I want to compete. Mum doesn't care.

wkiwi

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This isn't another one of those 'wind-up' threads is it?

You have put that you went to your first show yesterday, yet you posted previously that you and your horse "showjump together and compete" and that she is "Absolutely fine at shows, will stand at the trailer for hours."

Doesn't quite add up???
 

Nari

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This isn't another one of those 'wind-up' threads is it?

You have put that you went to your first show yesterday, yet you posted previously that you and your horse "showjump together and compete" and that she is "Absolutely fine at shows, will stand at the trailer for hours."

Doesn't quite add up???

That's what I thought, this thread really doesn't tie up with her only other one. Makes me question her honesty and feel quite sorry for her mum.

OP maybe spending some time learning how to hack your pony would be a good plan? If she was fine for your mum to hack that would suggest she isn't that terrified of anything with an engine, particularly if she isn't bothered by cars & lorries on a show ground or when travelling. Get that right & maybe you could hack to some shows, or to other yards for a lift.
 

shanti

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She is 14 a teenager I am sure most people thought there parents were being selfish or unfair at times especially at that age.

Yes, very true. As a teenager I thought my mum was selfish and horrible because she wouldn't let me go out with older boys and get drunk every weekend...... She did buy me a horse, pay for its upkeep and take me to shows occasionally, even though she was scared of horses. Yet my unappreciative and nasty teenage self still called her selfish.
 

SO1

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Competing is time consuming and expensive and if your mum does not share your passion for it she may not want to pay or spend her spare time watching you. Frustrating for you I know but you need to understand that unless your family is very rich your mum may have had to make sacrifices so you can have your pony so is probably not that selfish. What about your Dad is he around and could he help if your mum is too busy or does not want to?

Is it selfish perhaps of you to ask your mum to take you to competitions when she says she does not have time? If your Dad is working and still with your mum perhaps she enjoys spending a bit of time with him at the weekends?

Are there any competitions within hacking distance, do you keep your horse at a yard? Is there anyone who would be going to similar competitions who would like some help in return for a lift or who might be able to share some transport costs with you.
 

criso

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I have to say I sympathise with the OP, most people at that age don't necessarily want to be a happy hacker but want to get out and have fun, I know I did.

It's not just about the money either, lets say they did get a part time job to pay for transport and entries, I still think at 14 without a parent or other responsible adult, they would struggle.

I don't have transport at the moment and my regular transporters are brilliant and effectively act like grooms but I suspect they would not want to take a minor unless an adult came along.

My parents weren't horsey and weren't much help (though did come and watch when they could) but I grew up at a time where no one thought twice about bundling half a dozen ponies into a lorry, the kids into another partition and taking us to a show. We would be there all day with ponies tied up to the lorry. God knows what the driver did all day, beer tent probably. Or we would hack 3 or 4 miles. A troop of us on roads, dual carriageways for parts of the way aged between 10 and 15. That just wouldn't happen now so the OP is much more dependent on an adult to help out.

If it was reversed and Mum was really competitive and pushing a child into competing when they didn't want to, would we be more sympathetic.
 

spookypony

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While I have sympathy with your competitive spirit, I think you should apologise to your mother for putting her down on social media. Age, certainly when it's as much as 14, is no excuse for being this rude and dismissive to someone who already appears to be providing you with benefits that so many can't have.

Going out and doing loads of 80cm or 90cm SJ classes now might have some benefits for your confidence, but honestly, I can't see it having any significant impact whatsoever on your future as a rider, professional or amateur, once you are an adult.

I would suggest concentrating on becoming the best horsewoman you can be, by investing your spare cash in lessons and horse management training, and perhaps sit down with your instructor and your parents to plan strategically for a few competitions each season.
 

SWE

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I can kind of sympathise with you despite coming from what sounds like a very different background. All I wanted to do at your age was compete and had to work my ass off to buy my horse, compete and help towards costs.

I think you're probably very frustrated and that has come across in your post, but to me it sounds like (I may have misinterpreted it) that your mum does have the money/resources/time to take you competing, she just chooses not too, am I right? In which case I can completely understand your frustration. There may be 100 other things that you haven't mentioned e.g do you help out at home/ why it is your mum isn't working etc.... Which could all paint a very different picture, but if it is the case that she 'doesn't want to', then I get it.

I mean if I had kids I would be all for allowing them to follow their dreams and helping them get there (albeit teaching them to earn it in the process!), isn't that what parents should do??!
 

