How to deal with people who change their mind, go back on stuff.

[TheOldTrout]

Have you tried asking her why she is so flakey? I know people with bad anxiety or depression who plan to do things with great intentions but the morning comes and they are overcome with anxiety and can't face it, even if it's just a ride with their best friend or being there for the farrier, I've seen people on here with the same thing. On the outside they look 'normal' and happy and you'd never think it. Just a thought but I'd just speak to her honestly rather than letting the anger build til I wanted to move.

That's what I thought - she might have some psychological problem that prevents her fulfilling her side of your arrangement. If she arranges a farrier or saddler appointment herself, does she keep it? Does she only back out of those she's asked you to arrange?

 

[Sandstone1]

That's what I thought - she might have some psychological problem that prevents her fulfilling her side of your arrangement. If she arranges a farrier or saddler appointment herself, does she keep it? Does she only back out of those she's asked you to arrange?

No, she will also often change arrangements she's made.

 

[Equi]

I change things all the time things I've made and things others have made. I'll stick to something important but for some reason I just always question it.

I'm just nuts though it's not a new thing.

 

[Sandstone1]

I guess we are all different. Whatever the reason for it, it's very annoying!
I like to know where I stand and its getting me down at the moment.
I will be making my own appointments from now on.

 

[Wagtail]

All the people saying it may be depression, anxiety etc. That does not explain flaky behaviour. Most people with anxiety would hate to let others down. It would cause them more anxiety! A person with anxiety would make excuses, not just not turn up, because letting people down and just not turning up is rude and inconsiderate and that is the last thing a person with anxiety wants. Flaky behaviour is inconsiderate, self important, self absorbed and rude. Of course it is possible to be all of those things and still have anxiety and depression, but this does not make you a nice person. Bad people suffer these things too.

 

[Snuffles]

I thought it was a horsey people thing ! all the times Ive arranged to ride with someone and they havent turned up, got hay delivered for someone and ended up stacking it and paying for it. The crunch came for me when a friend found a new private yard just for her and me, we moved in, and 3 weeks later she decided she was moving areas, so I ended up there alone ! I do my own thing now

 

[Annagain]

Just to be on the safe side.... Is there any possibility that there's someone at home who prevents her doing things? I had a friend who would make arrangements and really wanted to do things but her elderly mother was incredibly controlling (she had mental health issues due to a form of dementia) and would feign illness, threaten to do herself in if she was left alone or simply just throw a tantrum if my friend was going out for more than about half an hour. She'd make arrangements a few days or weeks in advance, tell her mum and it would all be fine and then her mum would forget about it and kick off as she was getting ready to go out. Lots of people gave up on her and it then hit her really hard when her mum died as she had no one to turn to.

 

[Pocketr@cket]

I would make your own plans as it can be really frustrating to have someone else affect what you do/don't do. I have found my horse is better when just the two of us and our progress in the school has come on leaps since just getting on and doing my own thing.

You can always offer the details of plans such as saddler/farrier and allow her to make her own plans direct with them, then if she chooses to change it doesn't reflect on you.

 

[Merrymoles]

I think some people are being very kind in thinking of reasons why your friend might let you down but, in circumstances where it was to do with my horse, I would definitely share any difficulties with my, admittedly very understanding, fieldmate as part of what we do is baling each other out if the need arises. That way, you would know she couldn't help it and wasn't being selfish for the sake of it.

It would drive me mad and I would definitely not be making any arrangements until she sorted herself out. Telling her that might be the prompt she needs if she genuinely has got problems of some sort.

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

Personally my first port of call would be to tell your friend what you've told us. She might be selfish, not giving it a second thought or there may be other stuff going on. You won't know til you've asked x

 

[DragonSlayer]

Don't arrange to ride out with her. Just say'I'm hacking at 9 on Sunday' for example 'if you are there and ready, you are welcome to come with me.' Then just go.

I have some friends at a local livery yard who when they say a time, e.g. 10 am, they say bums in seats at 10....

Love it! Avoids people rocking up at ten, and making everyone wait 40 minutes to catch horse etc.

 

[Sandstone1]

Personally my first port of call would be to tell your friend what you've told us. She might be selfish, not giving it a second thought or there may be other stuff going on. You won't know til you've asked x

I have let her know how annoyed I was recently when she pulled out of a long standing arrangement which she had asked me to make.
She didn't really see why I was so peed off.
I guess it's just how she is.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

Think OP you need to take the initiative and be less passive TBH. For example, if it is an appointment with the saddle fitter, you could say words to the effect that "OK so as you had to pull out last time, YOU make the appointment and liaise with the saddle fitter direct, then if you have to re-schedule the time then there won't be any embarrasment".

Or if riding at a certain time: say "OK so I'll be all ready tacked up and ready to leave by 10.00 am on the dot; if you're not there I shall go ahead without you as I have other commitments that day and can't hang about".

If you value the friendship, and you want to go on keeping your horse with hers, then this is the way you will have to go. If she's being wooly about things, and messing you around, there has to be one of you that is organised, so let it be you!

You don't say how old your friend is?? Maybe there is a reason for her behaviour at the moment? The thing that occurs to me is whether she's started a new relationship? A new job perhaps? Something significant in her life has changed?? If you and she are buddies, it may be that you can get her to confide in you.......

 

[MuddyMonster]

I would honestly just make your own plans - it's what I do & far easier.

I've been both sides & in the end, independance is much easier & worth loosing the reduced £5 here or there you might save for two on appointments.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

I change things all the time things I've made and things others have made. I'll stick to something important but for some reason I just always question it.

I'm just nuts though it's not a new thing.

See, this is what really gets me about flakey behaviour. Read your post back to yourself equi, you've just admitted that the people/events you flake out on are ones you don't consider to be important.

Bottom line is flakey people are just selfish and think its ok to treat people they don't value badly. It's not ok, flakey people, and all your excuses suck.

 

[Toffee44]

Maybe just maybe there is something beyond her control.

I had a friend like this. Agreed to things/ cancelled last min/ always late/ didn't have money etc

Turned out she was a victim of domestic abuse. Thankfully she realised after we chatted. He was controlling her one pleasure- her horse. Just by altering these things she just saw him as an annoying husband and it was only because she was annoyed that I was annoyed that she had said it all out loud she then realised what she said.

 

[Sandstone1]

I know there are other things going on with her and I realise and understand that things come up. However a couple of things lately have been just too much in my opinion.
Thanks for your input to this thread. I'm now going my own way regarding appointments etc.

 

[Honey08]

I had a friend like that. It drove me crazy. I think I was more organised and OCD and she was faffy! But it strained the friendship big time when she hugely let us down at a time that we really needed help. She was lovely in a lot of ways though.