Help older friend realise she can’t go one with her horse like this ?

[Mary3050]

Hi guys,
I am unsure how I should approach this with out upsetting my family friend . Her husband and granddaughter have both approached me with some concerns. I have mine too. My friend also has memory loss not to bad just forgets a lot. The horse is an 8 year old Irish sports horse who can be very mareish. She is not a quite ride she can be very highly strung especially in winter . Has recently chucked my first off twice bolting off in the last 2 months . It’s happened a few times in the last year too. Her husband was very upset when I dropped some bits around as she was at the horse on her own, was late no picking up and the horse had been acting up yesterday. He’s got cancer, diabetes, he’s also had a few falls one causing a fracture to his back last year only small, he can’t put his shoes on or have a wash alone. In the last 3 months he’s feel 5 times at home. He was very upset saying he can’t have her get hurt because he can’t cope on his own. Before Covid he used to with her but he can’t leave the house any more. Originally the horse was brought for the grandmother and granddaughter to share. But the granddaughter is at uni now so can only help when she home but can’t ride due to injury as well as time constraints. When I spoke to my friend she said that the horse is being very naughty/highly strung because of it being winter and not being able to work the horse in the school which is poor quality. My friend mainly hacks walk and trot around for 45 minutes average. The horse needs more

I rang the granddaughter she has previously said to me the situation with the horse worries her. She said she know and tried speaking to her grandma but she gets up sets and argues with the them. They have discussed the options but her grandma won’t have any of them.
- Sell the horse ( friend won’t do it and family think it would be far to upsetting for her)
- Part loan the horse the mare would cope with being schooled by loaner and hacked by my friend. Granddaughter has spoken with her gran about this she didn’t want a bad ride riding the horse (she expects a pro basically)
- pay a professional to come work the horse (most don’t want to come as the schools poor often not rideable).
- Move yards to somewhere with a better/indoor school.
- move to granddaughters friends yard, good school with a pro to school the horse (expensive and a longer drive)

My friend doesn’t like change but somethings go to change. Before she get hurt . Does anyone have any ideas what to do or how to approach this ?

 

[stormox]

If your friend is still enjoying the horse Id leave her be - and get her husband to tell her his worries.
She is probably right about winter, horse being fresh etc a lot of us arent able to give our horses the excersize they need at the mo.
Probably the mare will be a lot quieter when she gets more turnout. Your friend could always give her a lunge if she's a bit too fresh.

 

[Gloi]

Spend some time with the grandfather so grandmother gets a bit more time to herself and her horse.

 

[Orangehorse]

Big problem. I don't have any immediate suggestion, except to present it to your friend as something to improve the life of the horse, like giving it more to do, more exercise, etc. And then suggest that it moves temporarily and see what happens. Maybe go for the granddaughter's friend for a fixed amount of time, just to get it going and worked with the aim of looking for a sharer/loan person. Or maybe the granddaughter would be able to ride it more if it was well exercised. I think long term it would be best for the horse to be sold to a suitable person, but your friend will have to be reconciled to this.

It does sound as though it is an accident waiting to happen, but I expect your friend is hanging on grimly to "normal" and by giving up the horse she is admitting that she is getting old, so it has become a point of principle - like getting an older driver to give up the car. It isn't the actual car, it is admitting that it means giving up your independence and freedom of movement and rely on someone else. So for your friend who has always had the horse and it represents her picture of herself, she is being asked to stop that.

One a lady I know was in her 70s and she admitted that the actual care of her horse was getting too much, she sold up, horse, tack, trailer, everything, but she continued to ride by finding a riding school that provided the sort of riding she was looking for and had a couple more years of riding enjoyment but without the work.

 

[Skib]

As a rather old rider myself whose sanity depends on my riding, I would leave the lady alone. Horses do not really need exercise. They are fine turned away. And my understanding from my first share is that cutting the feed could reduce the energy particularly in winter.
In old age, one rides knowing the high risk but death is in any case closer, and when one's OH is ill, there are few compensations in life able to take ones mind off it and keep one going.

 

[ycbm]

I realise that this isn't what many people will want to read, but there is every possibility that this person feels perfectly happy with the risk that an accident with the horse will remove her from the responsibilty of looking after her husband who "can’t have her get hurt because he can’t cope on his own" .

Either that, or the excitement of riding a horse which is too fresh is the only thing that makes life worth living for her, and leaves her able to cope with a dependant OH when she gets home.

Unless she expresses any issues with it herself., I think she should be left to 'enjoy' her horse however she wants.

PS you are clearly a caring friend, though.

 

[Flame_]

I rang the granddaughter she has previously said to me the situation with the horse worries her. She said she know and tried speaking to her grandma but she gets up sets and argues with the them. They have discussed the options but her grandma won’t have any of them.

Express to the grandma all the reasons you are concerned for her once more, laying out all the outcomes that worry you then, if she's of sound mind (or as sound as the rest of us riders are ) respect her choice if she is happy to go on exercising the horse.

 

[Gloi]

Can they afford to get carers in so she can have some sort of life away from caring for the grandfather.

 

[doodle]

.

 

[Flame_]

Yeah, it might be worth the grand daughter considering more of an all round type than a competition horse - less expense, less time consuming, safer for grandma or whoever else is doing the exercising while she's away...

 

[Orangehorse]

The one thing we haven't found out is how old this lady is. When you say "older" that is older than you, but perhaps she isn't as old as all that.

I am 67, does that make me an old lady? I was thinking from the OP that she is possibly in her 70s but maybe she is a lot younger than that!

 

[Petalpoos]

Maybe harsh, but she is a grown up and it is her life. I understand your concern but do not think you should get involved. Situations are often far more complicated than anyone looking in from the outside could tell.