SO1

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Do you have access to video camera and jumps, sometimes interdressage do a freestyle video jumping competition. I know it is not the same as going out somewhere to compete but it might be worth having a go.

https://www.interdressage.com/
 

Cowpony

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Your mum's reluctance to take you out may be something as simple as being too nervous to drive a lorry/trailer. Many adults are, although that may be surprising to a child. Or it may be the cost. Or that competing takes up the whole day and she has other things to do. Part of growing up is developing the ability to talk to people in an adult way, so why don't you sit down with her and ask her? Not in a whiny, demanding way, but in a positive wanting-to-understand way. Maybe you can negotiate on chores or costs as others have suggested. Be a bit understanding. Maybe your mum feels she is already spending a lot of time and money on your pony, and feels she deserves a bit of "Me time". That's not unreasonable. Do you have siblings? Maybe she wants to give them some time too.

What I'm trying to say is that it could be any one of a number of reasons, but you won't know until you ask her and have a grown up conversation about it. Bear in mind that parents have needs and desires and ambitions too, and sometimes a compromise is needed.
 

Shay

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I'm just really aware that OP is a 14 year old. We known nothing of her family situation, her current position or her background. Nothing that has been said is wrong - but it is an adult perspective on something that for a young person can seem catastrophic.

I know we warn young people over and over about the perils of social media and online bullying. No response is seeking to bully of course. But I suspect it doesn't feel like that to the OP. I'm ages old now - but I do remember what it felt like to be so desperate over something. And how hurtful it can be to be told that we were out of line.

If this were Pony Club or Church I would be worried about OP right now. And I am. I know this is an adult and unrestricted forum. And technically we bear no responsibility. But morally / ethically - can we bear in mind OP is a child?
 

Keith_Beef

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Your mum's reluctance to take you out may be something as simple as being too nervous to drive a lorry/trailer. Many adults are, although that may be surprising to a child.

I'd not thought about potential nervousness concerning towing. I know that I'd not want to tow a trailer of any size at all without having a couple of lessons and some practice.

It's one thing to drive a car, an Alvis Stallwart, a tractor or a caterpillar-tracked digger (I've done all those), but a completely different thing to tow a trailer and to reverse with a trailer.
 

siennamiller

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I'm just really aware that OP is a 14 year old. We known nothing of her family situation, her current position or her background. Nothing that has been said is wrong - but it is an adult perspective on something that for a young person can seem catastrophic.

I know we warn young people over and over about the perils of social media and online bullying. No response is seeking to bully of course. But I suspect it doesn't feel like that to the OP. I'm ages old now - but I do remember what it felt like to be so desperate over something. And how hurtful it can be to be told that we were out of line.

If this were Pony Club or Church I would be worried about OP right now. And I am. I know this is an adult and unrestricted forum. And technically we bear no responsibility. But morally / ethically - can we bear in mind OP is a child?

Agreed. I’m surprised at thhow way people have spoken to this child, did you never behave in the wrong way when you were 14? I don’t even think she is being a brat, yes she’s lucky, but lots of us want to go out competing with our horses, why shouldn’t she?
 

Toby_Zaphod

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OP is 14 years of age so I am trying to understand how she is thinking. Her pony presumably has been bought for her. The livery, whether full, part or DIY is paid for, presumably by her family as I doubt if she is employed by anyone who would pay her that amount of money weekly? She says she pays for competing, entry fee, first aid & transport, presumably with money which has been supplied by her family. As for doing chores for cash to pay for trips to shows, possibly her family cannot afford to do that?

There are many people with a pony/horse who haven't got transport. Transport is expensive to buy & run & so they do not get to shows as often as they would like. If you buy a trailer then you need a large vehicle that has the power to pull it. Insurance, tax & fuel instantly become a financial issue. Hiring a lorry or trailer, assuming you have the vehicle to tow is very expensive so I presume the OP gives a few pounds to a friend who is going.

I don't know the financial situation of the family but I feel that this child seems somewhat spoiled. She's got a pony, livery all paid & now she's moaning because Mum doesn't want to or can't afford to buy her transport & commit her weekends to driving her about. She says her Mum didn't come to see her at the show. She posted this on Monday so the show was Sunday when she's already said her Mum is committed to rowing on Sunday mornings. This girl wants all this now. Very nice, but if Mum cannot afford it she'll have to wait till she's older, working & earning then it is her decision what she wants to spend her money on.

Quote "(By the way my mum doesn't work, the only thing she does that is scheduled all week is rowing on a Sunday morning) I thought this when I was 14. The fact that the house was clean, the laundry was done, food was cooked & on the table, fridge was stocked etc never entered my head. My mother didn't work either but but all above was done?


