Help with childs confidence?

[Bobthecob15]

Hi all, just wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom to help my 8yr olds confidence? She has really taken a nose dive over winter and I'm not sure what else to do.

Long story short, had pony for about 15 months, he's an angel really, perfect first pony. They have been fab together in general, she's had a few falls (4 that I can count) and always got back on after, nothing nasty just overcooked a jump and bounced off the saddle, another when he spooked at something and she hit the deck. In about November time he started bucking in canter which was very unlike him...everything checked and adjusted, teeth, saddle, physio. He's been much better since... however she is refusing to canter in case....he's had a few sneaky canters in the arena where he's got a bit speedy and he's been ok. She is totally panicking though when he gets faster in trot in case she can't stop him (he's never taken off or done anything to make us think he would). She has become anxious in trot now when he gets faster...he has become a bit stronger over winter, her instructor rode him the other week and said he was a bit strong.

We've tried a few different bits to see if she has more control and confidence with those and he seems happier in the wilkie and a hanging cheek mullen mouth. So shs knows she can stop him if she needs to but is still reluctant to do anything much in the arena and as for hacking...well forget it! She's worried about open spaces in general and I have to walk next to her and reassure her if we do go out.

She's gone from being super confident to barely wanting to do anything and it's so frustrating. She gets upset with herself, she loves riding and doesn't want to stop but I'm not sure what else we can do.

She said she feels more confident in smaller arenas, when we go to PC she is much better and less focused on her pony, so having company helps. Her instructor has done lots of transition work with her, lots of attempted distraction etc...but I'm starting to think we might need to try another person as she doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

We are moving yards in 2 weeks to a place with more company for her to ride with and a smaller arena (currently we have 60x20 and she feels its massive)..they have a resident instructor there so we Will definitely try them and see if that helps...I do feel she is much more confident when riding in company or with friends so hopefully the new yard will help.

She understands she is being irrational with her fears, she knows this is part and parcel of riding and that worse case scenario he'll get faster or she might fall off in the arena. What else can we try? I've also had the hard discussion about not continuing if she doesn't feel she can progress past it...but she is adamant she wants to keep going.

Thanks

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Let her set the pace, when she is comfortable she will want to do more but having people keep.pushing her to do more will be counter productive

 

[Tiddlypom]

Take all the pressure off. Keep her on the lead rein if she prefers that.

She's lost her nerve - it happens. It might well return, but only if she can build her confidence back up at her own pace. 4 falls off a first pony is rather a lot. You do seem to be rather invested in her riding activities. Be prepared that riding might not be for her.

I was that terrified child after a fall and getting dragged when I was about 4. I hardly rode again until I was 10, when I went to a local riding school and gradually got my nerve back. That was my idea to start riding again, though.

 

[Red-1]

I agree that, at 8, she should go as slow as she likes.

If she has friends at a riding school, I would even see if she could join their lesson on a school pony. Get the fun back into it.

 

[mustardsmum]

As others have said, she sounds like she’s lost her confidence. Her pony frightens her, he’s bucked with her and he’s strong. You say he’s never taken off but even your instructor says he’s strong. Your daughter will sense him getting strong and this is scaring her. Putting a stronger bit in is not really the answer. Sadly, they don’t really sound like a great match. Maybe loan pony out to a more confident/experienced child and find her something that prefers life in the slow lane, a pony that will ignite, rather than extinguish, her love of riding.

 

[Carol Singing Dawg]

Our 8 year old lost all her confidence after a fall on the road. She's now going to a riding school every week, and riding both her own and her brother's ponies at home, but this has taken a year. Still a bit nervy but getting over it slowly, we never push her, and if she wants to get off, she does. Your pony does sound like a mismatch, finding the right one is so difficult and expensive. Good luck with it all.

