I'm losing my mind!

Leo Walker

Leo Walker

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So long story short, I got literally smashed to pieces about 3yrs ago, on someone elses horse. I spent 3 weeks in HDU and then 4 months in a full body metal back brace. It wasnt nice, but I got over it and recovered really well :) I actually sat on a horse before the brace came off as I needed to know if my nerve was gone. It wasnt :) I was back blatting round the woods and jumping logs and just generally having a good time within a couple of weeks of the brace coming off.

Fast forward to now. I'm fat, wobbly and have been ill for a long period of time. I bought a young cob when I was still in the back brace. I bought him to drive as I wasnt sure I would ever walk again. Turns out I did walk, and see above for details of blatting round the woods :lol: Long story short, I still have the cob and adore the bones of him, he has been either turned away or loaned for a couple of years. I did in the meantime, buy a kick along cob and hated riding him so, so much that I gifted him to his sharer, and its all worked out marvelously :) I got the cob back from loan. He was turned away, then I got him back in work last autumn.

I had the odd wibbly moment, but it went away once I was on, apart from one incident when I thought he might deck me on the concrete and I was a bit worried! Turns out the professionally fitted saddle that was checked by another fitter, didnt fit at all, and had mullered his shoulders :( I'd have definitely decked me, no questions asked!

Anyway, hes got a new saddle that fits and has had lots of physio and is fine. I got on him a month ago, 3 weeks after we moved yards after 2+ months off and after he had been a bit of a prat for a couple of weeks! Got on having felt a tiny bit anxious, and then hacked him out with no issues. We both enjoyed it :)

Fast forward to now, and I feel like I am literally losing my mind :( I'm terrified! The cob has gone on full livery and is being worked 4 days a week with the hunt horses. He looks and clearly feels amazing :) He hasnt done anything untoward but I am literately frozen with fear. I have no idea why?! I backed the cob myself from a park bench next to a dual carriageway! Hes a lovely natured boy, I cant imagine him decking ANYONE! He is very forward and keen now, but I dont think hes that forward and keen that it will be an issue

I'm not even sure why I'm posting! Desperation probably! I dont know if this is just some sort of hang over from the PTSD after the accident but I've lost the plot! My lovely, lovely YO has offered me the yards patent safety hunter to ride out with Frankie, but even the thought of that makes me want to vomit :( I literally feel like I'm losing my mind! Yes I do have legitimate concerns about being well enough to ride a fit forward horse, but this is my fit forward horse. The one I know inside out and a happy enough to stick my 11yr old niece on bareback to do pony rides!

I'm not sure why I'm posting, other than the fact I have no one to talk to about it. I dont have horsey friends, and my OH knows Frankie is reliable and safe so wouldnt get this new drama, for good reason clearly as the cob is a star!
 
Have some lessons! I was truly scared of riding after my made reared vertically with me and nearly went over with me on board and having an instructor (with a diff horse obviously) helped so much. I love my weekly lessons now!
 
Thats the other issue! I've moved him to full livery where hes worked 4 days a week, but the school hasnt been done yet. They have planning and are just waiting for the ground to dry, but I dont think I can rely on it happening. Other than that I LOVE the new yard
 
Hey, cut yourself some slack! It's natural and healthy to have a bit of a wobble after what you went through. Sounds as though you sailed through confidence-wise at the time, and the chickens are now coming home to roost.

You will come out the other side of this, and your horse sounds like a splendid chap.

Don't force it, enjoy his company and whatever you want to do with him. He's being ridden 4 times a week, so if you decide you just want to lunge or long line or hand graze or do ground work or horse agility or something at the weekends for a bit, why not?

If you want to get on, is there an instructor who would do you a lesson/hack maybe? Or could you box to use a school nearby if you have transport?

Don't put any pressure on yourself, lots of other people would have chosen to give up altogether (and that's fine too).
 
Are you spending much time with him on the ground at the moment? I find that helped, after I lost my nerve after an unfortunate series of accidents. Just being with them and building trust that way (learning to understand them again, I suppose!), really helped. Is it possible for you to take him somewhere with a school or even have lessons on a school horse, to help get you back in the saddle?

