How to politely tell people to keep advice to themselves?

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Cobcuddler

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Hello

I posted a wee while back about how I've just bought a sensible horse after a break of 20 odd years from horse ownership. My mare is at a nice yard where we have received invaluable advice from the people there. I didn't realise how much I had forgotten!

However, I am now beginning to get a bit fed up with being in the school doing my own thing, when suddenly another livery appears and starts shouting instructions at me.

It happened a couple of weeks ago when I was just ambling around the school and ended up with someone else getting on my horse to show me how things should be done. I hadn't asked for advice and was happily pottering around practising some exercises my instructor had given me, when suddenly I was being bellowed at and then someone else was on my horse!

Recently, a similar thing happened. I just wanted ten mins to practise another exercise to see if I could do it on my own without the instructor and suddenly someone is hanging over the school fence telling me I'm not doing it for long enough, I shouldn't be doing X Y and Z (which I already knew anyway, but give me a fecking break, everyone makes mistakes) and it's not worth me doing if I'm not going to do it for longer. Well, it was worth doing for me to see if I could do it successfully and I hadn't asked for anyone elses input!

Most of the time, I think the two individuals who do this are trying to help but it's getting to the point where I feel a bit bullied and feel like asking "Don't you have your own horses to go and look after?". It's not like I'm a complete numpty who puts rugs on backwards, doesn't know how to tack up and has hardly ever ridden before, I was just a bit out of practise.

Any tips for saying "Thanks but no thanks, and I'll ask for advice when I want it" without causing huge offence please?!:D
 
'I appreciate all the help you've given me. I've been working on x with instructor and this is the homework she's given me, I really think I need to try and get the hang of it by myself now. Would you mind not watching as it's making me a bit self conscious?'
 
Just say,'' no thanks...I'm actually working on some excercises my instructor left for me''.....and keep moving:D

Have to say....OH bought a horse when we were on livery and he hated anyone advising him, other than me....he found it a gross invasion of his privacy. Literally every time he got on board the whole yard would be leaning over the fencing shouting instructions....

We ended up teaching him to ride one winter in the dark when everyone else had gone home... in the school with the lights on....just to avoid them. Well meaning, but annoying....
 
No. 1 don't get off your horse.

No. 2 I find a rather vague 'oh, ok then.......' and then total disinterest usually works.

Or ignore the person.....
 
I had similar problems when having a schooling issue with my pony and so and so wanted to get on and sort it out. I just said thanks but I need to sort it myself or I will never learn. Tell them you have an instructor and would prefer to practise the way s/he is telling you to do it and dont want to gey confused/confuse your horse. Polite but firm should work. Its annoying but give them the benefit of the doubt that their heart is in the right place. Good luck!
 
Perhaps words to the effect of "thanks for the advice guys and I'm sure you'll understand when I ask you to not to hang around watching coz its very offputting".

Keep it short, sweet, and repeat the phrase parrot-fashion - don't deviate, or argue, or plead, or get into discussion. Just repeat it. This is something that any assertiveness training will teach you, its called "broken record" and yes it DOES work. It may help you to research "assertiveness" on-line and/or purchase a book as it really does help you to stand up to difficult people and situations like this.

And do NOT, NOT NOT under any circumstances allow anyone else to get up on your horse. Its YOUR horse, you bought him for yourself, and it won't help him one jot (or you) if every Tom Dick & Harry gets up there and tries to show off.

Tell them he's your horse and that you've made the decision that only YOU will ride him. Full stop, end of story.
 
You're going to have to man up a bit, no-one else can get them to back off. Never get off your horse, be firm, say no thanks, I'm happy working on it myself. No-one can demand to ride your horse. Learn to smile sweetly & thank them for trying to help, but you have things you are dealing with with your instructors help. If they continue, just be blunt, but not rude, Say thanks, but you are happy working as you are & walk/ride away. You will annoy them (there are so many experts in horse world who feel the need to help others), be prepared for some fall out. Once they realise you aren't easy pickings to be pushed about they'll back off. Don't get drawn into discussions with them, say your sentance & ride off. Give them nothing to argue with.
 
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Smile vaguely at the person wonder off , works for me.
Its called the vague slightly batty approach it stood me in good stead for years.
 
amymay said:
No. 1 don't get off your horse.

No. 2 I find a rather vague 'oh, ok then.......' and then total disinterest usually works.

Or ignore the person.....
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This :)

Definitely 'Oh, cheers' with a sympathetic smile and turn your back on them and carry on with what you are doing. If they insist after that I would just simply say, thanks but I am working on my own stuff and I have an instructor. If they still insist politeness would go out the window :D

And NEVER get off you horse for someone unless you want to.
 
Really just say no thanks, appreciate your advice but I'm happy just doing what I'm doing.