I know she's only 14 but I don't have a lot of sympathy with her the way she is bad mouthing her mother.
 
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BethanT

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I don't think your mum is being selfish at all.

It costs an awful lot of money to go out and compete - whether you have your own transport or not. To hire someone for the day could cost anywhere upwards of £70 a go, and to run your own methods would be a lot more.

I also assume your mum paid for your pony and all the general running and upkeep? Money is hard to come by, and there may well be other money issues at home you don't know about, because why would you? She could be protecting you from knowing about things like that.

I never competed when I was your age, I managed to get lifts when I could but that was very little. Or I hacked to shows. Might have meant an hour ride there and then back, but my god was my pony fit!

You are incredibly lucky to have your own pony, many other young girls wouldn't. I didn't get my first pony until I was 14, and I had to make my own way to the stables and do everything myself as mum was disabled. I would have loved for her to come down, and even just be able to hack out with me!

On the other hand OP, don't feel like your riding abilities are limited just because you aren't competing, you can still train for all the same things. I certainly never felt my abilities were diminished because I wasn't competing.
 

rara007

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About 10!?!? years ago I posted something very similar on here. I was desperate to do 'stuff', got the school bus with kids who were off to BSJA as it was then every other weekend and having a great time. I felt like the dunce because I would go to the local unaff show for my birthday present and xmas present. Hold on in there, as much as 3 years until you can take your driving test and subsequent trailer/HGV tests seems like a lifetime away, it really isn't. Check with your mum there is nothing she would rather do competitively- I changed from Unaff SJ to driving trials that reignited some of for me Dads enthusiasm. Would she enjoy TREC more maybe? Yes, it's not your SJ, but it's still getting out and about. Are there any local riders who might appreciate a keen young groom? Again, not you competing but gets exposure. Now aged 26 there's rarely a week I don't go out to something- I have my own income and access to both a lorry and a trailer- and the same pony I had when I made the post much like this! My family sometimes come to watch if it's local and flashy enough, I have a small band of really supportive friends (thanks to HHO!) who are more often my ground team. It's really hard to see at this age, but honestly, competing now or not is not life changing, you're a grown-up a much longer time than you are a teen. Enjoy what you can with your pony and in a few years everything will have panned out if it's what you really want.
 

TGM

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What a constructive, sensible and inspiring post, rara007! Hope the OP will follow some of your suggestions.
 

coss

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I was lucky enough to own a couple of ponies when I was 14 - I however couldn't compete as everything was a long way (further than an hour and all main road) so hacking not an option and I didn't have any transport. Occasionally friends would offer me a space in their horsebox but it was extremely rare - maybe once a year even if they were out fortnightly or weekly. I did go to shows with my riding instructor a lot to help on the ground. Meant i could learn a lot from the ground and great experience. After years of helping and I was at uni I was offered a loan horse on the proviso it was kept with the riding instructor (summer holidays) and since I'd helped a lot over the years that was the arrangement and I got to take the horse to competitions with her and allowed a further set number of competitions that were solo outtings. For that I am greatful! Only into my 20's could I afford a bigger car and my own horsebox so that I could compete my own horses (at at the time loan horses too).
Enjoy what you can do with your pony now and take on any voluntary roles you can - help out at competitions or help groom for riders as one day you will be able to compete and you'll really appreciate how much goes on behind the scenes to provide the competitions for you!
I see a lot of riders "give back to the sport" after retiring, how about giving to the sport (and learning from it in the process) now whilst you can't compete.
 

ro-ro

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I remember feeling like this at your age (although I didn't have my own pony either back then, just other people's to ride), but if it's any consolation, I look back now and think it was character building!
Lots of my friends whose parents were really interested and supportive seemed to lose interest in their late teen years, whereas I was so determined that one day I'd be able to have my own horse and compete etc that I made it happen through sheer will power and a bit of stupidity.
I know it seems like forever away now, but soon enough you'll be able to do it yourself, and it will be so much sweeter when you have done it with no help!
Your mam isn't obliged to take you out competing (it's tedious, cold and boring if it's not your thing!), so try to cut her some slack and do some online comps/ groom for friends/ learn everything you can until you're able to finance and sort it yourself.
My mam has never seen me ride and didn't even know which one was my horse (who I've had for 15 years!) last time she visited, and in some ways I think it makes what I've achieved better. I did it all myself!
x
 

