Hey ho, hey ho, we're off to...

HotToTrot

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...Tokyo.

When I bought Parrot, I cried. I cried because, in truth, I didn't want another horse. I wanted Vito. But if I cried when I bought Parrot, then how much more I cried when I had to let him go.

It's hard to say, really, who opened the door. It was either Vito, or my husband, but after they'd opened it, at the end of that long, hot summer, three years ago, They both stood back and they looked at me. They told me that if I walked through it, then they'd be right behind me. On the other side of the door, there lay a dream. The dream was Intermediate, the dream was FEI eventing, tailcoats and being told off by Jane Holderness-Rodham. When Vito hurt his tendon, that horrible day last year, I thought the dream had ended. In fact, it hadn't ended at all; it had taken a new turn. For Vito gave me not only experience and tangible skills, he also gave me confidence. The confidence to go out into the market, to buy a three-star horse and to say that I could ride him.

I never meant to ride Advanced. More pertinently, perhaps, I *was* never meant to ride Advanced. Advanced isn't really for people like me. It's not for people who can't really ride very well, for people who flop about in Chelsea Tractors, changing their wheels in Premier Inn car parks at the drop of a hat, people who might, without a moment's warning, suddenly whip their boobs out in the middle of an unsuspecting collecting ring and start feeding a superfluous child.

I have not found it easy, this game we call Eventing. Not for me a swift ascent through the ranks of BE on wings of ease, but more a trudge, a slog, a battle grimly fought with the only weapon at my disposal; a stark determination, to do the best I could. But I was not alone in my fight, for there in the trenches, shoulder to shoulder with me, stood Vito and Parrot. Two horses whose loyalty to me was never once in question, whose confidence in me would not be shaken, even when I had no confidence left in myself. There were more of them, too, more trench rats, without whom I could never have done the things I've done. My unhorsey parents, my equally unhorsey inlaws, none of whom had really every been near a horse before I entered their lives, but who were perfectly happy to drive to an arbitrarily designated field a million miles from anywhere useful, and wrangle with unco-operative children, fix ancient trailers and buy cake when all else had failed. My jumping trainers, of course, whose patience was endless and whose advice and guidance invaluable. It's a funny relationship, isn't it, that of a riding trainer and rider. In the strictest sense of the word, you wouldn't say either of my trainers were really my "friends". For example, they've never held my hair back whilst I've been sick on the pavement outside a shady south London nightclub. They don't know whether I prefer chocolate cake or cheesecake. (That's a trick question, by the way. I operate a very strict policy of non-discrimination and cakes from any background and denomination are eaten with equal opportunity.) But in that very narrow sphere of my life, that which lies between the red and white flags, they know me better than anyone, better than I know myself.

And then, of course, there's my husband. Maybe it was the fact that the end was nigh, maybe it was the bottle of fizz we'd opened, for no apparent reason, but he looked at me, he stretched his legs out in front of him, crossed his ankles as blokes do, and he started to talk. He said the things that we both think, but which, bound to silence by our unspoken code of conduct, neither of us have ever said out loud. "I'm glad you're giving up" he said, matter of factly. I dropped my eyes for a second and nodded, because I knew exactly what he meant. My husband is, and always has been, my biggest backer. When the loony-train of eventing pulled out of town, I didn't need to invite him jump on board as a passenger, because I found out that he was already on board. He was stoking the fire and driving the damned thing.

It's a subject that causes anyone with an ounce of feminist blood in their body to flare up in indignation. It's something discussed at length on internet forums and blogged about by those annoying types who write stuff about the kids and their boobs, and maybe even their horses, and who bang on about themselves to anyone who'll listen. "Well of COURSE he should look after the kids" they screech. "They're HIS kids, too. Well of COURSE you need to be able to Do Something For Yourself," they'll intone. "YOU have a right to a life, too." Let me be clear. The lengths my husband has gone to to facilitate my eventing go far above and beyond what anyone could expect of any other normal human being. He studies the BE calendar as we plan our holidays and weekends. He has the kids, every morning, every weekend, whilst I ride. He has made it his business to know the BE rule book, inside out and upside down. So when he said he was glad I was giving up, I understood. He has backed me, supported me, and wanted me to succeed. But. But.

The same thoughts have flittered in the dark fringes of my mind from time to time and I've pushed them away. Never admitted that they exist. Sometimes, people call it. "I gave up eventing" they say. "When I had kids. Just too dangerous. What if something happened to me?" I try hard not to ask myself the question when I hear that. Because if I ask the question, then I acknowledge its existence. I validate it, just by thinking it. I can't give you numbers or statistics. I can't tell you, in precise terms, how dangerous (or otherwise) eventing is. But I can give you names. I can tell you about Olivia Inglis, Jordan MacDonald, Ben Winter, Polly Phillips, Caroline Pratt, Franciso Seabra and many, many more. And I won't, will not, answer the question. I won't commit on whether I think it's an acceptable or sensible risk to run. I'll hedge my bets a little and I'll say that it's two sides of the same coin. If my kids can inherit one thing from me, then I don't want it to be the ability to speak multiple languages, or to be good at cycling, or whatever it may be - I want it to be courage, determination, and the refusal to be deterred by mild inconvenience. (And, of course, the ability to count as far as "one", or even "three".) And isn't that the same thing that made me go eventing, the same thing that makes me run the risks that I won't talk about?

For now, though, I don't have to answer that question. It's been neatly sidestepped, avoided, and I'll slip quietly away from the world of BE, taking with me fantastic memories of two phenomenal horses.....

