Help.... any divorced ladies on here?

so sorry, you deserve better, you were kind enough to forgive the first time, you are not a fool just a better person than the other one, try not to exhaust yourself with worry and don't be dragged into a war, just say what you want and stick to it.
 
pines of rome said:
Thanks for all your responses they were great i will take all your advice on board. he now only expects me to do christmas dinner as normal, what planet is he on.
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Come on ladies ..... this woman needs our help to find the perfect recipe for a dirty rotten liar to have served to him on a plate on Christmas day.... Has anyone got any ideas what she could stuff her turkey with??
 
I would put your inherited money in your daughters name and if it is mentioned say that it's her inheritance from you, why the hell should he get his hands on that!
 
Book a restaurant for yourself and your daughter, or go to other family members if possible, let him have christmas either on his own or with the 'girl friend'. Or make him cook the entire meal.
 
Suggestions from a guy (yes, divorced once from a horrid wealthy wife...she cheated).

First off...I'm so sorry for the dishonesty and cruelty you were shown.

Talk to a solicitor/divorce specialist...but only to get advice about your money and what not to do. Solicitors are not your friend, it's in their best interest to drag out divorces (it's how they make their money...acting like your best friend and really poisoning the well for decent communication)

Revenge...yes, sure is tempting. The old saying is, "The Best Revenge is Living Well". Don't hurt yourself and your case against him by doing something stupid...besides, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Friends...are really important...BUT, you will get a lot of bad advice and poison from friends who went through their own divorce and are itching to go after your ex-husband too! They can really get in the way of amicably tying up the lose ends and all the parts you'll deal with in a divorce. Let them support you, not act like it's they who are going through the divorce.

Don't make big changes....now's not the time to do things differently. Stay calm, don't date right away, take time to enjoy your horse and animals...camp out at home, enjoy things he always seemed to get in the way of.

Good luck...depend on your friends, animals and just be calm...think of where he'll be in 2 years...probably alone and wondering "what the hell was I thinking?" This is when you smile and enjoy your life then even more. You deserve better, and got it!
 
pines of rome said:
Thanks for all your responses they were great i will take all your advice on board. he now only expects me to do christmas dinner as normal, what planet is he on.
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sounds like my ex! while he still lived here he expected me to keep cooking and cleaning for him. and not to mention he expected other wifely duties!! some men are brain dead. tell him no and go to your family or friends for the day.
 
Trakehner said:
Revenge...yes, sure is tempting. The old saying is, "The Best Revenge is Living Well".
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this is so true! i stayed in the marital home with my 2 children, 4 bedrooms, if rather small. i now have my horse - a life time dream, a successful business and am in a very happy relationship, although not living together, my choice. my ex lives in a tiny 2 bed house, has spawned another baby with a money obsessed woman, after a vasectomy reversal!!! he can't provide for my children because she is saving up for the "royal wedding number 2", and now my children aged 7 and 11, dont want to see him anymore. i try to encourage them to go, but it wont last long. that is my revenge. i am happy, he is obviously not. loosing his kids will kill him, but he cant and wont do anything about it in fear of upsetting the fiancee, but it is nothing i have done at all. very satisfying!
 
luckyoldme said:
i do agree you will need a solicitor but most of them stir things up to string the divorce out and make more money. maybe get legal advice as to your immediate entitlement but hold off starting the divorce till things are a little less heated. i know the last thing you want to is be friends with your ex but the more the two of you argue the more money the solicitors get from you.
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Yes when you get these buggers involved this is what happens they love to make things complicated, If he wants out and will make a fair offer try and sort it out yourselves, Better to have good % of what your due, move on and avoid a nasty fight
Be firm but fair.......
 
Poor you - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband cheated on me about 11 years ago - I immediately divorced him. Happily I have been with someone else for 6 years now, whilst he is still single, can only sustain relationships for a max of a couple of years and is usually fairly miserable which pleases me hugely!!

Solicitors can make things very difficult indeed and they tend to profit from the misery, but a good tough solicitor (women are usually tougher!), helps you think straight at a difficult time.

And definitely no Christmas lunch for him!
 
Try not to worry too much.

Just make sure that when you complete your Form E (which details all you finances) that you put everyhting in using as much detail as possible. Make yourself look as poor as possible and show what you have contributed.

