Losing confidence? Please don't laugh.....

[BeBopTalulah]

I've been around horses all my life. I do no claim to be an expert, or a great rider, but essential I 'know' horses and have always been comfortable around them. I enjoy working with them, I have backed and broken my own (quiet) mare myself and have never had any major problems with confidence. I think I have a realistic and sensible respect and I am always aware of the potential dangers.

My 4 year old homebred mare died last April very suddenly and I am still devastated. Ridiculous as it seems, I struggled to set foot back on the yard, walk past her box etc. Apart from the odd hack out on a friend's ex police horse I haven't been working with horses this year, but I offered to help a friend do some ground work with her 3 year old New Forest X, to keep my hand in and to have some pleasure working with the beasties again. I have suddenly become very aware of having some personal space issues on the ground, even with a little pony. He's a little toady and rude, but he is only 3 and I don't believe there's any badness in him. I have also become quite nervous around larger horses (helping turn out, waiting for vets/farriers etc.). These are horses that I've known for years, I live beside our family yard and I'm very lucky to have good friends around. I posted a topic on here as I was looking to buy another horse, but now I'm wondering if I'm capable? What's changed? Why have I lost the relaxed feeling I used to have around horses? I am actually terrified of the thought of buying a horse I don't know and trying to move forward with it.

Maybe I'm looking too much into this......

P.S I am fully aware of how pathetic this all seems.

 

[Arizahn]

I think you are still recovering from the loss of your mare. Grief hits everyone differently, and maybe you don't trust that it won't happen again with these horses too, so it is making you on edge and that is chipping away at your confidence? Not pathetic at all. <hugs>

 

[_GG_]

There is nothing pathetic about that post at all OP. You suffered a devastating loss and you have had time away. Either one of those can be enough to see you knocked off your game so to speak, so the two together, it is not surprising you feel this way.

I you didn't ride a bike for a year, you wouldn't forget how to ride it...but you certainly wouldn't get back on and feel confident enough to go tearing down a mountain track.

It will take time and relaxation. Not putting pressure on yourself to help others or do anything in particular, but just being around horses just for the sake of it...learning to enjoy them again.

Really sorry you lost your mare

 

[BeBopTalulah]

Thank you. She was a wonderful horse, I had her mother before her and there was a special bond there. She had grass sickness rising 5, just as we were making great progress.

 

[dogatemysalad]

If you've got out of the routine of handling these horses, it's fair to suddenly feel a little out of the loop and unsure.
Try not to over analyse and get back out there.

Sometimes people feel such a sense of responsibility when they buy a new horse, that those wobbly feelings give way to a determination to ensure the horse is settled and secure. You have a lot to offer a horse with your experience, don't let it go to waste.

 

[FfionWinnie]

Its just because you aren't doing it a lot. I gave up for ten years and ended up turning out some polo ponies when I stayed at a B&B once. They were (to me!) huge and really unmannerly and it was a case of walking them quite a way across fields. I didn't know them at all. Anyway, I felt really vulnerable and I was surprised by that. Now I have four of our own again and I am completely fine with them, although I'd rather not handle other folks, I have and have survived.

 

[Patchworkpony]

Grief can make people lose confidence in general, especially if it goes hand in hand with a nasty shock. Take a day at a time and set yourself very small goals. What ever you do don't look back and say 'I used to be able to cope with that what is wrong with me?' Life is constantly changing and we all have to change with it; so be gentle with yourself and never put a time limit on what you think your feelings ought to be.

 

[mulledwhine]

I hope no one laughs, I am in the same position

I swear never to have another, although mini has her own pony, my confidence is zero, but slowly I am starting to think I want another.

((( hugs )))

 

[BeBopTalulah]

This is a lovely forum, honestly. It's so good to share, thanks guys

My closest non-horsey friends just don't get it. When I lose any animal I do tend to take it badly, but horses in particular. Lu was my baby. I also vividly remember her being PTS in the arena. I don't know what I thought it would be like, but that alone was extremely distressing to see, but I had to be there for her til the end.

