help fell off my horse now have to choose

I think he is being rather unfair! My husband also gets worried about me, but basically we got over it by me agreeing never to take unnecessary risks. i.e. never ride livery horses that are unsafe (such as rearers). Always wear a hat whilst handling horses on the ground as well as riding. Always wear a hat oand body protecter whilst riding. That kind of thing.
 
I haven't read all the replies so someone else may have posted similar but I would say you need to look at BOTH relationships - yours with the horse & yours with your husband.

My husband rides motorbikes, he got knocked off years ago and broke his neck. As a result he lost his job and we lost our home as he was in the Royal Marines & got medically discharged so we also had to give up the military house we rented from them.

The first thing he said when he came round from his major op was "I'm not sure what bike to get next".

I have never asked him to stop riding ( in fact I've since started riding a motorbike myself ) and I've never given him an ultimatum. Yes I love him, I adore him and I want him safe but I also understand that he is doing what he loves and I have to let him do that.

He worries when I fall off my horses, when I've broken my collarbone & fractured vertebrae but he has never given me an ultimatum either.

Maybe it's time to sit down with him & listen to his point of view and then explain yours without becoming too emotional. Explain that it's a risky business and you will do all you can to limit these risks but you will be still be riding. Then have a think about how you really can limit the risks and what is going on with your horse.

I know it's easy to give advice when you're not involved but I wouldn't let this emotional blackmail continue. Good luck.
 
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maresmaid said:
Begging to go to shows to watch when your husband is working? can't talk to him about your hobby? losing friends? how do you feel about this relationship overall?
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I am rather concerned about this ^ like Maresmad

I dont think any adult should have to 'beg' or not discuss their hobby (even briefly!)
My DH hates horses, he'd be only too pleased to see me not at the yard.
However, he is adult enough to understand that this is my choice of a hobby (was my business when I met him) and that we also have a joint hobby in another sphere - but he would never dream of telling me to stop.

As to the losing friends, that sounds rather controlling :(
 
EJ87 said:
So i feel off my horse and have broken my elbow which will be fine in a few weeks. and yes im jus recovering from a sprained ankle from falling a few weeks ago but im still a novice so the inevitable happens. only this time my husband has cracked he said hes no longer goin to sit back and watch me get hurt understandably but i love it and wear a racesafe protector and a hat and ride most of the time in an arena its not lije im jumping off her for the fun of it but now hes making me
decide between him or the horse! Why is he doing this to me he knows how much i love her and riding. i dont know what to do he even slept in the spare room last night so hes serious. i really dont want to quite riding or sell my horse and to be honest i really dont want a controlling selfish husband!
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OMG:rolleyes::eek::eek::eek:

I know he is worried about you and has the best intentions and looking out for your safety but come on!! This is a sport accidents happen.

Jeppers

Since I been with my man :
  1. I have damaged my back a second time since being with hubby last time i was seconds away from being paralyzed.
  2. broken shoulder blade
  3. broken collar bone
  4. ruptured the tendon off my thumb
had a horse rear up on me and land on my shoulder and hand.


My man would not put me in that situation to choose.:mad:
 
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I think he is using your injuries as a convenient excuse to make you get rid of the horse. I may be wrong, but he does not sound as though he is that concerned for you as a person and so therefore I doubt his excuse is a genuine one. I agree with others. Your relationship sounds like it may need some looking at.
 
