Husband and horses

I agree that with some of the other posters that your other half just moaning about it is completely pointless and negative, but I can kind of see his side of it - got married, had a child, then wife and child disappear off constantly doing something he doesn't want to do.

My wife is not at all horsey and only very occasionally comes to the yard, usually to watch our youngest if she's having a lesson, and just does not get the same enjoyment that my daughter and I do (especially the mud, poo & dirt!)

She has told me that it can feel a bit uncomfortable hanging around not knowing what she's doing, and feeling like she sticks out like a sore thumb being a non-horsey person. This I totally get as I started out by helping my eldest and felt very self conscious to begin with and used to just busy myself muck-picking and stuffing haynets.

I think you maybe both need to sit down and talk it through - he needs to realise that this is now a really big and positive part of your daughter's life (as well as yours), and really as a parent it's important that he gets involved in some way to support that.
 
New Forests Rock said:
This just makes me so very grateful for Mr NFR being at least as dedicated to our ponies as I am (even if his is now sold and replaced with a 🏍️). We are currently down to just the Coblet, and are fighting each other for who gets to do the next clip🤣 It is going to be a long 8 weeks while Chief is away!!
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Makes me very glad I live on my own with my dogs!
 
I would see it that you are doing this to give your daughter a lovely childhood. There will be some lovely memories for her to look back on, kids and horses rarely last forever so no doubt boys and other activities will come on the scene then he really will have something to worry about. If this was you (no child) spending all your time at the stables I could see it perhaps if he wasn't aware when you got married. This is something you are doing for your daughter and if you enjoy it as well and bond with her over it then another benefit. i would tell him that daughter needs support in her hobby, he can come and support in rides/shows etc.

If you restrict the riding time and increase the home time will she mind? you can't go riding today because daddy is having a tantrum and wants us all to stay at home and watch the box. Be grateful she has an active hobby that doesn't involve her being glued to a computer screen.

This spell of your life won't last forever and you will have many years of gardening left.

I took the precaution of making sure my OH could ride my horse and do the stables before we got married. Then I bought him his own (or at least that was my excuse for another horse. :D:D:D)
 
paddy555 said:
I would see it that you are doing this to give your daughter a lovely childhood. There will be some lovely memories for her to look back on, kids and horses rarely last forever so no doubt boys and other activities will come on the scene then he really will have something to worry about. If this was you (no child) spending all your time at the stables I could see it perhaps if he wasn't aware when you got married. This is something you are doing for your daughter and if you enjoy it as well and bond with her over it then another benefit. i would tell him that daughter needs support in her hobby, he can come and support in rides/shows etc.

If you restrict the riding time and increase the home time will she mind? you can't go riding today because daddy is having a tantrum and wants us all to stay at home and watch the box. Be grateful she has an active hobby that doesn't involve her being glued to a computer screen.

This spell of your life won't last forever and you will have many years of gardening left.

I took the precaution of making sure my OH could ride my horse and do the stables before we got married. Then I bought him his own (or at least that was my excuse for another horse. :D:D:D)
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In fairness some of us never grew out of the pony mad child phase.... But hey, no money for drugs ....
 
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful time at the yard together with your lovely pony.

My OH is not horsey at all but comes out every evening he’s home to help with my horses. I assume it’s just to spend more time together but also to be part of my horsey life. He has drawn a line with mornings however 😂

I agree that your husband needs to propose something other than chores to do together. It sounds like you have plenty of the evening together after the yard so if he won’t come along what does he want to do?