I can relate to the issues surrounding PTSD. I had it to quite a debilitating extent for a number of years and had ongoing problems related to it (which I used to think of as glitches) for some time after, around a decade all in. It there anything you used to help you recover from PTSD initially and might it be worth revisiting?

You can get through this and you'll be enjoying each other again in no time :).


eta, cross-posted with micropony! Basically - what they said :D
 
Might be better if he's not fit and worked four days a week until you are back into the swing of things?

Also now you've defluffed him make sure you put an exercise sheet on him as that could make him feel a bit sharper.

My cob is exceedingly fit and on her toes. If I didn't know her I might not believe this, but she's still absolutely safe and bombproof. I'm sure F is too. Good luck.
 
Fergus is like FW's D - fit, de-haired and sharp. It's taken me years to realise it doesn't matter and now I love it when he's a prat to hack. You just need to believe :p
 
I think its because he was a horse that you knew, soft and cuddly and now he has become more of an athlete he feels and reacts differently. I would rough him off and forget about him for a month or so and start again. Spring is coming and they are all starting to get a bit bonkers as well
I used to school my daughters pony when I was younger and slimmer and I had to make sure I didn't get it fit or make it too reactive, she may have gone better but she would have been of little use if she had been too geared up for my daughter to ride.
He is there for your enjoyment and to fit in with your aspirations not someone else's.
 
I imagine that the problem is that you are not dealing with Frankie on a daily basis now, sohe doesn't feel quite as much like your horse, iyswim. I don't understand why you are paying to have him fittened ATM. I expect you would feel more comfortable if you were both at a similar level of fitness,i
 
I think you are amazingly brave and a real inspiration, I hope I would cope as well as you in that situation but I doubt it!

Some good advice above, but just wanted to say if you do think you may be suffering with PTSD, perhaps have a chat with Mary Joy at the equine centre for change, she is a 'proper' therapist but uses horses to help people with PTSD. She does amazing work! http://www.equinecentreforchange.com/

Good luck :)
 
I'm paying to have him worked as hes fat and spring is coming. I've been up since about 4am tossing and turning and thinking about it.

There have been endless excuses as to why he wasnt doing a lot, all legitimate, but also very handy for me! Now I have no excuses and I have to just get on with it. And I think I'm just panicking that I wont be able to ride to a reasonable standard anymore, that I will break or he will break and I've just had a massive drama queen melt down about it and now I'm digging my heels in!

Hes safe, I know hes safe. My YO raves about how good he is with traffic etc. Hes actually worse when hes not in work as he gets out of the routine of it and can be sillyand hes not fit now. Hes only been in work 2 weeks :lol: Hes just really enjoying doing something and that shows in how he is.

I think it will go away when I start riding again. I get like this with my little 125cc bike. If I dont ride it for a while I feel really nervous and twitchy about it, but once I've been out a couple of times I' back to loving it again.

I'm breaking out the credit card and buying an air jacket this morning then I am just going to get on and ride!
 
Sounds like a plan. I think you are right once you are in the routine you will be ok. You're missing the summer as well, last week has been fab. Get on and ride before the rain is back!
 
FrankieCob said:
I'm paying to have him worked as hes fat and spring is coming. I've been up since about 4am tossing and turning and thinking about it.

There have been endless excuses as to why he wasnt doing a lot, all legitimate, but also very handy for me! Now I have no excuses and I have to just get on with it. And I think I'm just panicking that I wont be able to ride to a reasonable standard anymore, that I will break or he will break and I've just had a massive drama queen melt down about it and now I'm digging my heels in!

Hes safe, I know hes safe. My YO raves about how good he is with traffic etc. Hes actually worse when hes not in work as he gets out of the routine of it and can be sillyand hes not fit now. Hes only been in work 2 weeks :lol: Hes just really enjoying doing something and that shows in how he is.