trottingon said:
Although it's worth having opinions from people who aren't involved and don't know you personally because they can be unbiased, it does seem like you are having serious problems in your relationship. You can't possibly give us all the detail we need to be able to give you proper advice on here in my opinion, so i thinkit's time to look up your old friends and speak to family members to help you decide the way forward. Good luck, whether your hubby learns to chill out with his attitude and live more harmoniously with you or whether it's time to go your separate ways, I hope you end up a lot happier than you seem to be at the moment :)
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I agree, we can only give an opinion on what we're told here. What OP has said leads me to believe that it's not all that complicated if she's having to beg to go out on a Saturday and placate her husband all the time. I would say so to a friend IRL and have done so with a friend who had a similar problem. She wanted to come hunting with me on Boxing Day, he threw a **** fit because he wanted them to do what he wanted, she was too scared to tell him it was hunting because he disagreed with it. I told her to tell him straight where she was going, it wasn't any of his business or up to him what she did. She told him we were going on a Christmas ride, although I was convinced he's turn up on the yard to check on her that morning. In the end she didn't come along as he made plans and she went with them, despite being really excited about hunting when I first asked her along. That's no way to live imo :( Unfortunately he's bought stabling 2 hours away from where we all live and she's moved down there with him, nearer to his friends/family/work etc. and given up her job. Isolating her just as the OP has said she is, although I'm glad to hear you work OP as you have an independant means.

Unfortunately I have seen what happens when one partner is controlling the other and it does not end well (not just the friend I mentioned but others). From what's been written here, OP's husband is controlling what she is doing and is now trying to force her to give up the horses she loves, not suggesting perhaps getting more help or getting something more suitable, but an ultimatum. I do not see how that's anything but controlling behaviour that needs stamping on. If a friend said to me what OP has said, I would tell her (and have done) that she either needs to get rid or give him a massive boot up the backside so he realises that he is not in control of her life and she will do as likes, thanks very much. I would also tell her to keep horses if she so please. Whether or not she keeps the ones she has if she's having such problems with them is another thing, but it's up to her, not him.
 
First of all we are living in the 21st Century. CHILDREN have to ask permission to go out for the day - WIVES DO NOT!

Wives should not have to sneak around trying to secretly enjoy a harmless hobby which they fund themselves.

Only you can know if this relationship is healthy and right for you, and I would not presume to suggest that it is or it isn't, but you dont sound too happy with the balance and maybe it's time to take stock.

For very different reasons from yours I have experienced challenging times in my relationship with my husband. My horse has always been my escape from stresses at home and there have been times when I doubt I would be still married if I didn't have my horse. My husband is not in the least bit interested in horses, he does not come to the stables, or to competetitions with me. When I compete he always asks how we did, and he sits and listens to me talk about odd things that happen on the yard, just as I listen to him talk about work. He doesn't "get" horses but he knows how much my horse means to me, and he believes that I should continue to do something I care about, even though it takes up a lot of time and money - and that's a big part of why I love him, and it's a big part of why I have coped with some very difficult times.

I have to say like some of the others, I have concerns about some of the things you have said - but that is from taking things written by a stranger on ann internet forum at face value, I think the questions you need to ask yourself now are why do you love your husband? Do you have the life together that you want, and if not, what are you going to do about it?

Whatever you do I think it's definately time to stop "begging" to go out for the day!
 
My man once said to me I could not have a cat..(ended up with 3 long story:D)

I said to him "ITS A CAT OR A BABY YOU CHOOSE" thank god he choose the right answer.:D
 
I didnt have my horse before we got married as i didnt have the money but i was riding every week at a yard. my granny died and left me money which i purchased my horse with.
 
EJ87 said:
Maresmaid honestly i feel resentment in the relationship at the min even when we are together or go somewhere together its silent as we have nothing to talk about. i tried to
Get him involed in me and my horse by asking him to come with maybe take some pics (to give him a role) but its like dragging a large rock behind u so i dont bother asking anymore. even though i spend time with my horse or go to a show i always make sure iv all my chores done first ie making sure the horse is clean his lunch is made and dinner is sorted
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I will also amend my original post, sounds like a control freak - leave!! ;) sorry, probably not the best person to advise on these matters... My ex didn't allow me to see my friends, I went from riding every night to only at weekends to every other weekend (and yes I still had my own horse) and when I had a baby well that was it game over! His hobby was sitting in and watching football. I used to make a list before we went out for dinner, because I couldn't think of anything we could talk about. Life's too short husband or no husband, don't lose yourself I did, and it took me a long time to get myself back, and some days I am still not. If your ex is serious and you love riding and your horse as much as you say you do, I think you should lay it on the line and if he wants you, he should most definitely be trying to understand..
 