Is there any reason the dogs can’t come and you all walk out with your daughter riding as a family? Will he take more interest if your daughter explains about her pony or asks him for help with things like holding him while she mounts, checking girth, rugging up etc. Could he build her some jump wings so she has things that dad has made for her pony? If it is just that he feels he’s not included give him plenty of opportunities to be part of it.
 
paddy555 said:
I would see it that you are doing this to give your daughter a lovely childhood. There will be some lovely memories for her to look back on, kids and horses rarely last forever so no doubt boys and other activities will come on the scene then he really will have something to worry about. If this was you (no child) spending all your time at the stables I could see it perhaps if he wasn't aware when you got married. This is something you are doing for your daughter and if you enjoy it as well and bond with her over it then another benefit. i would tell him that daughter needs support in her hobby, he can come and support in rides/shows etc.

If you restrict the riding time and increase the home time will she mind? you can't go riding today because daddy is having a tantrum and wants us all to stay at home and watch the box. Be grateful she has an active hobby that doesn't involve her being glued to a computer screen.

This spell of your life won't last forever and you will have many years of gardening left.

I took the precaution of making sure my OH could ride my horse and do the stables before we got married. Then I bought him his own (or at least that was my excuse for another horse. :D:D:D)
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Perfectly worded 💖.
 
Paying for everything doesn't necessarily equate to investing in the lions share of a relationship. A physical presence is also needed. And relationships are all about compromise. So whilst I think it's absolutely fantastic that this equestrian life has totally absorbed you and your daughter, I can understand your husband wanting time and space made for him too. It's about balance. Perhaps a compromise could be reached whereby one weekend a month, as a family, you spend time together. Be it doing things at home, or days out. And perhaps one day of another weekend he could spend a couple of hours at the yard with you and your daughter.
 
paddy555 said:
I would see it that you are doing this to give your daughter a lovely childhood. There will be some lovely memories for her to look back on, kids and horses rarely last forever so no doubt boys and other activities will come on the scene then he really will have something to worry about. If this was you (no child) spending all your time at the stables I could see it perhaps if he wasn't aware when you got married. This is something you are doing for your daughter and if you enjoy it as well and bond with her over it then another benefit. i would tell him that daughter needs support in her hobby, he can come and support in rides/shows etc.

If you restrict the riding time and increase the home time will she mind? you can't go riding today because daddy is having a tantrum and wants us all to stay at home and watch the box. Be grateful she has an active hobby that doesn't involve her being glued to a computer screen.

This spell of your life won't last forever and you will have many years of gardening left.

I took the precaution of making sure my OH could ride my horse and do the stables before we got married. Then I bought him his own (or at least that was my excuse for another horse. :D:D:D)
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I have taken him out on a trekking day before so he could see why we love it so much…and he admitted it was lovely and really enjoyed himself riding! I do joke maybe one day he’ll want a horse of his own, but I’m not convinced he ever will 🤣

He is, on the whole, a very good husband and I’ve probably made him out to be a bit of a villain, and he isn’t. He collects daughter from school on Mondays and Fridays and does leave me to do my own thing with DD most of the time, just likes to have a moan about it afterwards. He cooks dinner regularly as well for us for when we get home from the yard. I guess it’s the guilt of leaving him when he moans at me that has led to this.

It’s just nice to know that I’m not alone and it is quite common. I appreciate you guys for letting me have a rant and showing me a different perspective! I do think my daughter would be sad if we cut down on her time with the pony though, she always says she wishes she didn’t have to go to school and could hang round the yard all day! She’d live there if she could!

I’m going to ask if he wants to come for a hack with us this afternoon so I’ve at least involved him…wish me luck, I’ll keep you updated on the outcome!🤣
 
As an example, as it's something I had to get used to with my current partner and co, on the weekends we just discuss on the day what the plan is. I ask him if he has anything in mind and he asks when I'm hoping to go to the horses then we just arrange to do something together before or after. It works for us!
 
Not read all the replies but you sound like me 20 years ago.
I have a generous kind OH who was thrilled to help daughter get her 1st pony and for me to enjoy having a pony to care for, be a pony club mum and spend time with our daughter doing something we loved.

He spent time with our older child, a son, though not so intensely.

