MargotC
Well-Known Member
Hi all,
This is, perhaps, a bit of a heavy topic as far as first posts go, but I have been wondering about this for a while.
The (rather long, sorry) back story is this: I got my first horse in January 2005. Was by no means a novice rider having leased and ridden horses for my RS instructor for years, but was new to the novelty of having my very own. He was a Standardbred gelding, rising 5, at the time a rescue and a bit of an impulse buy as he was scheduled to go to slaughter a few days later due to not being competitive enough. In hindsight not the choice I would have made for a first horse could I choose again, but he was wonderful for all his quirks. I spent that year and the next bringing him on and we went from literally having two paces (walk or GO) to mastering canter, direct transitions from walk to canter and back, cantering on long reins, doing cross-country courses; you name it. He proved incredibly versatile. I lived for the moments I could really feel him get it - it was like having a light bulb switch on and you could tell he enjoyed it.
He was, of course, not without faults, but then again what horse is. He was what you could call a one-man horse, he did not thrive with change, he did not travel easily, and every now and then he could pull stunts while hacking (bucks, leaping towards lorries) that meant you had to take precautions of when and where to ride him. While I would have let most anyone handle him on the ground, I could not put another rider on him without supervision.
In 2010, I was forced to admit I needed a horse more suited to my needs as they were then and the rider I had become. Having given up lessons and competing in favour of hacking and work commitments, I needed a horse that was more reliable and safe to hack. I took a long time making the decision because I knew I could not afford having two horses - I kept him at a part-time livery and while he would likely have been happy as a lawn ornament, I had no way of affording those arrangements.
Due to his aforementioned quirks, I was not comfortable with the idea of selling him on. He would have no value on an already filled-to-the-brim horse market, and the only prospective buyers I could foresee were teenage girls and people looking for a cheap horse with no guarantee of his - or their own - safety. I did not want to see him passed around like so many other horses and so the decision was made to have him PTS.
He went two weeks after I got my new horse. It was done at the yard by the local knackerman - as mentioned he was hard to travel so taking him anywhere was a no-go as it would have only caused him stress, and he would have known something was up if the vet came around. I couldn't bear to be present on the day - I knew I would never have been able to remain calm, and me being in hysterics wouldn't do anyone any good. My boy, of course, had no idea he was going anyway. The YO and my friend were with him as they were people who handled him regularly and he trusted them. He went while being at home after receiving treats and lots of special attention...
I thought I was coping in the months following his death. I felt sad, and guilty, and I kept picturing his last moments in my mind's eye, but I told myself it was normal and that it would grow less hard with time, and I did enjoy spending time getting to know my new girl who truly turned out to be my horse-of-a-lifetime.
However, a year later, I crashed. I ended up having to quit my job after developing what was later diagnosed as panic disorder with severe panic attacks. I was eventually forced to sell my girl in 2013 because my illness meant I couldn't handle working and so couldn't afford to keep her. I also eventually had problems taking her out on hacks at times due to the panic attacks... It wasn't fair on her so I let her go to a lovely lady who lives nearby. I was absolutely devastated.
I do go to therapy for the panic disorder, but I don't really find it helpful with regards to getting back into horses which is what I would love to be able to do. My therapist's comment on losing my boy was "tell yourself he has gone to the horse version of heaven"... Needless to say I haven't brought up the subject with him after that. I do think I made the right and responsible decision for my boy at the time, and I do know I gave him five good years with me, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.
For anyone who has gone through a similar predicament of putting a ~healthy horse down - how do you cope with the guilt and the aftermath?
And for anyone who suffers from panic attacks no matter the cause - how do you handle them when it comes to riding and being around horses?
I would love nothing more than to get back into riding if not on my own horse, but at this point I fear I might not be able to...
This is, perhaps, a bit of a heavy topic as far as first posts go, but I have been wondering about this for a while.
The (rather long, sorry) back story is this: I got my first horse in January 2005. Was by no means a novice rider having leased and ridden horses for my RS instructor for years, but was new to the novelty of having my very own. He was a Standardbred gelding, rising 5, at the time a rescue and a bit of an impulse buy as he was scheduled to go to slaughter a few days later due to not being competitive enough. In hindsight not the choice I would have made for a first horse could I choose again, but he was wonderful for all his quirks. I spent that year and the next bringing him on and we went from literally having two paces (walk or GO) to mastering canter, direct transitions from walk to canter and back, cantering on long reins, doing cross-country courses; you name it. He proved incredibly versatile. I lived for the moments I could really feel him get it - it was like having a light bulb switch on and you could tell he enjoyed it.
He was, of course, not without faults, but then again what horse is. He was what you could call a one-man horse, he did not thrive with change, he did not travel easily, and every now and then he could pull stunts while hacking (bucks, leaping towards lorries) that meant you had to take precautions of when and where to ride him. While I would have let most anyone handle him on the ground, I could not put another rider on him without supervision.
In 2010, I was forced to admit I needed a horse more suited to my needs as they were then and the rider I had become. Having given up lessons and competing in favour of hacking and work commitments, I needed a horse that was more reliable and safe to hack. I took a long time making the decision because I knew I could not afford having two horses - I kept him at a part-time livery and while he would likely have been happy as a lawn ornament, I had no way of affording those arrangements.
Due to his aforementioned quirks, I was not comfortable with the idea of selling him on. He would have no value on an already filled-to-the-brim horse market, and the only prospective buyers I could foresee were teenage girls and people looking for a cheap horse with no guarantee of his - or their own - safety. I did not want to see him passed around like so many other horses and so the decision was made to have him PTS.
He went two weeks after I got my new horse. It was done at the yard by the local knackerman - as mentioned he was hard to travel so taking him anywhere was a no-go as it would have only caused him stress, and he would have known something was up if the vet came around. I couldn't bear to be present on the day - I knew I would never have been able to remain calm, and me being in hysterics wouldn't do anyone any good. My boy, of course, had no idea he was going anyway. The YO and my friend were with him as they were people who handled him regularly and he trusted them. He went while being at home after receiving treats and lots of special attention...
I thought I was coping in the months following his death. I felt sad, and guilty, and I kept picturing his last moments in my mind's eye, but I told myself it was normal and that it would grow less hard with time, and I did enjoy spending time getting to know my new girl who truly turned out to be my horse-of-a-lifetime.
However, a year later, I crashed. I ended up having to quit my job after developing what was later diagnosed as panic disorder with severe panic attacks. I was eventually forced to sell my girl in 2013 because my illness meant I couldn't handle working and so couldn't afford to keep her. I also eventually had problems taking her out on hacks at times due to the panic attacks... It wasn't fair on her so I let her go to a lovely lady who lives nearby. I was absolutely devastated.
I do go to therapy for the panic disorder, but I don't really find it helpful with regards to getting back into horses which is what I would love to be able to do. My therapist's comment on losing my boy was "tell yourself he has gone to the horse version of heaven"... Needless to say I haven't brought up the subject with him after that. I do think I made the right and responsible decision for my boy at the time, and I do know I gave him five good years with me, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.
For anyone who has gone through a similar predicament of putting a ~healthy horse down - how do you cope with the guilt and the aftermath?
And for anyone who suffers from panic attacks no matter the cause - how do you handle them when it comes to riding and being around horses?
I would love nothing more than to get back into riding if not on my own horse, but at this point I fear I might not be able to...
