Holiday or Horse...is OH right???

I understand you're hurt etc, but not talking is childish and an epically crap example to the kids. You can only sort this by communicating properly.

I see your point in that he said you could have the money and I was in the same position a few years back (hot tub or horse, we got both and lived frugally for a while) but it sounds like it's mostly his money so unless you have the what's yours is mine deal going on, it's tough really. Also, I think it's a really bad idea to get a horse that looks like your old one and have you even been to see it yet? It might well be sold/horrible. If I were selling, I would definitively not be contacting someone who asked for LWVTB etc. You want the horse, you make the running.

I don't mean to sound foul, I just think conducting yourself in this way is hardly conducive to getting what you want.
 
Whilst I think it unkind to renage on a promise - I think you have a lot to be grateful about (by the sounds of it).

So, personally, I'd tell him how disappointed you are not to be able to take the enquiries about this horse further, and leave it at that.

Holidays, home, horses all provided for you. Which is more than so many of us have - and goodness knows your OH deserves a holiday (as do you). If this 2k is not back pocket money - then the money is not there I suppose to buy it anyway.

Hugs, I know you must be disappointed.
 
Misinterpreted said:
I haven't read any other replies, but in my house HORSES before holidays - always!!!!!

A holiday is a week or 2 away somewhere, which you will have forgotten about in a months time and you will have nothing to show for the money you spent on it - a horse is a lifetime of continual pleasure. Your £2K is better spent on a horse without question.
Click to expand...


Absolutely. Absolutely wrong, too, but I'm afraid I'd be letting him go on his own...
 
Misinterpreted said:
I haven't read any other replies, but in my house HORSES before holidays - always!!!!!

A holiday is a week or 2 away somewhere, which you will have forgotten about in a months time and you will have nothing to show for the money you spent on it - a horse is a lifetime of continual pleasure. Your £2K is better spent on a horse without question.
Click to expand...

^^^ This! In our house thinking of spending that amount on a holiday is laughable, we'd rather pay for something we can enjoy for a long time (horse?) rather than waste it like that.
 
I would actually go and have a conversation with him and make sure there is nothing else in the bigger picture worrying him, like job security etc, although I am rather assuming that would be OK if he is still planning the holiday.

Its a catch 22. He holds the purse strings so calls the tune, but clearly has not elected to do so before now. It does sound to me like you need to have a larger conversation around finances though. My SIL does not work and they have 2 small boys, albeit both at school. She is, however, completely involved in the finances, helps with the business and they were much have an attitude of "our" money. However, in their case I think it is greatly helped by the fact they both have a very clear idea of priorities and agreed that other things would be sacrificed to meet their priorities - which for them is school fees.
 
I feel for your situation but it sounds like you could both do with the holiday to have some time together and sort things out rather than not speaking and being upset.

Both myself and my OH work full time and have our own hobbies etc. But as we have a mortgage and bills etc we have to have some give and take. I earn more than him (at the moment) and will put extra towards household bills etc when needed.

I've just had the option to buy a new horse or get the kitchen done and as it was soley my money I opted for the horse!!

We're now jointly saving for the kitchen!

Talk to him, say you are disappointed about this horse but that perhaps you could start looking when you are back from holiday. Agree a budget with your OH and wait til you have the money before starting to look. It'll be more disappointing if you start looking and then find your dream horse is sold before you can get the money together.

Holidays are not always a waste of money. They can be a great break away from work and other stresses and maybe your OH just wants to ensure that he gets his break this year. July's not that far away to save another £2k and maybe he doesn't want that worry on top of any other worries he might have? I can only guess though.

Either way I hope you get it all sorted soon.

x
 
Thankyou for all your replies.

Amymay - you're right, I do have alot to be grateful for, and to be honest, speaking to you all has made me see that. I think I was so caught up in the fact that this horse looked like my old one, I didn't really think of anything else.

OH will be home soon, gonna make his favourite dinner and have a chat with him, think I've been very silly not talking to him - but I was upset!

Thankyou all for making me see things in a different light.
 
tbh when i read your first post, i forgot the holiday part of it and my first thought was -is the only reason you wan this horse is because he looks like your old one? would you still be so set on this particular horse if it looked differently? have you seen it/ridden it or basing your need for it on a picture? i dont think i could even buy a horse that looked like one i had before, i think id be too upset every time i looked over the door and realised it wasnt my old one!
i think you really do need to talk with your OH, can you come to a compromise - a cheaper holiday and a cheaper horse or see if a loan does come up?
 
