How to deal with people who change their mind, go back on stuff.

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Sandstone1

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I've a friend who , while lovely kind and generous is driving me nuts at the moment!
I've known her for many years. She's always been a little bit like this but just lately seems to have got much worse.

She will make arrangements ie to ride, or meet up or go somewhere and then at the last minute will go back on it and cancel.
She will also ask me to arrange things ie appointments with people such as saddle fitter etc and then change her mind making me look bad with who ever the appointment is with.
While I love her to bits it's driving me mad and its starting to cause a bit of bad feeling on my part.
Any suggestions?
 
I don't know but I think people in general are becoming more casual and less loyal and rarely mean what they say. I wouldn't be making her any appointmentson her behalf nor would I make any arrangements with her unless they are casual and you are not relying on her.
 
I just stop inviting/including/offering. I have had this happen in the past and then when they ask me to include them in things I just politely say "I will go ahead and arrange my own appointment/lesson/session as the last few times we organised one together you were unable to make it, so if you arrange your own you'll have more flexibility to cancel or rearrange" and leave it at that.
 
I've already made up my mind not to make any appointments on her behalf after a recent incident which really annoyed me!

It's got to the stage now when I feel can't believe her when we arrange anything.
 
People are people. Don't make any arrangements with or for her. Shrug your shoulders and move on. She has other priorities in her life and that is just fine.
 
Shay said:
People are people. Don't make any arrangements with or for her. Shrug your shoulders and move on. She has other priorities in her life and that is just fine.
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That's fine in theory, but it's not so easy in practice. We keep our horses together so it's difficult.
 
Plan things to suit you on the expectation she will let you down!
Don't arrange any appointments on her behalf, give her the number and let her sort herself out!
 
ihatework said:
Plan things to suit you on the expectation she will let you down!
Don't arrange any appointments on her behalf, give her the number and let her sort herself out!
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That's they way I'm going to have to deal with it I think. It's sad not being able to believe her but sadly it's happening to often now.
I'm getting to the point of thinking of moving my horses because of it.
 
Well if she asks to be included in something like saddle fitter etc, ask her if she is sure as the fitter has said there will be a cancellation fee of x? and only make arrangements if you don't mind if she cancels..
 
Don't arrange to ride out with her. Just say'I'm hacking at 9 on Sunday' for example 'if you are there and ready, you are welcome to come with me.' Then just go.
 
She's flaky. I can't stand flaky people. She's not lovely and kind at all; she is disrespectful, inconsiderate and self centred. She just has good 'social skills' to get away with it and deceive you into thinking she's a nice person. She isn't.
 
I really don't think she realises how annoying it is. I hate letting people down or going back on arrangements.
I'm very much starting to go my own way now but as we keep our horses together it's not so easy.
I'm thinking of moving, which would mean I'd be worse of financially but at least I'd be able to please myself more.
 
Shay said:
People are people. Don't make any arrangements with or for her. Shrug your shoulders and move on. She has other priorities in her life and that is just fine.
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This is my advise as well.

selinas spirit said:
That's fine in theory, but it's not so easy in practice. We keep our horses together so it's difficult.
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It is that easy trust me. You just need to start doing it.
 
Wagtail said:
She's flaky. I can't stand flaky people. She's not lovely and kind at all; she is disrespectful, inconsiderate and self centred. She just has good 'social skills' to get away with it and deceive you into thinking she's a nice person. She isn't.
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I agree - obviously your time and energy is worth so much less than hers...
 
She's a taker and you're a giver. I would keep your distance from her best you can, still be pleasant but stay 100% independent from her, otherwise you will keep feeling let down by her.
 
Flakey types aka selfish eejits are not good friend material.

