how to afford horses & children?

[pippixox]

So I am not planning on children for a few more years, but we are getting married this year and hopefully buying a house next year, so I can't help but think about the future......
I honestly just don't know how we will ever afford children.
I have 2 horses, kept as cheap as possible on rented land and barn, but they still cost thousands a year of course! My OH runs his own tree surgery business & I work 2 jobs, as a support assistant at a SEN school & play leader at a special needs charity. I work 50 hours a week, but only earn a low hourly wage. Currently we split everything down the middle, except I pay 100% for my horses, & he spends plenty on bikes!
basically, I would earn less or almost equal to how much nursery charges, so it would not make financial sense to work. Although I love my jobs. But my OH has said he wont pay for the horses, as they are my hobby & also he would be paying for all our living costs if we had a child, so really would not have the money after that.
There must be other people in my boat? what do you do?
My only thought is that I can work evenings, so I look after child in the day while OH works and then he looks after child in the evenings while I work. But I know he would like some evenings after work to cycle and then we would hardly see each other as we would only really have weekends.
It is really playing on my mind. I know I want children but could not part with my horses

thanks for reading my long post!

 

[FlyingCircus]

I don't have kids, but if I was in your position now I'd look for a better paying job and depending how much my partner earned, I may also suggest he looked for a better paid job too before we had kids.

 

[cobgoblin]

I think you will be expected to give up your horses! I would have a good long chat.

 

[pippixox]

the thing is, even if I had a better paid job, I would then have a child at nursery and the money left once you minus that would still probably barely cover the horses.
Today for the first time in his life (having always said he never ever would) he actually rode my boy!
Everything always boils down to money

 

[FlyingCircus]

the thing is, even if I had a better paid job, I would then have a child at nursery and the money left once you minus that would still probably barely cover the horses.
Today for the first time in his life (having always said he never ever would) he actually rode my boy!
Everything always boils down to money

I also would not be splitting everything 50:50. As soon as a child is bought into the mix, I'd want to split things so it's comparable to your salary. Say your boyfriend earns double what you do, then I'd expect him to put double towards the house/kid.

It all depends how you two decide to make this work. With my own parents, they don't split the money as such, my mum paid for shopping and the kids expenses and my dad paid mortgage, bills, cars etc because he earns more.

 

[oldie48]

When we married we put our money together and paid everything out of one pot. I think I'm lucky because my OH is kind and generous, if I want something and we can afford it, I can have it but the same applies to him, not that he wants very much! However, what many of my younger friends have found is that money is not the main issue when they have children, it's time and they have ended up putting their horses out on loan whilst their children are small because they struggle to find the time to ride. I think it's easy to underestimate how time consuming children can be.

 

[Merlin11]

I waited until my son was independent before I bought a horse. I now don't work and OH is happy to fund them. He rides too though which is maybe the difference. From when we were engaged our money was combined and we just both bought what we needed and what we wanted if we could afford it. At times I have earned more and vice versa. Admittedly my husband doesn't spend much on himself though.

 

[BSL]

To be really honest, horses and very young children... it's not just about the money. Time. Unless you can afford for assisted livery plus, it is really hard work, Do able if you have a partner who does flexible hours or you have someone who can help.But imagine a really rough winter, wet, freezing, a horse that must be seen to, oh and then a young child that has a tummy bug or something. I don't mean to be pessimistic but think long and hard, and as for riding, that may happen very occasionally. As I said do able, but very hard work. Been there, done it..

 

[Red-1]

I was not willing to compromise, so we did not have children.

Its great, Jay has whatever he needs.

Have plenty of time too.

But, of course, I may regret it later on. I guess that is the price you pay!

 

[Tobiano]

I am not 100% qualified to comment as when I had my children I was in the middle of a 25 year break from horses. But a couple of things I would say - first, if you wait until you can 'afford' to have children you will never have them! (so don't wait). And second, you may not believe it now but for many of us our priorities change overnight when that first little pink bundle arrives in our life… and what you see as being unthinkable now may be very different when children arrive.

Children are a blessing and a privilege and not everyone is able to have them - I was always very aware of this and it helped me see that whatever sacrifices I appeared to have to make for mine, I was lucky to have the chance to do so.

Sorry just read that and it sounds v pompous - not meant to be - but i guess the bottom line is don't over think things too much before hand, go with your heart and your destiny will find you. x x

 

[nicelittle]

Hi, maybe you could find a sharer?
I agree with the above poster who said there's never a good time to have children! You just need to go with it and work it out as you go along. It's surprising what you can do if you want something enough.
I have ridden and shared all my life, but when pregnant with my first child I was so ill I had to give up for a while.
In between first and second child I returned to riding and sharing, and rode till 6 months pregnant with no.2, then got back in straight after he was born.
I now own 3 ponies with my sister, we help each other with everything, and my daughter now 13 loves riding too (and my niece), so we all share. It's great. I have had to change my horse dream a bit, in that we gave had to get ponies to suit all of us, but it's been and being a great experience, and magical to have something that brings my daughter close to me while going through the teenage years.