I dont think he is being mean. He maybe doesnt realise how much you had pinned your hope on THIS horse. I would let him know how you feel and explain to him that the horse is reasonably priced, and that you may have to search forever to find another one who takes your fancy. If buying this horse means that you wont be able to pay your holiday then i can see his point but if it just means a bit of saving for some extra time I would definatly let him know how you feel (and give him some of the good loving when you get the horse!) lol:D
 
I know its hard and I would be tempted to say horse instead of holiday however your OH works hard so you don't have to. He deserves a holiday, you can save up again for the horse and don't make the mistake of going for one because it looks like your old one. A friend of mine did that and ended up with a horse that is far too much for her.
In our house we both work. If I didn't have my horses I also wouldn't have to work. We both have very good salaries and we have a joint account. Neither of us would have it any other way. When we got married we set some ground rules, one of them being that it was never your money or my money but always our money and it didn't matter who earned the most. We also agreed never to argue about money. We either had it or we didn't. We also never go to bed on an arguement as it only gets worse the longer it is left to simmer.
 
Mary Poppins said:
Yes, I think I should really start looking when we have the money (again). I don't know if the horse is still for sale anyway, but he really did look like my old horse which is why I think I wanted it TBH.

Misst - I had never really thought about saving myself, but think I will now. For some reason OH has really put his foot down on this and I'm a bit like :eek:
Click to expand...

I think one of the biggest issues in this whole thing is what you're basing your choice of horse on. So much of choosing is heart, but if you wouldn't choose him without the emotional factor of "he looks like my old horse" then he's probably not right for you.

Another thing I'd like to say is just because he does the paying for things doesn't mean you don't make an equally valuable contribution to the household. I assume you do the most childcare as he's at work, and probably housework too? Just because his is paid doesn't mean yours isn't work.

And I understand about the horse/holiday permenant thing - but an amazing family holiday is one you remember for your whole life! And also a good time to get the new horse hints in there ;)

Best of luck
 
I cant believe I am going to say this, after the many arguments horses have started with my oh lol. Go for the holiday, that is only you that will benefit with the horse whereas you can have a treasurer family memory. Save for a new horse when you get back feeling all relaxed and tanned lol

I would love another horse butt oh said either daughter had her first pony or I had a horse. Decided on daughter having a pony. I have had my time and now it is her turn. Am looking for a or job so I can save for my horse and then he will have no say.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey :)
 
I always thought that marriage was an equal partnership and you both work, you at home, keeping everything going, so there should be no one saying it's his money and you should be talking to each other about how it is spent. Now your little girl is school age, couldn't you get a part time job and put your money away for your future horse and it's keep. And I've found what holidays I have taken (very few) never match what I thought they would be:( and couldnt wait to get home. My OH still laughs about the 3 week holiday I took in California and rang him up after 1 week saying could I come home (he was looking after the animals) my idea of a holiday is having home for a week and catching up with the little jobs that need doing round the stables and fields:D:D:D
 
It all depends how controlled your feeling.

I'd take the holiday then when we got back I'd be looking for a PT evening job so I had my own money. I just can't imagine asking the OH for money for my Tampax, haircuts and ponies TBH.
 
Hi all. I spoke to him last night and told him that I was upset with him saying I could get a horse and then saying no. Long story short, the money we have will pay for the holiday and when he gets his tax rebate through I can have that to get a horse, but not sure if I trust him on that one!

I do have a ebay business which does well so in a way I do work, but think maybe instead of putting it back into the house I will keep a bit for myself.

x
 
I can see both sides to this. Is it the first time he has said you could have/do something then changed his mind?

I only ask as it seems this could either be a case of he tried to make you happy then realised it wasn't possible or he is being controlling!

Some men don't like their wives too work because they have control over everything then??
 
OP are you married to this man? If you are not then you are in a very vulnerable position re money in the future if anything goes wrong. If you are then ignore me :)
 
Horsegirl - No, not married to him but been with him for over 7 years - we just never got round to getting married. He is very old fashioned in his ways, he likes me being at home. I do everything indoors, look after the kids etc and he works and pays for everything. He gives me the housekeeping on a Friday and everything gets paid out of that, but seeing how he's been lately, has made me think.
 