 

[dottylottie]

another who would say let her go at her own pace - giving her the ultimatum of not carrying on with him will be worse for her confidence because she’ll be feeling the pressure. when i was about 10, i had the same thing and my mum got sick of hanging on to a lead rope, so she bought a lunge line - used it once and all of a sudden i got over it so possibly an idea? gives her the independence to still “ride” properly, with the security of you on the end of a rope without having to be right by her side!

providing all goes well with the move, maybe some games/obstacle courses either alone or with some friends? simple things like moving cups or putting a bean bag in a bucket, but they can be done at any pace and it should put the fun back in to riding for her! as well as taking the focus off of actually “riding”.

fingers crossed it gets better for her! even now, if i was getting nervous and my mum was just telling me to get over it or sell her i’d be telling her to sod off

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

My friend had a similar issue her older daughters pony was passed down to her 6 year old but the pony was just too wizzy, they ended up selling her and buying something quieter and she has been much more confident, the new one is actually bigger but more of a kick along.

 

[Bobthecob15]

Thanks all, he was a total kick along for a good 11 months and they were well matched, they did lots of competitions together and were doing great...over winter he has become whizzier and stronger.

Good suggestions thank you, she currently rides riding school ponies once a week too at school and is happy cantering and jumping on them, they are safer I suppose compared to hers who she's had a bad experience on.

Will keep persevering and going at her pace, she is absolutely not being pushed to do anything, quite the opposite. She is adamant she wants to carry on with him, we've discussed the option of another pony if he is too much for her but she won't have it.

 

[Red-1]

How well do you know the riding school? It just occurs to me that she is happy there, is cantering round, and jumping... I wonder, if the pony is really not an issue, other than she has had a problem with him, if they would take him on a working livery for a while.

Initially, she could see others ride her pony in lessons, see them having fun. Also, the pony would have more work than he is currently getting, and it sounds like the school ponies are thoughtfully managed and trained, for your daughter to be happy riding their ponies.

I reckon, if you were to do this even until the next school holidays, the pony may have changed back to the pony he was. She will also have ridden him in a space tat she is happy with. Or, if there is an issue, an experienced riding school will have sussed the issue so you can make a decision on how to proceed.

 

[Merry neddy man]

Possibly a food work ratio, is he fed more than just hay and how often is he rode, could you lunge him or someone else ride him for 15 minutes before your daughter gets on?

 

[maya2008]

Put her back on the lead and help her understand that now nothing hurts, pony won’t buck. Part of that is making sure it’s safe (so lead rein) and part of that is making her have a go despite her fears, in the safe environment you create, so you can show her it’s ok. My 8 year old daughter managed to frighten one of our young ones on their first canter together (shouting woohoo and waving your arms not being a thing…). I popped them on the lead, we worked on brakes so she knew she had them, then we cantered on the lead in a safe space, then on a longer lead, then off it, then out on the trails again. She also knows what caused it and won’t be doing that again!!

How about some lessons on a steady pony to build the canter confidence too?

 

[Bobthecob15]

Thanks for fhe suggestions, good idea re lunging we will try that, the speediness is a bit intermittent, some days he's a kick along and others more speedy...I think feed may be playing a part actually, he's now only on a chaff, hay and grass but over winter was on a bit more.

She's said today she's like to do more games activities so will stick to what she wants to do, we sometimes do lead rein out hacking for confidence.

Thanks so much all x

 

[alibali]

How well do you know the riding school? It just occurs to me that she is happy there, is cantering round, and jumping... I wonder, if the pony is really not an issue, other than she has had a problem with him, if they would take him on a working livery for a while.

Initially, she could see others ride her pony in lessons, see them having fun. Also, the pony would have more work than he is currently getting, and it sounds like the school ponies are thoughtfully managed and trained, for your daughter to be happy riding their ponies.

I reckon, if you were to do this even until the next school holidays, the pony may have changed back to the pony he was. She will also have ridden him in a space tat she is happy with. Or, if there is an issue, an experienced riding school will have sussed the issue so you can make a decision on how to proceed.

Absolutely this if at all possible. Sounds like your daughter needs more company with friends which generally means more fun and less pressure. Also riding lots of different school ponies will help her confidence. Seeing other kids fall off dust themselves down and get back on will normalise the concept that an occasional fall is normal and not a disaster and hopefully put her previous experiences into perspective.

Pony sounds like it may need more work than your daughter is currently able to give it. Or if there is other underlying issues regular work with experienced instructors watching it should pick up the problem and allow it to be addressed.

Caveat to the above is the riding school needs to be excellent. I'm lucky enough to have a fantastic BHS approved school about 40 minutes away and we've been driving there past several other much closer ones weekly since my daughter lost her pony last year. All their ponies are in beautiful condition, never seen so many slim fit healthy looking cobs in one place before. My daughter's confidence has grown hugely and she is now in a much better place to take on her next pony.

