Juggling Kids, horses, unsupportive partner.

[Hero**]

Those of you with kids and unsupportive partners, how do you manage to ride? My partner has no interest in the horses and resents time I spend with them. One of my kids rides and the other doesn't, both are too young to be left alone for any great lenght of time.
He sulks whenever I go somewhere and he has to look after one or both. It's so demoralising. On top of that, if I'm going somewhere early in the morning he will refuse to get up and help me load. Horse is green and deffo not getting the kids to help there. So I often have to cancel plans unless he's in the mood to help.
The partner problem is another thread for another forum, but help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been on the verge of just giving up and selling the horses so many times. Some days it's just not worth the hassle ?

 

[TheLoneWanderer]

Keep the horses, get rid of the husband/boyf sorry but he sounds vile

 

[Snow Falcon]

He sulks if you go somewhere and he has to look after the kids? Are they his children? If so I'd be having strong words.

 

[Charley657]

That sounds like a frustrating situation to be in. Is he the father of your children? I don't think I would be happy with my kids dad refusing to look after his own kids.

 

[catembi]

Get some supportive friends to give you a hand? Pay a freelance groom/instructor to give you a hand? Are you on a yard? Is there anyone you could pay to help? Keen teenager?

 

[Gloi]

I think I'd spend time teaching the horse to load better so you don't need his help.
Thanks for reminding me why I'm glad I'm single.

 

[Ratface]

I agree with TLW's opinion and PF's analysis.
Does UP have any redeeming features? Good father? Entertaining companion? Calm and helpful in a crisis? Generous with time and/or money?
Nah? There's the door. Crawl under it. Bye. Job done.
Bar, of course, all the noise, drama, mud-slinging, expense, and general upheaval.
Very difficult indeed, for you and your children.
Take professional legal advice, triple-check financial outlook, have backup for children's care and plenty for you.
Best wishes and good luck.

 

[TPO]

It's very sad that the person who is supposed to love and support you in life isn't. What about all the time that you have the kids while he is elsewhere?

On an equine level echo the advice above to work on his loading and find a buddy on the yard to help (are you able to offer lifts?).

On a personal level I think the other issues need addressed, perhaps with family counselling?

You shouldn't be made to feel this way by a partner

 

[COldNag]

I gave up riding.
I am also now divorced.
My kids have spent many happy years around horses.
Some you win (divorce) some you lose (giving up the riding)

If they're his kids surely he should be doing his share of looking after them (I refuse to say helping with them!).

 

[Winters100]

I don't think that you need to give up, but probably something does have to change.

Could you discuss and come to some agreement about how long you will spend with the horses, and what time away he can have for his own hobbies? I do think that horses can in some cases become all consuming, and we can't really expect partners to be happy if all they see of us when they get home is the back of our head as we rush out of the door, but I am sure that a compromise is possible.

Regarding him getting up early to help you load I don't think that you can really expect this. I consider my partner to be very supportive, but I would not dream of asking him to do this. Personally I find that running the house as efficiently as I can helps, as long as dinner is on the table on time, his shirts are ironed and the house is tidy then everything seems to run smoothly, even if I am sometimes out for longer than planned.

 

[MagicMelon]

I have the same situation, mine would would be delighted if I got rid of the horses tomorrow. He does help me load though and do the odd thing I need him for. I have 3 young kids so it is hard. I have 2 at school/nursery so I ride during the day, the 1yr old I usually time it so that I rush out to ride while he's asleep (with monitor, Im lucky my horses are right beside my house) but I dont like riding if my OH is out in case I fell off and nobody knew my child was asleep in the house. On days, my OH is away then I'll lunge. If child doesnt sleep for some reason then I strap him to me and still lunge. It gets a lot easier once the evenings get lighter, then I can ride once the youngest two are in bed. I think you just have to accept its easier to not ride some days. I try not to ask him to watch the kids while I ride because it becomes a sort of tit for tat situation where he then wants an hour to do something he wants (which I dont mind at all, but its the way he moans about it!). He doesnt like me going away at a weekend to compete but its my downtime. I have 3 kids and a job, Id go mad if I didnt have the horses which I have explained to him many a time, he still doesnt get it but the horses are worth fighting for. I do tell him to take the other weekend day to do what he wants which he sometimes does.

 

[Flicker]

It sounds like the sulking thing is slightly separate from not wanting to get up early in the morning to help you load. TBF, unless you are super horsey, getting out of bed early to go and help load a horse is not anyone’s idea of fun (even friends and spouses). I would never ask my non-horsey OH to get up early on his day off to help me with my horse hobby.

The sulking thing is different though. This speaks to me of someone who doesn’t want you to have a hobby and could be a control thing. And he is the children’s parent - did he not understand when you guys set about creating new life that he would be just as responsible for caring for that new life through to adulthood as you are?? As you say, maybe something for another thread.