I didn't do this and my husband made up all sorts. The court believed him and he got the house.

Solicitor will be expensive and if you can read up and do as much as possible, yourself.

Good luck!
 
Trakehner said:
Suggestions from a guy (yes, divorced once from a horrid wealthy wife...she cheated).

First off...I'm so sorry for the dishonesty and cruelty you were shown.

Talk to a solicitor/divorce specialist...but only to get advice about your money and what not to do. Solicitors are not your friend, it's in their best interest to drag out divorces (it's how they make their money...acting like your best friend and really poisoning the well for decent communication)

Revenge...yes, sure is tempting. The old saying is, "The Best Revenge is Living Well". Don't hurt yourself and your case against him by doing something stupid...besides, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Friends...are really important...BUT, you will get a lot of bad advice and poison from friends who went through their own divorce and are itching to go after your ex-husband too! They can really get in the way of amicably tying up the lose ends and all the parts you'll deal with in a divorce. Let them support you, not act like it's they who are going through the divorce.

Don't make big changes....now's not the time to do things differently. Stay calm, don't date right away, take time to enjoy your horse and animals...camp out at home, enjoy things he always seemed to get in the way of.

Good luck...depend on your friends, animals and just be calm...think of where he'll be in 2 years...probably alone and wondering "what the hell was I thinking?" This is when you smile and enjoy your life then even more. You deserve better, and got it!
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Excellent advice. The best revenge is indeed living well. Keep away from negative or embittered friends, surround yourself with supportive upbeat people.
Turn your frustration and anger into something positive, meet your 50th birthday looking good so the cheating swine, (when the excitement of his affair begins to become less novel,) sees what he has thrown away- A good home,a good woman and a comfortable life.
Don't wear yourself down with endless arguments, keep communication practical and logical, get the practicalities sorted and let him see what a strong woman you are.
 
Trakehner said:
Suggestions from a guy (yes, divorced once from a horrid wealthy wife...she cheated).

First off...I'm so sorry for the dishonesty and cruelty you were shown.

Talk to a solicitor/divorce specialist...but only to get advice about your money and what not to do. Solicitors are not your friend, it's in their best interest to drag out divorces (it's how they make their money...acting like your best friend and really poisoning the well for decent communication)

Revenge...yes, sure is tempting. The old saying is, "The Best Revenge is Living Well". Don't hurt yourself and your case against him by doing something stupid...besides, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Friends...are really important...BUT, you will get a lot of bad advice and poison from friends who went through their own divorce and are itching to go after your ex-husband too! They can really get in the way of amicably tying up the lose ends and all the parts you'll deal with in a divorce. Let them support you, not act like it's they who are going through the divorce.

Don't make big changes....now's not the time to do things differently. Stay calm, don't date right away, take time to enjoy your horse and animals...camp out at home, enjoy things he always seemed to get in the way of.

Good luck...depend on your friends, animals and just be calm...think of where he'll be in 2 years...probably alone and wondering "what the hell was I thinking?" This is when you smile and enjoy your life then even more. You deserve better, and got it!
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Very good advise!!!!


I too would go to family for christmas dinner and let him do what he likes without you!

As for blaming the horse, what did he blame for his moods or cheating before you got horses?
Personally my ex used to blame all sorts, it just happened to be my horse was the one thing I wouldn't give up for him, why because when I gave up the other things there was always something else he blamed!!
 
Iv'e only read the first post as on a quick flying visit but didn't want to just read and run.

Weve been going through this for the last 10years.
Don't leave it and file for divorce straight away. My mum waited 4years before and now shes being screwed over.

Go to your local CAB, explain the situation, they will then book you a free consultation with one of there family solicitors. It will be free and they can advice you. Then you need to think all options and find a solicitor, really do not do it yourself. I know people who have read up and tried to do it themselfs and its not been sucessfull.

He can't sell the house until you have divorced and it will be sorted out in court what will happen unless you both agree to sell the house before.
Our solicitor told us he couldn't sell the house or even rent it out, if that happened we were to change the locks and call the police.
It also depends if its in joint name or just your name?

