I don’t love my new horse, help?

[Meadow21]

I grew up with my old horse who I sadly lost last year due to cancer. He started as quite difficult and awkward youngster however after a few years he became a dream. I could hack tackless, jump just about anything and I loved every ride. He was rarely silly, only a few times out hunting he’d become a handful. As a teenager and young adult he was awesome and I’d spend hours with him. After his death I bought a young ex racer, he is super talented, way more than previous horse. He filled out and reschooled very easily, jumps nicely and does a very impressive dressage test, all this within 8 months. The issue I have is I just don’t love him like my previous boy. He has buckets of potential, I’ve even had an sales offer from a famous professional rider wanting to buy him for a relative to event. He is the sweetest and quietest horse, a real yard favourite but I just don’t really like or love him. I care for him well, he gets groomed daily, good quality feed, regular vet/dentist and physio (he is known as the pampered boy on the yard). With my old boy I’d never mind spending the money, however now I feel bitter about it at times. Has anyone ever experienced this? I feel guilty that I don’t love him when everyone else seems to.

 

[Nasicus]

How long after you lost your first horse did you buy your new one? Sometimes we need more time to grieve than we realize, before we're ready to love another.

 

[Annagain]

I get it.

17 years ago I lost my horse of a lifetime. We'd been together since we were both 13 and I lost him when we were 27. I'd been through everything with him. I then bought Archie. For a good two years, Archie couldn't do anything right, bless him. I always compared him unfavourably to my old boy, never felt right with him. The only thing wrong with him really was he wasn't my old boy.

Two years ago, Archie retired and 18 months ago I bought Charlie. Now he gets compared unfavourably to Archie and can't do anything right despite not doing anything wrong. The only thing wrong with Charlie is he's not Archie. In the last two weeks, he's started whickering at me when I arrive and leaving his tea at night to give me a goodnight kiss. My heart is starting to melt.

8 months is nothing. Give yourself time.

 

[AandK]

Sounds like he would be easy to sell, find him a home where he will at least be liked and appreciated. If you begrudge spending money on him, then I think it's time to move him on. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it makes me sad to see the comment "but I just don’t really like or love him".
ETA, I get it when you have had an amazing horse. I bought my 9yo not long after retiring my 25yo 3yrs ago, which I struggled with. It took me a long time to get over it (even though he is still here, just can't ride him!) and to stop comparing the new boy to my retiree, who I'd had since a 5yo. But I never once thought I didn't like him.

 

[ihatework]

I’d sell.
I’ve had the odd very nice horse in their own right, that I just didn’t have enough love for. Which is fine if you are a pro and it’s your job, but as an amateur they kind of have to be one step more imo.

 

[paddi22]

He sounds like a gem. What you are feeling is so natural and common. What happens when someone gets a new horse and loses an old one, is that you kind of cut yourself off from it mentally for a few reasons including
- protection from being hurt again
- still grieving so just don't have the capacity to give love at that moment
- guilt that if you do love it you are somehow being disloyal to your old horse, or replacing/forgetting him

Love grows. you often don't just buy a horse and be in love instantly. it's a relationship that has to grow, so give it time and no pressure. Stop overthinking and start writing down things you are grateful for with the horse. He sounds like a gem, he's totally changed career, got a new owner and new life and seems to be trying his best and is a nice character.

 

[katastrophykat]

I struggle with this- I’ve had a couple of heart horsesand others that I just don’t click with. I’ve moved some on, kept a couple for longer than I should have, but found that if there’s a chance that I can draw comparisons between the (now rose tinted) loved and lost one, and the existing one, the existing sometimes- unfairly- falls short.
I’ve found that the current two ponies now fall into the heart horse category- one bought after much deliberation at 4 months, came home after weaning and foal shows… and the other was an impulse after an accident with my competition horse resulting in serious injury.
Both came as youngsters giving me time to warm up to them and mold them into what we wanted them to be, and both were young enough that they could be chucked out for a few weeks in the summer when I needed a break. That gave me time to breathe and not make a snap decision.
They’re also the opposite of my usual ‘type’ (as in, 12hh Welsh A’s rather than 16hh bay sports horses!) which has helped.
I took a bay Welsh mare for a few weeks during lockdown, she’s the size of my old Sec D, the colour of my old competition horse and with the markings of my first heart horse- I couldn’t see past the comparisons and what should have been with me as a light hack, no pressure, turned into me finding fault after fault knowing it wasn’t her at fault at all- it was me- and eventually sending her back (to her loving owners!).
Give yourself a break and him a chance, and if it’s not right after that, move him along.

