Juggling Kids, horses, unsupportive partner.

[Highmileagecob]

Sounds very similar to my ex., except he was wedded to alcohol, that was his 'hobby' and I could never completely trust him to look out for the children. Big question I asked myself was what was the point of him being there? What did he contribute? And after he left he would never have the children for more than four hours at weekend. Collect at ten, and return at two, no overnight stays as that interfered with his lifestyle.

 

[CatInTheSaddle]

There are lots of smart and supportive people on here who can help you come up with solutions to shrink your equine life to a "tolerable" size for you, your children and your partner. For example:
- Rigid planning (we compete once a month, we have an off-site lesson once a month, no more, no less, these are non-negotiable but you will never ask for more).
- Sell the green horse and buy something you and the 8 year old can share, reducing the time you spend on care and riding.
- Only ride one day of the weekend so the other day is "family time".
And on and on.
But these options do not fill me with joy for you. This is because these options are compromises, and compromises are something you use with adults, not children who sulk when they don't get their way. But unlike a child, I get the impression that his sulks are targeted (whether consciously or unconsciously) at getting you to return to your place- taking care of the children, so... He doesn't have to? So he can do other things? Why is his place not with your children? Why is it only your job?
Hero, I will be frank with you. I don't like this for you one bit. I don't like this man who sees your soul singing and decides that because the song is sung for something else, it isn't right for you to do it. There is compromise in every marriage, yes. Especially with horses. But I want a future for you where you (and maybe your horsey child) set out for a ride and no part of your brain is stuck behind you, wondering what friction will be waiting when you return.

 

[southerncomfort]

I married a sulker so completely empathise!

However, for a marriage to work both partners have to be willing to compromise. Its not really fair for one partners hobby to takeover everyone's lives.

My husband goes for a longish bike ride every day and runs at the weekends. It is a bit irritating if he's not around when i need him to help with something around the house, but I bite my lip because given how much time I spend with the ponies it's only fair that he has time to enjoy his hobbies too. Not to mention the fact that he's largely funded my hobby over the years.

I wouldn't personally expect a non horsey partner to get up early to help load a horse. Maybe competing etc could go on the back burner until the children are a bit older.

Marriages don't work if you let issues fester. Much better to have that confrontation/discussion and get it all out in the open and find a way forward.

 

[maya2008]

Short term - childcare from a teen in return for rides is exactly what I did. I bundled the kids up and took them outside with me, in buggy with teen watching, then she got a go. If you are doing yard chores, just take them with you in buggy/toddling around depending on age and situation. I always did my horses while my husband was at work, so had similar issues for different reasons. In the winter, they can sit in the car on the yard (warmer) with a phone playing a video if necessary while you do chores. Best if there is a teen checking on them, but within sight and sound works if you have to.

Once they were both old enough to ride, I made sure I had a reliable horse to lead from, and a fantastically reliable first ridden for the older child. Younger one didn’t want to ride at first but I pointed out that it was either ride or walk, and she soon saw the advantages of sitting on a pony. Both now ride willingly aged 7 and 9, enjoying hacking out with me. They are also willing to play games with each other on their ponies in the school or field while I school mine.

 

[Snowfilly]

I grew up with a sulky Dad who hated the fact we had horses; he had time to do his own hobbies but refused to do anything aside from sitting watching TV and would get angry at anyone else having fun.

I remember being 5 years old and crying because he wouldn’t allow me to talk about my riding lesson with him in the room. He’d ruin shows and lessons, progressed to throwing tack and rosettes in the bin or garden and was generally a vile person. He’d sulk and use the silent treatment.

I don’t have one single positive memory of him and indeed his behaviour ruined large chunks of my childhood; from the age of 7 or so I was always trying to keep him happy and monitor my behaviour, interests and what I watched on tv (never the racing) so I wouldn’t make him angry at me. Those peacekeeping tendencies have stayed with me all my life, and destroyed a lot of relationships.

If that’s not the life you want for your kids, you need to get rid of him. He will ruin their lives, he will leave damage and wounds that never heal, and the sooner you change, the more chance they have of not being so badly affected.

 

[tda]

Back to the horse loading issue, there are lots of people who can train you and the horse (whatever age) to load and stay there safely, Intelligent Horsemanship, or whatever.
Lots of people manage to load and transport alone, make your next effort to get that sorted then you can go out with less issues.
Don't have kids so can't comment, but look after yourself too x

 

[Annagain]

Does your partner do his fair share with the kids if the horses aren't involved? Does he put them to bed or cook tea or entertain them after school / help with homework etc? If the answer to that is yes, I'd try to work out a compromise around the horse. A night in the week and a morning at weekends for each of you to do what you want, the rest of the time is family time and you all do stuff together. If the answer is no, send him packing. At least that way you'll get a night in the week and a day at the weekend when he has to be a father and look after them all on his own and the rest of the time you'll have to juggle the horses and kids but at least you won't have to worry about him too.

I'd get a ground work trainer to help you with the loading. It helped me with my boy immensely.

 

[TheLoneWanderer]

My dad was a horrible bully and would sulk or throw a strop if any of us did something he didn't want to do. My mum has been down trodden by him for 55 years and has very little self confidence. My older sister and I begged her to divorce the bastard in our teens but she wasn't brave enough. Now he has dementia and she is his main carer. She has come to realize recently. Her elderly years would have been so much easier and more peaceful had she left years ago. It's very sad. I see him weekly and sometimes he knows who I am and is vile, other times he doesn't recognize me and try's to turn on the charm he always have outsiders. My sister has had nothing to do with him for 6 years. We all hope that he won't be around much longer for mum's sake.
Please OP don't get yourself stuck like my mum did.

 

[dorsetladette]

Are ponies at home?

I wouldn't expect my other half to get up and help load a horse for me if he had to go to a yard to do it. Now a days he probably would as he's gone from being anti my hobby to embracing it (IMHO a little to much) but that's another story.

My advise would be to spend some time on loading practise so your 100% confident horse will load, then you don't need to ask for help.

When my kids were little my competing went on the back burner and in fact my riding did the majority of the time as I put my efforts into their hobbies. Luckily daughter was obsessed with ponies so got my competition fix from there. I was also able to keep mine as a field ornament with daughters pony. I would take an afternoon off work to hack out every couple of weeks in the summer.

As for him not looking after his own kids, I think that is a another conversation to be had. If you enjoyed running or going to the gym he would need to step in and do his fair share. And I'm sure when he wants to do something or has a hobby he enjoys you don't sulk because you have to take care of his kids.

 

[Hallo2012]

poor you, they aren't all like this....my OH spent an hour in the rain on sat loading the 4yo, then walked for an hour hacking with me and has had the lorry out and helped me load every night this week...

short term id get a loading trainer out and get that stress sorted. I am having a well recommended girl out to help me nail it as my OH needs to start training for a triathlon so (understandably) wont be so available and i need to be able to go it alone.

 

[Hero**]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful replies. To be fair, I think I was unreasonable expecting him to get up early on the weekend to help me load. And the obsessed horse person description does probably describe me....
We have other issues with boundaries and my lingering resentment from years of doing the lions share of the work with babies and toddlers. It blinds me to my own unreasonable behaviour sometimes.
The new boy is a good loader, I just don't want to take any chances as he is young and I want to maintain his good manners and attitude.
Genuinely thanks for so many responses. I have plenty of nice quiet road hacking around me so went out this afternoon and that settled my head. No need for boxing at all, and extremely relaxing. Came back with a better attitude!