Was in same boat sadly, didn't change so found a good solicitor and started 'bye bye' proceedings. Just me and my ponio now but can finally breath without his noose. Good luck whatever you do hun :)
 
I had a lot of issues with my ex. He was and is horsey, but used to get really upset with the fct that I worked in racing, even though its what I was doing when I met him. when I broke my leg at work, he was not very happy, and I had to get a different job, even though it was something I loved.
I too lost friends, most of them are still floating about, and are very specific about me not going back to him.
I would not be happy at being told what I could and couldn't do.
Its supposed to be a partnership, it either needs to be one, or you are going to have to look at your options.
 
EJ87 said:
I didnt have my horse before we got married as i didnt have the money but i was riding every week at a yard. my granny died and left me money which i purchased my horse with.
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So horses are a part of the person you were before you got married, and are still a big part of who you are now. Has he changed much?
 
sonjafoers said:
but I would say you need to look at BOTH relationships - yours with the horse & yours with your husband.
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This /\ I think both relationships need looking at. I am so sorry you are in this predicament, sounds very hard on you. I understand his worry but then he cannot control you like that, as another poster has said, controlling is not good and will often end badly. It is not right for one partner to control the other, it just should not be like that, it breeds resentment and trouble.

He should not be asking you to chose between him and your horse, that is simply not on. I wish you all the best of luck with it x
 
I couldn't put up with a husband who required me to ask his permission to go out. Fair enough if he is worried about your safety, but an ultimatum is not the way to deal with it. He should be supporting you not adding to your upset.

Frankly it sounds more like he is worried he won't have his dinner on time than anything.

Personally I would be telling him to show me a bit more respect and support and to stop acting like a spoilt child. If you are less feisty than me maybe consider some couple counsellng to help you resole this and fnd a positive way forwards.
 
loubymiller said:
If my hubby ever asked me to choose I'd have his bags packed before he'd even finished the statement!
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Bin bags I hope?

I have to agree and I was in a similar situation many years ago. This is not about your horse it is about control.

Please look deeper. I bet he doesn't ask your permission to do anything he wants?
 
I'm another who thinks that you need to look at your relationship with your OH, possibly with outside (face-to-face) help. This sounds like it could be a watershed moment in your marriage, brought to a head by your husband. You certainly should not be begging to go to a show when your OH is working (or at any other time). Try to remember what a friend in a difficult marriage said to me, 'I realised that the only behaviour I could change was my own'.
 
sounds like you've answered your own question, you don't want a controlling husband but you don't want to lose your horse! if your happy then he needs to let you get on with it!
 
Ask your OH exactly HOW he would compensate you for the loss of your horse, company, hobby and companionship.

Ask him to list all the things he is going to do and provide to make up for it.

I suspect the answer would be "nothing".
 
As a person with a 'normal' OH, if I kept injuring myself on a specific horse, he would question my riding that specific horse, but would support my riding in general. I might get a 'you need to get someone to school that for you/find out what is wrong with it/sell it and get something less dangerous' rather than a 'sell it and stop riding' response. He led me around on a safe pony years ago when my confidence was completely shattered after a really nasty fall, and supported my getting back on the horse with the issue once I was ready. He's always a voice of caution when I need one, but also comes to the stables and helps out when needed. In turn, I haven't an issue with him riding a motorbike (have done myself so can't exactly talk!!), but do have an issue with motorbikes and motorways - because motorbike accidents at 70mph are almost always fatal, and I really don't want to lose him because some idiot in a car/lorry didn't look before they moved out.

So that's a 'normal' relationship take on your issue. It's NOT normal to say 'give up your hobby', but is IS normal to say 'that's dangerous, you need to reduce the risk'.
 
Having read your post, and some but not all of the replies, I feel very sorry for you. I also know how you feel as I have a very non horsey OH who is also very controlling. And sorry to say this but the problem is probably a lot do with the fact that he is controlling. Correct me if I'm wrong on this, but I am sure if you look at other parts of your relationship you will see that he tries to control most aspects of it.