 

[Meadow21]

I think I potentially purchased him too early, a year after I lost my old boy. I owned my previous horse for 12 years, loaned him for 5 years prior. So overall 17 years together, which is the majority of my life (I am 28). My new boy is very well cared for, I am just hesitant to sell him as I am hoping that I will come to love him like my previous boy. He is also such a beautiful character, I think like people have said I keep comparing him to my old boy who I just miss so much.

 

[milliepops]

He sounds like a gem. What you are feeling is so natural and common. What happens when someone gets a new horse and loses an old one, is that you kind of cut yourself off from it mentally for a few reasons including
- protection from being hurt again
- still grieving so just don't have the capacity to give love at that moment
- guilt that if you do love it you are somehow being disloyal to your old horse, or replacing/forgetting him

Love grows. you often don't just buy a horse and be in love instantly. it's a relationship that has to grow, so give it time and no pressure. Stop overthinking and start writing down things you are grateful for with the horse. He sounds like a gem, he's totally changed career, got a new owner and new life and seems to be trying his best and is a nice character.

all of this.
i have experienced something similar and found that i could DECIDE to start to like the horse. everything changed then! i hadn't realised that i was holding back something myself. if you have a nice horse that ticks all your boxes, perhaps that's the next step.. let him in

 

[paddi22]

Your post contained quite strong emotions, would would make me swing towards thinking it's a grief reaction. Otherwise your post would have just said 'I bought a new horse, we don't click, should I sell'. when you mention words like bitterness and guilt, they are often signs of grief. You don't need to love a horse instantly. you have been through such a rough time losing a horse that was a much-loved member of your family, why not just enjoy having a safe fun ride and getting out enjoying yourself. if you still feel the same way in 6 months time rethink it then.

 

[Annagain]

I think I potentially purchased him too early, a year after I lost my old boy. I owned my previous horse for 12 years, loaned him for 5 years prior. So overall 17 years together, which is the majority of my life (I am 28). My new boy is very well cared for, I am just hesitant to sell him as I am hoping that I will come to love him like my previous boy. He is also such a beautiful character, I think like people have said I keep comparing him to my old boy who I just miss so much.

When you grow up with a horse, you have a different relationship with them. None of my other horses will ever be Ebony. He saw me through all my 'firsts' and that made our relationship so so special. I'll never feel the same way about the others as I do about him. But I (now) love them all in their own ways.

Archie just gets me. He knows when I need a 'hug', when he can push the boundaries and when to not even think of it. I love how much he needs me - he calls to me when he sees me, hears my car coming up the lane and is at the gate before I am and will happily leave his tea for a cwtch with me. Monty (share horse, not mine so I've never really let him in in the same way, although he was the best one to ride) is just such a gentle soul who looks after everyone I trust him like no other horse.

Charlie is so cheeky and playful and is just starting to show signs of proper affection after 18 months. For the first time, in the last couple of weeks, I've started to see me still having him in 20 years' time (even though that was the plan, I couldn't actually see it). It's taken that long though. I thought it would be easier having Archie still around as the guilt of loving another after losing him wouldn't be there but it's been harder as I can still go to Arch for my cwtches and he's become even soppier since Charlie arrived which actually made the guilt worse, like I'm depriving him of something if I give it to Charlie.

Your new one won't ever be the same as your old boy but a different relationship isn't a bad one.

 

[MuddyMonster]

He sounds like a gem. What you are feeling is so natural and common. What happens when someone gets a new horse and loses an old one, is that you kind of cut yourself off from it mentally for a few reasons including
- protection from being hurt again
- still grieving so just don't have the capacity to give love at that moment
- guilt that if you do love it you are somehow being disloyal to your old horse, or replacing/forgetting him

Love grows. you often don't just buy a horse and be in love instantly. it's a relationship that has to grow, so give it time and no pressure. Stop overthinking and start writing down things you are grateful for with the horse. He sounds like a gem, he's totally changed career, got a new owner and new life and seems to be trying his best and is a nice character.

This is great advice if you do want to persevere.