You will be given forms on your income and what you spend. Our solicitor adviced up not to skim a few bits and make out were less worse off as if it comes to light in court then it is alot worse.
We stated our horse as a hobby and it wasn't a well sell the horse its too expensive she agreed its a hobby and you need to leave yourself enough for treats etc otherwise they will question why you haven't.

Its hard and solicitors may be expensive, my dad chose not to have one and was the worst mistake he made. We got more then we even wanted and theres alot that you probably won't think your entitled to but are.

Also wanted to say I'm sory to hear that. My dad had an affair for 6years without us knowing, he then walked out one day saying it and has since screwed 4 other woman out of money and kept cheating on others.
Your doing the right thing in leaveing him.
If you need anymore details feel free to PM me and can get you any information you need.
 
Thanks again everyone, i don,t know if to see a solictor now or after christmas
feel so run down i am not even riding even my horse looks sad i suppose he is picking up on my mood. after carefully reading all your posts i would like to try and buy him out of the house, he will inherit at some stage a decent amount as well so maybe that will be considerd
 
Hang on in there, he has left the marital home not you, get a good solicitor, you may even be entitled to Legal aid !!!!. It's not nice when things like this happen and I wouldn't go blaming your-self. 1st step get a solicitor, things may look a bit crap at the moment but they will get better in time :) ((HUGS))
 
I would go now to the solicitor, not wait until after Christmas. Get the ball rolling and get your advice sooner rather than later x
 
I would agree about not putting off a soliciter. Both my friends put it off thinking it could all be resolved fairly, it just puts off the pain which you will go through later.
Finding out how you may end up finacially will help you plan for the future and feel less of a victim.
 
See a solicitor asap - do not put it off. By seeing one not only will you get the advice you need but also by setting the wheels in motion you put yourself in control of the situation rather than the pace being dictated by him. I know it sounds petty but that's what happened to my sister and it made her feel on the back foot the whole time and you need to feel as strong and as in control as possible right now.
 
He's left the family home....change all the locks, NOW! You don't want him (or girlfriend) wandering in the house when you're not there. If he's going to be coming over, he needs to schedule the visit with you. When he does come over, have a friend there. Not a snarky nasty bitter friend, but a joint friend (and not necessarily a female friend--a male mate can carry a message of not just other females supporting you). Be chatting, playing cards, anything...this is for your protection and his too. If he says anything remind him it's very easy to claim he did X, Y or Z and made threats...all easy to claim and hard to defend. Remind him this is for his protection too!

You're now separate people and not a family...remember this. Don't be cold when he comes by, be cool and matter-of-fact. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's APATHY. He left, oh well, wonder if show jumping is on tonight?
 
Apparently he can be in the house as much as he wants as both names are on the deeds i have to put up with it unless he becomes violent towards me so i will treat him with cool indifference and ring my solictor tomorrow
 
So sorry - went through this five years ago and it was a nightmare.

Firstly, get a LOCAL solicitor (you will be doing a lot of running backwards and forwards) - get some quotes and if you can get a recommendation from a good friend! There are some really dodgy solicitors out there who are only in it for the money!

Secondly, listen to your solicitor - take a very sensible friend or relation with you - this is such an emotive subject it is really easy to only hear what you want to hear - you need to make the process as quick and painless as possible.

Thirdly, once you have got your advice - sit back and do nothing! You are in the house he is not, tell him you are changing the locks as you do not feel safe and tell him to come and get his stuff before you do so.

Speak to the solicitor about your inheritence - ask him if it can be hidden - he is there to advise you.

Please do not trust ex further than you can throw him - he is never to be trusted again until all this is settled. I made that mistake and the git took all our money then went bankrupt and has not paid a penny since for our son who was 4 then. I nearly lost everything to the creditors - had to practically divorce the KPMG eventually!

Most important of all - keep your dignity at all times! Screaming and crying only feeds their ego and desire to point the finger and say 'see, look, is there any wonder I left' - the 'whatever' face and attitude from you is by far the best option. Act to his face as if you couldn't give a stuff - cry and scream behind closed doors ALWAYS!!

I will reitterate the solicitor advice - get some now then leave it - don't do anything until you absolutely have to with regard to Courts, fees, letters, legal stuff - it costs money and lots of it! The divorce itself can be done by you - it is really, really easy - you only need a solicitor to haggle over the money and even then, if you get some good advice at the beginning you should be able to handle most of the paperwork yourself with a couple of phone calls to a solicitor just for peace of mind...

