How would you deal with this person (a rant)

[Barklands]

Posting for a friend who is not a member of the forum but I thought you lot may have some good ideas or may have dealt with similar types!

My friend is a very non confrontational person and keeps horses at a farm belonging to a friend, she pays to keep her horses there as well as exercises and competes one of his horses. A woman also keeps her horse for free there in exchange for some work for the farmer. She is known for screaming and shouting at people, gossiping and being unpleasant. Friend has managed to stay out of her way thus far but another of farmer's horses was injured a few weeks ago and he couldn't get her in from the field (it lives out 24/7) so she did and it was stabled next to trouble maker. Friend was helping farmer feed, clean wound and muck out injured horse when she could (friend has very busy, high pressure professional job). She stabled one of her own horses on the other side of injured horse to keep it calm when it first came in as not used to being in and troublemaker's horse wasn't in. Trouble maker then demanded to farmer to take over caring for the horse a couple of days later. Turns out this only extended to feeding and nothing else (seems a bit pointless IMO but she apparently considers herself a vet... which she is not... although its well known that she did recently bring it upon herself to scream at a vet recently ).

Friend has been chipping in and has carried on mucking out as and when she can. Her horse has also been coming in to the stable on the opposite side of injured horse almost every other day for several reasons 1) to give horse a break from the grass as prone to lami in spring so keen to be proactive now 2) injured horse loves her horse so its nice for them to be able to see each other 3) horse asks to be brought in when weather is bad 4) roof on its own stable is very dodgy so a worry in current weather and can't see any other horses from there so worked out well coming into stables where injured horse is. Farmer is happy with this.

Friend brought her horse in when troublemaker was there. She noticed that some of her belongings had been thrown on floor but she said she didn't think much of this as it is quite narrow so could have been knocked off (although in hindsight I said to her I think this is unlikely!). Friend sorted own horse then checked on injured horse but noticed no one had mucked out so called her mum who she was supposed to be eating with to keep food warm for her as had to do a full muck out of another one.

Whilst on the phone troublemaker started screaming and shouting at her that it is not her job to muck out (of which friend is well aware) and then is faced with a whole other barrage of abuse and accusations such as its a wonder her horse hasn't died of colic (note the comment about considering herself a vet above ) because bringing horse in as and when it suits, that its stressing injured horse out (it isn't) and making wild accusations that she is sponging off farmer (she's the only one that pays him anything) and that she's into everything taking things belonging to troublemaker and farmer. Friend rides and competes farmer's horse through the summer, she uses farmer's things for farmer's horse, he is well aware of this and has asked permission on many occasions.

She is now worried about having this screaming and shouting again, but also isn't going to be bullied out of the stables by her. How would you deal with a person like this? Farmer won't get involved as knows what she's like so doesn't want the screaming and shouting either!

I have told friend to politely but assertively warn never to speak to her like that again but is it best to say nothing? What would you do in this situation?

Empty barrels spring to mind...

EDIT: to add trouble maker came out of own stable and into injured horse stable and got into friend's face (she is unhinged), friend is not confrontational (although not a push over) so stepped back away from her

 

[Midlifecrisis]

I once said to someone Like this…I can’t hear a word you re saying and I won’t talk to a screaming banshee, come back when you can discuss things calmly like an adult. And I walked away. They just want an escalation of emotions..don’t give it to them.

 

[nagblagger]

Can she record any further rampage on her phone, hatcam CCTV?
If brave enough even tell her I am recording your threats and abusive behaviour as I do not tolerate it and if necessary will show it to relevant people.
To be honest it's not fair on your friend to have to deal with it, the farmer should grow some b#lls. He would miss your friend more than the other person, so he should appreciate what is being done and lay down ground rules for her behaviour.