Why, though, are you thinking of moving your horses because of her behaviour? Can't you stay where you are (assume it's suitable in other respects) and just keep your distance from her?
 
selinas spirit said:
I really don't think she realises how annoying it is. I hate letting people down or going back on arrangements.
I'm very much starting to go my own way now but as we keep our horses together it's not so easy.
I'm thinking of moving, which would mean I'd be worse of financially but at least I'd be able to please myself more.
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I really don't understand this! Why do you have to move in order to stop making arrangements with her? Just stop telling her in advance about appointments with vet/saddler/farrier etc and if you still enjoy riding with her, choose a time which suits you, let her know your intention and be prepared to hack on your own if necessary. Or of course, you could start making area cements with her and then letting her down, give her a taste of her own medicine! She might get the message then. But there's no need to move
 
I honestly don't think she means it in a horrible way. She just doesn't see how annoying it can be.
She is very good in a lot of ways but you can almost guarantee that whatever she arranges she will end up doing the opposite.
I've made up my mind not to make any appointments including her anymore.
 
i suppose to me it would depend on how well you know her and her reason for letting you down. if its just a case that she gets a better offer, cant be bothered, forgets then i agree with all the above she may not have a lot of respect for you or your friendship. however you say shes being particularly bad at the moment, maybe there is other stuff going on that you are not aware of that is causing her to let you down. have you actually told her how much it annoys/upsets you and asked her why it keeps happening ? some people are just selfish but sometimes there is more to it and if its otherwise a good friendship it may be worth confronting it.
 
I have a friend just like this. Much as I like her, my time is too valuable to be wasted, so I make my plans in such a way as they happen with or without her.

I also plan in a 20 minute 'lag', as when she turns up, it is always 20 minutes after the agreed time. *sigh*
 
Have you tried asking her why she is so flakey? I know people with bad anxiety or depression who plan to do things with great intentions but the morning comes and they are overcome with anxiety and can't face it, even if it's just a ride with their best friend or being there for the farrier, I've seen people on here with the same thing. On the outside they look 'normal' and happy and you'd never think it. Just a thought but I'd just speak to her honestly rather than letting the anger build til I wanted to move.
 
ihatework said:
Plan things to suit you on the expectation she will let you down!
Don't arrange any appointments on her behalf, give her the number and let her sort herself out!
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Exactly this! Now I just tell people on the yard that I've booked X on this date and here's the phone number if they want to join in.

Also learnt ages ago, after being burnt twice, not to buy in goods like hay for other people after having to hassle them for the money.
 
Oh I can't stand flaky people. However, as others have suggested there might be more to this than it initially seems. If she is a good friend I would suggest perhaps talking to her, there might be a reason for it. If it turns out that she is just flaky and a bit crap then I would not make your plans around her and just leave her to it. Don't move yards either because of this, especially if it's going to cost you more and your set up at the moment, bar the flaky friend, is ideal for you and your horse/s.
 
KatPT said:
Have you tried asking her why she is so flakey? I know people with bad anxiety or depression who plan to do things with great intentions but the morning comes and they are overcome with anxiety and can't face it, even if it's just a ride with their best friend or being there for the farrier, I've seen people on here with the same thing. On the outside they look 'normal' and happy and you'd never think it. Just a thought but I'd just speak to her honestly rather than letting the anger build til I wanted to move.
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I think you could have a point with this. She is always full of good intentions, but so often the things she's says just don't happen for whatever reason.
I think a lot of it is a lack of self confidence.
She's also really influenced by other people and will often change her mind about doing something because of a comment made by someone else.
I'm very much a black and white person and always try to stick to what I've arranged.Maybe this is why it's so annoying.
I'm going to go my own way from now on.
 
I have a relative like this, her mother was the same, as soon as you make an arrangement to do something she thinks of some reason why it has to be changed. I don't bother now, I look after my own appointments & she can make her own. She always changes the time of her riding lesson & it's getting to a point where her instructor & her will part company as he's fed up with it as well. :(
 
I'll admit I'm like this. Not sure why but I tend to get anxious if I have to do something I don't want to at the time. Often I just forget I've something else booked.
 
equi said:
I'll admit I'm like this. Not sure why but I tend to get anxious if I have to do something I don't want to at the time. Often I just forget I've something else booked.
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Me too. I'm fine once I'm there but I get so anxious I really have to force myself to go out the front door sometimes and I will always think of ways out of even the most simple situations although these days I am able to force myself to go. When I'm feeling down though its so much harder. Perhaps your friend has problems with anxiety or depression?
 
Wagtail said:
She's flaky. I can't stand flaky people. She's not lovely and kind at all; she is disrespectful, inconsiderate and self centred. She just has good 'social skills' to get away with it and deceive you into thinking she's a nice person. She isn't.
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Wat Wagtail said!
 
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