Hurtful remarks from instructor

quirky said:
Don't see how any instructor, however good they are can make you better if they are sat on your horse.
Surely the owner needs to ride it to improve, otherwise we'd all be Mary King just by watching her go round Badminton :rolleyes::eek::D.
Click to expand...

I disagree - my instructor has sat on my horse several times, because I am keen to work with my horse and improve as a partnership. My instructor needs to know how my horse goes (in my opinion) to best judge how to teach me to get the best out of her. If that means I am paying her to ride for 20% of my lesson then so be it - after she's ridden, I can feel how my horse 'should' feel and can work to achieve that feel myself (which must be working as we have improved a great deal in the 6 months she has been teaching me). I feel a lot better about my riding since having lessons with my current instructor, I have tried others who don't create a similar feeling of confidence, so I don't go back.

It's about finding someone who suits you. Just because someone is popular doesn't make them right for you, my instructor shamelessly laughs at me at times, but only because I take the p*** out of myself. I always finish my lesson feeling positive about my riding, and wanting to work hard to improve.

I have walked straight out of a lesson before (in front of several other pupils in the same enormous group gridwork session), which was singularly the most humiliating experience of my whole life and which no doubt made me quite unpopular with a large section of the 'grass roots' horsey community in my area, but I am damned if I am going to pay someone to spout **** at me and belittle me, just because they are popular. I want an instructor who can actually ride to a good standard, who knows her stuff yet at the same time is a good communicator, a good teacher and someone who can get the best from me whilst building my self belief. It took a while to find mine - and I thought she sounded 'too good' for me at first - but you need to keep looking, they are out there! Good luck! :)
 
intouch said:
OMG what a lot of wimps you are! What's the point in this woman telling you how good you are if it's not true? Get real, bit the bullet and start riding the way she wants you to, isn't THAT what you're paying her for? Try someone like Yogi Bresner, he's not going to tell you how good you are, he's going to MAKE you good - but only if you are prepared to break sweat to get there!
Click to expand...

I have to agree with you. You need to prove to her that her comments were wrong, you mustn't just sit back and curl up inside; go for it.
 
I think she is knocking your confidence ! I have had four lessons and like wow ! And shes a Ai and competes and i know im rubbish but she makes me do lots of things on lessons gives me homework i have done lots with my boy since having lessons and i think its demorilising her riding your horse every lesson how awful change her please !
p.s my instructer told me so much about my horse just off the ground was amazing really and she predicted his pelvic back pain/lameness before he went lame aweek before hand shes never rode him once
 
I'm glad some others have come on this post to shine the light in a different direction.

Some people simply will never be able to school a horse and it can be very frustrating to watch a horse being gradually allowed to slip into bad habits and eventually the wrong shape through poor riding. You openly admit your horse goes beautifully for them, so it must already be a bit of a 'sore point' - or it should at least be telling you something. Not that it gives them the right to humiliate you directly, but has this been going on, with no improvement in your ability to get a tune out of the mare, for a while?

Have you any faith in your ability to get some decent work out of your horse? Do you know what it feels like when it is going properly? Are you possibly ruining your horse by undoing its previous schooling and is every lesson a fix job to get the horse back to where it left off at the last session?

We have a pony out on loan whose schooling is good and ability proven. Her rider is very novicey and we keep having to 'remind' the pony of how she ought to be going as her rider, sweet and kind as she is, will never be able to school this pony or even maintain her ridden manners. Ponies are usually less 'fragile' than horses and more robust in terms of destructibility, so ours isn't much concern. However, if you have a good horse, politeness and professionalism aside, you really don't want to spoil it. Hand on heart, is the horse progressing or regressing?

If the answer is regressing, then you need to reassess what you want to achieve and if you really do need help in keeping the horse at its current level of schooling.

If you actually only ride like you can't on lessons (much as I do) and your horse is pretty much trundling along unchanged either for the good or bad and you just like having some formal work with an instructor, think about getting someone you enjoy working with.

But be honest with yourself about whether you are fit to carry out your horse's education and then decide who with.

ETA - I place all of the blame on my (occasionally) rubbish riding on me and me alone - but I am terribly hard on myself. If I'm riding like a wally I don't expect it to be dressed up!
 