If he sulks, you always have the option of ignoring it. You may find that, if he realises it’s not changing anything, he might just stop doing it and just get on with being a nice husband and father who looks after his kids while his wife gets a bit of her own time doing something that makes her happy (god forbid).

In terms of making it work, if he’s too much effort with his sulking, if it was me I’d be looking for where else I could potentially be getting some more help either with the kids or with the horse to free up time to ride. Friends, family, babysitters, part- or full-livery are the options that spring to mind initially. Maybe you have others?

 

[Hero**]

Thanks for the replies. I had to chuckle, yes they are his kids! It's pretty grim reading isn't it. The marriage is in a bad way (obviously). That's a different days work. I need more immediate solutions for help loading at the weekend. The enthusiastic teen is actually an excellent idea. I have a young cousin who would probably trade rides for helpibg out, she doesn't drive though so Id have to ferry her in. Not on a yard, I have them at home.
Redeeming features are few I'm afraid. We're just circling the drain at the moment.
Also will definitely be working on getting the new boy to load on his own. Fortunately he has many many redeeming qualities, handsome, obedient, never answers back....?

 

[Hero**]

@MagicMelon yes, very similar here. I'll get the help now but pay later. And yes @ flicker, it's certainly about control, he would be the same whatever the hobby.

 

[TheLoneWanderer]

I'm really sorry, I was in a controlling relationship that severely damaged my mental health to the point I requested to be sectioned as I felt I was either going to kill myself, my oh or the evil mother in law. As soon as you have things sorted with the horses, get yourself and kids sorted so you can leave the Twonk.

 

[Roxylola]

Another vote for life being easier without the unsupportive partner

 

[Frano]

What can I say. Very difficult situatIon. I would stick to horses.

 

[Bellaboo18]

It's very sad that the person who is supposed to love and support you in life isn't.

It's this for me. Sorry you're in this situation. Where abouts in the country are you?

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

He resents ‘looking after’ aka parenting his own children? Sulking is an abusive/manipulative technique to train you to do as he wants.

I agree with keen teenager or sharer who just wants to be around youngsters.

 

[paddi22]

I've a friend who was in a similar situation, and that kind of got a solution that worked for them.. they would discuss and mark out in advance the days and times they needed for personal stuff. her husband relaxed a bit when he realised her was getting to mark out equal time for himself. so they kind of barter with each other! it stopped her husband doing the 'oh I spend all my time being called to help'. when it was agreed in advance that he'd be needed x hours 2 mornings a week he didn't moan about it, as he could 'bank' the hours for his stuff.

 

[McFluff]

Well the horse sounds like a keeper…
the teenager a practical help
and the relationship, please look after yourself. Don’t be the boiled frog and leave it too late to find the best outcome for you all.
good luck

 

[Nudibranch]

In fairness I think the men not wanting to look after the kids thing isn't uncommon. I know many people in the same boat, whereby the default childcare is mum. Dad goes off to the shed, the shops, the football, whatever, without even thinking about it whereas we end up working up to the whole "I'd like to go for a ride, can you mind ___?"

It's not an excuse but it's not unusual. And then we feel guilty for wanting a bit of time to ourselves. Which becomes even worse because the OH is sulking. Mine threw the toys out the pram only this week because I am busy feeding lambs. I haven't even ridden my horse for a month. I mean seriously...

That said, horses are demanding and a drain on time. For the first 2-3 years I felt totally conflicted, with 2 youngsters on the go in succession and a small child. In the end I've just made peace with riding when I can. At the moment with a house move, part time work, small child and a batch of lambs on the go, that's zero riding.

The way I've learned to look at it is my horse is going to be a bit greener than I'd like for longer. But she'll still be good for many years to come. Children grow up so fast and I never heard anyone wish they'd spent less time with their kids. They have to come first, that's just the deal when you have them. We mind not riding but the horses don't.

From my point of view the way forward has been to get my priorities sorted in my head and cut myself a bit of slack rather than get a divorce.

 

[twobearsarthur]

I grew up with a father who sounds just like your partner.
He resented mine and my mums bond over our love of horses. He sulked when we didn’t involve him. He’d sulk if we did, as he wasn’t interested. My abiding memory of my father to this day (30+ yrs later) is him ruining every show he came to by refusing to get out of the car to watch either me or my mum so we would usually have to load up the horses and go home early to keep the peace. I would have been 8 yrs old!
Don’t give up the horses that isn’t the solution. By the sounds of it you know what is already. My dad died 7 years ago. My mum can now admit she should have divorced him decades before he died. One thing we never gave up because of his sulks were the horses. In fact they gave us respite from him.

