How to be less wet around horses...and in general...?

[catembi]

I've been doing a lot of lying awake pondering lately. It's been all change for me over the past few years - new husband, new house, new horse, new job...t to think about. There are a LOT of issues - my last house's land was flat & sandy; this house is clay & sloping, I don't have a school here (yet), I only have a temp stable block while I'm getting planning, my new horse has kicked me in the face & has been diagnosed with shivers...

Anyway, Summer the new horse has been lame (sent over from Ireland with a big crack in her front foot, etc etc) but is now sound and barefoot, so I took her out for a hack yesterday, accompanied by the fencer (polo player & works with horses) on foot. She felt to me like a pressure cooker all the way round. Jogging. neighing, snatching at the reins, generally being v impatient. I was so relieved to get home alive. But then he said, 'she's being a stroppy madam. I'd take her around again for that.' So I said, 'okay then, YOU take her'. So we swapped & he took her. She was broadly the same, except he wasn't bothered by it, left her mouth alone (I was trying to do that, but she felt as if she was going to **** off with me), & the verdict from him is that he likes her & would hack her all day, & just to bend her right if she's having a strop.

So this morning's ponderings were: should I just give up & get a rocking horse? It also occurred to me that in riding, AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, I try to work around things rather than insisting. E.g. with picking feet up, standing at the mounting block etc. So with feet, I feed to distract & then try to be as quick as possible before the fidgeting starts. Mounting, I would try to get on quickly to avoid making her stand. Stroppiness out hacking - I try to sit there v quietly & hope it blows over. I never actually INSIST that anyone does anything...and wouldn't actually know HOW to. And this translates to work, i.e. my job, that pays for all this 'fun'. If I say we ought to do something, then I get overridden, I just give in. I've found that if I insist, the other person (like the horse...) just gets stroppier, so I will give in anyway, so I might as well give in to start with.

I bought an ID as I wanted jumping performance without too much attitude, but she is very strong & opinionated with no ground manners. She has had a lot of change - over from Ireland, 6 weeks at a busy comp centre, then here, introduced to Shetland friend, new New Forest pony, moved from field to field as the fencing gets underway, new stable block, various ver investigations so she's entitled to feel unsettled. But...it's supposed to be fun, and everything feels like such an uphill struggle. And it's just me here on my own. O/h is non horsey and doesn't like them.

Aaarrrrggghhh, how to be less wet? Or should I just give up on my aspirations and get something that barely has a pulse for a once a week hack? Sorry, pointless post, but better out than in & all that...

 

[Michen]

I think you’ve had an absolutely rotten time, and are bound to be feeling negative and vulnerable. Probably none of these things with Summer in isolation would have been an issue, and it would have been an annoyance that you would have tackled. Now it’s all combined and it’s making you question every aspect of life and feel generally negative, which is totally understandable and just makes you human.

Personally I would view this as a current state of mind/mood and know that it will pass, things will improve. Like I did when buying Boggle from Ireland unseen, you took a risk with Summer. I also had a horrendous time with him with lameness, behaviour and just everything about him. So much money, time and effort and I have to say at times I really disliked him intensely and even worse resented him. It’s paid off because now I have the most wonderful horse and I have no doubt that Summer will be an absolute diamond too- remind yourself of what you liked about her so much on the video and know that she’s still that Horse just a bit ruffled with some things to work through.

I can bet that this time in a year you’ll be posting about what a super mare she is, how happy you are for working through all of the various blips, and will be out doing with her what you bought her for.

On another note, as a young person in a senior role, I have constantly had to prove my worth and ensure I am tougher than tough to avoid being trampled on by colleagues. It’s had both negative and positive impacts in personal/Horse life. I have overly high expectations, expect short time frames, think things should always be done correct first time with little room for error. There have been times I’ve really messed up with Boggle because I’ve had a linear view of how things should be done in life. I’ve learned a huge amount from him and it’s made me more realistic and mellow at work too. I don’t think you should view how you are at work as a negative, in fact there will be plenty of situations with Summer where it’ll be completely the right approach to have. Others where perhaps it won’t, maybe she will end up as a great tool for personal development as well as her own ��.

I know I’ve learned more from my horse than any amount of business coaching/training that’s for sure!

 

[BlackRider]

Firstly ((HUGS)) you've had a rough time recently with Summer, taking on a new horse is always hard - I lost my wonderful Apache 12 months ago, and after 17 years with him, I'd forgotten how long it takes to build up a relationship and understand each other.

Just give yourself some time, and you will get used to each other, I'm a great believer in picking my battles, and picking those I think I can win.