 

[gingerthing]

I have 3 children age 5, 21 months and 5 months. And a cob on DIY. My OH works nights full time. Horses and children are achievable, but it is a case of juggling time. If you really want it then you can and will make it work. Financially if you have concerns then consider a sharer or a change of yard? or buddy up with someone and take it in turns to turnout/bring in etc. myself and my friend are on a yard together and between us we have our own rota, so I only need to go up once a day PM to bring in & feed as she turns out AM.

It's do able, but not always easy. My horse is a good doer, he's unshod, I don't ride every day as its not fair or safe to leave my toddler unattended. I've accepted this and am realistic, don't put too much pressure on yourself. They are only young for a short time.

 

[rowan666]

so if you are expected to sacrafice your career and horses to have children, what will he be giving up? im sorry but it sounds pretty unfair to me and ide personally be questioning weather or not he is the one. My partner hates my horses but understands that if i ever lost my job for any rea
son then he would cover their costs because he knows how much they mean to me.


Having said all that i do agree with those who said "theres never a right time to have a child" and that maybe time away from horses when you have your first may not entirely be a bad thing, a new baby is very overwhelming and time consuming and you may find you wouldnt have the time and energy for horses anyway. Maybe you could put them out on loan rather than sell when the time comes and see how things go?

 

[honetpot]

Small children take a lot of time, I know that stating the obvious but every one that has them ends up being surprised. A horse can live in a field with food and water and provided it has enough of both it will survive.Small children need constant attention, its like that variety trick with the spinning plates, you just think your on track and something starts to wobble that needs your attention straight away. So first of all both of you have to be just as committed to having children, there is no 50/50, no matter how well meaning a partner will be most women end up doing 70/30, plus housework and shopping, and then in their spare time they are expected to have paid employment.
If you really want children I would start looking at jobs with flexibility, find out if you would be able to get family tax credits, you may be better off than working and generally just think about practical stuff.
Your horses will have to fit round your time with a child, there is no way round it unless you have supergran nearby. I had a horse which I kept until I realised I was better off getting a nice pony for my children to ride. So I combined my hobby with child care, my husband had no interest in horses. Perhaps you will be lucky and if you have a son he will take him out so you can sneak down the yard.

 

[JLD]

I know people do but I couldn't - I also found my priorities changed and I started to resent the family time I lost seeing my horse. I also lost my nerve as I knew there was no one to look after the children if anything happened. I was working full time in a well paid job and yet after twins my nursery fees were barely covered by my income. My hours meant I had to have part livery - diy wasn't an option. In the end both the career and the horse went - not sure what happened there as 5 years ago I was the least maternal person I knew ! Life has a habit of surprising you.

 

[madmav]

As all of the above. If you have parents etc prepared to do lots of back-up for you, it is possible to to do horse, children and career. But without that, and without a big pay cheque to cover child care costs, it won't work. You can't be everywhere.
I gave up horses for a long time once I had children, because despite job being a great payer, just did not have enough hours in the day to do it all. Had no useful relatives to help out either.
But it's ok to stop one thing for a while in order to pursue something else. You can always come back to it. I did! Horses that is. Kids are grown up now. So glad I had them.

 

[Ponycarrots]

Think about it, do you REALLY want kids? I've seen couples who've never had kids and I think they look and act so much happier and younger.
If I had to choose between horses and kids I'd definitely pick horses! I want kids don't get me wrong, but I've always said if I don't get to a point in life where me and my OH have enough money And a decent house to raise the kids in, I don't think we should have kids!

 

[noodle_]

Probably not qualified to comment...im selling my horse as i want a house/life etc - i cant afford even a house with a horse - so one has to go [horse]

i couldnt imagine having a horse and a baby.... time as well as money...

there are always horses - no matter how attached we are - my mare means the world to me - but there really is more to life - sorry ...

 

[pinkypug1]

It is do able but u need to adapt and the horse won't come first!! I have 2 kids 4 & 5 months old. I have a well paid job & my OH is wealthy. I had 3 horses but on having kids downsized to one who is on full livery, I couldn't manage kids, keeping house & working full time without my mare being on full livery. I manage to ride 3 x a week as grandparents keep the children of they didn't I wouldn't be able to do it S OH works really long hours. My kids come first and always will and if that mens gicing up horses I will but luckily I can currently mange everything. I have savings accounts set up for my children each month which would buy & pay another horses livery but id rather help set up my kids future than pay for another horse. U really won't undertand things until you have your baby in your arms.

 

[FinkleyAlex]

Try and get the best job that you can with whatever qualifications you have right now. Maybe get rid of one horse and put some savings aside for your first few years of having kids. My OH and I plan to contribute a certain percentage of our respective salaries into a joint account which will pay exclusively for the house and bills etc. He likes to game and I have horses - when we have children I will downgrade to one horse (or put it out on loan for a few years) but I will pay for this myself as its my (expensive) hobby. I've always known I want children and have studied hard for years so I can have a career that will provide me with a relatively solid salary. Definitely also consider if you really want children - they are life-changing in every single way.