It took me a long time (probably like 2 or 3 years) to really feel like I'd bonded with my current boy. I've had years now & he's the best thing since sliced bread in my eyes but the early days weren't the instant bond, fall madly in love & take on the world together like it's so often perceived.

It's also OK to want to pack it in too, if you're no longer enjoying having horses.

Big hugs.

 

[Flame_]

This is a hard one. I was a bit traumatised by the loss off my last horse (9 year old, absolute gent, 100% honest) to colic. It took me getting on for a couple of years to get attached to my current horse, who I bought when he was 4, but I always had the inclination that he'd be perfect to me when he grew up and we got it together. I kept him, he's now almost 11 and he is absolutely bang on the right horse for me.

However, going back a few years, I had a mare who was a nice sort, had a lot going for her, etc. She never really grew on me and her issue with traffic never improved. I just sold her after a couple of years and barely felt a thing other than it was a bit of a shame and some wasted time.

Wrong horse, right horse? Is he the right horse, you're just not in the right mindset yet, or is he just the wrong horse, full stop?

 

[throwawayaccount]

Echoing others, sounds like grief plays a part in the words you’ve wrote- completely understandable. It can take ages or sometimes no minutes at all to gel with a new horse.
when my gelding died (also due to cancer) I jumped in and bought another gelding straight away simply because he was the same colour and breeding. He was great at first but slowly turned into a pain in the backside. I spent thousands finding out what was “up” with him but it was actually me. Mentally we no longer clicked and so I sold him on. I then gave up horses apart from my old mare,
then my mare died and after a few months I jumped the gun and bought another mare who I LOVE and is my best friend.
I always desperate for another gelding though.
a few years later I’ve now found the most perfect gelding and I love him to pieces.
maybe give it time in your situation, but equally don’t be worried if you have to take another path. X

 

[Red-1]

I would sell.

I have had a couple where I simply didn't feel the love. Then I have sold, and bought another, where I do. Sometimes the other isn't, on paper, half the horse of the sold one, but there is something about them that makes me want to go out into the cold at 6am to see them.

I have only ever been relieved when I have sold one where I didn't feel the love. I love when I see how well they are doing with their new owners, especially when it is obvious that the new owners DO feel the love.

 

[meleeka]

He is also such a beautiful character, I think like people have said I keep comparing him to my old boy who I just miss so much.

This sounds like you do like him, you just don’t have any emotional attachment. That’s perfectly normal considering you are still grieving for the one you lost. You need to make a point of not comparing them. They are/were individuals and comparing them is just not helpful or fair. If you must compare, then compare him to what your old one was like in the beginning, without the benefit of years of trust gained.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

This is why I bought a foal. I knew I would need a focus but not something ready to ride. Something I could mould into what I needed and wanted and who would grow on me without the riding pressure and to give myself time to forget what riding the same horse was like.

Kia was PTS Nov 2018 and now I’m backing my Foal (now 4) who I bought Oct 2018. He’s honestly exactly what I needed him to be and definitely has a place in my heart alongside my old boy.

If he’s not what you want then I would sell him. If you think you need time then take it and ride school horses or a loan/share and give yourself time

 

[teddy_]

I would also sell.

My most recent horse was delivered on the same day I lost my precious boy.

I did not enjoy the six months I had with the new horse. Now I am horse-less, I can see clear as day that I am not ready to love another horse, yet.

If you persevere, you risk having the enjoyment sucked out of horses.

 

[Reacher]

I would give it longer - say 12 months. Then you can make a decision.
I didn’t think I could love another horse like my one from my teenage years. When I bought current horse I thought I’d made a mistake for a good 6 months. He is my 2nd horse of a lifetime and is priceless to me.

 

[pistolpete]

When you change the way you look at things. The things you look at change. If you sold him how would life be? No horse to ride? Do you think you need a break from horses. I think you have a classic case of overthinking. As someone else has wisely suggested. Decide you love this horse. Make an extra effort to enjoy him. Take him hand grazing. Go do some Liberty with him. Try something new a bit of agility horse archery anything. He sounds lovely and I think you’d regret parting with him unless you genuinely want to give up.

 

[Cortez]

Speaking as a wizened old professional who has never felt the need to love any horse that I'm riding, I think you need to assess exactly what it is you require in a horse. If this horse isn't what you need then selling it and looking for another would seem to be a sensible thing to do. Perhaps someone should set up tinder for horses?

