If you were to sell your horse, how would you describe it?

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Ellietotz

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I sometimes wonder if I had to sell or describe my horse, what would I say? It would probably be along the lines of:

Pretty mare for sale. Genuine in the sense of if she isn't happy or doesn't like you, you will know about it. She can sometimes be cute but doesn't like it if you touch her for longer than she chooses. Loves kisses but beware as she could try biting your face off at any moment no matter how loving she has been up until that point. Good out hacking alone and in company, has two great paces which are jog and gallop really fast. Cracking jump but tends to half halt and bunny hop everything so if you don't mind holding on for dear life, she is perfect for you. Extremely sharp, spooks at everything no matter what speed you are going because if a patch of grass is particularly scary, there is no better way to defend oneself than to stop and shy away dramatically. Somewhat okay to bring in from the field, she always looks so pleased to see you but when she spots the headcollar, her ears seem to just disappear into her head and you will get the cutest scowling face ever. Stands quietly to be brushed and tacked up but don't brush her in the same place more than twice, she doesn't like it. Good for farrier, no good to load, dangerous for kids. All in all, a cracking pony!

:D
 
they are all such characters aren't they.

Hmm. Kira, I think we would have to start with the fact that she is pink, and has a barbie blonde mane (except when she's been outdoors rolling, in which case that is also pink). Enjoys difficult dressage and cuddles, and not a lot else. Except rolling. And cuddles. And probably rolling while having cuddles. Ideal for a person who takes life too seriously because she will make you crack up in fits of giggles about every 5 mins or so, usually while rolling.

Millie's a tough one, "potential" to excel in all areas but has 4 broken legs so not able to partake in any activities. She looks pretty though, so that's got to count for something? (e.g. would make excellent taxidermy project) :D
 
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Wanted: squidgy human with lots of food in pockets for treats and snuggles. Must like being licked, snuffled and dribbled on. Must enjoy both very slow hacking but also going sideways like a youngster and galloping like a pretend thoroughbred. Just don't expect pretend thoroughbred mode when you want it, and definitely don't expect lazy slow mode when you need it. Will have a go at anything as long as it involves food.
 
Angel – pretty much lives up to her name. Turns her hoof to anything and everything. ISH with half a mane, white body with yellow legs and tail. Cuddly and loves stud muffins. Very jealous of Oceanic and will chew his stuff given the chance.

Oceanic – unpredictable Spanish latino (Andalusian). Has the ability to turn from lazy ****** to snorting piaffing stallion in a split second. Loves pulling ugly faces but doesn’t mean anything by it. Loves mud more than a hippopotamus. Doesn’t do jumping.
 
Dutch Warmblood mare, 15 years old.

Well bred, good paces, good to clip, box, shoe, good ground manners.

Hates being in more than overnight, don't even bother trying to keep her in longer, she will climb the wall (literally). Good to catch, unless you try to catch her in before her alloted time, then you have no chance.

Prone to Colitis, cannot eat hayledge. Prone to eye infections in summer, refuses to wear a mask or fringe, or let you put drops in.

Good to ride, if you have a deathwish. Does stop, eventually. Won't take a contact, can't take your leg, DO NOT RIDE WITH A WHIP, can't take any pressure at all. Jumps up to 1 metre, any higher and she just rears. Hacks alone at 100mph, hacks in company at 200mph, don't even bother with large groups, they blow the darlings little brains.

Loves kids, doesn't kick or bite.
 
Archie - loves rolling, hates being brushed. If you can get him clean you can keep him.

Monty - Perfect gentleman, unless you're trying to worm him. Turns his hoof to anything and just wants to please. A very wise man, worth his considerable weight in gold, frankincense and myrrh.
 
Henry: everything is potential food, will put anything and everything in his mouth if you want him to or not. this includes phones, gloves, entire branches... if he thinks you might have food will stalk you, this includes unsuspecting walkers and cyclists. is both incredibly lazy and incredibly spooky. doesn't like being outside, if he thinks you have left him outside too long he will bring himself (and any fences that got in the way) in. has a propensity for weird and stupid injuries such as getting stuck in a water trough and stabbing himself with a tree. however, loves attention of any kind (especially if it involves food) and will give most things a go (just be prepared to give them a go whilst going sideways with eyes on stalks)
 
