how to afford horses & children?

[Crugeran Celt]

I was very lucky that I had oh who thinks I am a happier and easier person to live with when I have horses in my life so he was more than happy to look after our son when I wanted to ride. I took the baby out the stables with me when I mucked out, he would sit in his pram and watch and tgen when he wad older he would toddle around with his own little mucking out tools and was completely contented. He us 16 now and absolutely no interest in horses at all.

 

[pippixox]

thanks for all the input. well put red-1 about all the different camps!
I know we will need to have serious discussion when we want to actually start trying for children.
I don't mind if I barely have time to ride, even if it is just a treat on Sunday & I do know mums who muck out with babies in their car or buggy, which I am prepared to do. I agree with you Crugeran Celt- I am a happier person with horses, just like he is happier having time to mountain bike. Which I think he is beginning to appreciate.
Last year I actually managed to keep a spread sheet of every single cost, and I am doing the same this year as finances are the biggest issue.

 

[Orangehorse]

I am not sure how many hours you work, but can you try to increase your earnings and build up a pot of money.
The good thing about having children when you are young is that you still have the energy to cope with child, household, work and hobby. Leave it too long and something has to give. The baby years very soon pass, you will wonder where they went.

 

[charliecrisps]

No way would I have had my daughter if my oh said he wouldn't pay for my horses! That said he is in a position to do so - is it realistically affordable that your boyfriend can afford them on his wage? Mine we're roughed off during pregnancy and if you could maybe move to a field & keep them out to keep cost low? Also if my OH wants to keep his hobby then I told him he has to keep mine for me too! We shouldn't be the only one to make sacrifices. That included my boyfriend having to go and poo pick when I was laid up during pregnancy much to his disgust. Lol. Also, I told him he must have her two evenings a week and a morning At the weekend freeing up time for me to ride (or whatever)... Why should these men carry on like nothing has changed!!!!?? Your priorities do shift though - Sometimes I prefer to stay in withy baby than go out .. So I do that. But get it all set in stone/ have the 'discussions' with the Boyf about it now: you may be surprised that he would be more amiable than you think about it. If he won't comprise to help you keep your life and hobbies as you want it... Then quite frankly he's one for the bin!!!

 

[cobgoblin]

C

thanks for all the input. well put red-1 about all the different camps!
I know we will need to have serious discussion when we want to actually start trying for children.
I don't mind if I barely have time to ride, even if it is just a treat on Sunday & I do know mums who muck out with babies in their car or buggy, which I am prepared to do. I agree with you Crugeran Celt- I am a happier person with horses, just like he is happier having time to mountain bike. Which I think he is beginning to appreciate.
Last year I actually managed to keep a spread sheet of every single cost, and I am doing the same this year as finances are the biggest issue.

I think you need to have this discussion before you get married. If you are worried enough about this to post on here, then this issue needs clearing up before the big day!

 

[Blanche]

I'm sorry but I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have written what I'm going too.
First off I would get sharers for the horses whatever happens as with children time is always stretched and having someone to help will be a godsend. I do think your other half is being unfair to you . Horses are expensive but they are your hobby. Is he going to give up his hobbies? I would ask him to give up his job and stay home to look after the children , he would of course be expected to give up his hobbies as you are not going to pay for them. Why should you lose your job/career and then your hobby to grow and raise your children and he carry on as normal. It will have to be a compromise for both of you not just one of you . A relationship is a partnership not a dictatorship.

 

[holeymoley]

You're in a tricky situation as you have two horses and seem to work an awful lot of hours for not a lot of money.

I have 1 horse on Diy livery. I work anything from 15 to 35hours per week, and oh has a pretty decent job in public services with a good salary. I agree with who said that your income needs to be split depending on each of your incomes, not 50:50.
We both have our own personal bank accounts, and one joint account. We pay into the joint each month to cover mortgage, bills , food etc . My personal account pays for my horse and car and any other things that aren't a necessity (like clothes shopping!) OHs personal account pays for his car and gym membership etc. Anything that our son needs comes out the joint or our personal accounts and we have gone a few months on very basic dinners etc and no treats as such. We rarely go out anywhere special, but we both enjoy small things like going walks and a trip to McDonald's or things like that!

Sorry meant to add, my mum is retired so thankfully we are in the position that we don't need to pay nursery fees.

