Long term cures for yard bitchiness??

[topbanana]

Regular poster here under pseudonym. I’m on a nice DIY yard of around 30 or so people, so fairly large. It’s great in general and is run by a farmer, who’s great but doesn’t want to be involved in anything other than e.g. mending fences and bringing us hay bales. In general everyone gets on and does their thing, and it works really well, but it means there’s no chance of managerial input with yard bitchiness.

Lately we’ve got this little group who have turned super bitchy. It turns out everyone on the yard has an issue with them to some extent. They are all ok individually but together are very snidey and love laughing at everyone behind their backs (of course they’re also the group that hardly ride themselves, but love bitching about everyone else’s riding). They make people feel very uncomfortable and create a real atmosphere – noticed by everyone, from people who’ve just arrived on the yard, to long term residents, to the kids! They love to stir up trouble but in quite a subtle way (for example, there have been reports of food going missing, which I reckon are nothing but stirring) and that sort of thing. It’s nothing massively obvious, so hard to pin down, but it is noticed by all.

On a personal level, I really don’t care what they think of me or my riding, and I’m happy to ‘rise above it’ as it were and I just ignore them. However, it seems so stupid that a whole group of like 25 people are getting frustrated by this group and that we can’t DO anything about it long term other than just ignore them.

I’m just interested in what others have done in situations like this (without intervention of yard manager). Yard meetings?! If so, how did you keep them from turning into slanging matches? I can’t imagine this lot being very open to constructive criticism. Maybe there is no resolution other than everyone just ignoring it?! Anyway – interested in others’ thoughts on the matter.

 

[Auslander]

Bring back the ducking stool!

 

[SpringArising]

I'd have a little BBQ at the yard or something similar, and invite them all along. If they came, I'd make a real effort with them and hopefully by the end of the night they'll realise how bitchy they've been for nothing and feel bad.

 

[FairyLights]

leave!

 

[webble]

I'd have a little BBQ at the yard or something similar, and invite them all along. If they came, I'd make a real effort with them and hopefully by the end of the night they'll realise how bitchy they've been for nothing and feel bad.

Lovely post

 

[Tess Love]

If 25 of you are truly happy then be exactly that don't let them rule your happiness or dictate the atmosphere. If you're all outwardly very happy in each other's company they'll probably want to join in and change their ways. If not still continue to be the happy majority and just enjoy your horses.

 

[skint1]

If 25 of you are truly happy then be exactly that don't let them rule your happiness or dictate the atmosphere. If you're all outwardly very happy in each other's company they'll probably want to join in and change their ways. If not still continue to be the happy majority and just enjoy your horses.

I really think this is the best course of action.

 

[FBDD]

It's a tough scenario and one that I similarly experienced a couple of years ago. It started with a couple of them stirring things up but they chose to pick on one particular person. It was fairly continuos, one event after another and it just kept escalating til it got out of control. They even started fighting amongst themselves and the police got involved. It was the most awful situation that I wouldnt wish anyone to go through. It should have been dealt with quickly from the outset but again the yard owner didn't want to get involved and didn't know how to deal with it. I left in the end because it was then being taken out on the horses, water buckets being punctured, muck out tools being hidden, horses left out on their on when others were fetched in etc....

 

[stormox]

theres only 5 bitchy ones- ignore them, its their lossfalling out with 25 who could be friends....

 

[Theocat]

I'd have a little BBQ at the yard or something similar, and invite them all along. If they came, I'd make a real effort with them and hopefully by the end of the night they'll realise how bitchy they've been for nothing and feel bad.

Agree. If you include them in lots of things they'll quickly find they can't keep it up. I'd also lead by example and just make sure that no-one gives in to any temptation to gossip or bitch, ever. I know you think everyone else is lovely, but there has to be some way that you've all found out you're all getting peed off by these five!

 

[SO1]

Never experienced anything like this on a yard but have done a large scale at work. Slightly different as Directors stepped in to sort out trouble makers.

However one thing I do is not just to not get involved - the culprits tried to drag others into their bitching - I declined to say anything horrible about anyone and tried to avoid situations where people did which were mainly social work gatherings. This resulted in me being accused of being passive aggressive for refusing to join in with the bitching.

I then decided that perhaps I need to do more than just not getting involved and so if i heard anyone say anything horrible about anyone I would turn round and say something really positive about that person.

If you think they are targeting particular people you could as group make sure you say lots of positive things about those people, it may make the others think twice if they know that their opinion is not shared and make them look a bit foolish.