He probably does love you too and is worried about you getting hurt. But you are a grown up and we should not have to ask permission to do things. Again, I know how you feel on this as I have to ask permission to do things to. I never go to shows or comps as he doesn't like horses. I don't talk about it either as he is not interested. And unless I am broken I don't tell him if I fall off.

How long have you been together? I have become slightly better at sticking up for myself but we have been married 10 years now. However, as I said I still ask permission and I still don't talk about it much. He has slightly mellowed in the fact that occasionally he will come and look at my horse. And did have to look after him once when I went to a wedding for 2 days in another country. Of course said horse decided to escape from the field and charge around the garden:eek:

I have however told my OH that if he ever made me sell my horse I would take the money and leave him. I am pretty sure he realised that I meant it, so never asked me to sell him again!!!
 
I would choose the horses everytime because hubby is just being selfish and it would make you unhappy having your horse so tell him to just be beside you and basically grow up,sorry I am not very patient when i comes to men.
 
EJ87 said:
Maresmaid honestly i feel resentment in the relationship at the min even when we are together or go somewhere together its silent as we have nothing to talk about. i tried to
Get him involed in me and my horse by asking him to come with maybe take some pics (to give him a role) but its like dragging a large rock behind u so i dont bother asking anymore. even though i spend time with my horse or go to a show i always make sure iv all my chores done first ie making sure the horse is clean his lunch is made and dinner is sorted
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When I read your OP, I did wonder if maybe you had overhorsed yourself, and he was genuinely worried for your safety.

However, after reading the the above paragraph, and I'm sorry to say this, but I think he wants out of the relationship, and this is just a convenient excuse.

I bet he's secretly hoping you'll choose the horse, so he doesn't have to look like the 'bad guy' if you split up.

If I were you, I'd call his bluff on it, you're probably better off without him.:(
 
He's probably doing it because he cares, but at the end of the day, you own that horse, and everybody takes the risk with riding these horses, and he needs to deal with that. x
 
I have to say OP that this man seems really controlling - also think ahead - if he is like this now what will he be like in the future should any children come along. I'd be thinking cold and hard about this one !:eek:
 
EJ87 said:
So i feel off my horse and have broken my elbow which will be fine in a few weeks. and yes im jus recovering from a sprained ankle from falling a few weeks ago but im still a novice so the inevitable happens. only this time my husband has cracked he said hes no longer goin to sit back and watch me get hurt understandably but i love it and wear a racesafe protector and a hat and ride most of the time in an arena its not lije im jumping off her for the fun of it but now hes making me
decide between him or the horse! Why is he doing this to me he knows how much i love her and riding. i dont know what to do he even slept in the spare room last night so hes serious. i really dont want to quite riding or sell my horse and to be honest i really dont want a controlling selfish husband!
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but what a bast@rd... This is your one passion in life that you love and with that particular horse and how dare he start issuing ultimatums. If he loved you as much as he says then he wouldn't be making you choose, he wold support you - yes you've had accidents, who doesn't? This is a very accident prone hobby.

It sounds like he is used to getting his own way with things and throwing tantrums - like this! It's an emotional form of bullying. Is there any other aspects of your relationship that he has tried to control before?

Can you not sit down and tell him that no your not selling your horse, also that he needs to grow up and be more supportive BUT that your going to book up some lessons or call in a private instructor or something to help with both your horses manners and your riding techniques and how to control certain situations? This way your not letting him walk all over you but your also making the effort to do something about the falls etc and to try and improve.
 
Sorry, I have just read your thread about you doing lessons, so ignore my earlier post!

I have just read through this thread with my non horsey OH and even he sat there and shook his head at what this so called loving husband is doing.

Granted, my OH worries about me have accidents ect when I'm out but he would never ever make me give it up. As he wants me to have this hobby and enjoys seeing me smile when iv come back from a good hack out. He sits in the car at the gates waiting to pick me up and even brings along my slr camera to take photos of me and the horse I ride. He also asks me how my ride went, where I went and if I enjoyed it.

I know he doesn't 'get it' but at least he makes the effort to show some interest in something that plays a huge part of my life.
 
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