 

[9tails]

I'm sorry but I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have written what I'm going too.
First off I would get sharers for the horses whatever happens as with children time is always stretched and having someone to help will be a godsend. I do think your other half is being unfair to you . Horses are expensive but they are your hobby. Is he going to give up his hobbies? I would ask him to give up his job and stay home to look after the children , he would of course be expected to give up his hobbies as you are not going to pay for them. Why should you lose your job/career and then your hobby to grow and raise your children and he carry on as normal. It will have to be a compromise for both of you not just one of you . A relationship is a partnership not a dictatorship.

I was typing a response but it basically said this ^^^

 

[SpringArising]

No way would I have had my daughter if my oh said he wouldn't pay for my horses!

Also if my OH wants to keep his hobby then I told him he has to keep mine for me too!

Do you really expect your boyfriend to pay for your hobbies? Fair enough if he pays for his and you pay for yours, but why do you feel entitled to make your boyfriend pay for something that is for your pleasure? I find that mind-blowing.

 

[9tails]

Do you really expect your boyfriend to pay for your hobbies? Fair enough if he pays for his and you pay for yours, but why do you feel entitled to make your boyfriend pay for something that is for your pleasure? I find that mind-blowing.

Because OP is raising the child/ren and unable to fund a horse out of child benefit.

 

[SpringArising]

Because OP is raising the child/ren and unable to fund a horse out of child benefit.

I'm not talking about the OP. I'm talking about charliecrisps, who said

Also if my OH wants to keep his hobby then I told him he has to keep mine for me too!

 

[pippixox]

I do not expect him to fund absolutely everything- just our living costs and a child will cost a lot of money. When we have spoken about mortgages he has said he knows he would have to pay more, as he earns more (although as he is self- employed a lot goes back into the business, rather than his salary)
I guess really there is basically no clear solution to my issue as I want to be able to work to fund my horses myself, but I am realizing that I cannot earn enough without either free child care (my parents are not near by though) or having no time with my OH and child. sorry I guess really this was a pointless advise seeking post! although very interesting to see everyone's very different views!
but who knows, things change

 

[FairyLights]

all depends. my DH funds everything. I gave up paid work when we had children. Always had a horse but it was kept in the fields at the farm, retired so was minimal cost. bought the kids a shetland when they were triny then a riding horse for me when the youngest was about 10. kids are grown and we have 2 horses now which DH pays for.

 

[gnubee]

This question is not dissimilar to someone in different circumstances asking how do you afford horses. It's about how much money you have in, how much needs to go out, and what you prioritise doing with what's left over.
It realistically doesn't sound like you can afford to do both at present because you have nothing left over each month, and I assume OH doesn't have enough left over to cover your entire salary which appears the minimum requirement to support a lifestyle where you don't work and fund kids as well.

That said, if you finish each month with basically no savings then I would seriously consider if you are living beyond your means - bigger/nicer house than you would choose if living on your own, or other lifestyle choices that cost more and may be driven by your OH based on what you combined can afford rather than what you individually can afford. If you aren't going to pool your finances them you need to ensure that your joint lifestyle is affordable to the lowest income partner. Were you living differently now, it might enable you to build up enough savings to afford horses and kids, both of which are important to you in the long term, and if he is not prepared to make those cuts in his lifestyle too then it would be reasonable to expect him to fund more than half of your living costs now do his lifestyle choices aren't compromising your long term plans. I also think that him saying realistically you as a couple can't afford horses and kids (which is not his fault) is different from him
saying that if you have kids he won't fund your riding with his money. Once you start compromising your current lifestyle/ income/ future earning potential for the benefit of your joint family, your decisions are too interconnected for one partner to maintain their own savings seperate from those of the family IMHO.

 

[Annagain]

Generally, parents bring up a child TOGETHER or at the very least plan to bring up a child TOGETHER. If one of them stays at home to do the bulk of the caring and therefore ceases to 'earn' a living that doesn't mean they should forego everything their salary used to cover while the other continues his/her old lifestyle because (s)he is the one bringing in the money.

Caring for a child is a full time job, albeit an unpaid one. To say "I have control over money because I earn it so you can only have what is necessary and no more, but I'll have what I want," undermines the really important job of raising a child and risks making the partnership incredibly unequal and unfair. If one parent is contibuting his/her time to the family and the other is contributing money the one parent's time is no less valuable than the other's money and deserves some sort of reward/recognition (possibly in the form of being able to pursue a hobby).

For the sake of fairness (and therefore avoiding any brewing resentmant) you have to pool ALL wages from both parties (if, for example one goes back to work part time or if both go back to work), cover the necessities, work out how much is left afterwards and agree how that money is spent. The chances are there will be little left so you both have to make sacrifices.