 

[Bellablu]

Hi there. It is hard alright but manageable. I have a son and 2 mares. When he was born I only had the one and she lived in a friends yard foc. Prev posters are right though, unfortunately after a child your horse is no longer first priority. I still keep one in my friends and the other is on DIY beside my job so this gives me time to look after her. I don't think you can know how it will work until the time actually comes. I know I was very lucky. Hope it all works out

 

[Spottyappy]

Sorry, but I would not be in a relationship if my OH treated me like that over my horse.
I had horses before we met,and at no point did he suggest I give them up.
Our money has always been separate, his and hers.
When I went on maternity leave, he DID pay for the horses. (I own my yard so no livery bill)
Had he refused, in the discussions prior to having children, I would have probably told him that he was in wrong relationship.
Yes, having horses and children is hard work, and I am obviously not just diy for the horses, but also the maintenence on the yard, but it's the thing I enjoy and kept my sanity when babies can, at times,push you to your limits!
This may not be how you feel, but I think you have some serious talking to do if you really want to keep,your horse too. He maybe just doesn't realise what the horse means to you, and of course he will be worried about the expense- everyone does when you loose or reduce an income.

 

[mytwofriends]

Children are only tiny/ultra time consuming for a few years. When I had mine (now 23, 21 and 19), I wasn't riding much, nor did I feel the need to. Your priorities change, no matter how "un-maternal" you might feel beforehand.

If you want children, do it. There's never a right time - or rather you'll always find an excuse to wait. Seriously, things generally work out. One thing I found, though, is that your children end up being your world, and like I said at the beginning, they're only tiny for an incredibly short time.

Horses will always be around if you want them to be. Your timeframe in which to have children isn't necessarily as flexible.

 

[DirectorFury]

Sorry, but I would not be in a relationship if my OH treated me like that over my horse. (...)

This ^.

Finances should be split relative to earnings (or money pooled, bills paid, and the remainder split 50/50) - if you earned (e.g.) £500/month and your OH earns £2000/month it's not fair for you to pay £400 of that on bills and have £100 left over, whereas he would have £1600 left.

 

[laura_nash]

I was in a similar situation (split everything 50:50 except I paid 100% of horse) but with the significant difference that I earned as much as my partner for less and more flexible hours. This meant that when my daughter came along OH stayed at home with her and I carried on working, one side effect of which was I could carry on paying 100% for the horse.

I think if I had been the one to stop work it would have made things very difficult as the finances definitely got tighter and OH would have resented the spending, especially as I wasn't actually riding him much so he was really a big pet for over a year.

 

[pinkypug1]

Children are only tiny/ultra time consuming for a few years. When I had mine (now 23, 21 and 19), I wasn't riding much, nor did I feel the need to. Your priorities change, no matter how "un-maternal" you might feel beforehand.

If you want children, do it. There's never a right time - or rather you'll always find an excuse to wait. Seriously, things generally work out. One thing I found, though, is that your children end up being your world, and like I said at the beginning, they're only tiny for an incredibly short time.

Horses will always be around if you want them to be. Your timeframe in which to have children isn't necessarily as flexible.

So so true!!

 

[FfionWinnie]

Really your oh needs an attitude adjustment if you are going to have kids with him. Or will they be your kids so he won't need to pay for them either?!

There's no way I will have kids with my partner (we both have some already). However I can guarantee if we did, he would absolutely shoulder the financial responsibility of everything he could to make me happy.

If you have more than one horse maybe you could sell one.

I think I would be thinking long and hard about his attitude tho.

 

[NZJenny]

Very few people have the luxury of being able to have it all. I think you need to think very hard and make some serious "life" decisions.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

I worked f/t before having children. I had several ponies and paid for them myself. I also was "responsible" for the household bills and insurance, all the little bits whilst hubby paid the mortage.

I never intended going back to work f/t, for me I didn't want to have kids then pay someone else to look after them, that was my lifestyle choice. Some of the ponies were sold and when my maternity pay came to an end I found a job working part time in the evenings so hubby took over childcare.

Yes, it has been very hard at times and lack of money a few years ago made things very difficult. I have another job working at my son's school at lunchtimes which helps.

If you wait until you can "afford" children you would probably never have them. Being sensible and working out finances, sitting down with OH and discussing the options is vital.

The first years are hard, relationships alter, time becomes precious and you have to become totally un-selfish as a parent. Having said all that I wouldn't change anything!!!!!

Good luck.

 

[PollyP99]

Personally I think some responses are a little harsh on the OPs OH, imagine having a husband with a hobby costs £400+ per month and you want to have kids but can't afford them, would you just suck it up?

We all know horses are expensive and we have to be flexible, I earn double my Oh and still I feel slight guilt at how much things cost.

For the Op I think you should take stock and prioritise, you may not be able to afford two horses, deal with it if you want kids, you are making this situation, your OH is not!

Personally I would never put myself in a situation where someone has to pick up the bill for my own indulgence because Im not able to, that's just something I've always felt, so if I want to spend a large portion of our joint income in horses I make sure I'm working to cover it.

when we planned children of course that was a joint thing which we covered equally, if having kids meant I couldn't pay for my own personal hobby the. I would have given it up, simple.