I think it will go away when I start riding again. I get like this with my little 125cc bike. If I dont ride it for a while I feel really nervous and twitchy about it, but once I've been out a couple of times I' back to loving it again.

I'm breaking out the credit card and buying an air jacket this morning then I am just going to get on and ride!
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I think you need to give yourself an enormous break (plus a whole lot of credit for getting this far).

If you're this worried, why not a) take your time; and b) and this is the important bit - move forward. Perhaps pick some really small but incremental steps - break down the vom-inducing stuff into manageable, bite-sized chunks. One day, just get on - in the school - have someone with you if you need the reassurance. Have a wander, just enjoy being on his back, give him a pat and get off. Next day, do the same, but maybe ask for a little bit of trot. Keep it light and positive. End on a good note. Next day, perhaps have a little canter - or not - do what feels right. When you're feeling a bit more confident, ride in the school and then go for a wander around the yard. Have someone walk with you if you need to - one day you'll just think "oh to heck with it" and you'll go off on your own. Build up to a little hack-ette with someone you really, really trust who you won't push you too far out of your comfort zone (on a really reliable horse).

You get my drift. It won't be long before your belief (in him and in yourself) is restored and you are flying.

Having a really serious fall can mess with your head - and rightly so. As someone else said up-thread, you are enormously brave to have come back from where you were . . . and your boy is exactly the right horse for you (plus he's stunning - what a smart chap he is all clipped out and hogged) - you'll have so much fun with him.

I also agree with the folks on here who suggested that you spend as much time as you can with him on the ground . . . teach him some movements, perhaps do some horse agility with him (which would reinforce his reliability and trustworthiness in your mind and up your fitness a little)?

You can do this . . . I know you can :).

P
 
I think you are amazing!!!!!
I'm really not sure that I'd have ever got on again after your experience, you are made of some very tough stuff lady!!
Do ANYTHING that makes you feel safe and I echo the others with spending time with him on the ground. And simply take your time. One of the things I've learned with confidence is that it is so fragile and putting pressure on yourself is bad. I think a little fear is good for self preservation lol.
You sound like a lovely brave lady who has been through alot...just look at what you have achieved and take a deep breath. ......
 
when I had cancer I battled on and rode despite being on chemo. Fast forward and I think I had a delayed reaction because I started to think about the what ifs, not just about riding but life itself. You had a horrific accident and perhaps it's all hitting you emotionally now. And perhaps be totally honest with yourself. Do you actually want to ride anymore, or are you feeling that you have to, to prove you've recovered emotionally and physically. You don't have to feel guilty or that you've left yourself down if you say, actually I've had enough. Xxx
 
I missed the bit about PTSD on first reading. Did you get it properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and treated?
I come across a lot of it at work, and it's not funny, but it is very treatable with proper trauma-focused CBT or EMDR.
 
Micropony said:
I missed the bit about PTSD on first reading. Did you get it properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and treated?
I come across a lot of it at work, and it's not funny, but it is very treatable with proper trauma-focused CBT or EMDR.
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Nope, just what my GP told me. I didnt get treated very well full stop TBH.

I've just been to the yard and ridden :D My Yo collared me when I arrived and made me. She got on first, then I got on, then she lead me round the yard, by which point I felt like a prat and was over it, so we went for a hack round the village with her on foot. The cob was a star, not a foot of out line, but my god does he stride out now. I dont think I've ever felt him use his back end before today. For something with such terrible stumpy legs he was motoring! So I rode for about 30mins, had a lovely time and it didnt cause my any pain or wipe me out, in fact my back feels good for doing it!

In true unhinged person fashion, I'm now back home dithering again, however now I've managed to ride and have a lovely time, I can rationalise it a bit more! So I'll be back tomorrow, riding again. And hopefully if I can just keep doing it, eventually I'll get over myself!
 
exracehorse said:
Do you actually want to ride anymore, or are you feeling that you have to, to prove you've recovered emotionally and physically. You don't have to feel guilty or that you've left yourself down if you say, actually I've had enough. Xxx
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I'm desperate to! I even have dreams about riding, but somehow its all got jumbled up in my head and I've gone a bit loopy!
 