Older mare - beautiful head and neck. Legs and body much less so. Hugely talented and much ability - but chooses not to let anyone give her any direction, so pretty much useless to anyone - until they have spent 10 years of "bonding" and suicide attempts. Dislikes being clipped, being brushed - tolerates being washed more than being brushed. Dislikes being touched by anyone who is not in her favour - but will immediately change her tune if they have treats in their hands. She is bored very easily - she gets bored of not doing enough work, she gets bored of doing too much work - all boredom will result in stroppy behaviour and attempts at broncing. She doesn't like being ridden on grass - surfaces are acceptable, as long as the time of day is correct, the sunlight is correct and the level of precipitation is not too high. She currently will only allow one person to ride her - but despite all her faults, is an incredibly easy horse to handle, can be trusted with small children (but not chickens, ducks or small dogs - attempted squishing will occur). She will load in any trailer / lorry / cattle truck in any location at any time of day or night. She will travel without making a murmur no matter how dreadful the driver and is always 100% better behaved at shows than at home...

Oh yes... she is a chestnut mare... ;)



Younger mare - breeding is labrador x arab. She will do anything to try and please you - in particular assisting with mucking out chores - feed bowl cleaning is her speciality. She loves to be brushed, loves being clipped, stands for the farrier beautifully - although will give an inattentive person a merry dance around when washing / pickout feet... She is super clever - so takes about 5 seconds to work out new challenges / exercises. She will often be working in the arena for a good 30 minutes before spotting something in a corner and then proceed to have a massive hissy fit about it for 5 minutes, before completely ignoring it again. Apparently travelling to the indoor school after dark makes it much less spooky - both walking from the lorry to the school and working in the school... Who knew... Super hacking horse - but does have to stop and have a picnic break periodically and likes to take a good stare at the scenery at frequent points .



So yes - I have two ridiculously opinionated mares... ;)
 
Polo - Irish mutt who thinks he knows everything (and in fairness probably does) high mileage, won't pass the vet, too many injuries to be insured, will make you smile everytime you do anything with him hence priceless

Stan - precious ex racer, flashes of brilliance mixed with enough stubbornness he'll make you cry often! And every time you want to give up he'll show you just a taster of what he can do and be back in your good books! Great to hack, will die before going over a coloured pole!

Magic - S&*tland - enough said !
 
Lovely 14h chestnut and flaxen maned cob gelding, who thinks he's in a l'oreal advert whenever you're stood near him. Good to groom, and catch. Great with kids but pansies about for the trimmer, but nothing malicious. Will do anything for carrots. Anything. More than anything. Good to hack alone or in company, though occasionally teleports a foot sideways for no apparent reason. Does not like squirrels. Has turned his hoof to dressage, thinks poles are something to be glared at, never mind this jumping lark. Severe bribery needed for puddles. (See carrots for details.)
 
Gypsum -- 23 year old Shire TBX mare requires slave to keep her in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed. Must be turned out when she wants and brought in when she wants. Doesn't play nice with others and requires a pet horse no one, including humans, touches, ever, or failing that, individual turnout. Don't even think of keeping her at a yard with 24/7 turnout. Works up to elementary/medium dressage so long as the rider has some degree of competence. Plods around like an on the forehand donkey if they don't, but at least won't try to kill anyone unless she is in season. Typical schoolmistress: thinks her primary job is keeping the rider on board. If she thinks the rider isn't capable of riding any given gait, she won't do it (unless she is in season, in which case she doesn't care). Hacks alone and in company. Generally not spooky, although she can teleport when she wants. Hates cows. Loves jumping. Wishes she had an owner who isn't chickensh** t over fences higher than 2'6. Good for farrier/vet. Okay to trailer but requires owner with large trailer/lorry. Just try getting her into a single horse death box. Try it. Go on.
 
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Welsh. Pony. Mare. Good luck!

Joking aside it is more like:

Stunning little mare who had a rough start in life. Good on and off the lead rein. No vices and good with kids, dogs, farm machinery. Can be a typical cheeky pony on the ground so needs firm consistent handling. Good fencing also a must as likes to explore.
 
Show quality fun, cheeky cob mare for sale. She is ten years old and has a fantastic, loving temperament. She is a wonderful girl even though she has a few ridden quirks. She can do dressage and has wonderful paces, her canter is exceptional. She is very good with all traffic except motorbikes and then she just plants. She will not bolt, buck, spin or rear. She is a very good doer. She has never had laminitis and can be shoeless as she has very good feet. She does not get sweet itch and does not have any medical problems. She does not like men as much as women but is civil to both and once she gets to know the person she is very loving. She loves being brushed and stroked. She has lovely feathers which are white so will need a little maintenance. All in all she is very pretty and a safe ride but not suited to a complete novice.

