i'm a little annoyed and feeling used

diggerbez

diggerbez

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ok this is a difficult one...really need some advice as not sure what to do for the best....
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have a lady who 'shares' my horse and has done for about 18 months. when the arrangement started she was to ride 3/4 days a week (flexible) in return for paying for shoes and helping me with jobs. now she's been generally brilliant and really helped me out with jobs and stuff. however, it has somehow turned into her riding pretty much every day. i don't really mind but do miss riding my TB (i do have another horse so do get to ride
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) but its got to the point that i feel cheeky for riding him. i've asked her to let me know if she isn't going to be riding but she doesn't do this
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i've recently been thinking (and indeed did post on this a while ago) that i'm paying out a lot of money for a horse i don't use (i pay livery, insurance, vets bills etc whilst she pays for shoes and the odd bag of feed...)
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i've also been doing all of the jobs recently (i like to get them done in the mornings while the boys are eating brekkie) and am knackered all of the time. she told me that she as really busy at work so have been doing as much as possible. on sunday i let a friend ride my TB as her horse is lame and think she was a bit peed off about it but she didnt say anything. then on monday she texted me to say she was ill so i said i would sort him out. didn't hear anything tuesday so assumed she'd be up as normal but when i got there at 7.30pm he was still in the field!! he normally comes in at bout 4pm and i could have got someone to bring him in if i'd known. then i got there today and still she's not there. to make things worse farrier came today and i didn't have her shoe money to pay him so have had to write him a cheque that i hadn't budgeted for writing and asked him not to cash it before i get paid
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i texted to ask if everything was ok and she said she was still ill (sounds like flu) but i did think she might have at least let me know. i'm away this weekend with my 4 year old so said i'd ask one of the girls on the yard to do the TB in case she was still ill but for her to let me know if she would be back up- and i get no reply?!!! what would you do?
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i feel like i'm being used to be honest but she is a nice person but not sure what to think?!
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what do you think?
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difficult one, but I'd say if she has the flu you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. When I had flu NOTHING would have got me out of bed.

When she's better arrange certain days for her to ride, or (if you want) say you'd like to do a full loan at your yard.
 
It does sound a little like she is taking advantage of the situation, though it may be unintentional - regarding her not telling you she was still ill, that does seem a bit off, but maybe she thought that she would text you when she was better & that you would look after horse until then.

Whatever the issue it sounds like you are (understandably) unhappy about the relationship.
Can you ask her to cover more of the bills?

Failing that I think you have to consider selling/loaning the horse if you are not riding him & are running yourself ragged.
 
If it really is flu then she'll be in no fit state to do anything. I'd wait 'til she's well and then have a friendly chat about your feelings/concerns. She may well be oblivious to how you feel about the arrangement.
 
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difficult one, but I'd say if she has the flu you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. When I had flu NOTHING would have got me out of bed.

When she's better arrange certain days for her to ride, or (if you want) say you'd like to do a full loan at your yard.

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oh i totally don't expect her to come up if she's ill
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just would have been nice to get a text letting me know...i've never once had a problem with her not coming up so not sure why she should think i would have a prob this time
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Have to agree with Charlie but having said that, she could have texted you to keep you in the picture. Sounds a little like she had her nose put out of joint when your friend rode. Maybe you could clear the air and speak to her anyway to see how she is and as said above, offer her your horse on full loan.
 
Confront her. Tell her what you've told us and ask for her take on it all.

Apart from, she can't help being ill and its possible that this recent issue is just a mis-understanding - you assumed she'd let you know if she wasn't better, but she assumed you'd think she was ill until she let you know otherwise? I'd let this one go.

Overall though, you need to let her know you feel you're not getting a fair deal and you would like a few changes.
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I think you both need to have a sit down and go over the boundaries again. Over time things change and habits are formed and then there is a falling out. Have a chat and give her the option to continue but with the original rules in place or find someone else. Did you have anything in writing? May not seem that important at the time but is usually a good idea then both sides are clear about what the original agreements were.
 
If she has the flu then she needs to stay in bed, but when she is better you need to sort this.

I would make sure I got the shoe money, then get the arrangement back to what is started at. ie,. she rides 3 or 4 days a week.

If she wants to ride everyday then she needs to either pay you as a full loaner or buy her own horse.

