If your horse had opposable thumbs and the internet....

Caol Ila

Caol Ila

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The "how stupid are horses" thread got me thinking about this and I thought it deserved its own thread. If your horse had use of the internet and was on an equivalent forum where they could moan and ask questions about us, what would he/she say?

I'm pretty sure mine would write this:

"I've been trying to train my human with kindness and patience. I don't try to throw her off, I don't bolt, I don't act spooky. I just quietly and calmly ignore bad behaviour (mainly involving her lower leg and seat position when doing dressage) and respond to good behaviour. I'm just finding it very frustrating at the moment because she's had these same bad habits for years and the quiet calm approach doesn't seem to be working. Then she gets cranky at me when I don't respond. But how many ways can I say, "If you'd sort your leg out, I'd go forward!" short of bucking her off that is, and I really don't think that's the answer as flinging humans to the ground seems to frighten them and make them worse. Otherwise, she is fine on hacks and I don't have any problems with her ground manners. Does anyone have any advice?"
 
Mine likes her food, so doubt she'd bother much with forums, she'd be too busy ordering food on-line. With the occasional foray into forums to talk about 'competing in my day' & pre ban hunting.
Daughters has an air of mischief, she'd probably be either an amusing troll. Or post threads like 'how do I get my human to gallop everywhere, all of the time?' Or 'recommend me gallops to hire' and 'which hunt in my area has the fastest days?'
 
I'm so glad they don't.
Ours would be checking out the stallion talent, ordering feed (on my cards!), doing a bit of online betting on the races and the sheltie would be masterminding some scam or other.
That's when they weren't ruling the world of course:D
 
This from 20 year old Charlie.

Well she's back after she got broken by a pony. Pony pah! Serves her right. Now she seems to think that she can make me into a nicer person by telling me off when I'm eating because I've been glaring at her and waving my fist at her. Just who does she think she is bothering me when I'm eating! For years I've gotten away with this little trick and it keeps all the other two legs away from me, but hey she knows better. Well I'll show Her! I've been doing my best to scare her when we hack out by doing massive spooks at every little think now she's started doing it as well so I now have to put up with her going :eek: eek every few yards and laughing at me :mad: I am a dignified senior citizen and I deserve respect.
 
Mine would say

...... I love jumping, i know everything there is to know! I like to go really fast and go off really long strides as i feel its more fun that way then i can jump it really huge and whizz off really fast on landing. My rider insists on making me wait and now she's bought me a bit called a elevator which is designed to lift me off my forehand. I do not like the sound of this!!! so ive decided the only way forward it to bite her as hard as i can when she puts my saddle on, what do you guys think?
 
My little one would say "I know Im half shetland but I DO NOT like rain, I want a rug like the others are wearing with a nice fluffy neck lining" (PS I have given in and bought her one because she really did look miserable the other day and was so much happier today all rugged up and dry)
 
As mine fancies herself as a human training expert, she would be very busy on fora. She might answer Loulou's horse:

"As much fun as it is to whizz off after jumps, it is not very safe as it can make you and your human very unbalanced and you could injure yourself. I also think biting your human when she puts your saddle on won't help, as humans won't make the connection between you biting and the bit they've chosen to put in your mouth. Their brains just don't work like that. If you start biting, the human may get angry and smack you or worse, she'll think something is wrong with you and call the vet. You don't want a vet visit! While I agree that elevator bits are not what any horse wants, I recommend you make more of a direct connection between your behaviour and the bit, perhaps by throwing your head around whenever your rider uses the reins. And slow down before those jumps!"
 
My pony would write the below:

Who is in the right here, me or my human?
When I met my human I was already fully aware that she kept a "boyfriend" at home. Now at the start of our relationship she spent more time with me than him, but now the winter is coming she is rushing off to spend time with the "boyfriend". Now I know she has other interests and has to share her time, but come on, 4 hours on a Saturday and Sunday morning is all I get, then she spends the rest of the day with him.

