Is it just me? Do you have lessons like this?

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Mongoose11

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I think I have worked out that I am the World's most ***** perfectionist ever born. Unless it can be perfect then it seems I don't even want to try.

At some point in every lesson lately I have been close to tears because I just can't make it right. I can't seem to get the balance right between too much contact, not enough contact, too much leg, not quite enough leg, straight through the hips, soft in the hips. I just can't make it all happen at once and knowing how beautifully she goes is making it all so much harder.

I think I am looking at having to have a back op and in the back of my mind I am thinking, maybe it won't be so bad if they tell me not to ride anymore. Maybe I'll be happier watching other people compete her. Poor friend who was trying to help tonight (instructor is away) just didn't know what to do with herself while I was being so clearly upset. My instructor is wonderful and makes me feel fantastic while being very straight talking. She assures me it is nowhere near as bad as I think it is and the video taken tonight shows that it isn't bad at all. It just feels bad to me. It never feels good enough because I want it so bad.

What upset me the most is that I constantly feel like I am letting her down. After every ride I apologise to her and thank her and tell her that it's not her fault. I just want to be able to get the best out of her because she really is the most perfect thing.

Just read JessMagic's post about the sad old lad that she has managed to take on and now I'm bawling my eyes out. All I want to do it do a decent bloody dressage test. Is it really worth all of this time, money and emotion?
 
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I know just how you're feeling and have been known to burst into tears and ask the instructor to get on and ride instead of me:(

Keep going though, suddenly it will fall into place. As for Olive going beautifully (I assume you are meaning for others) let me guess, they've done a lot more riding recently? I'm right, yes?

Has anyone taken any pictures of you and the other rider(s)? You may well be surprised how good she looks when you are riding too.

You could try lunge lessons which will take some of the multitude of things to work on away and leave you to concentrate on others.

But you WILL get there. Think back to when you were learning to do rising trot - did it all come at once? I don't expect it did.

edited to add: Are you just riding Olive at the moment? Is your emotional attachment to her making things worse for you? If you haven't ridden anything else then it might be worth having a lesson on a different horse and then immediately getting back on your own as it can make you feel "Wow, this is so easy to deal with, if I just do this, that happens. If I do the other this goes perfectly as well. It's just like slipping on a really comfy pair of shoes".
 
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Can I recommend you the most brilliant book, That winning feeling by Jane Savoie.

You need to learn how to focus in and an objective and constructive way.
It is worth the time money and the positive emotion .
 
I feel exactly like this, I am very competitive and unless I am good and doing well at something I don't want to do it. Becomes a problem when I want to compete as I don't win!! Definitely not the way to think about it but I really can sympathise. Horses can be so so exhausting when it feels like its not coming together. I know I have had a few months of not riding much as I have just felt so fed up that were not going anywhere. This has however now made me feel a bit more determined to do something about it! Hope it all comes together for you soon :)
 
Oh poor you, I know that feeling well. Why don't you take the pressure off yourself for a bit - just do hacking and fun things and then pick the lessons back up again in two or three weeks. Give yourself a chance to just enjoy her for a bit. You will get there, I'm sure of it.

I recently had a really tough riding spell for a few weeks. I was training for my Stage 3 exam, and was coming home after every lesson crying the whole way home as I felt I'd ridden so badly. Then the day of the exam came and I passed the lot! Sometimes, it can be all in your head!

:) :) :)
 
I totally understand I had a lesson today first one in about 2 months and he asked me to do something and I said I could not do it on my horse so he said ok ill pop on and he got what he wanted from my horse, don't get me wrong it took him some time but when he got off and I got on I was like oh no I am pants why do I do this to my poor horse!!!! then I go through the whole thing of should I sell him so he could be happier with someone else

but I am stubborn and I will get there and be the best I can be for my horse
keep your chin up xx
 
Hey no crying! It was a happy post!
I went through a phase of having lessons and just seeming to take 1 step forward and 100 steps back. I began to hate riding and almost convinced myself to retire my 6 year old mare that had never done anything wrong lol! No real advice but i watched a few inspirational vids on youtube and last years amlin plus at hickstead and motivated myself to get back doing it, i held off lessons for a month then got a new instructor and we just click! she works me hard, makes me jump things that make my knees shake in fear but once i've done it, im so bloody proud of myself!
 
