I'm hurting so much

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mymare

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My darling Gaz was put to sleep on Tuesday. She was 31 years old, and I had been lucky enough to have had her in my life for 27 and a half years. When we got her she was on her way to the knackers yard, was a bag of bones and riddled with redworm. Mum, being a complete soft touch, paid the old hag who had her a ridiculous amount for her but she was worth every penny and a million more in my eyes. I was at junior school when we got her, and I'll be turning 40 in August and have 2 children. She's been with me through every chapter of my life and I'm lost without her. I'm bawling while I type this. We were so in tune with each other, so comfortable and happy around each other and had a bond I could never imagine having again.

Her poor old legs had had it, her knees seemed to just give while she was standing eating and she would stumble forward trying to correct herself. I just couldnt let her go on and get worse, I owed her a dignified end, although it tore me apart. All I could imagine was her getting stuck in the field overnight and having to lie there until morning distressed. I've seen it before and that's the last thing I wanted for her. The time had come and I just knew it, I could see it in her too that she was slowing down and that she was "tired".

I loved her so so so much and it's killing me that she's not here anymore.

Unfortunately my poor shetland had to stay in the field until a few hours later when my friend had finished work and could come and collect him. She took him to her stud as he hadnt been on his own ever. The poor thing kept pulling the rugs off Gaz that were covering her and nudging her to try to get her up. He even pawed at her at one point. It was heartbreaking.

Please tell me this pain will go soon, I can't bear it. I can't function and I just keep crying. I feel like someone is ripping my insides out. She's left a huge void. I can't even see my shetland every day as it's a 40 mile round trip to where he is. This is the first day I haven't been and I feel dreadful. I just want him nearby so I'm going to try and find somewhere for him, I can't move him back to the field they were in as it was just the 2 of them, he needs company.

I'm so sorry this is so long. I just want to hear from others who have been through this and find out when things start to get better.
 
Well, i've never lost a horse ie being put down, but ive lost a horse in the sense she was sold when i never wanted her to be i still cry about her :(, she was my best friend she was always there when i needed her to be, i could say anything to her anything at all shed grunt i used to think she was telling me her opinion and telling me i was stupid. All i can say is when you think of her smile, i know it will be hard but force yourself to when your crying think of the happy times and it will get kinda easier its what i did when my grandad died though it does take along time.
Sorry for your loss
 
So sorry for your loss, i had a mare die 2 years ago I'd had a long time and thought so much of, she was only 16 and got a twisted gut and died on the operating table. I felt like she was stolen from me. Its heartbreaking and I dont think the pain eases you just deal with it better in time. I still cry now, especially when i feel down. Hope it eases for you too in time.
 
I was so sorry to read your post. There really isn't much I can say to make you feel better right now, but it DOES get easier, I promise you that.

Try to take some comfort from the fact you did the right thing for her and that she didn't have to go through a distressing time. They do try to tell you when they want to go & it's a wonderful thing that you recognised that & made the right decision.

There was a similar post to yours on here a week or so ago & I was crying reading it thinking about my boy who I had pts. That was in 2001 & I thought I would never get over it, but although I still think of him & still get upset at times it did get easier over time and within a few weeks I was able to cope with going down to the yard again.

I doesn't feel like it at the moment but the time will come when you can think about her & all the good memories without getting too upset.

I hope you find somewhere for your shetland and can enjoy him again soon.
 
It won't go but it will get easier.. I cried for 2 whole days when my fella died. I'd grown up with him, done everything with him and he owed me nothing. He got terrible laminitis (due to the steroids he'd needed to keep his chest OK -- He was asthmatic (not COPD))... and we'd done everything but it got to the stage where 'enough was enough' and I had him put down.

I still put that as the worst day of my life.

BUT I can remember the good times now without welling up. I still miss him, dream about him, love him, but I can accept that he's gone and that we did our best for him and gave him a fab life.

Blitz
 
hugs for you.....it will get better, but takes time. i have lost 3. one at 35 who i got when she was 13, one at 22 who i got when he was 8 but the worst was the mare i had from 15months and lost at 24. i had to make the decision for all of them and have no regrets as im sure i did the best for them..quality of life is most important and you made that brave decision for your horse and you know it was the right one.

it may not be an option for you but i found it very difficult not owning a horse so got another. this one is now 19 and has lameness issues and as long as she is comfortable and happy she will be looked after as well as i possibly can,BUT when i feel she has lost quality of life i will make that difficult decision.......

perhaps if you cant get your own you could help someone with theirs, just being around horses helped me lots before i got my own again.......hang in there, it will get better...........:)
 
You have lost a much loved member of your family and there will be a grief period to go through. It WILL get better, you will feel like you are on a rollercoaster of emotions that not everyone will understand. In time when you remember your beloved friend it will be with smiles and fond memories not the grief you are experiencing now. Stray strong with the thought that did the right thing by your equine best friend.
 