I know it's easier said than done but just do it.
Literally everyday for a week, even if it's just a ten minute walk around the block. Force yourself to do it. Day one you will feel sick with fear. Day 7 you will wonder what all the fuss was about. The longer you leave it the worse it will be.
 
Hi FrankieCob-I had to add to this as I know you can come thru this! I was the same and decided my horse was going to be a field ornament. I feel so much happier and no pressure on me-if you feel you have to and get those feelings of dread-then stop.can you always use him as a trap pony-good luck you are very wise and always read your blogs and you talk sense! x:)
 
FrankieCob said:
Nope, just what my GP told me. I didnt get treated very well full stop TBH.

I've just been to the yard and ridden :D My Yo collared me when I arrived and made me. She got on first, then I got on, then she lead me round the yard, by which point I felt like a prat and was over it, so we went for a hack round the village with her on foot. The cob was a star, not a foot of out line, but my god does he stride out now. I dont think I've ever felt him use his back end before today. For something with such terrible stumpy legs he was motoring! So I rode for about 30mins, had a lovely time and it didnt cause my any pain or wipe me out, in fact my back feels good for doing it!

In true unhinged person fashion, I'm now back home dithering again, however now I've managed to ride and have a lovely time, I can rationalise it a bit more! So I'll be back tomorrow, riding again. And hopefully if I can just keep doing it, eventually I'll get over myself!
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YAY! Doing a happy dance for you, morags well and truly wafting (still in my pjs - oh the shame). Well done :) :) :).

P
 
FrankieCob said:
I've just been to the yard and ridden :D My Yo collared me when I arrived and made me. She got on first, then I got on, then she lead me round the yard, by which point I felt like a prat and was over it, so we went for a hack round the village with her on foot. The cob was a star, not a foot of out line, but my god does he stride out now. I dont think I've ever felt him use his back end before today. For something with such terrible stumpy legs he was motoring! So I rode for about 30mins, had a lovely time and it didnt cause my any pain or wipe me out, in fact my back feels good for doing it!

In true unhinged person fashion, I'm now back home dithering again, however now I've managed to ride and have a lovely time, I can rationalise it a bit more! So I'll be back tomorrow, riding again. And hopefully if I can just keep doing it, eventually I'll get over myself!
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Well done! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. I know it must be so hard. I've suffered PTSD from a completely un-horse-related thing but I know how badly it can affect your life. It's good that you broke the ice and got on, and it's great that your YO went with you. If you can just keep up with it, just little rides each day or every other day (supervised if that makes you more comfortable) to build your confidence and riding fitness back up then I'm sure that these feelings of negativity will improve greatly. Best of luck!
 
WELL DONE!!

As others have said, you are an amazingly brave lady and you deserve every sympathy both for the suffering in your original accident, and the anguish you are suffering now. I feel extremely fortunate not to have first hand experience of PTSD, but it does sound like a strong possibility to me. Can the GP not refer you for some counselling?

In the meantime I think you are doing everything absolutely right. Don't be ashamed to have someone lead you round for as long as you need. (Anyone curling their lip at this can keep out of it until they have been through what you have!). There is no need in the world for you to ride on your own as long as you can find someone competent to be with you either on foot or on a RELIABLE horse, if you can afford it, I'd pay someone you trust to be your nanny (I've done this on a number of occasions when facing a scary activity e.g. hound ride). And brilliant idea to have an air jacket - just wearing this will make you feel so much less anxious I am sure. Another thing you can do is to make sure that when you do start to go out on your own (which needn't be for another decade if you don't feel ready!) then make sure someone knows where you are going, take a phone if you can do so safely, and get a tag with your emergency contact number on it and attach it to your person somehow AND put another one on your horse's saddle. That way you can worry a lot less about what could happen if you part company.

But mainly, again, hats off to you FrankieCob, you are one brave and inspiring lady :) x
 
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