Last edited:
While I agree that no-one should be told they are doing well if they are not, the manner of the intsructor in the OP is unnacceptable. My old riding instructor gve out praise like hens teeth and so if you got any you svoured the moment, he was never rude to the less able riders, and did his best to improve the least talented, that was his job! I can only recomend that people try time travelling and get their parents to give them a sister, so that many years later, you both have an instructor who will give no quater, but that you can trust. :D
 
Sorry - haven't read all through this thread so may be repeating something already said.
A good teacher is not someone who constantly praises and points out only what's good. A good teacher must be able to be constructive and offer formative feedback i.e. feedback which helps the learner progress and results in change and improvement. This applies whether you are improving riding, reading, swimming, counting - whatever you are learning.
Making people feel useless is not helpful but neither is constant praise. Both are barriers to learning.
A teacher's job is to find ways to help their pupils make progress and improve. This will mean different approaches and different rates of progress from pupil to pupil. If the pupil is willing to learn, it is the teacher's job to find ways to help them do just that. Making mistakes and struggling at some things is a vital part of learning.
Personality is a big factor in all of this and if you feel intimidated or don't like the person teaching you then you must find someone with whom you do get on and who is willing to work constructively with you. Lessons are expensive, too expensive to spend working with someone who makes you feel bad.
 
That's out of order :mad:find another instructor, someone you gel with and who fills you with confidence, spend your hard earned cash with them and aim for a basic dressage test and show her who can ride!!! :p You can do it! :)
 
Maybe you're a mis-match. Maybe you don't click with the way this instructor teaches you and would do better with a different one. Before you decide you'll never be able to improve it might be worth having some lessons with someone else.
 
mushroom said:
I had a lesson this weekend with someone who has taught me a few times before. She always ends up riding my horse for me as I'm such rubbish. Needless to say, my horse goes like a dream for her immediately every time.

It takes every ounce of my courage to book a lesson with this instructor as I know she's too good for me, but I pay my money like anyone else and hope to learn just something.

This weekend she asked me if I really wanted to go on trying to school my horse and said that there was nothing wrong with hacking all the time like lots of people do (absolutely right and I do hack a lot).

I'm absolutely devastated by her comments. I feel so humiliated. I know I should be able to laugh it off, but I can't.
Click to expand...



What exactly did the instructor say that was so humilitating?
 
She was told, clearly without a hint of humour, that she was basically wasting her time trying to school her horse and perhaps she should consider becoming a happy hacker instead. Sounds pretty humiliating to me.

If I was paying money to a "professional" to learn, no matter how lowly my riding was in their opinion, I would expect them to do their best to teach me, not basically to give up on me and suggest I might like to do the same.
 
mushroom said:
It's due to a combination of my embarrassment at not getting it right and her impatience as she knows how well my horse can go when ridden properly.
Click to expand...
You are going to be embarrassed this instructor has done nothing to make you feel confident(quite the oppisite) and a teacher MUST have bags of patience.
You pay them to help you get better,one step at a time-any instructor who is not doing that is not worth your time and does not deserve your cash.

I hope you find another one who can help you regain your lost confidence,you will get your horse going as well for you as others given time and good tuition,but you are trying to learn skills you don't have ATM. It takes time(and a good teacher!).
 
intouch said:
OMG what a lot of wimps you are! What's the point in this woman telling you how good you are if it's not true? Get real, bit the bullet and start riding the way she wants you to, isn't THAT what you're paying her for? Try someone like Yogi Bresner, he's not going to tell you how good you are, he's going to MAKE you good - but only if you are prepared to break sweat to get there!
Click to expand...

WTF? Where has that come from?
No one starts off perfectly,everyone needs to LEARN,to do that we need help and that is what the instructor is there to do.
Even if the lesson goes badly and the pupil does not get it right,a simple "keep going,you will get there" is enough to leave the pupil with confindece to keep trying.
 
martha said:
She was told, clearly without a hint of humour, that she was basically wasting her time trying to school her horse and perhaps she should consider becoming a happy hacker instead. Sounds pretty humiliating to me.

If I was paying money to a "professional" to learn, no matter how lowly my riding was in their opinion, I would expect them to do their best to teach me, not basically to give up on me and suggest I might like to do the same.
Click to expand...