I really feel for you, that is such a long time to have your horse, really most of your life. No wonder you are in such a bad way. You have to take a bit of comfort that you gave her a wonderful life and that she was always loved and well cared for after she came to you. 31 is an incredible age. You also gave her a dignified end which is a huge kindness.
I lost my wee Sec A (Minty) in April and found it really hard, i still have my bad days. I have kept his wee fleece on the wall of his stable because at first i could still smell him off it. I actually find it a comfort to have it there next to my big horses fleece, it just seems right that it's there.
It will get better, but you need to grieve, you have lost your best friend and it takes time to come to terms with that. It will be good to have your wee shettie near you too, he will give you some comfort.
So sorry, I hope that you feel better soon.
R.I.P. Gaz
 
Hun it will get easier. We lost Benson, nearly 5 months ago now, we had had him on loan for 9 years from Tammy,and I am now getting to the stage where I can talk about him and smile at the memories, but I still have my wobbly moments. I have found that my councilling sessions have helped immensly, I went there firstly to deal with the effects of the accident where Benson and Charlie died, and me and Tammy were injured, but she has helped me so much through my grief. Give yourself some time, and allow your feelings to happen, its natural. xx
 
I'm so sorry for your loss, R.I.P Gaz :( your horse was given the dignified ending she so deserved and in time you'll feel better that you could do that for her.
There are fantastic specialised bereavement services specifically for pets and they really do help (my mum had sessions when we lost our Goldie)
I can see it would leave a huge gap in your life, but with time it will get easier and you'll be able to look back and smile on the good times you had in the 27 and a half years you were together :) you'll never forget her, so don't let yourself feel guilty when you are smiling (I always find that a problem when I lose a pet)
I hope you find you're able to start to enjoy your Shetland again soon.
 
Oh Mymare - I so wish I was closer and could come and give you a hug xxxx

You absolutely know that you did the right thing and I applaud you for that. Gaz was so lucky to have you and you did her proud right up to the very last moment.

You have had so much stress in your life over the last couple of months - most of us would struggle to cope with just that - not losing your mare on top of everything else.

You know I have been through the same and I am afraid to say that you have quite a time ahead of you of being in a very sad place but it does eventually get better. It sort of suddenly hits you one day that you have actually thought of something else! And from then on you can bring out your memories, grief and thoughts as and when you have time to deal with them.

Don't forget to look after yourself - the stronger you are the quicker you will come to terms with it

xxxx
 
I am so sorry for your loss.That is a wonderfuly long time to have such a friend ,and although at the moment you can only see the loss, you will in time remember more of the wonderful times you had. I lost my Lancelot about 8 months ago.He was only 7. What hurts me is that he was such an angry unhappy horse and I so wanted to offer him a good life,like you were able to give your horse. Be proud of what you gave your horse. You were there for him for the long term , as a former professional hunt servant and jockey once told me,a man who cant cry for a horse,is no sort of man.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss - I have been through the same experience and it does get easier although it takes a long time (my TB mare was PTS 8 years ago and I still get tearful when I think about that awful day). The other side is I have lots of happy memories and thinking about her makes me smile most days. :)

((((hugs))))
 
OP, I'm not going to say I know how you feel, that won't help, but what I can say is that while the pain won't go away, it becomes easier to live with. You will feel better, but that doesn't mean you miss your girl any less, only that its become bearable.

I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like such a fantastic friend. If you ever want to talk, I am only a PM away

*HUGE hugs* xxxx
 
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The pain does ease,but now some thirty plus years later my eyes still sting..and it is her I am out hacking on in my dreams ,not the lovely ones in between.
 
What an awful time for you. This bit is so true ...

Ravenwood said:
It sort of suddenly hits you one day that you have actually thought of something else! And from then on you can bring out your memories, grief and thoughts as and when you have time to deal with them.
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I can't remember how long it took but I do recall getting part way through a day and thinking that my lad wasn't the first thing I had thought of that morning. For a long time, he was my last thought at night and the first in the morning.
Now, 6 years on, I can appreciate the great times we had in our 15 years together.
 
I'm so sorry for you. It sounds as if you did your absolute best for your girl.

I lost Catembi in 2007, & know just how you feel. I took it very hard, & what helped me a little was realising that instead of expecting to get 'back to normal', I had to adjust to a 'new' normal.

I really hope you start to feel better soon.
 
EAST KENT said:
The pain does ease,but now some thirty plus years later my eyes still sting..and it is her I am out hacking on in my dreams ,not the lovely ones in between.
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Oh blimey...
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I am so very sorry for your loss, sending you huge hugs.

http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm

I hope this poem helps you, it was a huge comfort to me when our beloved lab died. I cannot imagine the pain you are in after so many years together. I have a three year old now who will be with me until one of us dies, and I have thought about the situation that you are in now. A friend has an elderly, sick pony that is the last connection with a deceased sister, so we have talked about it and shed tears together.

I only hope that the pain eases for you - remember how lucky your pony was to have found you, and what a fab life she had. That is all we can hope to give them, and you did it in spades.

