Losing your heart horse

[anon1997]

I lost my pony of a lifetime nearly 4 months ago and I miss him so much. I'm not sure what I'm wanting to gain from this post, maybe the hope that it is going to get better, but I have cried nearly every day since he left my life.

He had been my special boy since I was just 12 years of age (taking me up to almost 27). He was my dream pony and although it wasn't always smooth sailing, and I definitely took him for granted during my teenage years, there was never a day I didn't love him wholeheartedly. Now I just feel lost. I wasn't expecting to lose him this young, he was only 23 and before his short illness to which we had to let him go, he had never had a day sick or lame and I was convinced I'd get him to 30. Or that we would get that nice final ride before retirement and him to get to spend the rest of his days living a happy life in the field, but life had other plans.

I think what has made this so difficult is never fully knowing exactly what was wrong with him. We tried and tried to fix him in the short couple of weeks he was poorly but on his final day he was suffering and in pain and I could not bare seeing him like that so a decision had to be made, perhaps not the way I had idealised and I am really struggling with the trauma of that. I just miss him so much and life is so much harder without him in it.

 

[SpotsandBays]

So sorry. It sounds like he had a truly wonderful life with you, and was very lucky to have someone so caring right to the end.

Not sure if you are aware but the blue cross and BHS have bereavement services that might be worth checking out. Talking helps, and you don’t have to contact them over the phone either if you’re not comfortable with that. You can email too,

Pet bereavement and pet loss

If you are grieving for a pet, or facing loss, our free and confidential Pet Loss Support service is here for you by phone, email or webchat.

www.bluecross.org.uk

Friends at the End | The British Horse Society

www.bhs.org.uk

I don’t think the sadness ever goes away, but with time you grow around it and it gets easier. Look after yourself x

 

[HJJ]

My condolences. I don't know if it is the sort of thing you are looking for, but the BHS run a free Friends At The End (FATE) service. You don't have to be a member, and it includes bereavement support after losing a horse. May be worth looking into.

 

[Barton Bounty]

It is truly the hardest thing for anyone to go through. Im so sorry you lost him. I lost my heart in September last year to colic 3 weeks after surgery and hubby bought another to try and occupy my mind, if I didnt gel with him I could sell him on but It turns out there is enough room in my heart for two. Not a day goes by that I dont have a moment of some sorts but I am finding that I am having more happy memories now.
Nothing in the world can ever replace them.
It sounds to me like he lived his best life every day and you would have been an amazing team.
Try not to go over what ifs etc, it can sometimes take over. Sadly, you made the best decision for your best friend, you did all you could. Sending hugs

 

[BBP]

I’m so sad for you. I lost my horse in May, just 2 weeks shy of his 19th birthday. I have dealt with it a bit differently to how I expected. I shut all my feelings away, I don’t allow myself to think about him, I don’t look at his pictures, or to talk about him other than a quick passing comment. And on a day to day basis that means I am absolutely fine. But when I do allow that door to crack open, the grief is crushing and overwhelming, like a landslide. I doubt the decision I made, should I have done more, tried harder, did I give up on him.

I have made silly little mental associations that bring me a little peace, despite not being spiritual at all. When my beautiful boy died, the northern lights were seen all over the world, and I just thought ‘that’s him’ as he was such an electric horse, brimming with energy and light. So when I saw them again last week I sat in my field and let the floodgates open, and talked to him.

The other beautiful soul we lost last year (a much more peaceful soul) there was a stunning rainbow on a beautiful almost cloudless evening when he died and so when rainbows happen I smile and think of him.

One of the things I have found helped is making a focal point to go and be with them. My sister planted an elm tree (her horses favourite) with a small slate plaque for him. It’s not on a route I walk past very often but I walked past it the other week and was stopped in my tracks with a mental picture of his beautiful eyes peering at me through his forelock. It was so out of the blue and unexpected. Our cats also have a flowerbed and slates. So yesterday I cleared a little flowerbed out at my field and have planted it full of bulbs and the deepest red rose I could find (when you looked at BBP in the sun he was black but with a deep red glow). It’s near the gate where you can see everyone come and go, just how he would have liked it. I’m hoping it will be a little place where I can just sit and be mindful instead of shutting him out. I have a little slate for him too.

The human heart is an incredible thing, it can grieve one soul whilst making room for others. I have two beautiful youngsters now (one bought foolishly in a fit of grief) and I have enough love for both of them, even if the relationship is different. I hope you find some peace and get to a space where you can think of the happy times without the overwhelming feeling of the loss.

