Having issues with a woman on the yard! Need advice.

[horsemadJane]

I recently moved onto a really lovely yard. Everyone is really friendly and supportive except for one person (Lets call her livery A) who seems to have taken a complete dislike towards me.

Unfortunately my horse is neighbours with Livery A's horse. Her horse isnt very good with fencing and broke the fence line between hers and my field. My horse got in with Livery As overnight (they live out) and kicked her horse. Fence was fixed and touch wood we have not had any issues since! Has been about 3 months now. When this happened she completely changed towards me and even asked the owner of the yard for me to leave. She went from someone who was fairly friendly to coming up with the silliest issues to complain to the owner about. Her horse seemed fine after the incident but she refused to trot him up to check if he was lame or more seriously injured so have no idea if he was or not at that time. Anyways 2 weeks later Livery A went to ride him and he was unsound. Got the vet out who confirmed this and recommended x-rays. Of course my horse is blamed for this- and fine it could be from the incident 2 weeks before but in the time between the vet seeing Livery A's horse the first time and him x-raying her horse, I had multiple unrelated reports against me to the owner. Such as she's concerned I will take up too much storage space (i have the space I have and have never purposefully encroached in her space), I have too many people coming onto the yard ( i had a freelance groom do my horse one evening when I was away and the owner of the yard knew about it). My storage box was about half a foot in her space, my rug was touching her storage box. She also told the owner that she's concerned my horse is going to trash the field ( no idea why, it was summer and the field was fine) . Another problem was that my hay was slightly touching her feed bin (even though hers touches mine too). She's close with one of the other liveries (lets call her livery B) and I have heard that she constantly messages livery B to moan about me. After all these reports against me Livery A's vet came out again to x-ray her horse. Turns out he was lame because of arthritis, horse was medicated and he was sound again, so the lameness had nothing to do with my horse. Even so, Livery A still hates me and I have no idea why. The reports to the owner have stopped thankfully but she still moans about me to the others. Apart from my horse kicking hers I have never done anything to her, I rarely see her! I'm quiet and hate confrontation so have kept to myself, haven't once moaned about Livery A to the owner and just carry on doing what I always have, enjoying my horse. To say theres animosity when we are on the yard at the same time is putting it lightly.

Anyways this is the advice I need. Livery A's horses sharer recently gave him up as she wanted a horse that could do more than just happy hack. Her sharer approached me and asked to share my horse (as i had just advertised him). The sharer is a lovely person and would be ideal so without thinking I said yes of course. Livery A is furious. Livery B (whos also friends with the sharer) has said shes concerned about it creating a horrible environment on the yard and wasnt sure it was a good idea. Thinking about it i am wondering if she's right. I know in theory its silly and I should have who ever I want sharing my horse. However, with Mine and Livery A's recent history is it worth it? Should I just say no to this sharer and find someone else to avoid any further animosity and awkwardness? Neither of us are going anywhere. I hate worrying about going to see my horses and having to avoid the yard at certain times so I don't bump into Livery A and I KNOW if I let her old sharer ride my horse it will only get worse. What would you do?

 

[Goldenstar]

Can the owner of the yard move you further apart .
On the sharer I would have a frank conversation with the sharer and also with the yard owner then decide I do think your right it will cause a huge amount of trouble .

 

[horsemadJane]

Can the owner of the yard move you further apart .
On the sharer I would have a frank conversation with the sharer and also with the yard owner then decide I do think your right it will cause a huge amount of trouble .

Unfortunately not. Its a very small yard and there are only 4 of us. I've spoken to both already and neither mind but its mainly going to be me that gets the brunt of it.

 

[Glitter's fun]

Just do everything exactly as you would if she didn't exist. If you creep about round her she'll still manage to find something to not like. Smile, nod, laugh, be on your phone, dismiss!

 

[Xmasha]

Perhaps look at this from her point of view .
She was happy before you moved on , your horse kicked hers , you’ve encroached on her space and tried to steal her sharer .

So personally I’d ask her and her sharer for a quick chat to clear the air .
Apologise again for the incident ref the kick and ask her how her horse is doing . Then go and look where you both store stuff and agree boundaries.
Then explain the timeline of events with the sharer . She may not be aware that you advertised for one .
Sometimes it’s easier to just take a bit of humble pie to make peace

 

[AmyMay]

Pop a smile on your face and ignore. She’ll either get over herself, or she won’t. But none of that is your problem.

 

[Muddywellies]

I'm afraid there is one if these on every yard. She will soon trip herself up and the YO will get fed up with her. Carry on as you are, smile sweetly and don't take it personally. She will have done this on every yard she's been on.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Continue being extremely nice to her, kill her with kindness, x

 

[horsemadJane]

Perhaps look at this from her point of view .
She was happy before you moved on , your horse kicked hers , you’ve encroached on her space and tried to steal her sharer .