 

[Asha]

This needs nipping in the bud. I tend to find that screamers/trouble makers are all mouth. So personally next time i saw said person ( and i would make sure i hung around for her). I would tell her to back off, and if she has any problems go to the farmer. To spell it out that your friend hasnt the time or inclination to deal with hysterics. Keeping eye contact at all times. I cant stand people like this.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Sounds like the person we put up with on our yard for fourteen years, and who is now terrorising another yard. We stopped being scared of the outbursts and started answering back. Politely and calmly, peppered with the phrase 'please stop shouting at me, I am not shouting at you,' move back out of my space,' and 'put your own house in order before you start sticking your nose into other people's business.' It appeared to be a control habit, and once it was clear she was losing control, she left. We all had a party to celebrate.

 

[AWinter]

Ooof this sounds so familiar, no advice because I’m just figuring out how to deal with it myself but glad it’s not just me dealing with this! Everyone else is scared to rock the boat and I’ve put my foot down straight away and I’m not sure what’s going to happen

 

[Abacus]

Personally I'd get out my phone and video her next outburst if there is one. She'll probably stop if being recorded and if not, your friend can use it to talk privately to the farmer and ask for his support in dealing with this woman. If I were him and saw such a thing, I'd ask her to leave.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

Buy noise cancelling headphones. Next time she starts screaming, tell her you (as in your friend) aren't interested in listening to her screaming nonsense, and if she continues, you will put in/on your noise cancelling headphones so that you won't have to continue to listen to her.

 

[4Hoofed]

Ooff, why are so many horse people absolutely wild and badly behaved?? Is it something in the feeds? Or the horse hair affects some people this way???

My only advice would be to make sure she texts the farmer politely each time she does this, sorry to disturb you, just to let you know x has been shouting at me, and accusing me of x y and a(especially when she’s accusing her of things against the farmer), just double checking your happy with x y z (ie the agreement that she’s helping out with injured horse, bringing her horse in, using different stable) and then the next time she starts the carry on you can say no sorry stop, I’ve confirmed these things with farmer so please don’t worry about them.

It may get annoying for farmer and friend but may take the wind out her sails, and also annoy him enough he stands up to her. Also get recording interactions, phone in pocket. I was having unpleasant convos with a yard owner I set a short cut on my phone that made it easy to start recording. We had a conversation, quite a reasonable one but not things he wanted to hear, and all was well. When he started telling other liveries about me screaming at him, upsetting him etc I played them the recording of our civil conversation. Job done I was already leaving but refused to get dragged down!

 

[NoodlesHalloween]

Always a difficult one, I hate confrontation and I do believe in killing with kindness. On the times it has happened though to me I find cocking my head like a spaniel innocently and asking 'Are you Okay?' then turning around and getting on with a job has seemed to work as a confusion exercise

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Buy noise cancelling headphones. Next time she starts screaming, tell her you (as in your friend) aren't interested in listening to her screaming nonsense, and if she continues, you will put in/on your noise cancelling headphones so that you won't have to continue to listen to her.

I would have the headphones in already and pretend I couldn't hear her or see her.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Above all keep calm, people like this want everybody else to descend to their level. I agree with the advice to keep repeating "Please stop shouting at me, I'm not shouting at you" "Please step back".
When the mad woman runs out of steam/gets fed up of being filmed/recorded, your friend should then say "If you have any problems with what I am doing with his horse, please take it up with farmer, as I have recently confirmed that our arrangement is as I thought. If he wants anything to change, I'm sure he will tell me personally."

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

The horseworld does seem to attract a disproportionately large number of these absolutely raging mad women than the average equestrian deserves to have to deal with!

 

[4Hoofed]

The horseworld does seem to attract a disproportionately large number of these absolutely raging mad women than the average equestrian deserves to have to deal with!

I think this should be a research topic for either a psychology student or an equine science student. Coincidence or cause or correlation

 

[Sealine]

I'm too am very non confrontational and hate this type of situation. I just stare at the person very calmly and let them rant. I don't show any reaction. As Noodles said this usually confuses them as they want a reaction. When they realise they aren't going to get one they run out of steam. After a couple of times they usually realise they are wasting their time and stop doing it. I won't waste my breath arguing with someone irrational and hysterical.

