Helping with disappointment?

[Spangles]

How do you help a youngster who’s lost a year of fun with their horse due to injury, knock after knock & just when they thought things were going in the right direction, yet another blow !

Not once have they felt sorry for themselves, have accepted & got on with the walking, waiting & rehab plan but having watched their horse’s vet review only to be told ‘need to investigate’ , they are defeated. Broke my heart watching their face on the news.
They’re not a child, not quite an adult but i saw the pleading in their eyes ‘I can’t do this any more’.

What do you say ? How can I say ‘chin up, it’ll be ok’ , I want to encourage them to keep positive without sounding like empty words. So hard when we’ve had such a crap year.
Anyone else gone through this ?

 

[Roxylola]

I'd commiserate with them and offer a sympathetic ear. There's no harm being honest in saying it's really rotten luck and they deserve something better after all their work. I know that's not what you asked, but I think anything else will sound hollow

 

[milliepops]

I'd commiserate with them and offer a sympathetic ear. There's no harm being honest in saying it's really rotten luck and they deserve something better after all their work. I know that's not what you asked, but I think anything else will sound hollow

agreed.
it's hard. it's really hard. sometimes having horses is just one disappointment after another. there's no way around it but acknowledging how rubbish it can be is probably a good start. even as an adult who is well-used to this reality it helps to have a bit of a pity party sometimes, before you can move on.

 

[LEC]

You will end up with a resilient child who can deal with disappointment and learn how to bounce back. Unfortunately this is horses and they will either have the passion to carry on or they will decide its not for them. I am not sure how competent they are but I always would try and go and find horses to ride for other people and weirdly the best opportunities have come out of riding for other people. I just offer for free and normally get to pick and choose what I want to do.

• Horse A had to have time off and so rode out for someone I met through HHO and was local and ended up having an eventer on loan who taught me a lot.
• Rode out for my local hunt after horse A was a write off and was given two on loan to compete over a few years which saved me having to buy another.
• Horse B had to have a year off so went and rode for a local lady through advertising on FB and ended up competing that horse, breaking in her homebreds and now competing them.
• I did a lot of volunteering while horse A was off work. Met a couple of people who told me UKCC was doing qualifications which were lottery subsidised so ended up getting a teaching qualification. Would never have happened without meeting these people.

I have always fancied riding out racehorses but never quite got it to happen.

 

[Goldenstar]

It’s really hard for young people at that stage .
You need to kind but realistic with them and you need to think about the fact you don’t need to do this any more .
you don’t say what the problem is but If you are in the situation with one horse in livery and not a good outcome expected then you can decide to PTS and start again .
Horses are not for the faint hearted the realism is tough to learn .
You are only young once you can only enjoy that time once I would be thinking what’s the best way to allow my child ( if this is your child ) enjoy this precious age when you are physically able to have such a good time .

Vets will investigate till the cows come home don’t waste half the cost of a new horse on a horse you can’t fix .

 

[Highmileagecob]

Some vets absolutely will continue til the cows come home, especially if insurance is picking up the bill. Is there a realistic outcome expected, or are you on the 'we haven't found the cause yet' path?

 

[TPO]

Just wanted to say how kind you are for noticing what this person is going through.

Rehab and vets is a hard slog and it can be made harder with the "input" of others. I think tha they would appreciate someone acknowledging their efforts

 

[Winters100]

As LEC said I would look for someone who would be happy to let the child have a ride. We had similar situation at our yard last year, child of 14 had their first pony off for the whole summer (Mother, who owns her own horse at the yard so should know better, had bought unvetted and told me that it was not necessary to vet because she could see horse was healthy, hopefully lesson learned).

The child is very nice and helpful so I let him ride my schoolmistress whenever he wanted, and actually he really improved during this time because he was always supervised. Have a look around, or encourage the child to do so, there might be some great opportunities.

 

[Cortez]

That's life with horses though, isn't it? Sympathy is good, not offering false hope is better.

 

[SO1]

Unfortunately this only works if the rehab is not taking up a lot of time. In my experience rehab is more time consuming than having a normal riding horse especially when the horse is on active box rest.

If the horse is on active box rest and she is on DIY and having to muck out twice a day and walk in hand twice a day and she is in full time education I doubt she will have much time for anything else.

Different if turned away or on rehab livery.

My pony currently on rehab for 2nd time in 2 years he had 10 months of normality before getting a 2nd soft tissue injury in a different leg. It is heart breaking especially when you have set backs. He is 20 this year and I have had a good 14 years with him so can't complain too much.

I don't think there is anything you can say to help but it is ok for her to feel frustrated and disappointed but she is still young and has years of riding and fun ahead of her. Oh to be young again it is much harder rehabing a horse when you are nearly 50 and don't quite have the nerves for it the only benefit is being in a better paid job so being able to afford to pay for help.

You will end up with a resilient child who can deal with disappointment and learn how to bounce back. Unfortunately this is horses and they will either have the passion to carry on or they will decide its not for them. I am not sure how competent they are but I always would try and go and find horses to ride for other people and weirdly the best opportunities have come out of riding for other people. I just offer for free and normally get to pick and choose what I want to do.