So personally I’d ask her and her sharer for a quick chat to clear the air .
Apologise again for the incident ref the kick and ask her how her horse is doing . Then go and look where you both store stuff and agree boundaries.
Then explain the timeline of events with the sharer . She may not be aware that you advertised for one .
Sometimes it’s easier to just take a bit of humble pie to make peace

Thats the problem...she wasn't happy. She had issues with the previous livery who's space I took and apparently that was even worse. Ironically Livery A's sharer used to share the previous liveries horse, so technically she was once in the same spot I am now with the same sharer. I apologised profusely and offered any help I could. I also spoke to her about space. I have really tried to be the 'bigger' person as much as I didn't want to but nothing has worked. I don't think there is anything I can do to change that but I just need to know is it worth worsening it for a sharer one day a week? Would you take this sharer on?

 

[Gallop_Away]

Personally I would have spoken to her before agreeing the share. Yes you are entitled to have whoever you like to share your horse but I would have informed her that her old sharer had approached you to enquire about sharing your horse before agreeing the share, just as a courtesy.

In any event, what is done is done. You can either have a frank conversation to clear the air, or you can simply ignore her and get on with your day.

 

[Annagain]

I'm naturally quite assertive so understand it's not so easy for everyone but there's no way I'd let someone potentially scupper my chances of getting a lovely sharer because they didn't like the situation. The reason for the sharer giving up the share of her horse is valid. Whatever the sharer does next is none of her business. You advertised for a sharer, this person answered your ad. She could have been anyone, it just so happens that she used to share Livery A's horse. I would let Livery A know out of respect but I wouldn't ask her permission or change what I was doing because of her. Maybe a chat amongst the three of you to clear the air might be an idea, but make it clear (nicely) that you're not going to back down on this. I'd also be extra friendly and make sure you don't encroach on her space so she has nothing to complain to YO about.

 

[horsemadJane]

Personally I would have spoken to her before agreeing the share. Yes you are entitled to have whoever you like to share your horse but I would have informed her that her old sharer had approached you to enquire about sharing your horse before agreeing the share.

In any event, what is done is done. You can either have a frank conversation to clear the air, or you can simply ignore her and get on with your day.

I wanted to do this, as I completely agree with you. However, the sharer asked me not to as she wanted to be the one to tell her. Its hard to know what the right thing to do is.

 

[ihatework]

Thats the problem...she wasn't happy. She had issues with the previous livery who's space I took and apparently that was even worse. Ironically Livery A's sharer used to share the previous liveries horse, so technically she was once in the same spot I am now with the same sharer. I apologised profusely and offered any help I could. I also spoke to her about space. I have really tried to be the 'bigger' person as much as I didn't want to but nothing has worked. I don't think there is anything I can do to change that but I just need to know is it worth worsening it for a sharer one day a week? Would you take this sharer on?

Then yes I would take the sharer on and I’d call livery A out on it.

 

[SDMabel]

I know you say you hate confrontation, but for the sake of a quick 10 min chat over a brew rather than potential years of egg shell creeping - i would have a frank conversation with her.

Doesn't need to be angry or confrontational, just a quick chat and get her side of things too and let her know how you are feeling ?

Maybe bring Yard manager/ owner into the conversation too if you want someone else there.

Or just ignore her, let her be miserable and carry on enjoying your horse

 

[AandK]

If this woman was the same with the last person to have your field, then she is likely just one of those who is never happy. With this in mind, I would be inclined to have a brief word to explain the sharer situation and then leave her to get on with being a miserable nit picker.

 

[meleeka]

A phrase I love comes to mind “You just as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb”. This woman has decided she doesn’t like you. She probably wouldn’t like anyone who is next to her. She’s not going to like you any more if you don’t have the sharer, so I don’t think you should change your plans just in case.

I’d just carry on being the bigger person. Try not to encroach on her space and be ready to defend yourself if she says anything. If she’s only saying it behind your back, she sounds a bit cowardly.

 

[TPO]

Put it like this, if you didn't take on the sharer would Livery A suddenly become a nicer person? Very unlikely, most probably she'd be worse because she "won" and thinks that she has influence over you.

I'd call her out to her face. I'm a wimp so I know how galling this is but I had similar issues with a livery and eventually got wound up enough that I called them out on it all. They weren't expecting it and didn't have any answers so wound their neck in. Yes there was an atmosphere, but there was one before and at least after they stopped with all their nonsense and just marched about with their nose in the air.

I'd be tempted to speak to YO and tell them you've heard what Livery A is saying about you and you want to speak to her face to face to try to sort it. Then I'd ask Livery A for a word and say you've heard there's an issue with your hay touching their feed bin and you were just wondering what that issue was and why it was ok that their hay was touching yours? Ditto for every stupid thing they've run to YO about.

People like LA don't usually do well when called out on their nonsense. She sounds like a right horror.

 

[meggymoo]

If you like the proposed sharer and are happy for her to ride your horse, great. Absolutely nothing to do with Livery A. Just make sure there's nothing of yours encroaching, nod an acknowledgement to her so you can't be accused of ignoring and stop apologising for the kick. You apologised when it happened, lameness was nothing to do with it - end of story.