I never take money off anyone that rides ours - if and when - as I feel you loose control of whats happening / being done with your horse.
 
no there was no written agreement which i now regret! ideally i'd like him to be on part loan/share (whatever the name is!) where sharer rides set days and pays a set amount e.g. half shoes, half livery, half feed. but i would like provision to ride him myself at the weekend without feeling guilty...my parents would kill me if they knew as they pay for his livery (can't afford to keep 2 horses
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I think you need to have a chat with her and just tell her exactly what you just told us. Honesty is always the best policy, as long as you are tactful and not nasty at all, but firm.

If it's worked pretty well until recently maybe things just need making clear again and boundaries need re-instating.
 
I think I'd be pretty annoyed too if I was paying out all that money for a horse I wasn't riding.

I would ask her (once she's feeling better), if she is still happy with your share arrangement? Can you say that your livery bills or insurance premiums have gone up, and that as your salary has not you have to ask her to contribute a bit more? Most shares seem to be in the region of £20 a week, so she is getting a pretty good deal here! But its no use if you feel resentful about it, I remember you've posted about this several times before about wishing she would offer to pay more. She must know how much it costs. I don't think she has any right to feel annoyed at your friend riding your TB either, its YOUR horse not hers.

Could you face looking for a sharer again if she can't pay you any more? There are some good people out there, I have just taken on a couple myself, a lot of people seem to have had a break from riding and are looking to get back into it.
 
if she decided she didn't want to ride him anymore i wouldn't be financially any worse off aside from a set of shoes every 5 weeks...it would be a shame as like i say she is really nice and has been a big help until the last few months but i could certainly look for another sharer. now i have moved yards its not an issue about riding him either as new yard has winter turnout so i wouldn't be facing a winter riding 2 horses every day. plus there are some people on the yard whose horses are lame who i am sure would be glad to help me with exercise in the short term...
 
QR

I think she's taking advantage of you! Look at it from her perspective...horse to treat as her own, at relatively no cost, but when she has 'flu he gets done for her (and yes I know 'flu is debilitating, but you can always blooming text!!). You sound like a nice person being taken for a ride. I know good sharers are hard to come by but she needs a wake up call. Best of luck love! xxx
 
not that i know of but to be honest i haven't said anything nasty so if she read this she would just know the truth of how i'm feeling...its not like i;ve been slagging her off or anything- have said several times that she's really nice and been a great help but i'm unhappy with the current arrangement....why do you think i've said something nasty?
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I still have to carry my sorry ass upto the yard everyday to tend to my horse if I'm ill....no matter what or at least arrange for someone to do her instead - usually my hubby, but the point I'm making is, if she is using your horse on a daily basis she should be keeping you upto date on her illness, like saying she's not going up for a couple of days and could you sort someone out...not just leaving it it's not fair on your horse or you, I'd certainly have a quite word with her and see if she still wants your horse at least you will know where you stand for the future.

Best of luck
 
I think you have a serious communication problem between you and your sharer,and although you are never out right nasty you have underlying currents which you should be talking to your sharer about not posting on a public forum where you are easily recognisable... why not just talk to your sharer...
 
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I think you have a serious communication problem between you and your sharer,and although you are never out right nasty you have underlying currents which you should be talking to your sharer about not posting on a public forum where you are easily recognisable... why not just talk to your sharer...

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do i actually know you or something?! sorry if it offends you PR but i find it helps me to try and work things out on here. i don't write anything that i wouldn't be happy with someone reading. i don't think i am 'nasty' in any way, shape or form but do find it difficult to talk to people who are twice my age about stuff like this, hence the post, wanted to check that its not me overreacting, which it doesn't seem like it is TBH given the other replies i've gotten. i will talk to her when she's back on her feet
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but it might help if my texts were being replied to...
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do i actually know you or something?! sorry if it offends you PR but i find it helps me to try and work things out on here. i don't write anything that i wouldn't be happy with someone reading. i don't think i am 'nasty' in any way, shape or form but do find it difficult to talk to people who are twice my age about stuff like this, hence the post, wanted to check that its not me overreacting, which it doesn't seem like it is TBH given the other replies i've gotten. i will talk to her when she's back on her feet
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but it might help if my texts were being replied to...
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No you don't know me but I know your sharer and I think she would be mortified if she knew what you insinuated about her on a public forum!! Where she and her family are very well known in the horsey world! Maybe you want to sort it out in your head,and if you don't mind your sharer reading you post's past and present then carry on no harm done.
 
have PM'd you PR...but for the record i'm being open and honest here and don't feel i'm insinuating anything...just wanted to check that i'm not overreacting by being unhappy with this situation.
 
Having briefly read through these posts, I think there is an awful lot of "assuming" going on.

From my days in Training......"You know what happens when you ASSUME.......it makes an ASS of U and ME."