 

[Holly Hocks]

Ipod and ignore. I call my earphones my "bulls4!t buffers"

 

[skint1]

I do think that bitching is a part of the dynamic of any group, whether a yard, an office, little things you do will annoy others and little things they do will annoy you. What I don't like is when it gets serious-malicious gossip that is very personal or designed to get someone fired or thrown out of the yard who doesn't really deserve it. Or makes them feel so desperately alone and uncomfortable that they hate coming to see their horse in case certain other people are there. That winds me up.

 

[Queenbee]

I'd have a little BBQ at the yard or something similar, and invite them all along. If they came, I'd make a real effort with them and hopefully by the end of the night they'll realise how bitchy they've been for nothing and feel bad.

I would do the opposite, I'd have a BBQ and not invite them... Make them realise that there is a big group of people who can see their actions for what they are and they have not gone unnoticed... Tbf this probably is not what you should do, but it would drive home a strong message!

 

[Firefly9410]

You say they are subtle in their troublemaking. People like this I do not get involved with them at all. Any comments met with a smile, pointedly removing an earphone and hmm for a response said neutrally. Then claim to be short of time and get back to what I am doing including putting the earphone back! Make an effort to chat and hack with the nice ones but no bitching. I think it is worth altering my day or my routine at the yard to avoid these people too. For instance if they are there on arrival but likely to leave soon, throw on tack and hack out or skip out and save a full muck out for a day when they are not there.

 

[topbanana]

Thanks all . Interesting reading.

The 'inviting to a barbeque' is a nice idea but definitely no go, as they will just find a way to either not go and be horrible about it - case in point a very inclusive, just-for-fun gymkhana (plus cakes and tea type day) was organised and they made a big fuss and lied that they had lessons booked in the school so that all the kids had to go in a field instead, and THEN made a fuss about how annoying it was that people were cantering up and down in the field. They won't join in unless it's organised by them.

Interesting responses though. There is obviously some gossiping that goes on outside the group - though I would actually say it's more like gossip than bitching. The only way it gets bitchy is when this group start their post-yard drink-driving and that's when people get cross! But anyway - maybe the yard needs to work out some sort of strategy, either being really positive whenever something negative is said, or else just having fun without them ;-). I don't know - maybe there isn't really any answer. It's just frustrating really. Never mind, I guess we're lucky to have what is otherwise a nice group.

 

[fatpiggy]

I used to work in an office with 3 more senior female staff (although they were about the same age as the rest of us). Each on their own was absolutely fine but put them together and they were prize bitches and would say really quite awful things about members of the team. Now I accept that you can't like everyone in life and you might even feel quite strongly against someone, but to hear a colleague described as that fat cow downstairs during a meeting was beyond the pale (she wasn't fat by the way). The three of them used to socialise at weekends regularly too so it really was quite a clique. But one glorious day one of them was away and I overhead the other two bitching good and proper about her and I laughed like a drain. They really showed their true colours that day and I actually felt sorry for them.

 

[skint1]

Having just had yet another cold shoulder for no discernible reason from someone I thought of as a friend and have gone out of my way to accommodate and help many times I would say not to bother pandering to them, or inviting them to stuff it won't make any difference. Their actions during your yard gymkhana say it all really. Some people are never happy unless they control everything and even then they're not happy unless they've got someone to pick on, not much you can do but be polite and keep your distance, if they haven't got the good manners to reciprocate that's really their problem. I know I will be doing that from now on. I'm done.

 

[Annagain]

Thanks all . Interesting reading.

The 'inviting to a barbeque' is a nice idea but definitely no go, as they will just find a way to either not go and be horrible about it - case in point a very inclusive, just-for-fun gymkhana (plus cakes and tea type day) was organised and they made a big fuss and lied that they had lessons booked in the school so that all the kids had to go in a field instead, and THEN made a fuss about how annoying it was that people were cantering up and down in the field. They won't join in unless it's organised by them.

Interesting responses though. There is obviously some gossiping that goes on outside the group - though I would actually say it's more like gossip than bitching. The only way it gets bitchy is when this group start their post-yard drink-driving and that's when people get cross! But anyway - maybe the yard needs to work out some sort of strategy, either being really positive whenever something negative is said, or else just having fun without them ;-). I don't know - maybe there isn't really any answer. It's just frustrating really. Never mind, I guess we're lucky to have what is otherwise a nice group.

Report them to the police for the drink driving. They will sit up outside the yard and stop them. They may not catch them over the limit but it will stop it happening! They'll know someone dobbed them in but not who and it might be enough to make them realise they're upsetting people.