If you are sharing the child, you also have to share everything else - money, responsibilties, time with the child (both on your own and together) and time (and money) on your own to do your own thing.

 

[Gottaloveaginger]

My husband of two years wants children but moans that he pays all the bills because I dont earn much, but I worry that if we had children who would pay for it? I can just about afford my horse (and pay most towards his as he moans about the cost of that too!) working full time but couldn't work full time with a kid! I know I would end up looking after it (as I look after his horse full time, he only visits it at weekends! God knows why he got her, but thats another story!) so unless he is willing to employ a nanny my solution is not to have any! Luckily I don't want them anyway, quite happy with animals! Sorry, thats not very helpful since you do want them!

 

[MagicMelon]

Thing is if he's refusing to pay for your horses, then he can't have his bikes! It's a two way thing, you're giving up your job etc. to provide him with a child and look after him/her all day every day which is a job in itself. He'll need to be told that "his" money will become your money which you share...

It is much harder when they're self employed. We run a business as well as my OH having a full time job, I work when I can and its very hard to decide what to take out as salary and what to keep putting back into the business!

 

[ycbm]

Thing is if he's refusing to pay for your horses, then he can't have his bikes! It's a two way thing, you're giving up your job etc. to provide him with a child and look after him/her all day every day which is a job in itself. He'll need to be told that "his" money will become your money which you share...

Since when did a bike cost at least a couple of grand a year to keep on the road ?

 

[pippixox]

well he has just admitted that he has spent over £2,000 on a new bike this year (more than I have spent on 2 horses so far!) but yes as a whole bikes can just sit in a room, not needing care twice a day and feeding, other than some oil!

 

[atlantis]

Since when did a bike cost at least a couple of grand a year to keep on the road ?

My oh does time trials and sportives!!! He has 4 bikes (yes 4!!)!! Every day, best bike (sentimental about this one), winter bike and time trial bike!! Oh and his childhood first racing bike so 5!! He is currently on his way back from watching Sir Bradley Wiggens not win his last road race, which wasn't a cheap weekend.

They all cost a pretty penny to buy and he spends money on a coach and entry fees!! If they need parts they aren't cheap and then he sometimes needs to pay to have the parts fitted if he messed it up!! He has also bought me a bike and we have a bike trailer!!

Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge him spending a penny of the money it's his money and he works really really hard!! We don't go on expensive holidays and decide to spend our money on our hobbies and on our 4 year old daughter.

I'm just saying, cycling can be pricey if you want it to be!!! Not as pricy as horses but it can cost. It works for us that we spend our spare money on ourselves. We have a joint account for running the household and we put in enough so that we each have the same amount of spending money each month. It works ok for us.

 

[atlantis]

well he has just admitted that he has spent over £2,000 on a new bike this year (more than I have spent on 2 horses so far!) but yes as a whole bikes can just sit in a room, not needing care twice a day and feeding, other than some oil!

I love it that your bike sits in a room, not a garage lol!!! Like normal people!!!

 

[FairyLights]

Generally, parents bring up a child TOGETHER or at the very least plan to bring up a child TOGETHER. If one of them stays at home to do the bulk of the caring and therefore ceases to 'earn' a living that doesn't mean they should forego everything their salary used to cover while the other continues his/her old lifestyle because (s)he is the one bringing in the money.

Caring for a child is a full time job, albeit an unpaid one. To say "I have control over money because I earn it so you can only have what is necessary and no more, but I'll have what I want," undermines the really important job of raising a child and risks making the partnership incredibly unequal and unfair. If one parent is contibuting his/her time to the family and the other is contributing money the one parent's time is no less valuable than the other's money and deserves some sort of reward/recognition (possibly in the form of being able to pursue a hobby).

For the sake of fairness (and therefore avoiding any brewing resentmant) you have to pool ALL wages from both parties (if, for example one goes back to work part time or if both go back to work), cover the necessities, work out how much is left afterwards and agree how that money is spent. The chances are there will be little left so you both have to make sacrifices.

If you are sharing the child, you also have to share everything else - money, responsibilties, time with the child (both on your own and together) and time (and money) on your own to do your own thing.

Exactly

 

[Shazzababs]

Remember its only going to be hard for a few years. Working in a school means that you won't have a school holiday headache like many of us do, and with the 15 hrs a week kicking in for a 3 yr old you are looking at only finding lots of money for nursery for the period between your maternity leave and their third birthday.