I have made my feelings clear by sometimes being difficult. When shes in a rush to get to "him" I dont let her catch me, pick feet, get on etc. Am I in the wrong to want more time with her so she can groom, feed, clean my field, pamper me?
 
Hahaha love this. Mine would be googling top ten hunky stallions whilst also bulk buying food, the best blonde shampoo and a selection of scratching posts. She'd also be writing complaints to the manufacturers of sparkly browbands and pink hi vis and other such items, along with paranoid research into news archives: 'Buses/pheasants/wheelie bins - the dangerous truth'

Oh and on the forums 'my new human has mostly been quite agreeable, she feeds me and brushes me and sometimes makes me pick up my feet, but this has been far preferable to my previous home who I'm sure realised I was destined for this life of leisure, however the other week a curious thing happened and I want your opinions... A man came in to the premises in one of the big blue wheeled things and in the back he had a whole load of those things my old human used to put on my back. He then proceeded to put them on me and lo and behold the human was heaved onto me for the second time in all our interactions. It only lasted ten minutes and has not recurred for some time although I do remember some bits of paper being exchanged... Should I be concerned? I have become quite accustomed to my relaxed lifestyle and am perturbed to think there might be a change in our activities!'
 
"I just don't get it. I mean, I could smell it, clear as you like and it was right next to the path - but did she react? Did she 'eck. They are dumb as dogs, IMO.

And another thing! The big tree trunk that's been there for the last 3 years was GONE this morning, and she didn't even notice? I mean, how clear can it be that there are gangs of predators clearing the area to make their hunting easier?

She's always trying to make me walk on that ice that says SLOW too. That's just silly. When I slip on it and she ends up on the road, who'll be looking stupid then?

What's the obsession with feet? Has she a hoof fetish? Every day, scrub scrub scrub - my hooves are practically worn away :rolleyes:

And the ears. Now that's just a bit weird, isn't? They don't move at all? How am I supposed to know what she's thinking? And then they just get all upset out of the blue. If she'd just twitched an ear, I'd at least have known she was getting upset.

Have you noticed how unstable they are going down steep hills? It's that two legged business. If she'd just use the front legs, she'd be fine, but no, she just totters around on her hind legs thinking she looks smart. And then she gets all upset when I walk along the edges of stuff. I mean, I have four good solid legs, I'm not bothered by cliffs, it's not as if I'm going to lose my balance :rolleyes: Humans are really just a bit limited, aren't they? They're slow too, even when you nip them properly from behind, they just don't run very fast.

Still, the food's sometimes nice. I suppose I'll just keep persisting, and eventually she'll understand what I mean (but they're real slow learners, aren't they? I've lost count how many times I've said "I don't like the gritty powder in my food so leave it out?". Even when I dribble it all over her, so she can lick it off and see for herself, she never gets the message.

They don't understand grooming either. EVERYBODY knows where the itchy bits are? So what's with scratching my underneath with the scratchy thing? Stoopid human! Stick to neck, withers and bum, fgs :rolleyes:"
 
My human is just not understanding my aids - what can I do?

I am giving aids as clearly as I can to my human but she just continues doing things the way she wants to - i think she has gotten into some very bad habits.
At the moment as soon as I get out of my own stable I head straight for my friend's to try and steal some of his much tastier dinner. Failing that I stick my head over another friend's door to eat their net. When i see those lovely treat balls that the others have I push them pathetically around. I unzip the human's pockets as soon as she comes anywhere near me.
She is not getting the message. In fact she has just cut my feed and banned carrots. How can i make my aids clearer before I vanish away altogether?
 
Good question.

Like previous posters, one would be ordering deliveries from Tesco if he could access the internet. On forums he'd probably be searching for livery yards to see if he has the best available deal. He wouldn't need any advice - he knows it all already.

T'other would simply spend his time playing games.
 