Best of luck and if you want to PM please feel free...
 
pines of rome said:
Apparently he can be in the house as much as he wants as both names are on the deeds i have to put up with it unless he becomes violent towards me so i will treat him with cool indifference and ring my solictor tomorrow
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NO - change the locks now and tell him you have done it because you do not feel safe - don't go into details - just tell him.

Tell him to schedule a time to come over and pick up his stuff or you will pack it for him and leave it out on bin day!

Don't go soft - he wants to leave then he leaves - don't let him control you any more.
 
I would love to kick him out but unfortunately the law says no, anyway he would kick the doors in or go and let my horse out he knows my animals are my weakness, so i,ll play the little dumb wifee for now and get busy behind his back.
 
Not divorced myself but my Mum is in the middle of a very messy one at the mo so know how you feel!!
As everyone has said get a solicitor - DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF he can't be trusted, when money/possessions are concerned peoples true colours always come out and more often than not they are not pretty!! They will say one thing to your face and do something totally different behind your back, ALWAYS get everything in writing!! My mum is too nice and was going to go down the amicable separation route and not though a solicitor, that's when we found out he had already gone to one himself and wanted the WHOLE house despite never paying a bill in his life and never working more than 10hrs a week, he wanted it all to sell and live off the money so he didn't loose his lifestyle that the 3 of us were paying for - luckily we can prove every penny - although totally unfair my sister and I after 12yrs of our money put into this property, as an investment, we are entitled to nothing as it is seen as a gift - how crap is that - how stupid were we for believing someone!!!!!

Often you can work out some sort of payment plan for a solicitor too rather than getting a big bill at the end, or you maybe entitled to legal aid, you do get the first half hour free though so if you don't like a particular one then find another that you feel will fight your corner.

If you joint own the house then unfortunately he has every right to be in your house and have access to it - you can get a court order once the divorce has gone through to get him out before the division of assets is sorted but that can take 5 or 6 months for the divorce.
If it were you I would just say you changed the locks as you lost your keys!!;):D

Do be warned though some solicitors do play the intimidation game and will try and frighten you with alsorts of stuff - my father tried to get injunctions on the 3 of us to get us evicted simply because we had shouted at him twice for about 5mins - how dare we ask him why he doesn't work!!!:p My mums solicitor did say unless we had broken his legs and nailed his nuts to a wall, and the police were involved, he couldn't do anything!!:D - tempting though!!:p

Make sure you have all your bank statements/accounts/tax etc paperwork in order as the solicitor will need to see all of it - basically it's a tick box and they go down a list of info you have to provide.
He will then get a letter from your solicitor advising him he needs to get one himself if he hasn't already and then they take it from there.
I would get your foot in the door first though as it does give you the upper hand, especially if you are doing him for adultery you have a good case, if you can prove it - not sure how that works though, and he doesn't cross petition and want it to go to court as that is maaaajor money!!

They then take into consideration all your assets - house/cars/pension/savings/furniture etc - I would have thought your inheritance money would be counted, maybe horses too - ask about them and maybe "sell" them to your daughter for a pound and change the names of ownership on their passports!:D - he would get half of that!!:D
They also look at how much you pay per month towards the bills etc as the settlement will start automatically at a 50/50 split, I wouldn't have thought the fact you have paid 2/3rds of the house would count - bummer I know - but the remaining mortgage will be split down the middle as will any debts you have in both your names - it's all very complicated and often totally unfair!!!
At least you have your daughter for support, and don't be surprised at how friends react - some you'll never hear from again - others will stick by you, it will show you who your true friends are though!
Good luck I hope it all goes well and you get the ******* for what he's done to you, and fingers crossed he's more amicable than my piece of trash of a 'father' - *******s!!!!!!:D
 
Forgot to say - check how you own your property ie. joint tenancy or tenancy in common, as it will affect your daughter if anything happened to you, you need to make sure your half goes to who you want it to in the event of your death, if it is joint tenancy your half automatically goes to your spouse regardless of who you leave it to in your will - ask your solicitor.
Also change your will to make sure he gets nothing!
 
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