 

[TinseLeneHorse]

It's just an awful time. I lost my girl two months ago and am struggling too.
But think about it this way - we have to hurt so that they are no longer hurting.
Thinking of you

 

[Sprout]

I really feel for you.
I lost my horse of a lifetime when he was just 7. I miss him every day, and regret all the adventures we were never able to have together, but I do have some wonderful memories to treasure, and they help me through.
I hope you can take comfort from the incredible life you gave your horse, and that you didn’t let him suffer, and treasure all your happy memories. xx

 

[pistolpete]

I’m so sorry you lost your special pony. As you can see there have been many of us through the same feelings all handling it in different ways. What works for one may not help another. I really hope you can start to remember him for all the happy times soon although it will take time. I lost my best boy four years ago and dreamt about him last night! I loved him with all my heart and still miss him. The pain does ease eventually.

 

[#jackofallmasterofnone]

It WILL get better x

"Grief, I've learned, it's really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go..." Jamie Anderson

 

[eahotson]

I think you need grief counselling. It was good for him because it was relatively quick but you didn't have time to prepare.

 

[Peglo]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is just the worst.

I lost my old TB first (old age) She was a gift from my most beloved grandmother who died a lot of years before but it felt a bit like losing a connection. I’d had her 14 years and got her a week before my little brother was born.
A few months later my precious beautiful little cat was run over and I watched her die. I can’t speak about that. I can’t think about it. Those feeling gets shut deep down and are not allowed to surface.
But I cried and cried into my old Peggy Sue’s mane, like many times before. I’d had her 20 years and just a few months after my cat I lost her to old age too.
It was a very tough time. I couldn’t speak or think about my heartache and those feelings get pushed away when they try to come to the surface. But I had another horse, I had 2 cats and when things got bad I’d remind myself how out of hand my chicken flock was but it could be worse, there could always be more birds

There’s nothing much I can say to make you feel better. But I do hope life gets a bit easier for you soon. Your boy was very lucky to have had you.

Even in my saddest times I’d remind myself it was better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

 

[eahotson]

There is a well known saying.Grief is the price we pay for love.

 

[Nancykitt]

I lost my beloved Connie in 2019. The grief was overwhelming, even though I had another gorgeous little pony.
Over time I was able to talk about Finn again and look at photos of us out hacking and drag hunting.
Yesterday I was posting on here about Finn, basically that he was dopey by default but could go up several gears when needed. As I was writing, I became incredibly sad and I don't mind admitting that tears have been shed.
99% of the time I'm OK - and I do love my little AJ. But there'll never be another Finn. I was so, so blessed to have him - and it's that thought that I hold every time I feel like this.
Your horse had a wonderful owner and a wonderful life with you.

 

[94lunagem]

It does get easier I promise, and as someone else has said your grief will differ from everyone else’s because it’s such a personal thing.

I lost my horse of a lifetime in 2021, suddenly. He was 28 and I’d had him from a 6 year old, I was 12. We’d grown up together and he was my world. I’d owned and sold/lost other horses but nothing hit me like losing him.

I love my photographs of him, and made a conscious effort to frame some and hold onto my happy memories. But equally I still have the poem a friend sent me that day copied and pasted into a note in my phone, but I can’t bring myself to read it even now. And a section of his tail still sits in the glove box of my truck, exactly where I put it that day. I don’t know what to do with it. (God knows what the mechanics think when it goes into the garage!)

I have been unfortunate enough to have faced a lot of death (people) in my life, not always at old age. And losing that particular horse floored me every bit as much.

Let yourself cry, take small steps forward. You won’t forget but you will learn to remember with a smile in time.

 

[Skib]

You dont get over it but the things you learned from the particular beloved horse do stay with you and teach you how to ride other horses well.

 

[anon1997]

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to reply, I am so very sorry that you know the same heartache I am currently feeling.

I think grief can be very isolating because often you are the only one who feels that exact way about who you lost. In my case, my Mum had shared my boy with me for past 10 years and I know she knows how I feel.

