Has anyone moved in with partner for a better life for their horses?

[Leah3horses]

Can't really believe I'm posting this but I'm feeling so confused and would appreciate any input. I'm 'mature' , early 50s,childfree by choice. My ponies and dogs are my life.. Basically, has anyone ever moved in with a partner to improve their and their horses lives, instead of for the reasons of the silly Disney type fairy tale of true love? I've always been extremely independent and it's hard to rely on someone but that's what he wants me to do. He's more than willing to take me and my gang of 5 on, and just wants us to settle down into a quiet, secure life together after he had a very toxic, damaging marriage. We suit each other , we laugh a lot , he says he loves me, but it's no big romance, he's not romantic at all. Are romance, big gestures, compliments, loving words more important in a loving relationship in our 50s than stability, peace and security? Think I've answered my own question there! But any polite input appreciated. He'd gain by having a supportive partner at home too, and a happier life, and help with his own issues. Has anyone moved in with partner for practical reasons ,and not because they couldn't live without them?

 

[ihatework]

No I haven’t, but it sounds like you deserve to have a happy life and I’d say give it a try, he sounds like a gem x

 

[RHM]

For me that sounds very romantic. It’s lovely that he wants to provide a stable life for you both. I would bite his hand off!

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

I think the right house is important. If it allows you both enough space to be separate as well as together, then yes, why not. It offers you both a more comfortable happy life. And I definitely prefer the small things that show someone cares, they demonstrate more love than the big romantic gestures. It shows you are always in their thoughts.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I would say go for it he sounds like a very decent man and obviously wants you in his life, I am basically kept by my partner I don't really do much work for our business anymore, my horses are kept at home and he pays for everything we have been together for 25 years and I am 50 next month, I consider myself very lucky and I have a wonderful life mainly down to him really.

 

[milliepops]

Oh crikey. those are some big questions. how long have you been together, when you say he's a new-ish partner? Do you know him well enough that you can let your guard down?

I am one of those wildly independent people and though I married for the love and romantic side I would openly say my OH makes my horsey life a vast amount easier, though it has taken practice to not push back against his offers of help. it's lovely to feel like we're supporting each other, on the practical side he gets his house and admin sorted and I get the big horse logistics taken care of. Not being solely responsible for everything is nice. and we both have something to bring for the other so it doesn't feel one sided.

the only thing that I'd question is that you seem to want to be swept off your feet and that hasn't happened yet. How much of that is down to the chap you're with, do you think... vs... are you possibly being SO independent because you have to be, that you haven't allowed it to happen?

 

[cold_feet]

How long have you been a couple? How well do you know each other? Will you still have your independence, the freedom to go off and do your own thing? Does he have interests outside of the home and you so that you won’t feel restricted? Will you be able to extricate yourself if it doesn’t work out. I know this sounds negative, but they are questions you should ask yourself. Good luck whatever you decide.

ETA MP said it better!

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I dont think it is ridiculous at all, far from it.

You must be totally torn between your last 50 years of total independence, to the offer of an easier life style but obviously you would have to give up some of your independence to be fair on your partner.

It sounds to me that you might be moving in with your best friend rather than a 'boyfriend'. How long have you been with him, do his financial commitments match your own, i.e you don't have a nice little home you own while he is living in a rented flat somewhere etc, Is he employed? This is just the cynic in me but believe me you do need to me megga careful if you have not known him very long.

But after 52 years of marriage, any hearts and flowers drifted away as we grew older, but then my OH is not the romantic type either! I now find I am living with my best friend, and to be honest that works wonderfully well for us. So I wouldn't entirely rule out a successful change of life for both of you. But I do think you have to be VERY honest with him and share all your thoughts you wrote above, for his sake and yours. Good luck I hope you are very happy in your lifestyle choice, whichever decision you make.

 

[Frumpoon]

Hearts and flowers don't last but there does have to be some spark for it to work i think

You still have to wake up next to him every day..unless you have separate rooms - lots to recommend this approach!!

It sounds like you have reservations so maybe think about where those are coming from...is it loss of freedom/sense of claustrophobia or is it simply you don't love him?

It's ok to not love someone, from what I can see most married couples don't love or even like each other that much, but you don't have to live with them

It doesn't have to be seized as your last/only chance at 'happiness'....if your life as it is makes you happy then you don't need to change things, at least not right now...maybe wait a bit?