Sayonara.
 

michelledud

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Don't quite know what to say but didn't want to read and run...
Sounds like you've had a phenomenal time competing, way above the dizzy heights you thought you could reach.
Off to Japan? Hmmm isn't that where the next olympics are??? Might be an idea to get involved in the eventing organisation somehow.....methinks you might have planned this ha ha😄😄
 

Lyle

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Beautifully written, as always. I gave up eventing too, after reaching the upper levels (which were a slog and a half to reach). I've never regretted it, not once. I still ride, doing dressage though. I think you've made an incredible decision, one that will lead you on a brilliant, amazing life journey with your family. And isn't that what life is about? Making memories of amazing journeys?
 

The Fuzzy Furry

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HTH, a very eloquent piece, totally get what you are saying - enjoy the next chapter - I'm going to miss your bloody brilliant write ups m'dear x
Good luck for the future, and never say never :wink3:
 

Joyous70

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You are such an inspiration to all.

I want to wish you well with the next chapter of your life, I too will miss your write ups and following you where I fear to tread, however, thanks to you, you have without a shadow of a doubt made me find out my brave pants and push on with me and my girl, as im sure you have with many others.

Wishing you all the best :)
 

miss_c

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Oh HTT... I am going to miss you and your fabulous reports.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us follow your eventing journey with you - we were the passengers in cattle class on that train but made to feel like VIPs. I have loved slogging up every hill and back down into a dip with you and I hope you find some way to continue writing as you are so very good at it.

I wish you the very best in Tokyo.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

<3
 

LeannePip

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amazing writing as always HTT, my eyes did leak slightly.

I for sure will miss your write ups, your dedication to your sport and your horses is inspiring.

good luck with the move, and enjoy the new adventure that Tokyo will bring
 

Bustermartin

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I've laughed and cried along with everyone else over the past couple of years - but very rarely commented. With sadness I applaud your decision - you have been an inspiration to us all. There will be many adventures and memories to be made ahead - I just wish you could continue to share them with us! xx
 

cundlegreen

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Great post, but you must always be moving on. There are other challenges, I'm sure, and you can concentrate on watching your children grow up.
It was nice to actually put a face to a name yesterday, sorry you didn't complete on your last ride.
 

VRIN

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As always an excellent and emotive report. I am guessing there will be some similar reports on exploits in Japan - maybe not horsey but we will all read with interest and feel a part of your Japanese adventure....
 

monte1

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i also had a tear in my eye as i read this, as others have already said, I feel in awe of your achievements and also very grateful that you have shared your amazing journey with us all. it has certainly inspired me to get out and do it before it is to late - rather than watching from the sidelines.
best of luck in your new family adventure, I hope we will hear from you again in the future!
 

digger2

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In the words of Douglas Adams "so long and thanks for all the fish".

I'd hoped you'd be winging over to Aldon as your swan song, for one last hurrah, but you've snook off content to finish in one piece with you and your boys ready to start a new chapter.

Not many can say "I did that", but you can, and you can write the book, and if you're not eventing think of all the time you'll have.

Thanks for sharing your highs and lows and all the bits in between in such a fun way. :)
 

Lanky Loll

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Oh HTT what will HHO be without you - a less eventful place for sure. I'd hoped to get over to Gatcombe to finally put the face to a name and wave you off to pastures new but family and life got in the way.
You've been an inspiration and if I'm honest more than a bit awe inspiring - I've muttered to myself more than once that if you can get to Advanced with 2 children, complicated job and all the rest of life to deal with, that I can get myself, with my one child, less complicated job and great support to more than one event / over that much smaller course over there without utter catastrophe.
Have an amazing time in Japan but I for one will be hoping for a HTT commentary on the Olympics ;)
 

Girlracer

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What a lovely piece of writing, I am so glad to read something from someone who is aware of how lucky we are to get to have a go at this eventing lark - at whatever level. And just how much support it takes from the 'background crew'.

Good luck in Tokyo, if I win the lottery in the near future (which admittedly in unlikely, as I don't play) I will happily give Vito, or indeed Parrot a home.
 

humblepie

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What a beautiful piece of writing and I too will miss your reports. What an experience and opportunity for you and your children in Tokyo and have a fabulous time there.
 

nikkimariet

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Wish you all the best OP... I always look forward to your posts. And I hope that you will share some of your Tokyo adventures with us :)
 

Luci07

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I have always enjoyed reading your reports. Your stories always epitomised what eventing was to me and how it does not get any easier.

Enjoy Tokyo - what an adventure! Sure you will find equine friends there and look forward to different stories.. oh and for the record? I do agree with your sentiments. Family and partnerships is about standing back sometimes and looking at the picture from everyone's perspective. Good luck with your new journey.
 

Bernster

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A very moving piece, so well written. I too have slight eye leakage going on. I've loved reading your reports and following you on your mad cap adventures, with awe and laughter in equal measure. I do know where you're coming from with the other half. I have a fabulously supportive other half but horses and riding take up a huge amount of time and energy and it does mean compromises with other parts of your life.

I wish you every success and joy in the new life in Tokyo. I do wonder a little whether you will get drawn back into the equine world one way or another...
 

Mike007

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I reckon that your OH must be an amazing guy. Horse riders have been dropped on their heads far too often to be considered rational. But your OH has been so proactive. I guess that he must be breathing a sigh of relief though. As a supporter ,I too know how we have to hide and subdue our anxietys for our riders. To undermine what we love about our friends by our own fears for them. I loved your post .
 

JennBags

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Basically everything that everyone has already said. You're a wonderful inspiration and I will miss your eventing exploits immensely.

You will shine in Tokyo I'm sure. Please keep us updated with your life there.
 
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