Thank you everyone. Kind words have brought more tears.

Tiger tail - my instructor is wonderful. Inspiring, enlightening, the most amazing rider and I look up to her. This is all me. Pressure I create myself. She asks me to tweak my hand and her mouth softens down, she asks me to soften my hip and her hind comes through. Honestly I couldn't have a better instructor, she makes me work through it and is nothing but amazing. I'm not horrendous. I just feel horrendous! Nothing is EVER good enough!
 
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Just remember perfection does not equal fun!! And fun is why we all horse ride. As someone said above maybe take the pressure off, take time off from lessons for a while. I rarely get lessons, a combination of lack of money and horsebox, so I just get on with things at home getting tips from here, books, tv and i just take my time and I know everything will work out in the end
I compete mainly in eventing and it certainly isnt perfect but I love the days out with the horses.
 
Well you know what Billie, with horses there's no such thing as perfect. I have a feeling that you are beating yourself up unduly, and you know what, if you went and did a dressage test it would probably be good for you, because there would be good bits and not so good bits, but at least you would have specific things to work on rather than aiming for a perfect position, perfect aids and perfect harmony all at once. I am also willing to bet that the score you would get would be a damn sight higher than what you would give yourself.

It's also important to realise that riding often looks better than it feels when you are the one up top trying your socks off. That saying 'Fake it 'til you Make it' is very applicable.

Maybe run through a test and get your instructor to mark you?
 
I teach a few people who are excessively hard on themselves, question me praising them (and I'm not in the habit of saying something's good if it isn't!!) and generally beat themselves up the whole time - and they are the ones who don't improve. It's really hard - if you constantly criticise yourself, and don't appreciate the subtle improvements, you get so bogged down in misery that you don't get anywhere! Perfection takes a while to achieve, and expecting everything to come right all at the same time is way too great a mountain to climb in one go.

If you were one of mine, I'd do a goal setting session with you - work out what bothers you, what you want to achieve, and the order of importance to you - then we'd put a plan together so you had a specific, achievable goal for each lesson,and started to gain confidence by achieving constant small improvements - rather than expecting to get a million things right at the same time.
If you don't break it down into bite size chunks - your head will explode, and you'll be no good to Olive at all then!
 
Many of you made me smile. Aus, were you secretly spying on my last lesson because these are exactly the words that came out of my instructor's mouth, I told her I was a lost cause and she said 'no, just a difficult case'. She constantly has to find another way round because my brain doesn't function in the way that she might expect!

My biggest problem is that I just don't want to let fat Olive down. I honestly love her too much, it's hard being in this position. Sometimes I wish I had never found out what she is capable of :)
 
Have you had seat lessons? They're great for making you aware of how balanced you really are, and when you can get your centre of balance sussed everything else comes naturally. Or and I know it sounds crazy but have some western riding lessons, helped out my riding so much as the whole idea is to simply make a request and then enjoy the ride, horse goes better, you go better.
Also I would highly recommend having Alexander technique lessons, good for back problems and again has helped me so much to be more body aware of tension, if my horse isn't going well it's because I've subconsciously tensed somewhere. Could you find a centred riding instructor? Even if you're happy with your instructor sometimes it's good to get a different instructor just to give a new perspective and different ideas/different way of looking at things.
Is it being too nosy to ask what back op is for?
 
Billie1007 said:
Many of you made me smile. Aus, were you secretly spying on my last lesson because these are exactly the words that came out of my instructor's mouth, I told her I was a lost cause and she said 'no, just a difficult case'. She constantly has to find another way round because my brain doesn't function in the way that she might expect!
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That doesn't surprise me, as its a relatively common thing amongst people who are keen to improve. I used to dread teaching people like that when I was a young whippersnapper, but I've worked out how to handle the situ now!
 
