Husband and horses

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Yes, very similar.

My husband suddenly found himself a work widower whose wife spent any non working time with the horses, and he really struggled with that.

He had always wanted to do things with us as a couple, we'd wanted to travel, I had loved doing things with him at home on the farm, he was on his own with the chores of the property suddenly. I had loved cooking and we'd have interesting dinners with a glass of wine and talk for hours. That all went with my job, and I paid for cleaners and a local private chef/ meal prep service which I could afford and he didn't have to contribute to at all. But apparently sitting alone in a clean house with a microwave heated meal cooked by a stranger and a glass of wine without company was pretty miserable.

He was suddenly much more alone, without the wife he used to enjoy spending his time with, and the couple time he valued.

It took me a while to realise that I'd changed his life on him completely without bringing him along with me, and I'd moved the goal posts totally obliviously, thinking all the money and career success I was having was just fantastic and I could compensate for my lack of time at home through outsourcing everything. And then we could have it all . I realised that if I wanted it to work, I needed to make space for him and our marriage. I put the horses on livery and now don't spend my whole weekends doing horses and nothing else. I do go away with him when I can. We've started hiking, which is so great. We now do gym in the mornings together when we can. And I try to be home on the evenings he's home, so if I'm working until midnight, I'll do that from home rather than the office and spend at least and hour or two with him. And I'm loving being back into cooking and baking. I missed it so much, I have realised.

Thankfully I heard him, took him seriously and made changes, and we are absolutely great. But I knew he was my priority and I wanted my marriage to work, and it came first before the horses or the job.

I hope this doesn't come across condescending as I don't mean it that way but I really enjoy reading posts like this, on this forum and otherwise, I think this level of introspection and evaluation from someone elses POV is a dying art and if more people put effort into achieving it, many marriage counsellors would be fast out of a job

 

[TrotterR]

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, which is lovely. It reminds me of me with my mum helping out at the rs when I was younger (we couldn't afford my own) and we are still very close now i have my own child.

Agree though that your OH is perhaps a bit left out, I know hes not horsey at all, when i first met my OH I had a horse (completely given up now) and he would sometimes come as a foot soldier on hacks or watch me ride, but wouldn't want to stick around while I did the chores (as it was smelly apparently) so would sit in the car till I was ready to get on. Could you do that with your husband - get all the chores done then he meets you there at an agreed time so he can watch her ride or walk on a hack with you both? Then go and do something as a family (take a change of clothes to the yard and some wipes) that he enjoys as well be it a nice lunch out, or on Sunday pop a roast joint on before you leave for the yard, and have it cook long and slow, so its ready for when you get back? (Tweak timings if you prefer to eat in the evening so do yard early afternoon then back for a roast, or go somewhere as a family in the morning then he goes home to chill watching TV and you and daughter go to the yard)

Even if he fancies watching TV, get everything done at the yard in the morning, have a nice lunch, watch a film together as a family then if needed you can pop back to the yard after just to finish up

He said about the tip runs - is he feeling hes shouldering all the chores at home on a weekend while you're out having fun at the yard? I am VERY much chores are a shared thing, but possible from his perspective. Could you do some chores before the yard, inc daughter, then yard then you can all relax in the afternoon knowing its all done, or if you wanted to stay at the yard pottering, it doesnt matter as everything is sorted at home

Maybe Friday night for example, have as a chores only at the yard before getting home to have an evening together as a family doing whatever you all enjoy (board games/film/insert other option)

Your relationship with your daughter sounds absolutely lovely (great way of holding off the boy interests starting i had no interest ) but the schedule just needs some tweaking

DD is the best! I was one of four, which was lovely and I adore my sisters…but I made the decision to only have one child and give her all of my time and energy and I’m so lucky she chose horses and it’s something we can do together and I can live vicariously through her maybe one day I’ll have a riding lesson myself, but for now I get to enjoy watching her ride! And through her I’ve learnt so many new skills: horse care, tacking up, stable management…it’s been amazing for me!
My schedule 100% needs tweaking….i thought I’d mastered the winter, but obviously not! I’m hoping now spring has sprung and I’ve turned out and we have lighter evenings I’ll be able to find a nice balance so that everyone is happier and my time can be split better, fingers crossed!

 

[DabDab]

We have had success this evening!!! When we got home from work, my husband had a moan about me being out for ages yesterday and leaving him to do the garden (again) and I said I was sorry I wasn’t there to help with the gardening and asked if tonight he’d like to come to the yard with us and go for a hack. He came to the yard, we took one of the dogs, he helped me and DD do the jobs and even groomed pony. We went on an hour hack in the sunshine, got an ice cream and then came home. DD loved it! I’m now doing DD bedtime and he’s cooking the dinner so we’ll be able to sit and watch TV together for a bit before I collapse into bed

That sounds ace.
Often it is the working out how to start getting involved with something that is the biggest barrier. Once he gets the hang of how to be involved in yours and daughter's hobby then I'm sure it will all get easier.

We don't do his and hers hobbies in this house tbh - these days it is hard to tell where my hobbies end and OH's start, because it is just an intermingled part of how we do life.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I hope this doesn't come across condescending as I don't mean it that way but I really enjoy reading posts like this, on this forum and otherwise, I think this level of introspection and evaluation from someone elses POV is a dying art and if more people put effort into achieving it, many marriage counsellors would be fast out of a job

That's lovely of you to say and it's not condescending at all. I got a lot of good advice here from people who had been married far longer than me! Whilst you can get a lot of 'kick him to the curb, and choose the horses instead' (actually, interestingly the most of the most vociferous ones in my situation aren't on the forum any more) there are so many posters here who shed different lights on my situation and that really did help. I hope it helps the OP too.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

DD is the best! I was one of four, which was lovely and I adore my sisters…but I made the decision to only have one child and give her all of my time and energy and I’m so lucky she chose horses and it’s something we can do together and I can live vicariously through her maybe one day I’ll have a riding lesson myself, but for now I get to enjoy watching her ride! And through her I’ve learnt so many new skills: horse care, tacking up, stable management…it’s been amazing for me!
My schedule 100% needs tweaking….i thought I’d mastered the winter, but obviously not! I’m hoping now spring has sprung and I’ve turned out and we have lighter evenings I’ll be able to find a nice balance so that everyone is happier and my time can be split better, fingers crossed!