 

[Hero**]

Thanks for all the replies. It feels better just to vent so I really appreciate just the opportunity to have a virtual tantrum! I adore my kids. But the horses make my soul sing. I don't go around making that statement in real life I can tell you! For the pp who asked, I'm at a secret location in case I get outed ...?
I suppose this is the whole " horses are a lifestyle not a hobby" thing coming into play.
Maybe I should have married the ex boyfriend philandering jockey that he was. At least he got it. (I shouldn't have, without question!!)

 

[Hero**]

Twobears thank you, that sounds so difficult for both of you. I'm glad you and your mum maintained that bond. It is me and dd at the moment with the sour puss Dad. I want to do better for all of us.

 

[twobearsarthur]

Twobears thank you, that sounds so difficult for both of you. I'm glad you and your mum maintained that bond. It is me and dd at the moment with the sour puss Dad. I want to do better for all of us.

I’m like you horses make my soul sing. “Normal” people just don’t get that. I’m 43 my mums now 63 and we’ve just bought a yearling ID for our next adventure. We’re just creakier than we were when my dad sulked. My mum still laughs about the time he told her she couldn’t buy another horse so she bought 3!!! Her argument being he’d told her not to buy one more horse which she technically didn’t she bought 3 more. Virtual tantrums are good amd there’s always people on H&H who understand.

 

[Frano]

Some men behave like children all their lives. They us sulks to control you.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

There's two sides to every one of these stories and while I don't support anyone moaning about looking after their own children, it's important to remember that both people count in a relationship. Horse people are obsessed. Literally obsessed. Tunnel vision. Horses are so time and thought consuming. It can be difficult (and rightly so, in some cases) for people to understand why we have to do this hobby everyday, get up early, and take so much time for it. Especially when the other person doesn't have a hobby, or has one that's not the same, or doesn't get as much hobby or alone time because their partner is off with the horses.

I think it's realistic to expect support from your partner but they're not someone that just caters to you and your interests. They have a life too, and their interests. If your partner feels as though you're constantly sticking him with the kids while you go off to do horse stuff, he'll resent it. I think it might be something to hash out in couples counseling perhaps. I mean, it's also entirely possible that you two are just on separate wavelengths. Which can be frustrating and difficult. It's possible that what you're asking of him is fair, but he cannot see that, and perhaps an outsiders perspective would help him. Or if things are skewed/unfair, an outsider can also help you establish balance, compromise, and understanding.

I don't know you or the situation, and it may be as you say, but I just think that sometimes we also need to look at ourselves a bit, but it's also entirely possible that the partner needs to pull some weight. I do find horse people to be different and often unable to see that our hobby is ridiculously consuming. We often expect for our partners to completely shape themselves around this hobby/lifestyle, and I don't know if that's fair. Granted, there should be support there, don't get me wrong. It's difficult for a non-horse person to grasp, and sometimes I can see why (we're nuts). I think you have to have the right partner to do this horse thing, but also be realistic.

My OH is somewhat horsey and helpful, no qualms there. Sometimes he spends the whole weekend doing his hobby, which is seasonal, and I wouldn't dare say anything because I have no leg to stand on as the person that spends a few hours daily doing horse stuff. Would be incredibly selfish of me to gripe about how he wants to spend his weekend, but on the other hand, I know that he would be flexible if I really needed something.

It's fine if this is how you want to live re being horsey, and it's fine if you want to dedicate a chunk of your life to horses, but if your partner is not on-board then perhaps you two would be happier going separate ways, ultimately. It's more difficult when kids are involved I imagine. There are also times in our lives when horses have to be put on hold or reduced a bit, especially when kids come into the equation. Sure we'd like to have it all, and from the outside it would appear that some do, but sometimes we can't, and we have to adjust. Maybe this is one of those times? Or maybe not. If you're really unhappy with your partner and there are numerous issues, then you've got some thinking to do.

No matter what the situation actually is (again, I'm a stranger here, so I may be totally off), I do wish you and your kids the best and hope that you can find a solution that ends in peace and ultimately, happiness.

 

[Trouper]

Horse issues aside, what would concern me is the example being set to his kids. As @twobearsarthur describes, that behaviour can stay with a child for life. I guess if you were separated then he would at least have to step up and take care of them at the agreed times.
However, no one else can possibly say where the line should be drawn and maybe some conversations with a trained counsellor might help you to come to a decision which is right for everyone. They don't have to be joint sessions. Much as many of us on here have decades of life experience every situation is so personal and needs its own resolutions.

 

[I'm Dun]

I spent 10yrs with a similar sounding idiot. No kids involved thank god. But just wanted to caution you to be careful. When he realised that I really was leaving and he'd lost control he attacked me. Didn't do any serious physical damage but the mental damage has been devastating. Speaking to the domestic violence charities it is very, very, very, very common for this to happen in this sort of scenario. Leaving and the subsequent loss of control is a huge trigger point. It hopefully wont happen to you, but have a plan in case things do get worse.