My husband is a pain like this. To other people. I'm like please just let people do what they want. If they want advice they'll ask. Me personally, most days I just try to be nice when I'm getting the herb talk from another boarder. Some days she walks right into a snippy retort and I'm only too happy to oblige. This persons daughter thought she'd come out one day and start telling one of my clients how to ride the pony I just broke. So very loudly I just asked her how she feels she can tell anyone how to ride when she can't even get a diagonal right. She doesn't interfere anymore.

Terri
 
Yes, man up a bit. :-)
Don't let anybody get you off your horse and take your place! But don't let it get to that point. Maybe something like "I appreciate you're trying to help, but I would much prefer to be left to my own devices. So would you mind just leaving me to it? Thanks." If they keep on after that then there's no need to be polite about it is there?
 
Lots of very sensible suggestions of what you need to say in a polite but firm manner. But I would only bother with the politeness once, if they don't back off I would just be down right blunt and rude if necessary. IMO it is a low level form of yard bullying.
 
I just usually say 'Yeh...' and carry on with what I was doing, pretending not to hear them. It's unbelievable how many people think they are qualified to give advice to anyone at all. I have just got a 5yr old ex racer, big learning curve for us both but I like to think we're doing ok. Slowly but surely. However, the amount of people that have started sentences with 'What you need to be doing is.....'. Grrrrrr! The funny thing is, I often find it's the advice-givers that haven't got half a clue themselves!
 
So grateful not to be on a yard and have to put up with that sort of thing, agree with all the advice, especially the vague reply and the disinterest. Once they think you are confident doing your own thing they will probably leave you alone.
 
I think I'll try the winning smile followed by ignoring what they're saying, to begin with and see if that works!

At least when this person got on my horse, my horse made her squeal, as my mare has a rather unusual way of plunging into canter. (It's never made me shriek though :D *smug smilie*)

Thanks for all the advice. Off to the yard now so we'll see how it goes. :rolleyes:
 
I wouldn't be vague. The people will think they are helping. Just say thanks but no thanks.

Make sure in aren't making them think you are seeking advice tho, ie if you are discussing the horse and saying something went wrong or whatever, they could interpret that as you asking for help.
 
Good luck! Once you establish a clear boundary you should be fine in the long run.

I had this a lot in my first year because I was also coming back from a break and had occasional lessons / horse schooling sessions with YO. This meant YO would come in the school when I was riding on my own and start giving instructions. Unfortunately the disinterest response didn't work with her, and after a particularly annoying instance (and yes I believe it was well meant, but if I wanted to always have lessons I would have carried on riding at the RS and not bought my own) I made the decision to never have a lesson with her or pay for her to school my horse. It was unfortunate, but necessary. I also had a few (very enjoyable) lessons with a "natural horsemanship" instructress to establish the break (YO is dressage rider). Within a month she stopped completely (this was 2 years ago, still on same yard and happy there).
 
Good luck! It's a horrid situation if ur not the type of person that can deal with it easily! I'm a bit like you. There's a girl at my yard who is very know it all and interfering, she had herself on my horse recommending bits and gadgets that he really doesn't need! Few days later she said she had a bit for me to try, took my friend to say "he doesn't like those bits does he?!" And that backed her off! It's my fault tho I think I'm too accepting and need to man up! You def need to do what the other poster said- don't make urself out to be asking for advice by mistake!
 
As has been said tell them to p*"" o**. Its your horse, your mistakes, your learning curve. if you were making any serious errors your horse will soon let you know. Good luck and enjoy.
 
I find a nice, sharp "****** off, I'm busy" works wonders.

But I'm pretty blunt like that generally so people don't often offer unsolicited advice :p
 
Wear some headphones as if you are listening to music. Smile and nod without taking them out to talk or listen.

People try to 'help' for an emotional payoff - a feeling of satisfaction and a stroke of their ego. If their 'help' receives no feedback from you, then there is no payoff for them and so no incentive to get involved in the first place :)

It's pretty easy to manipulate humans if you know their motivations ;)
 
Fimbacob said:
I had similar problems when having a schooling issue with my pony and so and so wanted to get on and sort it out. I just said thanks but I need to sort it myself or I will never learn. Tell them you have an instructor and would prefer to practise the way s/he is telling you to do it and dont want to gey confused/confuse your horse. Polite but firm should work. Its annoying but give them the benefit of the doubt that their heart is in the right place. Good luck!
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Personally I think this is a lovely way of putting it.
 
I learn a lot just watching others ride. I will often question them but know them well enough to do so.. and it is a question as to how the horse is feeling, why they did x on it. Now sometimes I will be the eyes on the ground so can say what I am seeing which is different to what the rider is feeling. In the abscence of mirrors, this is the best we can do!
 
amymay said:
Actually, you don't want to do that, because as the op says she's on a nice yard, with nice people.
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make a long beepin noice everytime they talk ;) haha kiddin

but yeh be polite nd just say dont worry am doin my own thing, practsicin a few bits :)
 
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