You have been doing brilliantly with Summer - I've followed your posts from the start, and I am sure you will work through this.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

firstly, I dont think you are being wet. along with a lot of change and stuff to think about with house moving (you had several fall through I think? soo stressful, a thesis to produce-also stressful) you've just had a nasty accident which you don't remember-it would be enough to shake anyone up frankly. you also didn't end up with the horse you thought you were getting-not your fault, not her fault but it is what it is. I also know what its like to be by yourself with a horse you just can't click with.

Get help. even if its your fencer guy hacking her out as often as possible. she's had an awful lot of change and would probably be better off in a strong work routine. you're probably going to need a freelancer at some point anyway so try and find one who will also exercise. If after a period of time she's still not what you want, get someone to take her hunting and sell her. I am all for giving horses a fair go but as you said, it has t be fun and it was a massive relief to move on the horse I had and buy something that seems to actually like me lol.

as for work, I see it as playing a game. I do as much of the game playing as I need to to actually get my work done which is the good bit. I also always cover my back-I had an epic incident of bropropriation happen to me last week but luckily I had mentioned my idea to those who mattered first. It's tiresome and shouldnt happen but when I leave work I dont think about it at all (mostly!). set boundaries that are acceptable to you and stick to them.

 

[Wheels]

Echoing the others here that you've had a tough time of things. You have said yourself that you have had a lot of changes (although they sound like good changes but change still!) and summer has also had a lot of change, very unsettling.

When M arrived he was not too happy about hacking, whinnying and tense all the way around the hack - that was purely down to being unsettled and within a couple of months he was hacking out very nicely and calmly, it just takes a little time and the right mindset. I would agree with above that if you are not in that mindset then ask your fencer person to take her out a few times a week for a month and I'm sure all will be grand.

Whilst you don't have a school then it is a perfect time to work on the other things that are bothering you, mounting issues can be resolved very quickly with clicker training or similar reward based methods.

In terms of work, it totally depends on how your HR system works, and your management systems. If you're struggling with a staff member have you highlighted with your manager or HR?

 

[Red-1]

Wow, if she is sound already then the foot is not an issue. It will soon be grown out.


As far as the behaviour, I have a new ID X, younger than yours but has done a bit, and if she had been off, had a house move and is with a new owner, then I would not expect her to be relaxed in her new hacking area first time either (especially if not worked in the school first just to get her moving, warm and settled).


I do think that you need to give yourself a break. In your position I would either turn away until you have the stables and an arena, or send to a competent yard to have her hacked, competed and progressed. I don't think either option is better than the other.


As far as the other things go, yes, I do think that it is important not to skip over things such as foot picking or mounting. With the feeding to do feet, firstly a food proud horse can be a danger, so I would not choose to fiddle with the back feet when they are eating in case they thought I was challenging their food source. Secondly, with any horse, but especially a young horse, I need them to be aware of where I am and what I am doing when around them, especially the back end - not engrossed in their own matters of eating. It is about them focusing on you.


With mounting, my new horse was good enough, as in she was OK if either you were quick or someone was holding her, but the first time I rode it was all about the mounting, so much so that all I did was mount a couple of times, but it took over half an hour doing it in increments. There are so many lessons in mounting such as the horse leading, standing, moving over, bracing the body ready for weight, being patient, and they all take time to train in. When you slow it all down and be in the moment then even me mounting 2 or three times in half an hour was a wonderous experience for us both.


I highly recommend lessons with Andrew and Manuela McLean as they are so step by step as in make sure the responses are trained in on the ground before mounting, including the standing, the reversing, the softness to the bridle, even moving the back end towards you. Manuela is in England this week, she is not often here. In fact I am sad as I was taking my horse there for 2 lessons, but I am now unexpectedly not able to go. I went with the Jay Man and just 2 lessons was transformational and has shaped everything I have done since. In fact, I may go onto the regional board and sell my places :-( It is quite a distance from you, but I bet there could be an option for livery. In fact, the place where the clinic is held is run by a barefoot person with a track system (and competes barefoot BE), who also teaches/ trains/ backs/ breaks, so many options there despite the distance.


Since those lessons with the McLeans I realised that I don't have to be scared, and usually if I am scared then there is in fact an aspect of the training that needs attending to. I have learned to step back and see the hole in the training and attend to it. So much of what we perceive as "bad behaviour" is in fact because the horse is not focused on us, and does not follow forward and restraining aids with understanding and relaxation.

 

[DabDab]

You don't sound wet at all - just a bit overwhelmed, which frankly I would be too in your situation.

Just work through things bit by bit and try to find alternative arrangements/approaches that take the pressure off where possible. Someone to hack summer a couple of times a week sounds like a great idea.