 

[Leah3horses]

Thank you everyone, it's just because I've had to be far too independent my whole life ( product of children's home) that I've been questioning things. I never wanted to get married or have kids,travelled the world for years instead, and it's only now I feel ready to settle down We've known each other long enough to know what's best for us, we're both in 50s so have our eyes wide open. He's a brilliant partner, secure, we both have our own homes etc , I can rent mine out, but can keep my ponies at his and his is much bigger and geographically better for his work. I'm early retired due to recovering from cancer and yes I think I'm due a bit of luck and happiness now! There is a spark, we are good together, my only doubts were because I've never relied on anyone before in any way, but he is worth it.

 

[Leah3horses]

No I haven’t, but it sounds like you deserve to have a happy life and I’d say give it a try, he sounds like a gem x

Thank you for your kindness, he is, it's just me that's a bit scared of trusting anyone but I don't want to be an island forever x

 

[milliepops]

sounds like taking a leap of faith is entirely sensible then

 

[zandp]

I'm a product of boarding schools and find it hard to ask for help - as am very independent and self reliant as I've had to be - 1 of my boarding schools closed after abuse allegations (physical and emotional not sexual) and the treatment of pupils there when the allegations were made was lots better than when I was at the school - to survive there you had to be self reliant.

Anyway what that means is that what I've come to realise as important to me in a relationship is the feeling of being supported, of not being alone whilst on the other hand not being tied to my partner - open, honest communication is much more important than romantic gestures - for eg, my OH helped me lay mud control mats during the day on Monday and then feeling an odd atmosphere at the yard came up to help me poo pick Monday night. That is one of the nicest things he's ever done for me. The yard has been odd / unfriendly recently but I thought I was imagining it and the fact that he felt the change (he's visited approx x 1 a year since I've been there) and volunteered to help and come up with me so I wasn't alone meant more than almost anything else he's ever done over the years we've been together.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

I think you have answered your own question. You retain your own house so have a bolthole if it doesn't work out and presumably an income from it so you won't be 100% financially dependent on him. He sounds a really nice man and you care for each other, what more can anyone ask for.

 

[ycbm]

Thank you for your kindness, he is, it's just me that's a bit scared of trusting anyone but I don't want to be an island forever x

I think you have your answer right there. You've nothing to lose but your island.
.

 

[Leandy]

Go for it, you are clearly yearning for a stable family life now and this is your opportunity to settle down. I would give it a try, you could easily regret not doing so and companionship in later life is important. If it doesn't work out, well you have kept your house (and I'd recommend keeping your finances separate also - I've been married for nearly 3 decades and our finances are still separate) and can extricate yourself again but at least you will know that you tried. I'd say life is too short not to take this opportunity. And don't exclude that once you've made that decision, your nervousness about the change in your life will dissipate and you may find you do actually fall in love. Not just with the lifestyle but with the man who has made it possible. I haven't done this myself but I certainly know people who I would observe are happily with (perfectly nice) partners as a lifestyle choice rather than because they have fallen "head over heals". I've been married a long time, the excitement of the Disney stuff soon disappears and is just replaced by a feeling of being companions in life anyway.

 

[meleeka]

Thank you everyone, it's just because I've had to be far too independent my whole life ( product of children's home) that I've been questioning things. I never wanted to get married or have kids,travelled the world for years instead, and it's only now I feel ready to settle down We've known each other long enough to know what's best for us, we're both in 50s so have our eyes wide open. He's a brilliant partner, secure, we both have our own homes etc , I can rent mine out, but can keep my ponies at his and his is much bigger and geographically better for his work. I'm early retired due to recovering from cancer and yes I think I'm due a bit of luck and happiness now! There is a spark, we are good together, my only doubts were because I've never relied on anyone before in any way, but he is worth it.

Well if that’s your only doubt, why aren’t you packing your suitcase now?!

Relying on someone isn’t a weakness, but the person does have to be up
to the job. He sounds a keeper ?

 

[Tarragon]

I know of "couples" who live perfectly happy living largely separate lives in the same house, Generally, both have the own roles in the household and their own interests, but companionably come together in the evening.
I suppose I would question how much I value my independence after so many years of pleasing yourself. How easy would it be to perhaps compromise a little to accommodate someone else in your life?