Have to say though, I would never sell her!
 
Pony gelding with stunning good looks just dont stand too close or you will be stunned. Does a mean act as a head basher
Loves children but cant manage to eat a whole one.
Free moving and giving, well prepared to give you a kick in the head then leg it off down the field.
Very loving loves you to death if food is available see cant eat a whole child.
Dont show affection to anyone or anything except him if you are his person he will dispense with their services permanently.
Dont feed after midnight and dont allow to get wet

wouldnt ever sell him but he will end his days here probably sooner than later
 
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Oh I think about this too, although I hope I never have to write one!

Older mare:
Superb skewbald schoolmistress who can teach complete novices to ride, always tries her heart out and will step up for an experienced rider. Can be sometimes lazy and needs to feel confidence from her rider to jump fillers otherwise she will put a dirty stop in - She does whinny at you as you fall though, that's got to be a bonus right? Much more forward on grass and enjoys jumping. Not the fastest out on a hack, (in fact tends to be one of the slowest) but for an experienced rider will step up and can be strong in company when cantering/galloping - she will mostly pull up though. I have never done fun rides on her as I think she will be a looney, she does not like horses cantering up behind her, unless in a show environment and I value my safety! Will hack alone or in company and is mostly bombproof but can have the odd funny moment and does not like plastic bags. She likes her own space and will need to be stabled separately to all other horses (especially boys). She'll give you affection in her own way but don't expect kisses or cuddles! Likes all types of sweet treats, and cheese and onion crisps, but especially donuts. She WILL try and bite when being tacked up but will always look guilty if she manages to catch you! Excellent doer, can live on literally nothing, and is rarely sick or sorry, has been a great mum. Does not need to be stabled every night but is a typical pink-skinned coloured and can get rain scald and mud fever so does need her time inside. She is a typical grumpy old bag especially coming into her first season of the year and can feel slightly unpredictable at that time (but is on a supplement). Has had tiny children on her and leading her and been amazing. Has done local shows, xc schooling, and come back in the ribbons (although not the best conformation and always loses at coloured classes because her brown bits aren't symmetrical!). Has had bone spavin and a back problem but this has been treated and she had two years off. I suspect she may have to retire early :-(

(I wouldn't sell her - she's now 16 and will hopefully live out her days with me as a big pet once she can't be ridden).

Younger mare:
Pretty loving skewbald filly who is basically a female horse version of Tim Nice But Dim. Not great with strangers, but adores scratches, grooming and cuddles and can get excited when praised or given lots of love (will dance). Can lead, load, pick up feet (most of the time). Freaks out at sprays. Loves mane and tail being pulled and trimmed. Will follow you round field for hours when you're poopicking, very curious at everything and can knock full wheelbarrows over and then look completely innocent. Has been on road walks and seen traffic behind and in front of her, is very brave, won't need much reassurance. Will be a fantastic jumper as she loves jumping over electric fences, bins etc to escape her grumpy horse mother and get into a bit of field that she's not allowed in.

(Older mare's daughter, hopefully for me to grow old on)
 
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Ardennes with one working leg and a nose that can be snogged all day. Steady under saddle unless he wants to go home, then he discovers his inner racehorse (for about 6 strides then he realises gallop is hard work). Turning circle of a container ship. Has an inbuilt homing signal which takes him direct to the feed room. Assumes all feed left out is for him. Requires 3 men and a lot of luck to get him to remove his head from aforementioned feed bins.
 
Summary: Say goodbye to your money

Main part: 8 year old Oldenburg x Connemara usually grey gelding. Potential in dressage, jumping, cross country and showing if you can keep his attention focused. Has jumped up to 1.40m accidentally when he spooked at a 70cm fence.

Very big movement and easy to ride for a knowledgeable rider. Requires a lot of core strength to ride correctly. Very lazy if he can be and will try spooking to get out of working. However ignore this and he will work hard. Use of whip not needed usually and spurs really not recommended.

Good to shoe with some farriers, sometimes good for vet, needs sedated to clip and do teeth, doesn't travel well.