Last winter was my first full winter in this house with my horses at home and when the fields were a muddy mess, the barn roof was caving in from the snow, every tap was frozen solid, pssm horse was tying up from cold and lack of decent work and the the 3yo was going off her rocker not matter what I did with her, I more than once ranted about how I was going to give it all up as I clearly couldn't even make a decent job of caring for a goldfish.....you do have to have some serious "it will pass" moments with yourself sometimes

 

[Bernster]

Can’t add anything useful to what’s been said already as some great advice here. Wanted to say you’ve had a tough time, don’t be too hard on yourself, and make sure you,find time to do stuff that makes you feel happy or content, whatever that may be!

 

[Sussexbythesea]

Some really good advice on here. If it’s any consolation I bought a horse 5 weeks ago and although he’s done nothing particularly wrong really I’m still being rather wet myself.

Farrier is sorting foot issue. His movement causes his fronts to slip. So we’ve changed tack on type of shoe used. 3 out if 4 have deep central sulcus I’m working on to keep thrush at bay. I’m paranoid despite a 5 stage pass he’s got some issue that will eventually come out.

I had to get someone to help me mount each time as he wouldn’t stand at mounting block. Now he’s great but I think saddle is now bothering him as he’s put on weight - saddler booked next Friday.

Took him in school for first time in-hand to walk him around and start a little straightness training and he pulled away and effed off around the arena having a jolly old time. Tried the same move again with lunging but I had a longer rope and he was in a bridle. Did some work with a friend to stop him doing that. That’s worked so he doesn’t pull away but then he tries to pee off cantering and bucking on lunge so we had a session where he wasn’t allowed to stop cantering for ages until I said he could. He’s been a lamb on the lunge since

He’s a lot spookier than I’d hoped riding wise and I’m being rather wimpy. My old boy was / is much worse but of course I was younger and now I know his repertoire and how far he goes. New Horse is still a total unknown. First hack alone didn’t go all that well. Without the help of friends at the Yard I’d be really struggling. I managed to give myself the stress of a new rescue dog at the same time who’s not been easy but improving quickly.

I think it’s really really hard to do this on your own and if you can I’d go back to livery where you can get help and support until you’re confident again and you’ve ironed out a lot of issues before bringing her home again.

 

[catembi]

Thank you for all the advice and shared experiences. Yes I don’t feel fit to be in charge of a goldfish at present! And everything I do seems to make it worse! E.g. hacking was accompanied by Shetland screaming ALL through the hack. So I got a new forest as a companion thinking it might keep her quiet. But no, now we hack to the noise of TWO screaming ponies, and Summer doesn’t want to leave her ‘herd’. **sighs**

Oh well, at least it’s not just me who sometimes feels hopelessly out of their depth...!

 

[Broodle]

I have been where you are, many many times, and the thing that picks me up and puts that fire back in my belly is lessons, and lots of them.

In your shoes I would find a trainer you trust and put yourself in their hands. Soon enough your confidence and mojo will return. And if it doesn't, then perhaps you and summer are not the right combination.

Secondly, I'd look for hacking companions. A good gossip on a ride does wonders for keeping your mind off the what ifs.

You are not wet, you are normal x

 

[Woah]

Catembi You sound very full of self blame for everything not quite right in your life at the moment. Try to re-read your post as if you are reading someone else's post which may help you to see it in a more rational way, and understand that you are NOT useless or 'wet' as you describe yourself. It is of no use putting yourself down in such a way when in actual fact you have undertaken many huge changes in a relatively short space of time which is commendable in itself, as you obviously have already faced and overcome many obstacles just to get those changes of home/job/husband in place. I believe you'd benefit from practicing some positive cognitive thinking (there are many great books on market these days for this), to understand why you feel such negative emotions, as it is these negative emotions (the way you react and respond to the difficulties you face)which are pulling you down.
You have obviously had so many changes in your life recently, so it's time to give yourself a break, realise your self worth and move forward with a more positive mindset. Take for example your horse not standing for you at the mounting block - Instead of thinking I can't, so avoiding the perceived difficulty by getting on her quickly instead, write it down as a goal to work towards (no longer consider it as simply a 'difficulty'- it may be hard but CAN be overcome). Write down all the steps /improvements made towards it however small e.g. Today it took 5 minutes of my time and patience before she would listen and stand calmly and this was an improvement on the 10 minutes she took last time). Do not write anything negative, ONLY the positives; in this way you focus your energies in a constructive way. It's amazing when you look back on these comments how far you realise you have come and commending yourself, instead of focusing too much on how far you have to go and the obstacles you have yet to face or overcome. All the best.