I worked PT paid the horse bills ran the house, he worked long hours running a business.
After a couple of years daughter became more competitive and I was PC secretary and our weekends were spent competing and running around. He paid for a horse box and a second horse and of course we spent even more time at the yard.
He came to watch important competitions, we had couple friends from PC where the non horsey husbands enjoyed a mutal moaning session and it was fine, until one day it wasnt.

He had become resentful of time invested outside our marriage. He felt excluded. I had been completely unaware he felt like that. A massive row happened when he wanted to go away for a weekend for something together and daughter was entered in a comp as a PC team member. I felt we could go another weekend and he felt our marriage was always coming second.

We sorted it out and I was more careful to make sure we did stuff as a couple. He started being more interested again in the horses.
Marriage is a bit of a juggle sometimes. I'm not saying he's right entirely OP or that you are wrong. My first thought was "he needs to get a life" but on reflection maybe he'd just like a little bit more together time.
40+ years of marriage means 40+ years of give and take. Maybe a drink at the pub just the 2 of you, and an honest discussion will help.
 
IKW said:
He either joins in and makes the most of it or he stays as he is and shuts up I'm afraid.
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Could you imagine if the situation was reversed?

If my husband said with his hobby (rowing), "either you join in or shut up" while I spent evenings and weekends wishing we could do something together.

Could you imagine the amount of people who would advise, he's not prioritising you.

Everyone would tell me to walk, and on that I would agree with them!
 
I’m usually on the husband’s side because I know how taxing horses can be. But your husband sounds like an absolute loser.

Doesn’t contribute to household bills? Doesn’t contribute to HIS child’s hobby when it makes you both happy? Doesn’t invest time, which is free, to go there with you both?

Sounds like a real catch…
 
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LadyGascoyne said:
Could you imagine if the situation was reversed?

If my husband said with his hobby (rowing), "either you join in or shut up" while I spent evenings and weekends wishing we could do something together.

Could you imagine the amount of people who would advise, he's not prioritising you.

Everyone would tell me to walk, and on that I would agree with them!
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Forgive me if I’m wrong but I remember a thread you posted of a similar ilk a few years back and I do remember a fair few posters quite taken aback at how your husband was treating you as an option rather than a priority.
 
IrishMilo said:
Forgive me if I’m wrong but I remember a thread you posted of a similar ilk a few years back and I do remember a fair few posters quite taken aback at how your husband was treating you as an option rather than a priority.
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Yes, very similar.

My husband suddenly found himself a work widower whose wife spent any non working time with the horses, and he really struggled with that.

He had always wanted to do things with us as a couple, we'd wanted to travel, I had loved doing things with him at home on the farm, he was on his own with the chores of the property suddenly. I had loved cooking and we'd have interesting dinners with a glass of wine and talk for hours. That all went with my job, and I paid for cleaners and a local private chef/ meal prep service which I could afford and he didn't have to contribute to at all. But apparently sitting alone in a clean house with a microwave heated meal cooked by a stranger and a glass of wine without company was pretty miserable.

He was suddenly much more alone, without the wife he used to enjoy spending his time with, and the couple time he valued.

It took me a while to realise that I'd changed his life on him completely without bringing him along with me, and I'd moved the goal posts totally obliviously, thinking all the money and career success I was having was just fantastic and I could compensate for my lack of time at home through outsourcing everything. And then we could have it all 🙃. I realised that if I wanted it to work, I needed to make space for him and our marriage. I put the horses on livery and now don't spend my whole weekends doing horses and nothing else. I do go away with him when I can. We've started hiking, which is so great. We now do gym in the mornings together when we can. And I try to be home on the evenings he's home, so if I'm working until midnight, I'll do that from home rather than the office and spend at least and hour or two with him. And I'm loving being back into cooking and baking. I missed it so much, I have realised.

Thankfully I heard him, took him seriously and made changes, and we are absolutely great. But I knew he was my priority and I wanted my marriage to work, and it came first before the horses or the job.
 