In a nutshell. :)

We all have different thicknesses of skin - some people would not have been hurt by her remarks, but I was.

Just for the record, several previous instructors have ridden my horse during lessons and it has been very helpful in order to demonstrate or to get a feel for my horse and the best way to help me. I have no problem with that whatsoever, but not as a way out of teaching me.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. :)
 
mushroom said:
In a nutshell. :)

We all have different thicknesses of skin - some people would not have been hurt by her remarks, but I was.

Just for the record, several previous instructors have ridden my horse during lessons and it has been very helpful in order to demonstrate or to get a feel for my horse and the best way to help me. I have no problem with that whatsoever, but not as a way out of teaching me.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. :)
Click to expand...

I would have found this hurtful too, & agree that everyone is different & would feel differently about remarks made to them. I once had a horrible experience with an "instructor" who chipped away all my confidence & self belief, told me that I couldn't ride & my beloved mare would never jump, that I should put her in Reading market. I was devastated & it took me a long time to get over it. Some people would have just ignored him, but I had lost my confidence so badly it really affected me. With the right teaching help, support & lots of confidence building lessons, we were out jumping nicely in small BSJA classes quite quickly. Its so important to get the right help for you, my current coach is a great mentor, answers all my questions, praises when its good, but corrects my mistakes in a firm & professional manner, he never belittles me or makes me feel stupid, but does push me to ride well & achieve my goals.

Good luck, just sounds like you need the right help & to have a think about what your goals are, do you want to have fun at home, do you want to do a walk & trot test, or event at 4*? A good trainer will help you evaluate what you want to do, then help you get there in a structured way.
 
She always ends up riding my horse for me as I'm such rubbish.

Whose words are these? Yours or hers? Do you think they truly reflect your ability? Is it possible teach someone to teach something when they, the teacher in training, have not got the skills yet to do the teaching they are attempting to do? What is the student (in this case the horse) supposed to make of unclear and incorrectly delivered messages?

Maybe your goals are currently too high and whilst no harm is being done by hacking, the schooling is not having the desired effect.

I'm not trying to skirt around 'you are ruining your horse' but I know my limits and wouldn't expect even Carl Hester or John Whitaker to improve me beyond my current level. In the same breath, I don't expect any of my horses to obey muddled instructions from me and think it's unfair to confuse them during my efforts to deliver the aids flawlessly. I let my son get on and keep them tuned whilst I stay within my (accepted) limits as a rider. Be the best you can be within your natural scope and ride accordingly. Sounds like you aren't enjoying the lessons at all and could do with a change of plan or direction. Hone the skills you have and stay in your depth.
 
intouch said:
OMG what a lot of wimps you are! What's the point in this woman telling you how good you are if it's not true? Get real, bit the bullet and start riding the way she wants you to, isn't THAT what you're paying her for? Try someone like Yogi Bresner, he's not going to tell you how good you are, he's going to MAKE you good - but only if you are prepared to break sweat to get there!
Click to expand...

That's not what it's about, intouch. An instructer should only ever tell you the truth, but they need to do it with encouragement and instilling confidence.
 
I can certainly understand the instructor's frustration if there is never any improvement though when they know the horse is perfectly capable if the right buttons are pressed; they would be well within their rights to believe they are wasting their time although there could have been a more polite way of suggesting they try someone new.
This is all supposing that the instructor is well qualified and experienced enough to judge of course.
Also, has anyone thought about it from the instructor's POV in that this client is not a good advertisement for them either? Whispers get round that she can't teach ???? for toffee, would you want lessons from someone like that? It does cut both ways, it's just unfortunate that the RI did not suggest OP tried another instructor in a more pleasant manner but I would have appreciated her honesty TBH.
 
Last edited:
Another one to say change your instructor. They should be there to help and encourage and push us in a positive manner (oh ok then b*l*o*k us when needed ;) ) NOT be disparaging or downright rude. They are obviously doing nothing to help with your confidence and the fact they can get your horse going is NOT the point.. They should be teaching YOU how to get the best YOU can get from YOUR horse, not show off how "easy" it us undermining your confidence... They SHOULD be better than us at riding, that's why we want them to teach !!

Ask around, find a new instructor who wants to help you be the best that you can be without the hurt.