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Thank you everyone, it's just because I've had to be far too independent my whole life ( product of children's home) that I've been questioning things. I never wanted to get married or have kids,travelled the world for years instead, and it's only now I feel ready to settle down We've known each other long enough to know what's best for us, we're both in 50s so have our eyes wide open. He's a brilliant partner, secure, we both have our own homes etc , I can rent mine out, but can keep my ponies at his and his is much bigger and geographically better for his work. I'm early retired due to recovering from cancer and yes I think I'm due a bit of luck and happiness now! There is a spark, we are good together, my only doubts were because I've never relied on anyone before in any way, but he is worth it.

That sounds like you have answered your own question! Enjoy the next phase of your life, you deserve it.

 

[Leah3horses]

I know of "couples" who live perfectly happy living largely separate lives in the same house, Generally, both have the own roles in the household and their own interests, but companionably come together in the evening.
I suppose I would question how much I value my independence after so many years of pleasing yourself. How easy would it be to perhaps compromise a little to accommodate someone else in your life?

Fair point. I'm actually spending every night at my partner's, go back daily to do my horses, 75 mile round trip. I go back to my house most days too, and my partner's house now feels more like home than there now. Thank you everyone for your comments, got the direct answers to the bigger picture I needed. Have done independence to death and my only hesitance is nothing to do with my lovely, caring partner, it's to do with my own, old insecurities. Will make the arrangements to move my ponies over to start this hopeful new chapter asap. Life is for living x

 

[Melody Grey]

I moved in with my partner a year ago and had to compromise with the horses to do it- I moved to a livery yard ten mins from home, but it’s not great and it does get me down. It was meant to be temporary but haven’t managed to find anything else. We’re moving soon, so there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I guess what I’m trying to say, is if it’s perfect for the horses go for it, but if you make compromises for the horses, it might sour the whole thing- it has been a test on us at times.

 

[Lurfy]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think you should give it a go, it would be a shame to stay on your island and always wonder what might have been. If you have your own place you can rent out, you are in a very good position. I wish you all the very best with your partner.

 

[skint1]

My partner moved in with me for largely practical reasons in 2004. It wasn't all plain sailing, we both had lived as lone adults for 10 years dating on and off (I had a child at home with me, he had no children but had come out of a rather sad marriage) but it works and has improved with time. We might get married soon, again largely for practical reasons. Hearts and flowers are lovely but they don't last, what lasts is relative compatibility. We are both quiet and peaceful people at home, we are kind of "alone together" but it works for us and that's what matters

 

[Midlifecrisis]

I can’t think of anything nicer than having a kind supportive relationship ...it’s what we all work towards isn’t it? If you both win out of the relationship then why not....I’m cheering you on.

 

[PurBee]

What a lovely new change for you!

We’re all conditioned to think a successful relationship is high romance, sparkles and unending heart-melting proclamations of eternal love that HAVE to be felt before we commit fully to a relationship...

...but that’s holywood bulLs**t!

Relationships of all kinds, are a journey. Love develops. Appreciation grows. Mutual understanding/support flourishes. Its a long process thats like a flower unfolding.
All of these things are simmering silently underneath what on the surface may look/seem like a mundane marriage.

I can relate to your fierce independent streak and would advise you retain some liquidity of your own as ‘yours’. Independent people feel secure via providing for themselves, so romantic ‘melding’ of assets can be scary. Yet, i would say, no matter how a person is, retaining a level of independence is what we owe to ourselves. It prevents over-dependence, and the possible issues that can brew from that - we retains boundaries as separate people, because ultimately, everyone is, despite choosing to enter a relationship.
You have other living beings....ponies and dogs to consider, so retaining financial independence status you currently have also secures their future aswell as your own.
Thats not to say your new life together doesnt include joint finances with life stuff. Im not saying you each pay half for the weekly grocery shopping...living like flat-mates!
Just major stuff, retaining your own equity you currently have.

You both sound like a great fit for each other at the stage in life you both are. You both have so much to offer each other. How exciting for you!
Best of luck! ??

 

[Patch55]

He sounds wonderful, and you sound like you deserve some happiness.

Just to echo the above words of caution to keep your assets separate whilst you adjust. Not meant negatively at all, I hope it does all work out well for you.
But if things dont work out and you need to get out/move animals etc, you will have options open to you. I would suggest keeping financials separate, and to pay bill's you send your half over to him, rather than combining money into a joint account.

Romantic gestures bring short lived bursts of happiness, an understanding and supportive partner will bring years of happiness. Wish you all the best x