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paddy555 said:
equally some of us never got the chance to grow into it.. I would have loved to have had a mother like Trotter who encouraged horses. Having one of my own was beyond my wildest dreams and I dreamed on.
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I will be honest (showing off here!) growing up with loads of animals including horses and being encouraged in those pursuits is really rather special
 
LadyGascoyne said:
Yes, very similar.

My husband suddenly found himself a work widower whose wife spent any non working time with the horses, and he really struggled with that.

He had always wanted to do things with us as a couple, we'd wanted to travel, I had loved doing things with him at home on the farm, he was on his own with the chores of the property suddenly. I had loved cooking and we'd have interesting dinners with a glass of wine and talk for hours. That all went with my job, and I paid for cleaners and a local private chef/ meal prep service which I could afford and he didn't have to contribute to at all. But apparently sitting alone in a clean house with a microwave heated meal cooked by a stranger and a glass of wine without company was pretty miserable.

He was suddenly much more alone, without the wife he used to enjoy spending his time with, and the couple time he valued.

It took me a while to realise that I'd changed his life on him completely without bringing him along with me, and I'd moved the goal posts totally obliviously, thinking all the money and career success I was having was just fantastic and I could compensate for my lack of time at home through outsourcing everything. And then we could have it all 🙃. I realised that if I wanted it to work, I needed to make space for him and our marriage. I put the horses on livery and now don't spend my whole weekends doing horses and nothing else. I do go away with him when I can. We've started hiking, which is so great. We now do gym in the mornings together when we can. And I try to be home on the evenings he's home, so if I'm working until midnight, I'll do that from home rather than the office and spend at least and hour or two with him. And I'm loving being back into cooking and baking. I missed it so much, I have realised.

Thankfully I heard him, took him seriously and made changes, and we are absolutely great. But I knew he was my priority and I wanted my marriage to work, and it came first before the horses or the job.
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but that is what suits a husband and wife, in this instance there is their child to consider.
 
paddy555 said:
equally some of us never got the chance to grow into it.. I would have loved to have had a mother like Trotter who encouraged horses. Having one of my own was beyond my wildest dreams and I dreamed on.
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This! I was obsessed with horses as a child and my parents aren’t animal people AT ALL and even if they were, they didn’t have the money to take me riding or for me to have anything to do with horses and I was so desperate. My aunty had two spicy Arabs she’d let me groom and walk around occasionally but I never had any other opportunity and never got to ride. So I feel like I’m living my childhood dream through my daughter and nothing makes me happier than seeing her riding or grooming and running around the yard with her friends and when they all go hacking together it warms my heart…I just love it!
 
There is always room for compromise. Marriage with or without children and horses and careers IS a compromise. I didnt give up very much to make my compromise when my husband felt excluded, but the reward was big in that we enjoyed each other's company again. The kids are grown up, sadly no more horses, but we have lots of happy memories and continue together with our marriage. The horses filled about 20 years of our 44 year marriage. I wouldn't have missed them for anything but things change and move on and we ask adapt.

My best friend says "I love my husband we have history and family but if we were apart due to death or divorce I wouldn't be looking for anyone else as I cannot imagine wanting to compromise my choices for anyone else " I agree. But if the OP wants a happy home life she might have to adjust a little and he will need to appreciate that and respond in kind.
 
