Horsey therapy? Do yours help?

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SaddleUpSin

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For lack of a better expression, a lot is going a bit "mammary glands up" in my home/love life lately. I don't really talk about it, but I need to talk about it, so sorry all. Bacon butties and matchy sets for those who bother reading! It's all mounting up, just everything. I can't concentrate at work, which then makes me stress further! My father has parkinsons and is slowly getting worse before my eyes (shut it out for a long time but recently talked about it and now I think about it more) which is a bit gut wrenching, I've had a long time to deal with it but I just haven't. I was about 10/11 when he was diagnosed so I've had a decade to let it sink in and it's taken this long. I've had one awful relationship after another and I really love the person I'm with but he's so Jekyll and Hyde it's destroying my mental health, telling me all sorts of sweet nothings over message then calling me an 'effing' idiot and a tw*t and all sorts of horrible things in arguments and berating me until I have panic attacks and berating me for that thereafter. It's painful and my anxiety keeps it all crushed inside my head. I love him but I want out and I'm so scared to end it. I feel like throwing up at my desk most days. He twists things so its my fault, so no matter what I do or say next it's going to be painful and it just fills me with dread. Sickening, to the stomach dread, which tears me apart as when he's lovely I really see the person inside who has potential to be so amazing. My legs feel weak typing this, I feel like a dreadful person who paints one sided pictures. I feel like rushing to defend him even now.

And then there's my lovely boy, just over a week until he's closer to home on DIY and mine everyday of the week. Utterly fixated on him lately, all I want to do is work with him, take photos of him, clean his stuff, talk about him, research things. I feel like he's my light in the darkness, my reprieve. Hence the influx of posts from me recently. But I'm worried I'm putting too much on him to "save me" from this pain. He doesn't realise this, of course, he doesnt know I spend every day thinking about him. Do you think he's going to be annoyed by have loads of attention? Horsey therapy is the best thing I've ever felt for dealing with difficult situations but I don't know if this is healthy. Sorry for this post. Sorry for everything :(
 
Oh OP, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Even if you've know about it for a long time, that doesn't take the pain away xx

It sounds like you know you need to do something about your OH - now might be a good time to rip the plaster off so you can make yourself a bit of mental space to deal with your dad. People don't change, IME, they are who they are and its unlikely to get better for you in that respect unless you take some action.

As for Simba, well - lots of us use our horses for time out from 'the real world'. He seems like a kind sort of horse :) provided he gets plenty of grub, exercise and turnout he'll be happy to be your listening post. As for "is it healthy"? well, that kind of depends what you do about the other problems. If you bury your head in Simba's mane and ignore the rest then probably not, because your problems will still be there when you leave the yard. If you use it as a stress relieving distraction while you are dealing with some heartache, then perfectly normal x :)
 
first dont be sorry there is nothing for you to be sorry for. I think your horse will be happy to have the attention and if you need a place to get away and "someone" to talk to he will not spread around what you say and you can let things out that you would not say to a person. very sorry to hear about your father its horrible wtaching someone go downhill but at least you can address your feelings and talk to family about it now. one thing I would suggest is that if your oh does not already know where the horse will be stabled that you do not mention it as at some point it does sound as if you will see that the real him is probably not the "nice" him at all and you will split up. so you may not want him knowing where you will be having your lovely boy in case he plays the cannot live without you semi stalking game.
 
Thank you MP xxx

He knows where he'll be, but he wont stalk me because he can't live without me, he'll turn it around on me and hate me because he sees himself as blameless.

I don't like to talk about it at home, my mums his carer and its a large weight on her shoulders without me adding to it. Aside from that, barely see any extended family, brothers at Uni but we're not close enough to talk about deep things really.
 
Sorry to hear about this OP, it must be horrendous to watch a person you love steadily decline :(
Towards the end of last year I tragically lost both my parents within 6 weeks of each other. I am convinced my horses saved my life, they ask no questions, have no expectations on how you should be feeling/what you should be doing and they just 'be' there with you. I had also not long bought a new horse and those first dark weeks we really bonded as I was pretty much at the yard from am to pm solidly, pottering about, riding, grooming, cuddling and getting all the odd jobs done before winter really hit. I wouldn't say they loved the attention but they didn't dislike it either, that's what really helped me, they were a constant in a world of varying emotions. The routines of looking after them really gave me a reason to get up in the morning and also kept me active. So totally, horses as therapy? It is the best kind!!

As for you OH it sounds as if they are not doing you any favours?? Is there anyone you can talk to?? Friends/family that will also support you if you decide to call it a day?? If not it may be worth looking at other avenues? Local groups etc. And if you just need an ear to offload something like the samaritans are very good.

I really hope the move goes well and your boy loves his new home.

Positive thoughts your way x
 
Sorry to hear that you are going through this - I agree with everything Milliepops says. When I'm stressed I often get the feeling that it is my horse that helps me cope, even though he has his moments sometimes, I think just being around him can help me. Just enjoy your boy...even just watching mine eat a haynet over the stable can be very soothing..you won't be annoying him I'm sure.
 