 

[Clodagh]

Oh well, at least it’s not just me who sometimes feels hopelessly out of their depth...!

Do you know, I think we all do sometimes. Anyone that doesn't is just better at pretending.
Take magnesium (I swear by it for everything! I put my OH on it this year and he managed his first ever harvest without stressing himself to exhaustion), also give some to Summer, get someone to hack her out for you and improve your assertiveness generally. Blag it, everyone else is! You are embarking on a new phase and in a few years will look back and sigh over now. x

 

[catembi]

Oh thank you! I did actually do a FB post in a local group and had a few offers of hacking companions, then she went lame again (big crack in foot...sold to me like it), then she kicked me in the face (it turns out that she has shivers) and I’ve been off work for 2 weeks with concussion, so everything has rather slipped. I will get back on it right now. 😄

 

[Woah]

By the way I should have added that you have already acted in a positive way by reaching out to others on this forum. And look at all the replies you have had affirming that what you have said about yourself is not the way others perceive you. So it cannot be true!

 

[catembi]

I might actually restart my blog and write about it. I think there are quite a few ladies in the position I’m in where the blithe confidence of youth/ignorance has worn off and the years of the inevitable setbacks that come with horses start to mount up.

I am pleased and surprised that replies have been supportive and not censorious. Someone on FB said that I should reconsider whether horse ownership is right for me. I will see if the fencer fancies accompanying me on a longer hack. I don’t think he minds being paid to play horses! 😄

 

[Haniki]

Catembi, you're not 'wet' just human.
We are all supportive of you because many of us have been in similar situations to you.
Moving house, divorce, job changes are all life changing events. Be kind to yourself and as 'Woah' suggests go with the positives.
My horses are at home and it is easy to feel isolated unless you make an effort to meet up with others.
Is there a friendly local riding club you could join?
I hope you feel better soon, both physically and mentally. Good luck with everything. xx

 

[Woah]

That sounds like a good plan to start with Catembi ^.

 

[Remi'sMum]

Some great advice given and I’ve nothing really to add other than moral support. You’re not wet, you’re a normal human being and self doubt creeps in sometimes especially when there’s lots of other changes/upheavals going on. Take a minute to congratulate yourself on all the things you’ve achieved, maybe make a list of things you want to improve, and ideas for how to accomplish those. I think you’re doing great.

** now creeps off to take a hefty dose of own advice ** (as we all know it’s easier to administer than to actually do it 🙄 )

 

[cavalo branco]

You've already had lots of good advice, I just wanted to say that "things will improve" for sure. You need hacking buddies, horsey neighbours and a sympathetic instructor.
6 years ago we moved to our own land in a new area with a new 5 year old RID and my old boy. It wasn't all plain sailing but I found lots of support which made all the difference. I also joined the local riding club.
Give yourself time, you are certainly not wet though!

 

[Rowreach]

I might actually restart my blog and write about it. I think there are quite a few ladies in the position I’m in where the blithe confidence of youth/ignorance has worn off and the years of the inevitable setbacks that come with horses start to mount up.

I am pleased and surprised that replies have been supportive and not censorious. Someone on FB said that I should reconsider whether horse ownership is right for me. I will see if the fencer fancies accompanying me on a longer hack. I don’t think he minds being paid to play horses! ��

It's because you are not alone in reaching this point. I did the same, divorce, house move, lost my wonderful mare all at the same time. I wasn't going to get another horse but I did, and he wasn't the right one for me. When I came off him in January and got badly injured, that was it for me, and he was sold within 5 days. I haven't got another one (well tbh I still wouldn't be able to ride as I haven't mended very well, so there's not much point) and while I'd never say never, I am quite content to be horseless for now. You on the other hand want to ride. Everything seems to be going not quite right for you at the moment, but if you are determined to find a way through, then you will. And if you still feel in a few months' time that it's not quite right, then that is the time to rethink.

 

[Mule]

I also think you're being too hard on yourself. You've had a very stressful time recently.

One thing I would say is to stay away from those bloody hind feet unless absolutely necessary. I know you'll have to have them trimmed but I wouldn't go near them other than that unless you have to. No preventative hoof care! Your safety is the most important thing. Also remember to get yourself a helmet with face protection.