We have had success this evening!!! When we got home from work, my husband had a moan about me being out for ages yesterday and leaving him to do the garden (again) and I said I was sorry I wasn’t there to help with the gardening and asked if tonight he’d like to come to the yard with us and go for a hack. He came to the yard, we took one of the dogs, he helped me and DD do the jobs and even groomed pony. We went on an hour hack in the sunshine, got an ice cream and then came home. DD loved it! I’m now doing DD bedtime and he’s cooking the dinner so we’ll be able to sit and watch TV together for a bit before I collapse into bed 🤣
 
TrotterR said:
This! I was obsessed with horses as a child and my parents aren’t animal people AT ALL and even if they were, they didn’t have the money to take me riding or for me to have anything to do with horses and I was so desperate. My aunty had two spicy Arabs she’d let me groom and walk around occasionally but I never had any other opportunity and never got to ride. So I feel like I’m living my childhood dream through my daughter and nothing makes me happier than seeing her riding or grooming and running around the yard with her friends and when they all go hacking together it warms my heart…I just love it!
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and this!!! I was exactly the same as you. It wasn't even money so much but my dad was pretty against animals and what he said went.

TrotterR said:
We have had success this evening!!! When we got home from work, my husband had a moan about me being out for ages yesterday and leaving him to do the garden (again) and I said I was sorry I wasn’t there to help with the gardening and asked if tonight he’d like to come to the yard with us and go for a hack. He came to the yard, we took one of the dogs, he helped me and DD do the jobs and even groomed pony. We went on an hour hack in the sunshine, got an ice cream and then came home. DD loved it! I’m now doing DD bedtime and he’s cooking the dinner so we’ll be able to sit and watch TV together for a bit before I collapse into bed 🤣
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excellent. I'm sure he will get the idea, if you can't beat them join them. :D:D
 
It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, which is lovely. It reminds me of me with my mum helping out at the rs when I was younger (we couldn't afford my own) and we are still very close now i have my own child.

Agree though that your OH is perhaps a bit left out, I know hes not horsey at all, when i first met my OH I had a horse (completely given up now) and he would sometimes come as a foot soldier on hacks or watch me ride, but wouldn't want to stick around while I did the chores (as it was smelly apparently) so would sit in the car till I was ready to get on. Could you do that with your husband - get all the chores done then he meets you there at an agreed time so he can watch her ride or walk on a hack with you both? Then go and do something as a family (take a change of clothes to the yard and some wipes) that he enjoys as well be it a nice lunch out, or on Sunday pop a roast joint on before you leave for the yard, and have it cook long and slow, so its ready for when you get back? (Tweak timings if you prefer to eat in the evening so do yard early afternoon then back for a roast, or go somewhere as a family in the morning then he goes home to chill watching TV and you and daughter go to the yard)

Even if he fancies watching TV, get everything done at the yard in the morning, have a nice lunch, watch a film together as a family then if needed you can pop back to the yard after just to finish up

He said about the tip runs - is he feeling hes shouldering all the chores at home on a weekend while you're out having fun at the yard? I am VERY much chores are a shared thing, but possible from his perspective. Could you do some chores before the yard, inc daughter, then yard then you can all relax in the afternoon knowing its all done, or if you wanted to stay at the yard pottering, it doesnt matter as everything is sorted at home

Maybe Friday night for example, have as a chores only at the yard before getting home to have an evening together as a family doing whatever you all enjoy (board games/film/insert other option)

Your relationship with your daughter sounds absolutely lovely (great way of holding off the boy interests starting i had no interest 😂) but the schedule just needs some tweaking
 
TrotterR said:
We have had success this evening!!! When we got home from work, my husband had a moan about me being out for ages yesterday and leaving him to do the garden (again) and I said I was sorry I wasn’t there to help with the gardening and asked if tonight he’d like to come to the yard with us and go for a hack. He came to the yard, we took one of the dogs, he helped me and DD do the jobs and even groomed pony. We went on an hour hack in the sunshine, got an ice cream and then came home. DD loved it! I’m now doing DD bedtime and he’s cooking the dinner so we’ll be able to sit and watch TV together for a bit before I collapse into bed 🤣
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Maybe some of the problem has been that it has been winter weather. My OH is impossible to get outdoors if it is vaguely cold or wet. Fortunately no kids involved so i leave him to it. Now summer is coming you might get some more pleasant family ice cream hacks. Hopefully.
 
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