Good luck, I think making sure your daughter has fun every time she rides will be key.

 

[Bobthecob15]

This is exactly why we are moving yards, where we are is mostly retirement livery so no other owners go up and ride and we are always the only ones there...so it's pretty quiet and she's missing the company of other riders and owners.
We take pony to school competitions and rallies as often as they are on and she is much better there as she has her friends to bounce off of and have fun with. We did consider working livery but I'm just not sold on the idea, it's not something they generally do anyway and it would be tricky riding around lesson times etc.

Hopefully a busier yard and new company will help and will have a couple of lessons with the instructor there and see how she gets on x

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I would resolve to not give this pony any hard feed next winter!

 

[Patterdale]

You say he’s an angel but also that he’s bucked her off, spooks, and is strong and whizzy? 4 falls is a lot in that time for a small child who is constantly supervised.
I have a nervous 8 year old too so I know what it’s like, but if she’s having regular lessons and getting worse then something is wrong.

Sounds like the pony is not great for her tbh. Have you thought of selling it and going back to just no pressure riding club lessons for a while? Or a break from riding?

It can be really hard to see the wood for the trees with your own children, but it always needs to be remembered that it’s our hobby, not theirs. They didn’t choose it.

 

[alibali]

This is exactly why we are moving yards, where we are is mostly retirement livery so no other owners go up and ride and we are always the only ones there...so it's pretty quiet and she's missing the company of other riders and owners.
We take pony to school competitions and rallies as often as they are on and she is much better there as she has her friends to bounce off of and have fun with. We did consider working livery but I'm just not sold on the idea, it's not something they generally do anyway and it would be tricky riding around lesson times etc.

Hopefully a busier yard and new company will help and will have a couple of lessons with the instructor there and see how she gets on x

Really hope it works out well for you both. My experience has been my daughter lost confidence (no obvious reason) around 4 years old. Started again at 9 during lockdown on neighbours saintly 15.1 Welsh cob but still not the most confident. Had him on loan until lost him last year, she wasn't sure she wanted to ride anything else. Took her to try at the riding school I mentioned above, 9 months on she much prefers riding the feisty ponies and is happily jumping anything she sits on over 80cm! It's not doing MY nerves much good but it's certainly transformed hers! We are about to start the next journey with another pony of her own but I feel the last 9 months of riding such a wide variety of horses and ponies has been invaluable. So I guess my experience has been that her confidence has been lost and found to a greater or lesser extent several times but having her peers around her and broadening her experience in a supportive environment has helped enormously. Hopefully the yard move will make the difference to you both.

Totally understand your hesitation re working livery. I would never have considered it previously but I've been so impressed with the ponies condition and the standard of the staff and instruction at this particular riding school I wouldn't hesitate, hence my caveat that the riding school would need to be excellent.

 

[Bobthecob15]

You say he’s an angel but also that he’s bucked her off, spooks, and is strong and whizzy? 4 falls is a lot in that time for a small child who is constantly supervised.
I have a nervous 8 year old too so I know what it’s like, but if she’s having regular lessons and getting worse then something is wrong.

Sounds like the pony is not great for her tbh. Have you thought of selling it and going back to just no pressure riding club lessons for a while? Or a break from riding?

It can be really hard to see the wood for the trees with your own children, but it always needs to be remembered that it’s our hobby, not theirs. They didn’t choose it.

Yes we have considered selling but he's been so good for her until very recently, the bucks we assumed were due to pain and poor saddle fit which has now been resolved...he's much happier since then. She is a nervous child lately but desperately wants to keep him and persevere. So we'll see how we go after the yard move then decide x

 

[fetlock]

I went through similar as a child with my pony of the time, except I was a bit older at twelve.

Even when the problem with the pony which caused the huge loss of confidence in him was seemingly resolved, I remained terrified on that particular pony. Any other pony, I was fine with. We sold him on.

 

[AnShanDan]

You say he’s an angel but also that he’s bucked her off, spooks, and is strong and whizzy? 4 falls is a lot in that time for a small child who is constantly supervised.
I have a nervous 8 year old too so I know what it’s like, but if she’s having regular lessons and getting worse then something is wrong.