A few things you could consider...

1) Start saving now towards the nursery fees - we did this, although baby took so long to come along, we gave up after 3 yrs and spent it on a trip to Oz, I came back pregnant (oops!).

2) Consider qualifying as a Teacher, they get paid more than classroom assistants.

3) Consider childminding, or some other role that could fit in around your baby. There is a shortage of minders in most areas, and I expect if you have SEN experience (and are happy to mind those children, when others won't) there is probably a massive need for those everywhere.

You also might want to think about backup for looking after the horses, for when the baby is poorly (we spent a few weeks in hospital over his first year), or you haven't slept for 5 days and just can't do any more.

I work full time and my Son is now in reception, he went to nursery full time from 2 1/2, and he loved it. I am the major wage earner, and my husband didn't want to give up his job (although he said he would if we had had a second). It can be done, but prepare to be exhausted and broke!

 

[Sukistokes2]

I appreciate that lots of people don't want or have children I'm just a bit confused as to why they are answering this post?!

Because it's an option........?

 

[pippixox]

I love it that your bike sits in a room, not a garage lol!!! Like normal people!!!

well the bike is worth too much money to be kept in the shed (although his 2nd cheaper bike is in the shed as no more space in the flat!) sadly we have no garage.

I will definitely look into child minding, especially special needs, as I know a lot of mums with special needs children now at school age who struggled to find child care.

When children are school age then yes my 1st job will be perfect & the salary would more than cover horses! But have 4 years before that!

 

[dollymix]

Generally, parents bring up a child TOGETHER or at the very least plan to bring up a child TOGETHER. If one of them stays at home to do the bulk of the caring and therefore ceases to 'earn' a living that doesn't mean they should forego everything their salary used to cover while the other continues his/her old lifestyle because (s)he is the one bringing in the money.

Caring for a child is a full time job, albeit an unpaid one. To say "I have control over money because I earn it so you can only have what is necessary and no more, but I'll have what I want," undermines the really important job of raising a child and risks making the partnership incredibly unequal and unfair. If one parent is contibuting his/her time to the family and the other is contributing money the one parent's time is no less valuable than the other's money and deserves some sort of reward/recognition (possibly in the form of being able to pursue a hobby).

For the sake of fairness (and therefore avoiding any brewing resentmant) you have to pool ALL wages from both parties (if, for example one goes back to work part time or if both go back to work), cover the necessities, work out how much is left afterwards and agree how that money is spent. The chances are there will be little left so you both have to make sacrifices.

If you are sharing the child, you also have to share everything else - money, responsibilties, time with the child (both on your own and together) and time (and money) on your own to do your own thing.

^^ this!

If you 'give up' work to raise a child, it is not just your child, but his too! You lose the income because one of you has to sacrifice their job and earning potential. Being tongue in cheek here, but perhaps tell him he should give up work to be the childminder, and you will continue to work and keep your hobby...but you're not willing to spend a penny on his cycling? Hardly fair is it and I am sure he might argue against that decision!

A marriage is a partnership - not "I earn more, therefore I will buy what I want and if you can't afford your hobby, tough cookie" - this is especially unfair if the only reason you can't afford your hobby is because you've HAD to give up work to raise his child!

If I were you, I would be addressing these sort of issues before getting married. Having children is a big decision... I certainly wouldn't give up my horses and my OH knows that I will never have children unless I KNOW I can afford to keep my horse.

Many people give up horses when they have a family - its a personal choice really. I have friends who have and friends who haven't but the one thing I will say is the friend who did give up horses for 6 years to raise her two boys always tells me she regretted it. She says she didn't feel like herself anymore, only mum. Like part of her identity was gone? Not saying everyone will feel like this - far from it. But you have to consider how giving up your horses will affect you. After all, unlike a bike, we emotionally invest in our hobby. Its easy to sell a bike and buy another down the line when you have the cash....not so easy buying the perfect neddy! Especially if the one you sold was a good un'!

 

[bensababy]

Not sure how much I can add by saying this but all I will say is I am glad my horse was PTS before falling pregnant because there would be no way on earth I could afford him and a baby, not only financially but time wise, now having my little one I have realised how much pressure it puts on you as a couple, and this is with a fully supportive partner, times have been hard but you pull together as a unit. Given the choice of the 2 as much as I loved my pony I would have sacrificed pony over baby.

Luckily the decision was taken out of my hands and I was not put in the position to have to make the choice.