Good Luck :D
 
Some of you guys are scary! There's a few of people out there who like to think that they are so wonderful because they "say things how they are", but I think most people just consider them rude and insensitive. There are ways and means of getting the right outcome, but generally it involves a little sensitivity and lateral thinking. One size doesn't fit all.

My instructor alternates between soft encouragement, comedy (!) and a bit of shouting when she knows I'm not concentrating and need to nuckle down. But she judges the person and the situation so that the end result means everyone is happy (even the horse!). If an instructor had said to me what they said to Mushroom I'd not know whether to laugh or cry - what pomposity!

I know I'm a pretty bad rider and will never be a very good one. I know that other people can ride my horse better than I can, but he is my horse and he lives a very good life in a lovely yard, with lots of wonderful people looking after him. Putting up with my big ol unbalanced self on him a few times a week is something he doesn't seem to mind a great deal, actually quite enjoys and it certainly won't "ruin" him.

You'd think from some of the responses here that noone should every ride unless they were born in the saddle and competing yearly at Badminton!

It's supposed to be fun.
 
Maybe your instructor in a not so tactful way is trying to tell you that she has done all she can with you? Maybe she feels guilty taking your money as there are no signs of improvement?
However that isn't your fault and maybe it's time to change instructors?
You sound like you have a lovely horse that when asked can go well but is also quite happy hacking around with you. Your lucky to have such a combo.
Enjoy your horse and don't let anyone tell you your rubbish but try not to be offended when people offer constructive advice.
 
Get rid of your instructor.TBH there is no one perfect instructor for everyone as there is no one perfect horse for everyone.Some people like a very abbrassive style, others don't.I think you can always find SOMETHING positive to say, some small improvement somewhere that you can praise and some instructors, sadly, get off on upsetting their pupils.Find someone who suits you and remember YOU are the one writing the cheque so YOU are the employer, not the other way round.
 
Georgia68 said:
Really? Limitations? Maybe she's just got a bad instructor?
Click to expand...

That's quite possible but I certainly know my limitations based on my age, my health and lack of suppleness and reactions which my age and health dictate. Not everyone, no matter how hard they try, including myself, would ever get to the stage where they could complete, in style, even a BE90. Some of us just don't have that ability to go further than the basics; I'm being honest and classing myself in that category. I know my limitations but I'm still happy trying to improve them although it just doesn't happen. I know the basics about how to swim but I just can't swim in spite of fantastic teachers since I was a small child, they just can't get me past the stage where I can do it and I would love nothing better than being able to dive off a yacht but I just can't do it, I'd sink like a brick, same as I do in a pool; it's just beyond me, I admit I can't do it and it's something most of you accept as second nature and wouldn't be able to see any reason why I can't do it. This could be how the RI sees things.
 
Thanks Brighteyes, I'm glad some can understand that it's actually helpful to know and accept your limitations even though it doesn't stop you trying. You can only ever do your best; if it's not good enough for others, then tough *****e, I'm afraid.
 
Maesfen said:
That's quite possible but I certainly know my limitations based on my age, my health and lack of suppleness and reactions which my age and health dictate. Not everyone, no matter how hard they try, including myself, would ever get to the stage where they could complete, in style, even a BE90. Some of us just don't have that ability to go further than the basics; I'm being honest and classing myself in that category. I know my limitations but I'm still happy trying to improve them although it just doesn't happen. I know the basics about how to swim but I just can't swim in spite of fantastic teachers since I was a small child, they just can't get me past the stage where I can do it and I would love nothing better than being able to dive off a yacht but I just can't do it, I'd sink like a brick, same as I do in a pool; it's just beyond me, I admit I can't do it and it's something most of you accept as second nature and wouldn't be able to see any reason why I can't do it. This could be how the RI sees things.
Click to expand...


Yes of course, you'd have to be a bit of a numpty to think you had no limitations. But telling someone that they are incapable of doing anything except hacking is rather extreme!
 
Unless we heard the entire exchange, it is very difficult to judge who said what and how it was said. They may have been paraphrasing - or equally, trying to be kind about the exact words used.

And what if, just what if, they were right? I would rather hear the truth, I'm afraid than pay someone on a weekly basis to give me false hope!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top