 

[AmyMay]

Maybe harsh, but she is a grown up and it is her life. I understand your concern but do not think you should get involved. Situations are often far more complicated than anyone looking in from the outside could tell.

I completely agree.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

New yard, I reckon and a decent sharer who will cope with a horse which sounds like it does need riding more than it is currently.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

I do not see there is anything you can do about this TBH.

If you DO venture to poke your nose into the situation, you are very likely to find yourself thoroughly rebuffed and may lose the friendship of this woman as well as thoroughly putting the cat amongst the pigeons as far as the rest of the family is concerned; then the possibility is that they would all turn against you....... for that reason I would urge you to be extremely cautious as to what, if anything, you say or do - as this has the potential to go thoroughly t!ts up if you dare to go where angels fear to tread.

At the end of the day, it is HER horse, HER life, HER decision..........

 

[Arzada]

What University programme is the granddaughter on? Is it one of the few courses that permit University attendance?

 

[Shilasdair]

I'd just like to say how horrified I am that a woman, an older one at that, is allowed to make her own decisions regarding the level of risk she can take in riding her horse.

I'm even more disgusted that she's choosing to enjoy at least some of the hours of her days, rather than be at the beck and call of her whiny partner, washing his bum and putting his shoes on for him.

Honestly, they give women the vote, and then they think they have some sort of right to make their own decisions!

OP, the sooner you get together with all of her family, and make her life hell until she complies with everyone else's opinions, the better.

I thank God I'm a man, and I look forward to my partner looking giving up their life to look after me, and me alone, in our twilight years.

 

[ester]

Improve the school so she can use it in winter?

 

[stormox]

I could actually be the woman you are talking about - rising 69, feisty sport horse mare..... and I would be extremely upset if someone I knew had written on a public forum like this! I have always enjoyed the challenge fun and satisfaction of riding what some would call "unsuitable for an older lady" horses - but I ain't gonna change now!!

 

[Kipper's Dick]

Absolutely no offence meant, OP, but well-meaning people who interfere in the lives of others give me the creeps.
Hell, it's probably the only bit of excitement she gets.

 

[Micropony]

There is all sorts that could be going on here, and I think you could do well to avoid interfering. You don't say how old grandma is, or how experienced with horses, but caring for her husband could well be really taking it out of her, and the horse could be the only thing keeping her sane.
Unless you know the family well enough, and are willing, to offer help, either with keeping grandad company so grandma can spend more time with the horse guilt-free, or practical help with the horse, and to not be offended if told thanks but no thanks, I think you should give it a swerve.
This isn't your problem to solve, and even well intentioned 'advice' or offers of help could potentially cause considerable hurt and/or offence.

 

[Nudibranch]

I've said this on another of your posts op. No offence but maybe let people get on with their own lives. It seems to be a recurring theme.

 

[Shay]

Please let this "poor" woman make her own choices. Leave her alone and don't judge. Then hope that when you are "older" younger folk don't try to dictate your life.

Would you appreciate it now at your age if someone went on social media and asked advcie about how to tell you how to be with your horse? I suspect not. Why should she. There is no welfare issue with the horse. Let her make her own deicions.

 

[JennBags]

So glad the consensus is "none of your business". Keep out of it.

 

[SheriffTruman]

I'd just like to say how horrified I am that a woman, an older one at that, is allowed to make her own decisions regarding the level of risk she can take in riding her horse.

I'm even more disgusted that she's choosing to enjoy at least some of the hours of her days, rather than be at the beck and call of her whiny partner, washing his bum and putting his shoes on for him.

Honestly, they give women the vote, and then they think they have some sort of right to make their own decisions!

OP, the sooner you get together with all of her family, and make her life hell until she complies with everyone else's opinions, the better.

I thank God I'm a man, and I look forward to my partner looking giving up their life to look after me, and me alone, in our twilight years.

Hear hear!

 

[Anna*]

I'd just like to say how horrified I am that a woman, an older one at that, is allowed to make her own decisions regarding the level of risk she can take in riding her horse.

I'm even more disgusted that she's choosing to enjoy at least some of the hours of her days, rather than be at the beck and call of her whiny partner, washing his bum and putting his shoes on for him.

Honestly, they give women the vote, and then they think they have some sort of right to make their own decisions!

OP, the sooner you get together with all of her family, and make her life hell until she complies with everyone else's opinions, the better.

I thank God I'm a man, and I look forward to my partner looking giving up their life to look after me, and me alone, in our twilight years.

Exactly this! I’m so pleased everyone thinks the woman should be left alone to do what she what she loves.

 

[shamrock2021]

None of your business

 

[Daughter of the Moor]

You don't say how old your friend is but it sounds as though she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. I would imagine it is riding and time with her horse that is keeping her sane. Being a carer for a life partner is incredibly difficult emotionally and very stressful. I am an older person with horses and I would not appreciate someone trying to tell me what to do.

 

[sunnyone]

Sorry horses are sanity savers for some, what with lockdown and a husband in ill health, the poor woman needs to do something she enjoys. If that's caring for a horse so be it. The only thing you could usefully suggest is that she carries a working phone at all times. That way the couple can check on each other if need be and phone for appropriate help immediately.

As long as the horse's welfare is of no issue I think you should leave well alone. You and others may think you are trying to do a good deed but it could so easily turn into something else very quickly.

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

I'm a grandma.
I have my own yard.
I have a quite pingy ride. (Can be very athletic at times)
I can be forgetful at times.
I ride most of the time on my own.

I'd be rather upset if someone posted about me on a public forum without having the common courtesy to perhaps chat with me 1st.
I cant be doing much wrong tho, I'm often asked to escort others out, do yard cover, I go to RC sessions for sj to xc and camps, and.... shock horror...... I manage to drive my horsebox to places without requiring a pratt nav ?