Thinking of you, shysmum xxx
 
EAST KENT said:
The pain does ease,but now some thirty plus years later my eyes still sting..and it is her I am out hacking on in my dreams ,not the lovely ones in between.
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Glad I'm not the only one this happens to. I lost my beloved Juno 38 years ago. and I still cry for her.

It DOES ease though, you'll never forget Gaz. She will always be there with you,as my beloved Juno is with me.
Lots of love and hugs to you. Chin up. I do so feel for you.
RIP Gaz Run free.
 
I have had two horses put down for separate reasons this week. One a racehorse sliced through his own tendons in his leg and the other a broodmare with foal at foot had a twisted gut. Both horses in pain and both horses very very special to me. The heart ache is pretty much unbearable. Ive worked in racing and contrary to popular belief, racehorses ARE loved by their owners, trainers and grooms. Losing a working horse is just as devastating as losing a pet horse and it happens more often. It DOES get better, you will never forget them, it will always hurt when you think of them but you learn to cope with it and you learn to think of the good times not the bad times and you know that now, they are running free with the sun on their backs and without any pain. I still cry for horses lost years ago but i have to be strong for i now have an orphaned foal that i have to look after - i promised her mother. Other people may disagree but i find the best way to deal with the pain is plant a tree in memory, and get another horse. it is NOT a replacement, there can never be a replacement, but it is to create new memories and something to share the old memories with.
 
You are all very kind and understanding, thank you so much.

Rowenna, how awful! I'm so sorry! How are you coping? And how is the foal since it's Mum died? This unfortunately came in 2's for me as well. We lost one of our collies 9 days before Gaz was pts. I really have been crying a river, it's so so painful. I have thought about planting a tree in Gaz's memory. She was buried with a rose from Mum's garden, she planted the rose bush in memory of one of our dogs who died 9 years ago. I can't plant anything at her grave as she is in my friend's field (a beautiful spot in a corner under a big tree) and I couldn't risk her sheep eating something they shouldnt! But I think I will plant one at home.

You also mentioned getting another horse. This is something I really can't make my mind up about. I HAD said for a while that when Gaz went I wouldn't get another as I would spend the extra time I had with the kids. I suppose I feel guilty about time I spent with horses since the kids were born. But I miss the time spent mucking out, poo picking, etc etc. Having said that, would it be the same if it's not with Gaz? It really was her company that I enjoyed so much. She honestly was such a gentle horse, not once did she kick or bite me in those 27+ years, she never barged me. She was perfect in my eyes. We seemed to know exactly what each other was thinking, it was such a special bond. I would never get that with another horse, I just know it. Oh God I just don't know anything right now, my head's mince.

I can't thank you all enough, you've been so caring and supportive. X
 
Think of it this way - you now have room in your stable (and space will grow in your heart) for another who may need you as much as you need Gaz. You may not have to look too hard to find them.
 
In time it will get better, you have lost a family member and greiving is with you. But it will become less painful and let you then remember the good times. Everything you feel is normal after all this horse was with you a long time. Best wishes
 
brighteyes said:
Think of it this way - you now have room in your stable (and space will grow in your heart) for another who may need you as much as you need Gaz. You may not have to look too hard to find them.
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This is exactly right, if horses are in your heart (and if you are going to miss poo picking then they MUST be!) thenyou will find yourself NEEDING another horse. It may not be straight away but it will happen, even if the horse has to come looking for you! It wont be another Gaz, there isnt another one, it'll be its own person with its own love to give and needing its own love back. You'll know its the right one when you meet it.
Our foal is doing quite well in the circumstances, we have found a pony yearling locally that is comming tomorrow to keep it company and grow up together. We've not found a foster mare unfortunatly but the foal is drinking milk from a bucket and eating as much creep feed as we let her have! She has one hell of a character! We are in the process of looking at trees for our two, its good therapy!
Best wishes x
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I lost my lovely Jasper a fortnight ago, he was also 32 and I've had him since he was 6.

I felt like I was the only person in the world hurting so much.

I'm so very, very sorry you lost your mare. I also buried Jasper under a tree, and placed a huge upright boulder on the spot, and I have a cutting from a bush in my garden, that he used to demolish on a regular basis, that I'm going to plant for him. I will plant a rose here for Gaz, too. X
 
Oh God your post should have come with a warning I'm bawling my eyes out as well now!

The expression 'time heals all wounds' is cxxp, it doesn't you just learn to deal with the pain. I've lost a horse, 3 dogs and 2 cats it is horrible. Cry now and get it off your chest, if it helps and go and find someone else human or equine to hug.

Like other have said thinking of the good times you had together and remember them. For the 27yrs you had her she had the best possible life I'm sure, and the decision you made was hard, but it was right! Whats more she would probably be most distressed to see you crying.

Its been 8 years now but post like this, films, and looking at photos on a bad day still reduce me tears and bring all the pain back.

Sorry not much help but you are not the only one!
 
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