I think you've done great. You've had a lot to deal with.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

As others have said, you are fully entitled to feel a bit wobbly atm - you've just been kicked in the face and that bl00dy hurts! No-one, even the bravest, most foolhardy teenager, would fancy that happening twice. I can't see that you need to do much yourself with Summer for now, either turn her away to get her own head together after everything that has happened in her life recently, or ask your horsey fencer to keep her ticking over until you are completely healed and feeling more positive. And I mean 'ticking over' - you don't want her to be much fitter than you when you are ready to start riding her again. As part of your rehab, I suggest that you have some sessions on a mechanical horse, to start getting your muscles back into form and then some schoolmaster lessons to build on that. That will help to build your confidence as well as your riding muscles.

As for work matters; teams need members who all have different strengths and ways of working, the only time you really need to assert yourself, is if you are being held accountable for what is being achieved. If that is not your role, there is no point in forcing your pov onto colleagues. Otoh, if your role is to lead the team, then get into the habit of stating 'on this occasion, we must do it my way, as I am the one who has to justify our results and I think this way is best'. If colleagues start to argue, just re-state your position.

 

[ester]

ermm you've just had a big move too and have a headache . Cut yourself some slack about what should and shouldn't be happening, it wouldn't be wrong to decide you just do ground work for a while for instance.

Oh and listen to Michen, she now messages me hardly at all about how it's all going wrong, he's lame, his feet are all going to fall off, he's trashing the lorry or he's going to trash himself in the lorry etc etc ... ( )

oh and I did think this was going to be about waterproofs..

 

[oldie48]

Oh thank you! I did actually do a FB post in a local group and had a few offers of hacking companions, then she went lame again (big crack in foot...sold to me like it), then she kicked me in the face (it turns out that she has shivers) and I’ve been off work for 2 weeks with concussion, so everything has rather slipped. I will get back on it right now. ��

Goodness, you are entitled to be a bit wet, give yourself a break, most of us would feel a bit wobbly after that without all the other changes going on in your life. The old TB, whom I lost last year aged 28 was a bit of a nightmare to begin with. I had him on a weeks trial and he didn't put a foot wrong, as soon as I'd paid for him things went downhill. He wouldn't tie up, he wouldn't load and he'd pick a spot in the school to spook at and had me off several times. I took him XC schooling and I jumped a fence which he didn't, putting me in hospital and off work and riding for several weeks and he started napping. I had to dig deep to get back riding him and then he went lame. I secretly hoped that he'd stay lame as tbh I was a bit scared of him but he came sound and we went on to become firm friends and partners and one by one we sorted the problems. When he got older and couldn't do the level of work I bought another horse to compete but getting back on the old TB was always like putting a comfortable pair of shoes on, we just fitted.It's early days in your relationship, give the mare and yourself time to get to know each other. Good luck and a definite yes to getting in professional help when needed, even if it's just to boost your confidence and put the mare "back in her box"

 

[hobo]

My advice would be SLOW DOWN. You have and your animals have had so many changes you all need time. You have a high powered job and it is coming to winter so why not take a break from trying to ride. Spend any free time getting to know Summer and your other members of the horse herd. Get your place sorted arena ect. Next spring find a place to send her where you can ride her and break the bonding of being with her friends all winter and I am sure things will be a whole lot better.

Maybe ride at a school a few times to keep your riding mojo through the winter. Also if Summer does not turn out to be right for you, how about the NF? A lesson I watch once when the instructor set up a massive course and asked someone to go first all the girls on their 17hh horses wimped out till the lady on the NF went first and jumped like a stag.

 

[SEL]

You can tell the kind of day I've had when I come on this thread hoping for advice on a decent set of waterproofs.....

Hugs Catembi xx

 

[SusieT]

In all fairness, you bought a young horse unseen from Ireland - this is all behaviour you should expect. You obviously felt you could deal with it before you bought her - so I would quash the post sale jitters (many of us get them) and crack on (or return her if you dont want a shiverer - she is from a dealer so legally you should have rigths re this)
6 weeks is nothing for a young horse. hack her everyday and it will improve.

 

[Smitty]

So what clothing are you recommending to keep dry - that's what I came here for

Will pm you as had a horse from same dealer but stick with it if you can, it's very early days.

 

[catembi]

Haha, progress update! I asked the fencer if he could come with me and I have *never* wanted to hack less! But got on with it, and she was a lot less stressed than yesterday. Less neighing and piaffing and nowhere near as bolshy. Had a nice canter and she was pretty much on the buckle most of the way. We only swapped as we got slightly lost, went further than intended and I didn’t think it was fair to make him walk any further in his wellies. I now feel *amazing*. I have also picked her front feet out twice and managed to catch and stroke my slightly feral New Forest. She is a chunky monkey and would easily take my weight and then some.

Now then, how to stay feeling amazing at work tomorrow...?

Thank you for all the support and ideas...very sincerely appreciated 😄😄