Sounds like the pony is not great for her tbh. Have you thought of selling it and going back to just no pressure riding club lessons for a while? Or a break from riding?

It can be really hard to see the wood for the trees with your own children, but it always needs to be remembered that it’s our hobby, not theirs. They didn’t choose it.

I really agree with this too, in my experience when it goes wrong for younger kids there is often no way back. I know that's not what you want to hear but they aren't this age for long and it is totally crucial to get the right pony.

I've got 3 kids of my own and I've known (too) many kids come through pony club and I've seen similar scenarios so often. I always say to people you are better to cut your losses with a pony and get something more suitable if you want to progress; the right, confidence giving pony is so, so important.

Of course some kids can cope with falling off, being carted etc. my eldest was like that, nothing would stop him riding and he ended up eventing and show jumping at 1.20+ but one of my other kids had a pony that initially he got on with brilliantly but then a few small things happened and they basically lost confidence in each other and it was a quick downward spiral. I sold that pony and got something that he could trust.

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

Yes we have considered selling but he's been so good for her until very recently, the bucks we assumed were due to pain and poor saddle fit which has now been resolved...he's much happier since then. She is a nervous child lately but desperately wants to keep him and persevere. So we'll see how we go after the yard move then decide x

Perhaps find a bigger more experienced child to ride him a few times a week or a small adult if his not too tiny.

My friend is lucky she puts the bigger daughter on the ponies first before the 6 year old gets on and she will often ride her pony in between which helps to keep them bust.

They all can get a bit fresh in winter I know mine definitely do.

 

[canteron]

Just as a thought, could you get pony cantering in the lunge - then borrow small jockey to ride while cantering on lunge with daughter watching.
Then when (and only when) she wants to can have first canter on lunge?

 

[QueenT]

I had a bad fall last year, swallowed my pride and only rode in walk or on a lunge, with instructor or others. We did pole work where I could simply follow others. It works over time, there is no chance in hell I would have gotten on that horse outdoors/alone/cantering - an 8 yo can’t articulate that. I ride my daughters horse now, and put that one up for sale - I simply couldn’t ride that particular horse. (Sadly, I had to put her down in November because of a hind knee injury while turned out, but that’s another story. Main point is, she would have been a lovely horse for someone else)

 

[tda]

I don't have children but I would have been that child, my dad was very particular what we rode so we did not have problems.
I would put her back on the lead rein til they both settle down again. When she's ready to go solo she will tell you, and if not then it's not the right pony for her at this time

 

[Red-1]

I don't have children but I would have been that child, my dad was very particular what we rode so we did not have problems.
I would put her back on the lead rein til they both settle down again. When she's ready to go solo she will tell you, and if not then it's not the right pony for her at this time

I agree. If working livery at the riding school wouldn't work for you, put a lead rein on as a matter of course. Just keep doing it until she asks for it to come off. Next time, put it on again. Always presume it will be a walk on a lead rein unless she says different.

 

[Jenko109]

Ponies rarely really NEED hard feed. I've had a pony fit and in work for pony racing only getting a low sugar chaff with a little bit of sugar beet.

I doubt this pony needs any hard feed at all. I would cut back to just hay and if possible, increase his workload.

 

[Poppy+MrDarcy]

Don't pressure her to canter, just let her do what she's comfortable doing, and in the end she'll get the confidence back. The last thing you want her to do is to loose interest in riding because of being pressured into a canter and something DID happen. How tall is the pony? Is it possible for you to get on and have a go?

 

[Bobthecob15]

Ugh back to square one! So she did eventually canter him at the weekend, he was ok with it and she seemed happy. Tonight she had another lesson and she was confident, happy and laughing...then out of nowhere he did a massive buck (in trot, she wasn't doing anything to provoke it) and she had a really bad fall...the pony really meant it too. Her instructor was shocked. I'm at a loss of what to do. Feel terrible for putting her in this situation as she's spent months trying to rebuild confidence then just when she's getting there he does this. I think we're going to have to consider rehoming him. Absolutely gutted for her and for him

 

[PeterNatt]

Get rid of pony and get one that is 100% Bombproof/Spookproof and controllable at all times.