subject to vetting, but on the day of the vetting was found to have a skin infection. Its entirely treatable but she can't be ridden until it clears up and the potential buyers have pulled out. Instead of seeing her settled in her new home this week I have a vet bill and another months sales livery to pay. She is being well cared for where she is but it isn't local enough to see her regularly and she has gone from being our horse to a monthly invoice. Although I don't want to keep her I miss spending time with her. I have also found the the horse I returned to the dealer earlier in the year due to concerns about possible back/neck/ sacroiliac problems up for sale with another dealer for over 11k. The dealer I bought him from had sold him to a dealer in Scotland and until a couple of weeks ago they had him up for sale for 6k (he went straight from my yard to Scotland and I have no idea if the original dealer shared any of the concerns I raised with the dealer in Scotland but according to their advert for him he arrived there four days before he left. According to the current advert he has come from a private home; omitting any reference to having spent the last six months in the ownership of three different dealers. If and when she does sell I am not sure I can deal with the uncertainty of buying a new one as I don't know who to trust. The previous dealers who have had the horse I bought earlier in the year have all had good feedback on the various Dodgy Dealer sites on Facebook etc

 

[windswoo]

I've given up by stealth - I just suddenly realised I haven't sat on my horse for the last two summers, have I missed riding - not particularly! Would I sell the two of them - no, but I'm lucky that we own our own land so cost wise they don't cost us a lot. So, in answer to your original question, I've fallen out of love with riding, but not the horses.
They are maybe a bit too young to be retired at 16 and 18, but as I used to love hacking and don't feel safe on the roads by me anymore, I'm quite happy not to ride again if honest.
I have the luxury that I don't have children (not a dig by the way), so time constraints aren't an issue for me. In your situation it sounds like you haven't got enough hours in the day, so something has to give - whatever that may be is up to you.
There has been some very good advice on here whichever way you go, but with your 4 year old this is such an important time of their development that you have to be able to put the time in. If you can't it may be right to sell warts and all, but obviously full disclosure so you get the best home for him you can. If the girls are showing an interest maybe encourage them now and put your plans on the backburner and enjoy it through them as many parents do when children gain an interest whether football, music or riding. As said then you can maybe get into it fully again when they are a bit older.
As a non child human I'm very interested in why people have their kids quite close together (I know it sometimes can't be helped)? - If I did have them, I'd make sure there was a decent gap so at least the eldest was either useful or self-sufficient - having two very close must be tough.

 

[maya2008]

Is your gelding insured? If so, I would throw the book at him vet wise to see what exactly is wrong. It could be he hurt himself when objecting to that saddle, or that there is something underlying, but until you find out, you won’t know. If not, could you get the most experienced vet at your practice to come and have a look, then give you an estimate of what is most likely to be wrong with nerve blocks? That wouldn’t cost the earth, and an experienced eye is worth a lot.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

I've given up by stealth - I just suddenly realised I haven't sat on my horse for the last two summers, have I missed riding - not particularly! Would I sell the two of them - no, but I'm lucky that we own our own land so cost wise they don't cost us a lot. So, in answer to your original question, I've fallen out of love with riding, but not the horses.
They are maybe a bit too young to be retired at 16 and 18, but as I used to love hacking and don't feel safe on the roads by me anymore, I'm quite happy not to ride again if honest.
I have the luxury that I don't have children (not a dig by the way), so time constraints aren't an issue for me. In your situation it sounds like you haven't got enough hours in the day, so something has to give - whatever that may be is up to you.
There has been some very good advice on here whichever way you go, but with your 4 year old this is such an important time of their development that you have to be able to put the time in. If you can't it may be right to sell warts and all, but obviously full disclosure so you get the best home for him you can. If the girls are showing an interest maybe encourage them now and put your plans on the backburner and enjoy it through them as many parents do when children gain an interest whether football, music or riding. As said then you can maybe get into it fully again when they are a bit older.
As a non child human I'm very interested in why people have their kids quite close together (I know it sometimes can't be helped)? - If I did have them, I'd make sure there was a decent gap so at least the eldest was either useful or self-sufficient - having two very close must be tough.

I had 3 within 21 months! The latter 2 being twins. All 3 in nappies at the same time. It was hard but it meant they were all friends and we could all do the same sort of things at the same time eg activity holidays.

