Horrible panicking when I feel out of control

I sympathise. After several crashing falls I found myself in a similar place. My solution was to stop riding and do just inhand things, leading,long reini g. After many months I decided to tack up and mount. I did just that. Then dismounted right away. This lead to little walks and then trots. I still don't canter but I'll do little jumps at trot. Riding is meant to be fun. It doesn't have to be competitive. You don't have to do everything. Just walk in the arena if that suits you,if not then lead. Just enjoy your time with the horse. Grooming creates a great peaceful bond too.
 
Wow I can relate to this. My horse has physical issues which when it is bothering him, can make him super spooky. His MO is take off including backwards. He has little to no regard for anything around him. He has dumped me a number of times or will throw in a random massive tantrum out of the blue. Problem is, is he still needs to do very light work - not doing anything makes his arthritis worse. We mostly walk now but we still have moments of "holy 💩" i am not the most confident and neither is he. Some may say 2 peas in a pod...generally ok but when we aren't....

I try to stay in places where we mostly feel safe and that we know. Doing long line work in scarier places helps significantly but he has "typical" places that he will nap or get spooky/looky no matter what.

I get really tense and will be adopting some of the techniques on here. I am one who likes to push my boundaries but within a safety net if that makes sense. I have lately been trying different bits as anything slightly strong makes the spookiness worse - he curls and I really have nothing. Could be an avenue to explore? I have found a bit he seems to like which relaxes him much more (only problem is he was spooky on the weekend and I was quite certain I was going to die with limited 'control' as the bit is very soft. I have learned a one rein stop works very, very well to break the spooky mental circles but struggled to do this).

It is the thought of not being able to regain control and what stupid thing he will do with pedestrians, cars, etc. if he does take off and dumps me that scares me the most.

Basically saying OP, that you are not alone!!! I have never been a confident rider and have either been involved in or have witnessed some very serious falls.

Eta: with my bit trials I have been purposely trying to find scary situations to see how the bit handles even though I am allergic to putting myself in such situations! Seems counterintuitive but feels like if I know if I can get the horse "back" from a major spook then I personally feel safer and more confident.

Eta #2: my body is wrecked from many moons of falls and variois accidents. It means that i am not as secure or effective in riding. Since I started seeing my chiro/physio and doing PT to help in my rehab, I find it puts me in a much better position and able to handle surprises better. Not sure if you have any aches, pains, and/or compensations?

Eta#3: how is the saddle? Different saddles will put you in different positions which affect how you communicate with your horse which can affect confidence. I have fallen off in saddles that didn't suit me and also ones that horse didn't like.
 
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If you are in the Devon area please feel free to PM me as I know exactly the right person who could help you.

What you need is an "Equine Confidence Mentor": someone who can ride out with you and give you practical coping mechanisms; it isn't about making the sensations you are feeling go away, it is about managing those issues so they don't have that sense of being overwhelming. Things like breath control, positive visualisation, self-affirmation, and developing a positive mindset are all things that you can do away from the horse, and which will be beneficial to you.
 
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