Thanks RF ^^

I started back in the lunge when I started riding again, wasn't allowed reins for quite sometime. I actually ride best with no reins, eyes closed and arms out straight in front of me! Go figure :)

I am off for an MRI soonish and doc suspects I may have a couple of herniated discs, my problems have been going on for along time and they think the muscle damage from an old riding accident may have led to excessive pressure elsewhere...

While riding I often have to stop, let it all go, flatten my back and go no stirrups to let my back go because I suddenly realise that I couldn't possible tighten another fibre in my body if I tried!
 
Billie1007 said:
What upset me the most is that I constantly feel like I am letting her down. After every ride I apologise to her and thank her and tell her that it's not her fault. I just want to be able to get the best out of her because she really is the most perfect thing.
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what are you letting her down over? are you not feeding her? watering her? giving her turnout? letting her be a horse??? if you kept her in her stable for 24 hours a day without any contact to anyone.... then you are letting her down.

to be honest she doest care if she goes in an outline, stays in the white boards or even trots in a straight line! she would feel let down if you neglected her, abused her and showed her no love! shes more than happy to stand in a field and eat grass and feel perfectly unlet down!

thank her for allowing you to rider her....but dont apologies for your riding...to be honest she doesnt care!!!! you dont beat her up, whip her etc you just have fun and enjoy the time spent trying to improve yourself and her! we all want the best out of our horses and all wish they looked like Mr. V and Mr. U!!!! however not all are cut out for this ;)

so think of changing your mindset... yes you want perfection...but perfection takes time.... the only way to perfection is by being positive and being able to analyse your performance..... find a negative point e.g. not enough bend....then find a positive point e.g. still hand.

ive come out of many a test/lesson crying...why? i only focused on the one negative moment where we wouldnt canter... (there were however 17 othert movements i seemed to forget about :/)
i got a good bo****king from my instructor one day to be told that i WILL NEVER PROGRESS if i keep this negative mindset.... a single positive from a lesson will do and this will grow in your mind...to another positive and another....

so think of one positive tonite....good stretch? bend on a circle? a good straight line?

so yes...i think it is worth time, money and emotion if you just ENJOY riding with a positive attitude and you are in no way lettting your girl down!
 
It sounds as if the real problem today is that your usual RI wasn't there and your friend didn't really know either how to react or how to phrase things so that you made the little tweaks that you know work. It would probably be best to wait until you RI is back before you try schooling again.
TBH unless you are Charlotte du Jardin, you are not really likely to achieve perfection, so it would probably be best to concentrate on just one thing to improve.
You wouldn't expect your pupils at school to achieve perfection would you? Because if they did they wouldn't need to go to your lessons. But you do expect them to enjoy your lessons and benefit from them while they work hard. That is the kind of deal you should expect from your lessons with Olive.
 
Oh bless you I know how you feel totally!

I agree it may be best to wait til your riding instructor is there, and just do some easy but useful work on your own relaxation and confidence. I had a friend give me some lessons and she made me feel really frustrated and crap, and just went too fast. I now have an instructor who understands about confidence and does not rush me too much, but obviously does make me do something! I only book lessons when I feel I am ready for another.

I find it helps to just get some perspective. There are people in this world who have never been on a horse and people who are doing dressage all wrong thinking it is right. I am basically relearning now and have the same sort of problems except mine are entirely in my head and I can't make myself believe I can do it, or even believe that my balance is good enough to sit the most half hearted buck!

Sometimes when you see good people ride and you watch competitions and have friends you think are good riders, you forget that you are probably better than a lot of other people out there, and at least you are always striving to improve!
 
I frequently came out of lessons in tears and it made me vow that when I taught I would always find something positive to say!!

Don't try to put everything right at once Billie, or you will be doomed to fail. Concentrate on one area and get that perfect so you no longer have to think about it before going on to the next. I am sure your lovely mare isn't too bothered by your perceived mistakes!
 