Littlun would be trying to work out how to turn the computer on

Sister would be attacking people on forums

Broodie would have thumped computer and broken it

Stallion would be browsing DD for friends (not mares, he'd be far too nervous to approach them himself)
 
Henry would be typing an ad on 'Humanmart', I suspect. Chloe would be asking for advice on forums on how to get her muzzle off and how to avoid having lotions being put on her during the summer months. Both would be taking the piddle out of horses on forums with heavyweight rugs on in October. :D
 
Raggs Is a bit of a diva and very stubborn. She'd be asking advice on how to make her human do what she wants as planting rearing and walking backwards aren't working! And yes before you ask she's had the humans hearing tested and a full doctors examination when she brought me. And all my clothes fit fine :) besides that she'd be on net-a-porter buying red soles Louboutin shoes :) xx
 
My spotty 4 year old would be Internet shopping for food whilst going on Internet forums saying "why is my human obsessed with shaving my hair off and keeping me clean? Does she not know I want to bay like the others"

My other 4yo would be posting "I was happy living in the field with my baby friends and now this new human is suggesting riding me! What's the matter with her? I let her ride me and now it's escalating out of control, she wants to go in this arena thing and make me jump over stuff...why wouldn't we just go round?"

My 2 yo would be saying "why doesn't my human ride me, or clip me? I keep asking but she says I'm too little. What's up with that? I'm waaaaay taller than the other 2 that she rides. I don't think my human loves me, we have no bond :( "
 
Dolly would be hunting through Tesco delivery for carrots, apples and anything ease she can order. whilst saying:

Seriously Depressed State- Help needed

"I need some advice. my human has me in a soggy, wet muddy field with nothing more that a poxy wooden box to keep my feathers clean and dry. she knows i hate mud, its raining non stop and im miserable.

And now, when im muddy and irritated the only time i get my lovely feathers washed off is when she wants to ride me.. does she not understand anything? i want to EAT! and i want a warm bed! and i want that pesky pony to leave me alone.

But no! :rolleyes: now i have to hack because im fat! CHEEK! i am big boned!

so ive subtley tried spinning but she isnt getting the message, when i bucked her off last time i didnt see her for a few days and Grandad said he was going to turn me into Wiskers cat food he said id be worth £20k in cat food..

So i dont think ill be bucking again.. just in case.

What else can i do to show my human?"
 
She would be one of those paranoid Horses. The one that sits on google typing in their symptoms and self diagnosing themselves (we have all done it :p)
 
Mine would be typing her ailments into Google and diagnosing herself as having a week to live. The stress caused by these finding will result in another scarcoid and her 'last Will and Testement' being posted under the feedroom door ;)
 
One of mine is such a genuine and sensitive girl, always keen to please, I think she would ask:

"My human seems to be hobbling rather these days, especially in the mornings. I did wonder whether it was because she has been eating too much of the green stuff but my bf says humans don't eat grass :confused:

I wonder whether she'd be better barefoot, so I'm thinking of getting some nice young gentleman to whip her shoes off - she seemed so keen to do that to me, I'm sure she'll appreciate my attempts to help.

When she comes down later, I'll try to get some photos of her feet - can anyone tell me how to post photos on here please?"
 
Right now Abba would be on the forum questioning why horses need de-wormers. She would go on to say her taste buds are ruined forever and that when my human walks by I sulk in the corner to make her feel bad. When she felt up to it she may order out.

My ex broodmare would be on all the parenting forums giving gentle kind advice. Yet she'd probably also share her experiences of the child she loved the least. The sulker from above.

Heidi would be an antagonist on the forums just for a laugh!

Cupcake, who is only 2, be laughing at all the other babies that are stuck out in mud 24/7 and talk about all the sleep she gets in her big fluffy bed. Probably also laugh at how easy it is to train humans.

Frank. Well he'd be offering tips to older geldings on how to keep the young ones in line. How to play bitey face and always win and how to drive humans mad with ripping holes in your friend's clothes.

Terri
 
Mine would be researching her cattle phobia and feeling really low when she finds out what she is supposed to do with cattle.

The welshies would be ordering food!
 
I would send him an email with a link to the book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway"

I bet he'd watch youtube and get excited because there's another horse!

I think he'd also be on here, reading all the soppy things I've been writing about him, make his own account and say bad things about me :P
 
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