 

[sbloom]

If you decide to keep him for longer maybe write down small wins/progress/lovely moments at the end of every day? I definitely think that being in the right mind set should help, and this sort of journalling is proven to keep/develop a positive mind set.

 

[The Irish Draft 2022]

Op don’t let emotions decide a decision for you. I was heartbroken when I had to give up loan horse and when I bought my own horse I actually hated my horse for 2 years. A reality check when I almost lost her to colic made realize how silly and bitter I was acting . It made me realize how much I loved her and how I was overthinking.

 

[Shilasdair]

Your post contained quite strong emotions, would would make me swing towards thinking it's a grief reaction. Otherwise your post would have just said 'I bought a new horse, we don't click, should I sell'. when you mention words like bitterness and guilt, they are often signs of grief. You don't need to love a horse instantly. you have been through such a rough time losing a horse that was a much-loved member of your family, why not just enjoy having a safe fun ride and getting out enjoying yourself. if you still feel the same way in 6 months time rethink it then.

I think you need to think of the two horses completely separately - and I agree with paddi22 that you are still in the raw grief stages for your old horse.
Have you tried the Blue Cross pet bereavement service? Might help.

 

[Laurac13]

My first horse was and always will be my horse of a lifetime. I love my current horse although he’s retired aged 10 years and is a real sweetheart I don’t feel the same amount of love of the first one. Maybe give it time. We always think fondly of our first boyfriends and never forget them maybe it’s the same for our first horse?

 

[Loveponies]

Although ev eryone is different grief usually takes at least two years before you can really start to heal. I think you need to take the pressure off and the love will grow.
I never thought I could love another the way I loved my childhood pony but I do - it probably took me a good two years though.
He sounds lovely and I think you would regret selling.
Best of luck

 

[July dreamer]

I'd say give a bit more time, it's hard for a new horse to replace a much loved horse.

I had a horse I adored. After 2 years he went lame with navicular and his days out competing and jumping came to an end. So I semi retired him and bought a just backed 5 year old. A lovely, sweet, perfect for me horse but I just didn't feel for him the way I felt for my old boy. After 3 years I decided to sell new horse (I still had my old boy), wrote out the ad for H&H but never sent it off (this was mid 80's). The following year I had to have my old boy pts which left me with new boy who I still couldn't feel much for. At one stage I didn't even ride him for over a year, he lived out with others and I went and fed/checked him twice a day but I just didn't really spend time with him. But then I started riding him again and realised what a good horse he was, perfect hacking alone or in company, would walk, trot, canter or gallop, whatever I wanted. I started going out competing, just locally but he did dressage or, his favourite cross country. I found that actually he was a lovely horse and I grew to love him very much. I rode him until he was 26 and he lived to 35. When he was 29, having not ridden for 3 years, I bought my current boy, a 4 yo cob who has had some health problems (he's now 20) but this time I was prepared. I knew that I wouldn't feel for the cob the way I felt for the old one straightaway, but now I do.

If your new horse is sound and sane and is capable of doing all you want from him, I would give it a few more months. It's difficult to find the perfect horse, let alone the perfect replacement horse. I'm sort of looking for a younger model myself and I'm dreading it.

 

[Equi]

Love grows. I lost my boy nearly a year ago and got my new one 3 months later. For a long time I felt the same and he is still not anywhere near the same as my old lad (despite being very similar and a very good boy) but I think sometimes the struggle with my old lad made me feel closer to him. I’m enjoying not having the daily struggle and stress of a sick horse but it’s left me just getting used to a normal horse who I don’t have to be so paranoid about - the emotional rollercoaster so to speak. I’m not going to sell I would never sell him even if I really didn’t like him because he is perfect for me and what I want to do but it will just take time and one day your horse will really look after you or do something and you’ll realise you actually do care about them.

 

[I'm Dun]

I’d sell.
I’ve had the odd very nice horse in their own right, that I just didn’t have enough love for. Which is fine if you are a pro and it’s your job, but as an amateur they kind of have to be one step more imo.

I hung on for well over a year longer than I should have, because she was just so nice. It didnt matter how nice she was, she just didnt do it for me. I sold her, bought a new one on a whim and worship the ground he walks on

 

[milliepops]

If you decide to keep him for longer maybe write down small wins/progress/lovely moments at the end of every day? I definitely think that being in the right mind set should help, and this sort of journalling is proven to keep/develop a positive mind set.

This is so true. I find it really helpful.