 

[topbanana]

Sorry to hear that Skint1! I guess there's no helping some people, and that's their problem.
It's just a shame that people lead such negative lives really and that the rest of us have to put up with it!
Oh well. This group's problem tends to be jealousy (e.g. they get much worse with people who are out competing or having lessons or having fun or whatever), so I guess the rest of us just have to remember that if they're jealous then that means we're doing something right and it's really a good thing, haha! We should be worried when they aren't jealous ;-)!

 

[topbanana]

Report them to the police for the drink driving. They will sit up outside the yard and stop them. They may not catch them over the limit but it will stop it happening! They'll know someone dobbed them in but not who and it might be enough to make them realise they're upsetting people.

Yes quite a few people are considering this one!! Not sure if anyone has yet. Will find out.

 

[skint1]

Sorry to hear that Skint1! I guess there's no helping some people, and that's their problem.
It's just a shame that people lead such negative lives really and that the rest of us have to put up with it!
Oh well. This group's problem tends to be jealousy (e.g. they get much worse with people who are out competing or having lessons or having fun or whatever), so I guess the rest of us just have to remember that if they're jealous then that means we're doing something right and it's really a good thing, haha! We should be worried when they aren't jealous ;-)!

True. In my case it isn't that they're jealous, they go out competing and having fun more than most, it's that I can't live up to their standards. I'm not even sure they can live up to their own standards!

 

[Swirlymurphy]

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Be unfailingly nice to them every single day. Look them in the eyes and smile through your gritted teeth. Get the other 25 to do exactly the same. With a bit of luck on your side, they might start to wonder what the heck is going on and adjust their behaviour. Or leave. Which might be a bit of a good result!

 

[benson21]

BBQ idea is a good one, we used to have one every year, and it really did bring everyone together. Liveries, farm workers and farm owners, all playing rounders on the front lawn, and some (not me of course!!!) getting really quite drunk, and falling asleep in a stable!!

 

[OWLIE185]

I have always failed to understand why people waste so much time just hanging about on the yard and not doing anything constructive like ride their horse.
When I was on a yard I used to get up there groom the horse, tack him up and go off for a nice long hack. When I go back I would sort the horse out and disappear.
A number of 'experts' at the yard said that I would kill my horse by hacking him so much but as it happens I owned him from age 8 to age 25 when he was sadly put down.
Too many people not hacking their horses enough.

 

[beth21]

If there's 25 of you and 5 of them I definitely think the simple answer is to keep it totally civil but ignore their comments and don't include them in anything. They're hugely outnumbered so I think the majority have the power to take away their ability to create an atmosphere. They're behaviour most likely stems from jealousy, so you can take some satisfaction from that if ever the situation is really getting you down.

If there's incidents happening like feed going missing, no matter how small I wouldn't rule out starting a log. That way, once so many things have happened you can call everyone together and raise the concerns to everyone (without pointing the finger) to let them know you're aware of the situation and are keeping track of it.

Regarding the drink driving, I would definitely consider reporting them. They won't be able to pin point exactly who did it and it doesn't take more than a few drinks to cause a potentially fatal accident.

 

[foraday]

Oh dear not good always a shame when just a few spoil it!

Other than the suggestions above we name our bully's!!!

We have Hitler, Inspector Gadget and the latest one matron aka self appointed yard manager!!!

None of them are any good but they all live up to their names!!!!

Hitler bashes anything she feels like

Inspector Gadget obviously inspects everything but her own stuff

Matron the latest one believes she speaks for the yard!!!!

IF these 3 just disappeared into a hole in Norfolk and never came back we would be one happy lot!!!!

Seems every yard has them!

 

[EmmaB]

Personally I would call them out on it. If you actually go up to someone face to face and confront them about what they are doing then most people suddenly back down.

I've had it a few times at work, people who think they are above you, they get so shocked at someone standing up to them, they don't know what to say. Had no issues after.

Also on a yard one woman on my friends yard wouldn't pay, wouldn't leave despite being told for months, would leave her horse in with no food and water, would steal from others. My friend didn't like confrontation and would never say anything to her so I spoke to the woman about her behaviour and a few weeks later she packed up and left.

Some people just need telling no matter how peaceful you want it to be!

 

[SunSeeker]

What is it with the modern female these days.....


Why cant they just be nice decent human beings and get along with each other.
I guess they dont really have too much going on in their lives other than being nasty to other people.

Its a bit sad really, and must make the atmosphere very unpleasant at times, I'm not sure there is any real cure for these personality types.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Invite them to BBQ put laxative in their drinks and make sure the loo roll has run out I mean when is there ever any loo roll at most yards anyway.