• Horse A had to have time off and so rode out for someone I met through HHO and was local and ended up having an eventer on loan who taught me a lot.
• Rode out for my local hunt after horse A was a write off and was given two on loan to compete over a few years which saved me having to buy another.
• Horse B had to have a year off so went and rode for a local lady through advertising on FB and ended up competing that horse, breaking in her homebreds and now competing them.
• I did a lot of volunteering while horse A was off work. Met a couple of people who told me UKCC was doing qualifications which were lottery subsidised so ended up getting a teaching qualification. Would never have happened without meeting these people.

I have always fancied riding out racehorses but never quite got it to happen.

 

[poiuytrewq]

We had this when my daughter was younger. First she had older ponies then an absolute superstar youngster who she would have done amazingly well with but he had uveitis and without fail it just flared up every time she had plans. It was soul destroying.
I let her ride my horse and even took him to a show (all 16.2 lump of him squashed into a fancy dress outfit designed for a 14.1?)
I guess they do learn life’s knocks but it is hard and unfair.

 

[Toby_Zaphod]

We have to remember that when the lord made horses they were the last things he made so he threw them together with what he had left over so they look pretty but they are extremely fragile. Most of the injuries they get they do to themselves in the paddock. We rarely see them do it but we have to deal with the aftermath.

We've all been in this situation, or about to be in this situation or are in this situation now. I will not believe anyone that has been around horses for years who says they've never been in this situation. We're in this situation now & it's horrible , you never get used to it, you feel down, in the depths of despair and wonder if you're ever going to get out of it. I've been around horses for most of my life & I'm almost 70 now and the only thing I can say is provide a shoulder for the owner to cry on. Give as much support as you can & if possible offer help if you have the time. Basically be there for them & be as you would like them to be to you if you were in that position. If the situation with the animal is dire & the prognosis is zero don't give them false hope, it's not fair, just be there for them. It's all part of horse ownership. We normally should out live them, so upset & sorrow come with the package. If you cannot live with this fact then give up & buy a parrot or cockatoo because they seem to live forever.

 

[atropa]

Are you in the position to be able to physically help out and give this person a break? I.e. take over mucking out and rehab work for a day, or even see to the horse in a morning or an evening to give the person either a lie in or a nice relaxing evening to take their mind off it?

I think this is such a kind post. I have been here many times with my oldest horse and having that moral support made the world of difference.

 

[Leandy]

I think in these circumstances, where they have already been brave and patient, that "chin up, it will be ok" is probably not the right response. That minimises the pain and disappointment. I think it may be better to acknowledge it. Have a good cry, then try to accept it and make a plan to move on towards their dreams and goals. Perhaps they won't happen with this horse, and certainly not in the short term. Having my own children I have learned that their time as a child/teenager is actually very short and if they have particular ambitions, whether competitive or otherwise, the only way to achieve that is to have (beg, borrow, buy or steal!) the right pony/horse at the right time for them. They miss so much taking the longer term view (as an adult would). It is particularly bad currently because so many opportunities over the last couple of years have been lost due to Covid. Involve them in making a plan to achieve what they want. I would echo the comments above that I would not carry on throwing good money after bad in livery, rehab costs, vets etc fees, whatever in the hope a horse will come right eventually when significant time and effort has already been spent. Accept that perhaps this horse will not come right, and certainly not in the short term which is what your youngster needs now. The options then are PTS or turn away for at least 6 months and see what happens or retire, and move on. The other option, which is also perfectly acceptable if it is what they want at present, is to give up and admit defeat and focus on something else in life. I always think that the hardest thing to do is to make the decision. Make it, and you will all feel so much better.

 

[teddy_]

With empathy and honesty. Sometimes you have to draw a line and move on. Whether that manifests in euthanasia or turning the horse away.

It sounds as though this young person's emotional resource is spent and persevering may not be in either parties best interest .

 

[Trouper]

I think young people respond best to situations like this by being treated like adults. Telling her you are very impressed by the way she has dealt with all the trials and tribulations may help but I would also (if this is appropriate) sit down and have a serious conversation about how long you are both prepared to let this situation run on - almost irrespective of what the vet comes up with next - and what your options are. I think the most soul-destroying thing is seeing problems stretch out indefinitely with no plan in mind. Young people are very resilient and taking some control of the situation might help them to bounce back.

 

[Spangles]

Thnk you very much everyone. We are pragmatic by nature but love our animals and give them the best we can. No matter what the outcome we will face it together, make a plan. I guess half the battle is communication and laying all the facts in front of us, doesn't make the feelings any easier but we'll get there I hope.

 

[eahotson]

It’s really hard for young people at that stage .
You need to kind but realistic with them and you need to think about the fact you don’t need to do this any more .
you don’t say what the problem is but If you are in the situation with one horse in livery and not a good outcome expected then you can decide to PTS and start again .
Horses are not for the faint hearted the realism is tough to learn .
You are only young once you can only enjoy that time once I would be thinking what’s the best way to allow my child ( if this is your child ) enjoy this precious age when you are physically able to have such a good time .

Vets will investigate till the cows come home don’t waste half the cost of a new horse on a horse you can’t fix .

Sadly this is correct.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Do you want to share details of the injury? Maybe get other peoples' experience of realistic timelines and outcomes? Quite understand if you would rather not. Hugs to you both.