 

[dottylottie]

honestly, she already doesn’t like you for whatever reason so i don’t think missing out on a good sharer is going to make her suddenly change her mind! there’ll either be an atmosphere with this livery, and you have a lovely sharer, or there’s an atmosphere with this livery and you potentially end up with a rubbish sharer or struggle to find one! i know what i’d be going with

 

[SilverLinings]

As it sounds as though livery A always finds something about you to complain about I wouldn't give up the sharer if you like her, as there is every possibility that livery A will complain about whoever you take on as a sharer (especially as she has already complained about you using a freelance groom). If the sharer was the ONLY thing she was unhappy about then I think it would be worth discussing with her, but I really think that if you give in to her on this she will just try to make your life miserable about something else, and you will have lost a potentially good sharer.

I have come across women like this on yards, and IME there are only two ways to deal with it (other than leaving the yard) and that is to either completely ignore their behaviour, be polite but otherwise don't engage (you need a thick skin and perseverance for this but I have found they eventually give up as it's boring trying to antagonise someone only to get no response), or you need to call them out. If you chose to call them out then you need to do it calmly, stick to facts, and make it clear what you want from them going forward. If they respond badly you then need to switch to the first tactic, and if they respond well then you can just treat them like any other livery.

I have no idea why some adults behave like this; it is ridiculous and deeply unpleasant. Good luck with however you chose to proceed, and I hope that you are soon able to enjoy your horse without A impacting on your yard time.

 

[Xmasha]

Thats the problem...she wasn't happy. She had issues with the previous livery who's space I took and apparently that was even worse. Ironically Livery A's sharer used to share the previous liveries horse, so technically she was once in the same spot I am now with the same sharer. I apologised profusely and offered any help I could. I also spoke to her about space. I have really tried to be the 'bigger' person as much as I didn't want to but nothing has worked. I don't think there is anything I can do to change that but I just need to know is it worth worsening it for a sharer one day a week? Would you take this sharer on?

If she’s a serial moaner then the YO / rest of yard must be aware of that ? If so , then it’s not your problem . Just smile and crack on .
As for the sharer , if she’s a good fit for you and your horse then yes I’d take her on . Just make sure LA is aware

 

[dorsetladette]

I'd take on the sharer and make sure everyone is aware.

On another note - could you ask livery B if they would like to swap with you? if A & B are friendly this could work better potentially?

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I would simply leave Livery A to stew, tbh. Carry on and do your own thing. What you do with your horse has nothing to do with her, so things like having a freelance groom/ sharer are none of her business so long as YO is ok with any change..
It should definitely be up to the sharer to tell LA about the change, as far as you are concerned, sharer could be intending to ride both horses.

 

[Arzada]

I wanted to do this, as I completely agree with you. However, the sharer asked me not to as she wanted to be the one to tell her. Its hard to know what the right thing to do is.

There isn't a 'right way' This whole horrible scenario is a classic you can't do right for doing wrong. Follow PAS advice, stay strong and crack on.

 

[Birker2020]

Gosh the horsey world is bitchy isn't it? You will always get discontent on yards with women. Its why I work in a male environment.
I think I'd just have a chat with her, maybe buy a cake and cut a slice as a piece offering and make a coffee. Or offer to take her to the local coffee shop for a chat.

You need to clear the air and try and reach some sort of resolution or like others have said, this could go on for ages.

I had issues with the lady in the stable next door as Lari kept reaching over to her stable from his and stealing stuff our of her manager, and pulling her rugs she'd hung up and lifting her poop scoop and entertaining himself by chucking it in the middle of the yard for fun. I kept asking her to leave her stuff out of his way but she didn't seem to comprehend the reasoning behind my request. Of course she wasn't very happy and it got to the point that we weren't speaking after she boarded up the bars between his stable and hers without even telling me she was going to do so.

When she told me it was my fault for letting him steal her things out of her manager I kind of lost it a little and said 'just how the hell do you expect me to stop him when I'm at work during the day"?

 

[motherof2beasts!]

Sounds like livery B is a bit of a stirrer , however nice she is I would say you don’t want to hear it anymore as it makes you feel uncomfortable. I would maybe try clearing the air , you could always drop livery B in it

 

[dreamcometrue]

Take cakes to the yard and see what she does .

 

[SantaVera]

Next time she moans about you,confont her and tell her to keep her effing nose out of your business, usually works with bullies in my experience.

 

[Trouper]

It's often the most inadequate people who feel the need to bully others and being petty over space is just childish. I would not involve the YO at all - the last thing they usually want is to be involved in silly squabbles between grown women and nor should they unless there is a safety issue involved.

If you think she would respond to a friendly verbal approach to clear the air, I would be tempted to open the conversation on the lines of "we seem to have got off on the wrong foot" basis. Acknowledge that her horse's lameness must have been worrying for her but glad that the vets have found a reason etc etc and then go on to remind her of the timescale of the sharer issue as @Asha said.

On no account allow this behaviour to go unchallenged - even in a friendly way - and if you think the sharer is the best fit for your horse go ahead with it. As for the petty niggles - just ignore them. As others have said, she will soon get fed up.

 

[dougpeg]

Blimey, it reminds me of being back at school. I'd just carry on as normal and go ahead with the share.