Billie1007 said:
My biggest problem is that I just don't want to let fat Olive down. I honestly love her too much, it's hard being in this position. Sometimes I wish I had never found out what she is capable of :)
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Olive doesn't care what she's capable of or what her "potential" is! She's a horse, she'll be happy to be loved and cared for properly, that's all. You mentioned in your OP that you had just read Jessi&Magic's thread re. that poor old neglected lad - now that is a horse whose owner has let him down (and has obviously got lucky now he has found Jessi). You are NOT letting Olive down! Don't be so hard on yourself :)
 
Thank you again. PS and LIR I know she probably doesn't give two hoots, but the reason feel bad is because I know it is me not getting the best out of her. If I'm too hard on her then we get Giraffe, but if I ask her in the right way then we get soft super cob. I'm just not quick enough at the moment to make all of the slightest changes that she needs, quarters drifting out, dropping that shoulder, not stepping through, dipped BTV. Argggghhhhhh it's too much at once :)

Will approach with a more gentle mindset tomorrow. I got off today and just thanked her and thanked her and said 'I'm so sorry StinkyFatHead, I'm so sorry' (she knows it's an affectionate term). She really is special.

My letting her down thing doesn't relate to what I think her potential is, it relates to not asking her in the right way. If I get it right then she gets it right, she will only do as she is asked, never anymore or any less and so if she doesn't go well it is always me not giving the right instruction. That's what I mean. I hate to think of me fighting her when all I need to do is relax, half halt, stop collapsing my hip etc!
 
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Auslander said:
I teach a few people who are excessively hard on themselves, question me praising them (and I'm not in the habit of saying something's good if it isn't!!) and generally beat themselves up the whole time - and they are the ones who don't improve. It's really hard - if you constantly criticise yourself, and don't appreciate the subtle improvements, you get so bogged down in misery that you don't get anywhere! Perfection takes a while to achieve, and expecting everything to come right all at the same time is way too great a mountain to climb in one go.
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This is so true. I'm one of these people and the negativity really keeps you in a rut. It's infuriating. I want perfection and my body can't give anything like it, even if Fergs could.

Olive is looking great and you're doing really well to be back in a position where you can ride her and work towards doing some dressage and anything else that takes your fancy. It's just a question of keeping at it, taking pleasure in the little things and letting things fall into place, one at a time. Easier said than done :p
 
Billie1007 said:
I'm just not quick enough at the moment to make all of the slightest changes that she needs, quarters drifting out, dropping that shoulder, not stepping through, dipped BTV. Argggghhhhhh it's too much at once :)
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I totally understand and I'm an overthinker, overtryer, over analyser...(not sure any of those are words) - generally get bogged down in *all* of the things that are not right.

I don't mean this in a negative way but I actually would suggest trying another instructor, even just for a session or 2. I had a real breakthrough during one lesson with a fantastic trainer who just gave me 3 things to focus on. Three really simple, obvious things, explained in a different way, that made a huge difference to me. I went away with those 3 little things and worked on them on my own, and made a big leap forward.

My regular trainer had a fantastic eye for detail but I was just overloaded by her. I regretfully came to the conclusion that the way she taught didn't help me because it made me despondent, not her fault at all, I just got overwhelmed. You can't correct everything at once and some things are more important than others (plus some things are caused by others .. makes sense to deal with the root cause and ignore the symptom on occasion)

It sounds a bit the same tbh :) You can always go back afterwards :)
 
Billie1007 said:
My letting her down thing doesn't relate to what I think her potential is, it relates to not asking her in the right way. If I get it right then she gets it right, she will only do as she is asked, never anymore or any less and so if she doesn't go well it is always me not giving the right instruction. That's what I mean. I hate to think of me fighting her when all I need to do is relax, half halt, stop collapsing my hip etc!
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Can I just say how refreshing it is to see a rider taking the blame for the partnership not achieving perfection. All too often, the rider blames the horse when it's at least 50/50 responsibility and more likely the riders fault that things are going wrong. Littlelegs has a fantastic quote from someone she used to ride for - this is the cleaned up version, especially for TFC, who didn't like the original.
"If you cannot be bothered to sit in the right place, how can you expect the horse to get it right and if by some miracle he does get it right, how is he supposed to know that he got it right, if you are doing it wrong?" Or words to that effect. I'm sure you can imagine the stable-yard version.

As I said, would you be so hard on one of your pupils, Billie?
 
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