Notimetoride

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I have to agree with a lot of others I'm afraid.
I come from a totally non horsey background. We lived in a 3 bed semi in the middle of a housing estate. Both parents worked (for fairly low wages) and money was tight. I had Saturday jobs to pay for 'luxuries' as my parents would/could only buy me the essentials. I used to look after and ride other people's horses who were within cycling distance from home. Only ever did 1 or 2 competitions as a riding stables. My 1 pair of rubber boots and jods were second hand. I dreamed of the day I could have my own horse but had to wait until my 20s before I got my own.
The problem with society is that everyone thinks they are entitled. You seem to be blessed with what you have, but it sound like that isn't enough for you. I'm afraid you need to respect your mums opinion/decision and accept it. I think you'll find your mum does far more for you than your realise, but you poss won't be aware until you have your own family.
So for now you need to respect your mum and be grateful. Re competing, I'm sure you can tag along with others once every so often. When you're older you'll appreciate it more as it wasn't handed to you on a plate and you had to wait.
I'm in my 40s now, just beginning my affilliated dressage journey, and I thank God for the opportunities I now have. I've waited over 20 years for this.
 

Yokosmom

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I'm not sure how to respond to you OP, because we don't really have the details. Is it a matter of money? Does mum hate equine events? Too difficult to arrange transport? Not wanting to get sucked down into an endless competition hole on weekends? Has she never gone to any of your events? Or is mum truly one of those people who have lots of free time and have no intention of spending it on anything but themselves (not all mums are great people). We are just getting your side of things OP.

As others have mentioned, I would sit down with your mother and try to get her reasoning, if that is possible. Be calm, not demanding or whiny. Don't try to shoot down everything she brings up. Perhaps you could bargain into going to one or two events a year? If not, you are going to have to suck it up, regardless of whether she is being unreasonable or not. Also, I'm not sure if your father is in the picture, but if he is, have you thought of asking him?

Remember also that many people get into horses much later in life and still manage to event. If you are delayed from competing for a few years it won't be the end of the world, or the improvement in your horsemanship.
 

Lintel

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Agreement with lots of the others OP but the saying "worth waiting for" comes to mind. Perhaps contact local riding schools or equestrian centres May be they could offer some advice or even a job?
 

F&B

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I have to agree with so many others on here. I was lucky enough to get my own pony at 14. I was absolutely ecstatic, couldn't believe how lucky I was. My parents paid for the stable rent, but hay, bedding shoes ect were my responsibility. I had paper rounds, sold Avon & saved every bit of birthday and christmas money. This was such an invaluable life lesson on managing money and I am forever grateful to my parents and pony for that.
 
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You're really lucky to own a horse at all. All of us on HHO are; they are luxuries, not necessities.
Do some chores for people in exchange for trailer ride maybe. Or get a job and hire a trailer yourself?
I'm 17 and have never competed in any discipline so it could be worse for you (not moaning btw. Am happy just to have my ponies at all, I know how lucky I am...I still look at mine in the field and often go HOLY CRAP I CAN'T BELIEVE I OWN THESE BEAUTIFUL ANIMALS. :D )
 
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CJoe

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My mum was not horsey and I was lucky that I helped a family who were, who let me ride their ponies until I bought one of them. To be fair, you are 14, you are not paying all the bills and really you should be over the moon you even have a pony. Game plan for you is to get a little part time job, paperround whatever and start saving like a mad thing, when you hit 16/17 then put that money into transport perhaps and do your own thing.

Failing that, if you do have the money to do an away championship, then arrange it yourself and go with a transporter and tent! - but I imagine this is not the case.....it is time and money for parents and whilst I do understand how keen you are, you need to perhaps speak to mum and ask her if you can do two championships a year and fund them completely yourself???

BTW, I am 48 and it is only since my daughter grew up that I am doing all the things I dreamed of!!
 

gallopingby

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Interesting comments on this thread, as an older person who's grown up children now live away from home I have to rely on friends children to help me out if I want to go to shows etc. There are often people looking for really good jockeys to ride at events - maybe some videos of you riding, online dressage etc would help, often although people are keen to ride at events they aren't up to a good enough level and this only comes with practice. See if you can find someone locally who would like some help, don't expect to be paid but rather learn from the experience and enjoy whatever perks you get along the way. It will help you to achieve your aims in a few years time. Remember competing at shows involves getting up really early - or staying overnight and often getting wet, muddy and tired but you'll have fun as long as you prove reliable and good natured.
 

gallopingby

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Pony problems - remember things work both ways, at 14 my daughter was often reluctant to go to shows, but happy when she won! Now she has children of her own she want them to have the opportunities she had but realises how expensive everything is these days and so her children have to share different activities/interests.
 
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