 

[canteron]

OP it is always devastating to lose a horse but with a home bred it is particularly devastating and to an extent maybe it is only time which can heal that.

On a more practical note, I have found that with a specific incident a really really good grounded hypnotherepist can help. A good person will help you treasure the memory of your horse but help you put it in perspective. As an outsider it would seem that your experience has ruined your ability to trust anything equine - a good person could help you rebalance that and let you give your obvious knowledge and love to another equine soul.

Whatever you decide really good wishes.

 

[Tobiano]

oh bless your heart OP! This doesnt sound like a confidence thing to me, more like your heart not being able to deal with being around horses after your awful loss. I agree with canteron - some kind of therapy is probably in order. (not necessarily hypnotherapy IMHO though that might be great), but I think what you are suffering from is grief which is manifesting itself in this particular way. I really hope you can find the answer, but if the answer is that horses are not for you for a while, then be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty. Hugs x x

 

[JustMeThen]

just being around horses just for the sake of it...learning to enjoy them again.

Really sorry you lost your mare [/QUOTE]

This, in spades. I'm so sorry about your mare and agree that that, and the time away, is probably the cause - plus, it's always worth being wary of bolshy three-year-olds! And it's not pathetic at all... hope it goes well for you x

 

[Fjord]

Nothing useful to add, just hugs x

 

[Pearlsasinger]

It isn't pathetic at all, it is quite natural, that as part of the grief reaction you realise that life in general and with horses in particular isn't as easy as you thought. The circumstances in which you lost your mare were completely outside your control and that can be devastating in itself. There is lots of good advice on here but what about taking a slightly different approach?
Could you volunteer with an RDA group, where you would be concentrating on the riders and the horses would almost be incidental. After a while, I think you would find that your confidence would build almost without you realising it.

 

[Elsbells]

It sounds as if you head is trying to protect your heart. It's saying to you don't go near horses, don't get attached, it's dangerous and you will get hurt again.

Your interpreting it as a physical danger when really it's emotional.

Time will heal eventally, it will get less painfull and one day you'll learn to love them again.

 

[Big Ben]

More hugs from me, and no laughing.

 

[babymare]

Oh hun you dont sound pathetic and as soneone who lost her confidence from something as simple as peoples comments i am certainly not laughing.as others have said you are grieving. please stop being hard on yourself. sometimes it takes little steps to get confidence back. With support and finding what you enjoy and taking it from there. my daughter paid me to go on weekend riding hol. it was a surprise as she wanted me to get back in saddle. i was among strangers and it wirked. i know now thats where i want to be after 3 years of rrfusing to get on. confidence is a delicate thing but you willl get it back i promise. and it takes a lot of guts to come on here and post as you have. and thats been your first step. well done x x

 

[splashnutti1]

So sorry for your loss hun.

I know how you feel, i lost my mare who i had owned for 10 years suddenly last may, she took ill and within 4 hours collapsed and died

I am an experienced qualified horse person who was competing most weekends and hunt riding with my mare. When she died i to completely lost my confidence it was like it died with her, we had such a close bond i trusted her with my life, i have a old man so had to keep going to the yard but couldnt bear to look at her stable and her things or the place where she died, i couldnt even pick up her last poo ( silly i know).

i didnt want to ride and felt so pathetic, i did eventually buy another horse who if i am honest has the patience of a saint as everytime i got on him i would physically shake and panic at the slightest thing, i felt so stupid and couldnt understand my problem. i was lucky to have a lot of support from family and friends.

A year on and i am slowly getting better i now can get on without worry and even attempted my first showjuming a few weeks ago (it was well ....intetersing.... lol) but we got round

It will take time hun to deal with the loss of your much loved horse, i still miss my mare everyday but my new lad has helped me focus and move on. dont feel silly no-one will laugh at you hun (((hugs)))

Just take things one step at at time xxx