Talk to each other, please!
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I dont think anything nasty has been said. Sounds like your sharer does have a very good deal getting to ride a horse everyday and only paying for its shoes! Maybe you should speak to your sharer and say you want to look after and ride your TB yourself 2-3days a week and state which days those will be so there is no confusion?

I've just started letting a friend ride my mare on Thursdays and she will muck out etc so I dont need to go to the stables but I wont be giving up more days than that.
 
yeah i will...going to ring her tomorrow and tell her what my problem is (i.e. paying for a horse i don't use) and see what her solution is...if its giving up the horse then so be it...i can't afford to continue with this situation and work is too hectic to not know what i'm doing with the horses from one day to the next...wish me luck! i hate confrontation...but can't let it drag on ad infinitum, thats fair to nobody....
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Yeah I agree - speak to your sharer and see if you can arrive at an arrangement that you are both happy with. Otherwise terminate the agreement and sell/re-loan the horse. They are bl**dy stressful animals!
 
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I dont think anything nasty has been said. Sounds like your sharer does have a very good deal getting to ride a horse everyday and only paying for its shoes! Maybe you should speak to your sharer and say you want to look after and ride your TB yourself 2-3days a week and state which days those will be so there is no confusion?

I've just started letting a friend ride my mare on Thursdays and she will muck out etc so I dont need to go to the stables but I wont be giving up more days than that.

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OP is that all your sharer pays for shoes every 5 weeks and the occasional bag of feed??? is there nothing else she pays for?? Or helps you with???
 
If it was me and i loved the horse that much that i was cross when other people rode it I would try to do all I could to sort out a way of you keeping it as the owner and offering as much financial contributions as posisble
 
QR I think OP needs to re-evaluate her situation with the horse and the sharer. Personally I feel that if the sharer is only paying for the shoes and a bag of feed and yet is riding the horse virtually every day then they are on a good thing.
Sit down with them and talk it through. If you are happy for this person to loan the horse and pay for its upkeep then so be it.
If not then you either need to go back to the original arrangement or else draw up a new one with additional costs from this person.
Either way whether the OP decides to loan the horse or keep this sharer or get another I would seriously consider getting an agreement down in writing. That way both you and the sharer ( or loaner depending on what they decide to do) know exactly what is expected from each party.
If I was in the OP's position I would not be happy with the arrangement in its current situation at all.
Fair enough being ill can cloud judgements or make you incapacitated in some way but I do believe from the posts made there has been a break down in communication.
As far as I can see this person just shares the horse. In my opinion if someone part loaned a horse then they should pay half or a percentage there of ( depending on actual days ridden in a week) towards the following costs: livery fees ( livery part or full, or DIY), feed ( including hay/haylage), bedding, insurance( which I would assume most of us only have really to cover vet fees and public liability, and in some cases it covers riders, which can be the owner or riders riding with permission), other vet costs ( vaccinations, teeth, back checks, worming etc), any other medication or supplements as needed, farrier costs ( including shoes and trimming), tack, rugs and other equipment that gets damaged whilst in use and any other costs deemed attributable towards the keeping of a horse.
Most sharers that I am aware of either pay a set fee each week/month ( which no where near covers the costs as listed above), payment towards shoes and help with jobs.
It is the owner who picks up the rest of the costs and yet the owner is essentially paying a lot to keep the horse whilst at the same time reducing the time they can actually ride the horse. This in turn also does mean that they are sometimes faced with a dilemma of do they say to someone is it ok if I ride my horse on such a day without it upsetting the applecart.
I do think maybe as others have said that maybe your sharer may have got their nose pushed out a little when you allowed your friend to ride your horse. I am only guessing at this so if I am wrong I apologise in advance.
However at the end of the day OP it is your horse to do with as you see fit. I do believe when it comes to sharing that flexibility on both sides works best but people must realise that when they share or even part loan a horse, it is not their own and therefore the final say should lie with the owner.
Have a talk and get an agreement down in writing. Then you both know where you stand. If either of you have a disagreement in the future or one of you unduly breaks a condition set out in the agreement without an exceptional reason then either one of you would be able to terminate the agreement with immediate effect ( or within a set time stated in the paperwork).
Some people may think I am overreacting but at the end of the day verbal agreements stand for nothing most of the time. Advantages can be taken by either party at any time, especially when time passes. By having a clear agreement set out in writing then each person has a constant reminder of what they agreed to adhere to in black and white.
Good luck and I hope you manage to sort it out so that both parties benefit
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