Sorry to read this op. One thing at a time, though. Horses, and all the activities around them are the best therapy, do as much of this as you possibly can to help yourself through the next hard bit.

You have recognised you want out - your current partner is manipulative and bullying and this is not good for your mental health and wellbeing.
Some of us have also worked through this kind of situation and it gets better as soon as you get out of it. There is no easy way to do this - calm final honesty is the only way. "I am done with this now - it is over." Don't get drawn into discussion, keep your heart out of it and focus on re building the strength you need to support your Dad through his illness and your horse in the style he would like best. : )
Good luck, it WILL get better. x
 
I just need him so badly, his sweet fluffy orange ears. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of how he'll react when I go to end it. His anger scares me. Waiting for my pone is killing me.
 
SaddleUpSin said:
I'm so scared. I'm terrified of how he'll react when I go to end it. His anger scares me.
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you need to discuss this with someone in real life. I know you said your mum is busy looking after your dad but you need some support if this is how you feel about your OH. this just rang alarm bells for me. I'm sure your mum would be horrified to think you felt like that but didn't feel able to talk to her. It will be fine, but you might have a bit of a bumpy ride and it would be easier with some practical support in place. x
 
SaddleUpSin said:
I just need him so badly, his sweet fluffy orange ears. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of how he'll react when I go to end it. His anger scares me. Waiting for my pone is killing me.
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ditto mp above :( please talk to your mother or a friend as you sound as if you may need to plan in advance so that you have somewhere safe to go until he gets over himself :(
 
I'm thinking of waiting until the pone is here to inadvertently "support" me, at the moment I can't get to him of my own accord and it hurts
 
I can never understand why people are afraid to leave an abusive partner. Ive been there. Penny dropped eventually and I left. I had involvement in his business, children and we had a yard full of horses, but I left ! No one should EVER have to tolerate any kind of abuse - you need to put yourself and your family first and get away from that man. Believe it or not, the most difficult part about leaving a partner is deciding to do it - once you've decided, and told them, its surprisingly easy and you will thank God every day that you did and other aspects of your life will improve. Be strong. Good luck x
 
I agree in principle Notime but in practice it can feel very different for some people, every situation is different. Sometimes the partner can be very unpredictable and that's why I mentioned about getting support IRL just in case OP needs a bolt hole - or just someone to chew it over with.
 
Yes of course she needs support. My family aren't local so my friends helped me quite a lot. But I just feel so strongly that no-one should have to tolerate an abusive relationship. Someone once said to me when I told her that I loved my (ex) partner, that love itself isn't enough. Ive never forgotten that and it is so true. It takes trust and respect too. I don't know the seriousness of the situation but I know social services can sometimes help too. Do please start the ball rolling OP. Keep yourself safe, get lots of help, but don't tolerate his behaviour any longer.
 
Oh, OP, it sounds like you're really having a hard time of it. I'm so sorry that you have so much on your plate.

One thing I will say is this: the only way to make that awful, sick feeling of apprehension go away is just to end it with him. Say the words, get it over and done with it, and you won't have to feel that way anymore.

As to whether it's healthy to rely on Simba so much, I sometimes think it might be better than relying on people. I have an incredibly close and supportive family who are always there when I need them, but sometimes I want to find my own partial resolution before I go to them with a problem so that they don't worry about it more than they need to. Horses don't feel the weight of your need in the same way, and that's why they make such good comforters. I believe they understand emotion to a real degree and can give the physical comfort of a big, strong body and that intoxicating horsey smell, but they won't take it away with them when you leave. That, to me, qualifies them as a perfect listening ear and cuddle buddy when you need one :)
 
JJS said:
One thing I will say is this: the only way to make that awful, sick feeling of apprehension go away is just to end it with him. Say the words, get it over and done with it, and you won't have to feel that way anymore.
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You know what, this really hit home. I'm going to message him tonight, from the pub so if he decides to rock up and go psycho I'm not home and around people. Too little time to waste on him instead of the horse.
 
SaddleUpSin said:
You know what, this really hit home. I'm going to message him tonight, from the pub so if he decides to rock up and go psycho I'm not home and around people. Too little time to waste on him instead of the horse.
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Sending you lots of good vibes to help you stay strong and be brave.
 
SaddleUpSin said:
You know what, this really hit home. I'm going to message him tonight, from the pub so if he decides to rock up and go psycho I'm not home and around people. Too little time to waste on him instead of the horse.
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good luck. can you tell a friend and eiter stay with someone or have someone stay with you for the night so he has time to absorb it? stay safe and please tell someone who does not put their phone on silent at night so you can call them if you need to.
 
I hope you're ok, any big decision can be very hard but relationship break ups can be horrible.

Talk to your Mum or at least tell her what you're doing and why so that she understands and can help you through it, might sound odd but Mums want and need to help so let her.

Take care.
 
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