 

[D66]

Try whispering your response. It will often get the ranty one to pause and ask you to repeat what you said.
“We can discuss this when you’re calmer”, might be a good starting point.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

Sounds like this woman has some mental health issues. Also I suspect there is the possibility of a "relationship" existing with the farmer.......... these things do happen in the countryside don't they.

Presuming the former (i.e. mental health issues) is the case, then personally I would ignore the exhibited behaviour, because to give it any attention will only feed the problem basically.

The other thing you could do (if you don't think it is purely a MH issue) is to make sure you all wear a hat-cam. When the behaviour kicks off and/or the person is in your face, then just say words to the effect of "OK XXXXX so I'm just going to record what you say to me and the way you behave OK". And press the Record button. If recording someone you MUST tell them you are doing it. This might sharpen their mind a little.

Difficult situation all round, but if the farmer HAS got his hand inside her pants I really don't think there's much you all can do. Sorry.

 

[Spotherisk]

I like ‘Wow, did you mean to say something so rude just then, or are you just thick’, but that might be throwing petroleum onto the flames… in which case I’d go, as others have said, with the calm and softly spoken ‘I won’t respond to being shouted at. Go away.’ Very important to only engage once, otherwise you’re in a dialogue which will keep rumbling along.

 

[dottylottie]

if i was a bit braver and not totally terrified of confrontation, my go to would be “wow, that was an embarrassing thing to say out loud” because it actually makes me cringe when people behave like that, how are you not mortified to be acting so ridiculously

 

[94lunagem]

I vote for the 'I can't understand what you are saying when you choose to shout, I'd be happy to discuss this when you have calmed down' approach. Walk away, continue your day as if it hasn't happened and most importantly don't bite back or allow yourself to be dragged into her hysteria.

 

[Tinsel]

I hope the injury for the other horse get better soon

 

[Above the snowline]

Bung in some earphones and jig/sing along happily to some pretend music and completely ignore her

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

I just pop in headphones when idiots are about. However have a camera ready for recording if you have to. Usually that makes people back off

 

[nutjob]

Can she just stop interacting with the screaming woman and discuss with the farmer who is supposed to be doing what with the horse. If it hasn't been mucked out and it's agreed it's not her job then she can send him a text if she notices it's not been done rather than get into an argument about it. It's really up to him to make sure his own horse is looked after and to do it himself if his nominated person did not.

 

[ihatework]

I’d just tell her to wind her neck in. Then not engage further.
These sorts need calling out.

 

[blitznbobs]

Honestly, what I would do is , Listen hands on hips and then tell her to (in a controlled and mannerly tone ) ‘duck off and mind her own business’

Or if I was feeling slightly less aggressive (more passive aggressive )might fiddle with my phone and say ‘great content for my Facebook channel , what was your surname again?’

Tbh I wouldn’t be mucking the farmers horse out either if they weren’t willing to deal with the abusive person.

And I’d leave I am too old to deal with the drama .

Such fun

 

[Quigleyandme]

You lot are all so grown up. I’m in awe. I would tell her to f#*k off and then spend three days and nights fretting and thinking of all the sensible and mature things I should have said and done.

 

[blitznbobs]

You lot are all so grown up. I’m in awe. I would tell her to f#*k off and then spend three days and nights fretting and thinking of all the sensible and mature things I should have said and done.

F off is , in this situation, the only truly correct thing to say … so don’t fret luv

 

[Jellymoon]

I would do the, ‘gosh, is everything with you? you seem really wound up…’ and if that doesn’t help, ‘I’m happy to engage with you when you stop being so unpleasant’
And then, I’m afraid, I would try to see if I can get her moved on…talk to the farmer/YO.

 

[Jellymoon]

Or actually, I wonder if I might try, ‘eff off out of my face and if you bother me again I’m called the police and getting you charged with harassment. Also, while you are at it, stop chucking my stuff on the floor, you absolute nutter.’