Is there something wrong with me? (Livery Yards)

OP, I can sort of relate to your problem. I am generally not very 'chatty' especially with people I do not know. I also tend to keep my opinions to myself especially in the horse world as I know what I think and believe and why, but I don't want to have to defend myself to people that think differently. I'm terrified of confrontation and there is so much of that in the horse world even in the smallest issues. I'd much rather do things my way and let other people get on. I'm also very shy. For these reasons, I know I can come across as aloof and stuck up.

I've found sometimes on livery yards that people tend to make initial overtures of friendship/getting to know you but if you are shy, and also not into bitching or putting forward YOUR opinion on things, they then back away from you assuming you don't want their company. Unfortunately, the timing of this often seems to co-incide with me getting the confidence to actually start coming out of my shell and wanting to get to know people!

So I end up feeling as if I'm being ostracised or excluded when actually I've accidentally created this situation by appearing unfriendly when I'm actually shy. Take a look back and see if this is what has happened to you. If so, you can always try the direct approach of talking to the most friendly person at the yard and just saying that you felt really shy at first but you'd really like to get to know people better. Then just hang around for a bit at tea drinking time. You might find people warm up to you once you make more obvious overtures of friendship and explain you didn't feel confident at first.

Might not be the same for you but has worked for me in the past. good luck
 
The best advice I was given was "the horse lives there,not you."If the horse is happy and settled,I just wear headphones and keep busy.Or freak people out by being overly cheery
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Excellent advice.

I'm a bit like you - I keep myself to myself and never end up in cliques (that I know of). I'm also really unobservant, though, so whereas you might be a tad over sensitive to atmospheres, I tend to not notice and walk straight through the middle of WW3 and not even notice. I also tend not to notice when someone's got the hump with me, and I'm terrible at recognising people or remembering their names too, so even if someone has been nice to me I won't know who they are or remember them next time. Miss 'world of my own, away with the fairies', that's me ;)
 
This sort of thing happens all the time. Its the same at Pony Club. there is a clique of parents who stick together and occasionally pretend to be friendly but they do not want to get into a conversation and just scurry back to their own kind. OP i am sorry that this is affecting your enjoyment of your horse though sadly have no solution!
 
I suppose what you have to try and remember is that you love your horse and he is the reason you even have to go to a livery yard.

My horse was really settled and happy at our last yard and then the 'awful thing' happened and I had to leave and it really was the best thing for my horse and I in the end. He is really settled now and I feel safe and secure and happy in the knowledge that my horse is happy and safe. The other liveries are brilliant and its so relaxed and cheerful :D I cant see the need for me to move again now *touches wood left right and centre* :eek:
 
Only one yard I have left because I physically couldn't stay there any longer (as you know). The rest of them, Groes - very adult, worked out really well - nice yard and Oaklands - plenty of age range there but never ever any bitchyness that I noticed really.

Like you - I'm at the yard to do my horse. I turn up, if I see people I will stop and chat, make an appropriate hello to their horse if present and then carry on. The only friends I have made on the yards I have been to, have been naturally occuring. Not forced. As DS says, its your perogative how you relate to others, nothing wrong in keeping yourself to yourself.

However I feel you are doing yourself a disservice in the telling of this story because you have missed out some pretty pivotal parts - the drink-riding and the key scenario, which perhaps will give a little balance to the story!
 
I am sorry you feel like this, you sound like someone who tries hard not to offend any one, and it is a shame that you feel left out. I always take the approach that I am on the yard to enjoy my hobby and relax and i try hard to refuse to become involved in anything that creates an atmosphere. If someone seems grumpy when I say "Good Morning" I tell myself that they might have had a bad night and just give them some space for today, the next day I greet them in the same cheery manner as if I'd not noticed anything out of place. I make it a rule never to say anything behind anyones back that I wouldn't say to their face but TACTFULLY. "Yes So-and-so does seem to be getting a bit wound up about poo picking, but she's very stressed about her horse being lame just now, so perhaps if we make an extra effort it might help her to feel a bit better". I also make it obvious that I don't like people to be left out - if we're having coffee, then everyone gets offered a cup - even if they usually refuse one & they will be asked the next time and the next time, so that it's clearly their choice not to join in and it's equally clear that it won't be held against them if they don't. I'm not the only one on the yard with this approach and it seems to work well.

We now have a lovely group of people on the yard, none of us are perfect and we sometimes disagree but over all we do get on. A few months ago a lady left the yard after quite a few years of being here. She had always been someone who would say little more than "Good Morning", didn't seem interested in anything the rest of us were doing, she didn't seem keeen to stand about chatting and usually hacked out on her own. I never heard anyone say anything unpleasant about her, but after she left she told someone she never felt she really fitted in & didn't have anyone to ride with - we just thought that she prefered to get on with her own thing and thought we were respecting her right to do just that!

It's easy to give the impression of being aloof without really meaning to, but it's also easy to be friendly without getting involved in the bitchy stuff, show interest in what people are doing - "How did your competition go yesterday?" "Have you had a good holiday?" etc etc. If people start being critical of others, just develop a few neutral phrases to discourage the conversation. You sound like a really nice person, but its possible that you might need to socialise more with people if you want them to realise what a nice person you are.
 
QR - I am like you EF and never get involved with yard politics, cant stand it. I generally help out with the kids on the yard and their ponies as they are only there for the horses, not to bitch about each other.
Last time I was a livery, in 1 day I have about 4 liveries come up to me in the day and bitch about each other. In the end I told them I wasn't getting involved!
 
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