I totally understand you wanting to 'replace' your old horse with something very similar. I tried to do this after losing my old boy 6 years ago. I went to see a 15.2 black section D with a white star and snip and 4 white legs even though I knew deep down he was too quiet and too old. Luckily while I was there they listened to what I thought about the horse and said, they had something closer to what I was looking for and brought out a 16.2 grey IDx. I said he was too big and too white but the convinced me to try him and six years on I'm so glad they did. I'm also really glad he's NOTHING like my old boy. I compare them enough (usually unfavourably for poor old Arch as no horse will ever live up to Eb!) as it is, if they were more similar it would be even harder.

There will be other horses, but your kids are only young once and you'll have memories of holidays like this with them for ever, as well as a happy hubby / family.
 
Thanks Annagain. Thinking about it, I do think I would compare the horse I wanted to my old horse which probably wouldn't be a good thing.

I know I'm going to lose the arguement with OH over the holiday/horse thing, and you're right, the kids are young and they are looking forward to the holiday.

What you have said made alot of sense.

Thankyou. x
 
annagain said:
There will be other horses, but your kids are only young once and you'll have memories of holidays like this with them for ever, as well as a happy hubby / family.
Click to expand...

This is a very crucial point. I am a Mum and a horsey person but my kids are teenagers now and I would give anything to have them back as little kids again :(

If I were you I would put your horse hunting on hold, enjoy a fabulous holiday with your family and discuss it again when you get back.

It would be different if you were looking for a pony for one of the children and anyway, I believe in fate - if its not meant to be then accept and wait until the time is right :)
 
AS it's decided there is nothing more to ad re the horse/holiday debate. However I AM concerned that you are not married, are "not allowed" to work and "with the way he's been lately" he is controlling the finances. If you ever do split then you will find yourself in a very bad position OP. Could you survive on the money from your Ebay business if necessary?
 
Didn't think you needed to be married these days?

I thought being together that long entitles you to half anyway, plus with the kids etc

I could be wrong tho...
 
Sanolly said:
Yes you are wrong hun, the only entitlement an unmarried woman would have if she split from her partner is maintenance for the kids.
Click to expand...

Oh god didn't know that!!

Maybe a quick trip to Gretna Green is in order then OP, just to be safe and all that :P
 
I know this is going off the original topic but

sorry but I would worry too. It does sound like he is controlling in one breath he says he is old fashioned and you should stay at home and him take care of the finances but then you aren't married??? he is either old fashioned or not

I worry for you because I was married to a similar guy, he was actually very clever with it too, I am a physiologist and still didn't realise as he would manipulate me in such a caring and sweet way UNTIL I started to say no then he started putting his foot down!!
Just one of his many tricks was to promise me something and then change his mind pretending he was sorry about it all
 
However I AM concerned that you are not married, are "not allowed" to work and "with the way he's been lately" he is controlling the finances. If you ever do split then you will find yourself in a very bad position OP. Could you survive on the money from your Ebay business if necessary?
Click to expand...

OP, I would be far more concerned about what sounds like your partner's toxic, controlling behaviour than whether or not you can get this horse.

Your daughter is in school. Get a job. Earn your own money. Put it in your own bank account. Get control over your finances and choices. Do not let your partner bully you into a position of dependence and subservience.

If you have a local women's centre, they might be able to help you with job opportunities and self-assertiveness training.

You're a mother of a young daughter. Think of the example you're setting for her. Don't you want your daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman?

Good luck to you.
 
OP you either need to marry this man or you need to get some financial independence. You also need to find out if there is something worrying him. A horse obviously is a long term commitment. Maybe that is what is concerning him? Can you expand your ebay business maybe? What if he bought the horse and then there were issues about paying for its keep?
 
Maesfen said:
^^^ This! In our house thinking of spending that amount on a holiday is laughable, we'd rather pay for something we can enjoy for a long time (horse?) rather than waste it like that.
Click to expand...

Thats exactly what we've just done. We were going on a big holiday for my 40th but have now got a lovely 3 year old gelding instead- he will give me years of pleasure ( my 21st birthday foal has just turned 19 and has been my horse of a lifetime)

My other thought is if this horse is still unsold- make a low offer and see if you can spend 1k on horse and 1k towards the holiday..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top