Thinks he is a stallion but has no preference over mares or geldings. Destroys rugs on a monthly basis, don't leave in stable with him. Escapes from electric fencing so ensure the field has a proper strong fence on mains electric as well or else you will find him in a different field.
 
Too big, too soft; a dope on a rope who still doesn't know where his feet are at 5 years old. Sure to run up some alarming vet's bills with ongoing investigations. Eye catching and with good conformation until you look closely and notice the long wither, short back and long shoulder, so you can rest assured you will never, ever find a saddle that fits. Stunning white mane and tail, ideal for trialling expensive grooming products. Really interesting prospect for the farrier and comes with a set of remedial shoes on front. Will never win a penny competing in anything, but guarantees earnings by filming his attempts to take you xc and sending in to You've Been Framed et al.
 
The next one I plan to sell will be advertised as Project Pony - she has what the American's call and 'attitude problem' a shame because pedigree and looks are A1.
 
Gorgeous, easy going ISH with excellent conformation, good to load, travel, will stand quietly on lorry at all times, good to lead, shoe and clip. Loves his hunting, good jump, never refuses. Never kicks or bites, all round nice person. Excellent in traffic, well behaved in company, slightly nervous on own hacking but will go without hesitation just needs more hacking in company! With right rider would do extremely well in showing or competing but numpty owner lets him down! ��
 
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My Appy - Where to start? So many quirks!
15 hands part bred Appaloosa, 17 years young. Loves hunting, has a real heart off gold and is very honest. Will have a tantrum if you decide to turn away from a fence which may involve reversing at speed trying to kick others or rearing up so easier to let him jump. Also may nap back towards hunt if you try to take him home before he has considered himself finished. :D Not nappy at any other time though and 100% to hack alone and in company and in traffic. Hates being clipped - has to be heavily sedated by Vet and sometimes twitched just to get the injection in! Not keen on being washed but will tolerate it, will only load into a big lorry and this takes some persuasion sometimes! Will destroy inside of small lorry if made to go in so not worth it and trailers you have no chance. Hates schooling with a passion but will occasionally enjoy it (no more than once a month though unless you want to go rodeoing!) Has hay fever in summer so needs to wear a nose net and have a pollen supplement, if not happy to see you riding another horse will run at stable door and lean in it and buck. VERY dirty in the stable to muck out. Grooming he likes on his terms and doesn't tolerate any stiff bristled brushes even on his hairy legs! Scared of hosepipes, alpacas and donkeys. Good for farrier and dentist, very people orientated and likes to have a special friend who he becomes very protective over. Is a thug in the field so cannot be turned out with any horses except my other horse.

My ISH - very sensitive, needs to be ridden quietly. can be sharp and is quite a spooky ride. tries his heart out with everything that is asked of him, but always has that little panic mode in there which can still resurface if provoked. absolutely hates people in the distance wearing florescent and bags on sticks (bird scarer sort) and they have been known to make him bolt. Gets very on his toes which can involve some piaffe or sideways canter down the road. Loves jumping but needs someone who will ride him to a fence, he will take you to a certain height/width but loses confidence if not given enough guidance over more challenging things. loves mud and is a right mud monster - completely covers his face which isn't helped by the fact he isn't keen on face being brushed! good with farrier, dentist and good to clip but sensitive around head. loads ok into big lorry, has got better than he was and is better the more he goes out. can use spooking in the school as an excuse if he isn't being mentally challenged enough! easy to muck out as very clean and even poos in piles in the field! Does not like horses being ridden on the left side of him (will canter sideways and lose the plot - nothing wrong with eyesight. Very forward but fun hack, isn't too keen on big lorries though.

And won't even start on my retired mare who at 25 can still hop out of the her field over a 5 bar gate!!

I seem to attract the quirky ones!
 
OK ... :p

Now please can you all quote yourselves and re-write your ads as if you really DID have to sell the creatures!

Marks will be awarded for creativity when compared to the actuality ...
 
Rising 9yrs. 16.2hh bay gelding. Good to shoe, dodgy to load, bad to clip. Only hacks in company. Green at schooling, can fall over the odd pole. Sharp, spooky not novice ride. Grumpy in stable. Open to offers.
 
Prize winning Black Dartmoor gelding, excellent driving pony 12.2 8 inches of bone not a novice pony in any way

But I coould never de dishonest enough to let someone else have to deal with him so it will never happen the first ad was the accurate one
 
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