Yep my mum was exactly the same, started completely unhorsey then learnt all the chores while I faffed as a helper at the rs - she thought she may as well get involved than sit there getting cold waiting

Not sure of dd's age, but does she have model horses/play at being a horse (I spent hours doing it over cane and flowerpot jumps as a child as of course i didnt have my own). Is this a side he could get involved in? My dad was unhorsey, possibly watched me a handful of times riding, as he was always working, but he did make me some amazing stables for my model horses (and a Hickstead bank!), is this a project yours could maybe have to surprise her with when you come back from the yard? He can just quietly work away with it when he fancies. Would be a lovely keepsake for her, mine are still in the rafters of my parents garage, no way are they getting thrown out! She may be way too old but the fact you said you were doing her bedtime makes me think shes hopefully still at that age. So lovely shes loving being outside and not glued to a screen like so many children are now.

You may find he will be happy to come to some of the big events (e.g. Hickstead), my OH although not horsey, didnt mind them as you had things like the scurry carts etc rather than endless sj, badminton youve got the non horsey shops. Olympia you have the dogs/performances to break it up for non horsey people. Wouldn't suggest dressage even i cant abide watching it, its a snoozefest Could then do a day out of his choosing.

I'm an only child and your reason for only having one is the reason im only having the one, my mum always said they could afford for me to do all the riding lessons, because they weren't needing to share the costs between children

 

[Traks]

Mum guilt is bad enough and you also have Husband guilt…I know how this feels OP and I’m saddened by the comments suggesting you get rid of him! Relationships are complex and taking a simplistic “get rid of him” view will not help you. I’m glad you’ve found some compromise and my suggestion is to just keep working on this, it will get better

 

[TrotterR]

Mum guilt is bad enough and you also have Husband guilt…I know how this feels OP and I’m saddened by the comments suggesting you get rid of him! Relationships are complex and taking a simplistic “get rid of him” view will not help you. I’m glad you’ve found some compromise and my suggestion is to just keep working on this, it will get better

Definitely! It’s been really helpful and eye opening reading all of the different perspectives. I definitely agree with posters saying that he feels left out and I could see he is happier today before we left for work that he was included last night and not left on his own for hours. I think I’ve just had blinkers on because I’ve been enjoying myself so much, I’d just left him behind without a second thought! We will get through it, I’d never get rid of him…we are a great team really when we’re actually working through things together! I asked him if he’d like to come tonight to the yard again and he’s actually going to walk the dogs with his friend, so I think our conversation has had an impact on him. I’m so glad I posted on here! Who needs marriage counselling when you have HHO?

 

[Highmileagecob]

Fingers crossed for a good spell of fine weather so that the hacks can continue! And full marks to your other half for joining in. Horse ownership can feel a bit of a clique, depending on the yard set up, but if you are on a nice friendly yard, then he has the opportunity to be drawn into the social aspect and be a bit more inclined to see what your daughter is getting out of her hobby.

 

[honetpot]

My husband had a job where he was out of the 16hrs of the day and hardly saw the children, he had to be home before they went to bed so he went in to work early.
Fortunately he is a F1 geek, so his idea of a rest was sitting in front of the TV at the weekend while we went out and did horse things, his only contribution that he made Sunday dinner when we got home. He also likes DIY, so he he wanted to do it he mainly had an empty house.

When we first got my horse just after getting married he did worry I would spend too much time with it, but it worked out.
My tack would be, I used this with my husband, your children are only young once and that time will never come back, and perhaps doing something for his child would be something she would always remember. My daughters knew my husband would be bored at shows but he would do the hay run and sometimes drove them to events, he very good muscle with lunge lines with sticky loaders, but he has no horse awareness at all, he can just about put a head collar on.

I am not a fussy person and the only thing perhaps I can say is some people use livery as a social space, where as in a way I treated as a job, I had being doing it for so long I did the horses, they got ridden and went home, so when he came home from work I was already back. When my daughters were older they shared their horses and sharer did set days so I had an evening off, so that could be a solution.

My sales pitch for the time spent with horses is the children have to be looked after any way so why not do something we can do together and the cost per hour is probably less than taking the the cinema or other activities, and they are outside not bothering him and they get exercise and not sat with some device. Its life training, both my daughters are proactive problem solvers with good people skills because they were used to talking to adults from a young age outside of school.

Before my daughter got pregnant I told her do not expect anyone to help you with child care or else you will be disappointed, make your own plans, fortunately her partner does look after the toddler at the weekend, and her sister will baby sit over night.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I do feel its a tough one, I've not read all these replies and I'm sure there is some great advice. I was "lucky" maybe that my OH is a farmer and so in summer was working crazy hours which meant that my daughter and I were free to spend as much time as we liked playing ponies when she was young and what a lovely time we had!

If i turn this on its head though, If back then my partner and daughter had started going to football or something I had no interest in I'd be happy they had a shared interrest but I think If it were every night and all weekend I'd soon enough feel pretty pushed out.
I do of course know horses need time. Maybe you could just spend the mornings at the weekend at the yard and then do something in the afternoon as a family or something along those lines?