 

[sakura]

I've given up by stealth - I just suddenly realised I haven't sat on my horse for the last two summers, have I missed riding - not particularly! Would I sell the two of them - no, but I'm lucky that we own our own land so cost wise they don't cost us a lot. So, in answer to your original question, I've fallen out of love with riding, but not the horses.
They are maybe a bit too young to be retired at 16 and 18, but as I used to love hacking and don't feel safe on the roads by me anymore, I'm quite happy not to ride again if honest.

I could have written this post! Except I only have one 16yro and she's on livery on a private yard.

I'm having a bit of a crisis of ethics when it comes to a lot of things in the horse world atm, so I don't miss riding for that reason either.

 

[windswoo]

I had 3 within 21 months! The latter 2 being twins. All 3 in nappies at the same time. It was hard but it meant they were all friends and we could all do the same sort of things at the same time eg activity holidays.

Respect!!!!

 

[Bobthecob15]

Sell the kids, keep the horses! Ha ha only joking!! I feel the same and we only have 1 child and 1 pony...It used to be less hassle pre kids!

 

[Old school]

From your posts, it appears that you have yourself under a lot of pressure. I have gone through something similar with 3 children and over stocked. It only eases when you start taking action/making a decision.

On reflection, I would focus on the family and fit in the horses as best you can. There is no gun to your head about the 4 year old. Time off is great for them. I has one with sarcoids at 4, they had all completely disappeared by 6 after 18 months on grass. A most lovely horse who was not impacted in any way by the time off.

Your girls sound delightful. That stage passes in the blink of an eye (while feeling like never ending when your in it). Do what you can with the girls that is fun. They will be heavily influenced on what they think of horses (a burden or joy) by their experience in these formative years.

 

[marmalade76]

I've given up by stealth - I just suddenly realised I haven't sat on my horse for the last two summers, have I missed riding - not particularly! Would I sell the two of them - no, but I'm lucky that we own our own land so cost wise they don't cost us a lot. So, in answer to your original question, I've fallen out of love with riding, but not the horses.
They are maybe a bit too young to be retired at 16 and 18, but as I used to love hacking and don't feel safe on the roads by me anymore, I'm quite happy not to ride again if honest.
I have the luxury that I don't have children (not a dig by the way), so time constraints aren't an issue for me. In your situation it sounds like you haven't got enough hours in the day, so something has to give - whatever that may be is up to you.
There has been some very good advice on here whichever way you go, but with your 4 year old this is such an important time of their development that you have to be able to put the time in. If you can't it may be right to sell warts and all, but obviously full disclosure so you get the best home for him you can. If the girls are showing an interest maybe encourage them now and put your plans on the backburner and enjoy it through them as many parents do when children gain an interest whether football, music or riding. As said then you can maybe get into it fully again when they are a bit older.
As a non child human I'm very interested in why people have their kids quite close together (I know it sometimes can't be helped)? - If I did have them, I'd make sure there was a decent gap so at least the eldest was either useful or self-sufficient - having two very close must be tough.

There's two years two months between mine, far enough apart not to have two babies at once yet close enough to be good company/playmates for each other. My husband is the eldest of four, he didn't get a sibling until he was five and then had to wait a couple of years before she was a playmate (they lived in the country and had no friends close by), he didn't want this for our children.

 

[alsxx]

Thanks for everyone's replies, it's been sooo nice to 1) hear I'm not alone and how I saw it, failing spectacularly at being a horsey mum, and 2) given me lots to think about.

After lots of discussion with husband, I actually went and looked at a yard today and am moving my boy there to be on 7 day part livery. There is an indoor and an outdoor and miles of farm hacking. Even though I still need to get to the bottom of his iffyness (I suspect its stifles as he's always been a bit sticky), I'll have better facilities for any rehab or strengthening work, or if he needs box rest, he'll be well looked after ( and has a huuuuge stable).

Husband drives past our current place, so we've decided rather than move them all and give that up, the girlie's can winter out and he'll do daily checks during the week. So this means that week days I can go and spend time with my boy in the evenings (or ad hoc morning when he takes kids to school) and then do more at weekends with the kids too. Hopefully it all works out, still stressed about him not looking right but I'm feeling a lot better ??

 

[Abacus]

Oh, wow. That is brilliant. And what a great OH you have. Sounds so much more positive. Well done!