I have owned other ponies, sold two and lost my other very special 13hh pony to lymphoma at just 13yo, so I have experienced loss but this time feels different because I feel riddled with guilt and regret about the way I lost him. Wondering whether things could be different if I had noticed earlier, or if the things I didn’t get to try may have worked but I simply ran out of time. Whether I made the decision too early, or too late, my brain is just struggling with too many emotions and I am constantly looking back at what happened. I just didn’t and don’t feel like I was supposed to lose him yet. I have photos of him not long before looking so well and constantly thinking how did this happen?

I do find it comforting hearing from others as I know you know how I feel and how much you have loved your horses and ponies and that there is hope it will get easier.

A few of you have mentioned having other horses so focus your minds, which I am fortunate that my mum bought another connie 2 years ago, as we knew our boy was slowing down and needed an easier life - which actually had the opposite effect. Instead we started hacking together and our boys became best friends. That made the loss of our special boy even harder because suddenly we were grieving and so was the new boy and we couldn't imagine teaching our youngster without the best role model we could have wished for. Now a bit of time has passed, I am finding a bit of comfort from my mums horse as he feels like the last remaining piece of my lovely boy I have left. He is very loving and kisses me the same way my pony did and I am lucky to be able to still get some horse therapy from him and ride him occasionally. I can’t bring myself to have another as the loss is far too painful and I know I would find myself looking for the relationship I have just lost, which would be impossible.

I am thinking of those of you above who have been through the same pain, recently or not. It truly is one of the worst things in the world. We put so much love into our horses and then when they are gone a big hole is left and navigating life after is just so hard.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to reply, I am so very sorry that you know the same heartache I am currently feeling.

I think grief can be very isolating because often you are the only one who feels that exact way about who you lost. In my case, my Mum had shared my boy with me for past 10 years and I know she knows how I feel.

I have owned other ponies, sold two and lost my other very special 13hh pony to lymphoma at just 13yo, so I have experienced loss but this time feels different because I feel riddled with guilt and regret about the way I lost him. Wondering whether things could be different if I had noticed earlier, or if the things I didn’t get to try may have worked but I simply ran out of time. Whether I made the decision too early, or too late, my brain is just struggling with too many emotions and I am constantly looking back at what happened. I just didn’t and don’t feel like I was supposed to lose him yet. I have photos of him not long before looking so well and constantly thinking how did this happen?

I do find it comforting hearing from others as I know you know how I feel and how much you have loved your horses and ponies and that there is hope it will get easier.

A few of you have mentioned having other horses so focus your minds, which I am fortunate that my mum bought another connie 2 years ago, as we knew our boy was slowing down and needed an easier life - which actually had the opposite effect. Instead we started hacking together and our boys became best friends. That made the loss of our special boy even harder because suddenly we were grieving and so was the new boy and we couldn't imagine teaching our youngster without the best role model we could have wished for. Now a bit of time has passed, I am finding a bit of comfort from my mums horse as he feels like the last remaining piece of my lovely boy I have left. He is very loving and kisses me the same way my pony did and I am lucky to be able to still get some horse therapy from him and ride him occasionally. I can’t bring myself to have another as the loss is far too painful and I know I would find myself looking for the relationship I have just lost, which would be impossible.

I am thinking of those of you above who have been through the same pain, recently or not. It truly is one of the worst things in the world. We put so much love into our horses and then when they are gone a big hole is left and navigating life after is just so hard.

Dont think of it as looking for the same relationship, it will never be the same but a new fresh relationship, a new bond, a new love, you will be surprised that your heart Will grow while healing and you will have enough room to love two .
My new boy has ALL of the same traits as my last one. I mean really everything and I am happy with that. It brings me comfort that he was sent to me just when I needed him.
Your heart will start to heal, it just takes time

 

[IrishMilo]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it really hurts losing them. One of the ex racers I had put to sleep a couple of years ago still really gets to me, he was beautiful inside and out and I really wish I could have fixed him.

 

[Lucky Snowball]

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a lucky loved pony. You never get over losing a loved one. You learn to deal with it and remember the good times.

 

[honetpot]

Unfortuately over the years I have had this several times, they were not only my best friends but also my childrens, and their equine nannies. My attitude always is that death is ineveitable, and we have just been very fortunate to have to have had them, so you have to think about the good things and passing that feeling on. I do not think of it as getting over, but accepting, put to rest the what if's, don't keep replaying the sadness, look forward.
I do not know if this seems harsh but having a parent die suddenly when I was twenty has perhaps made me appreciate the good things they gave me, and there is nothing gained by being sad, it doesn't mean you forget, you just have to turn it in to a positive, that you were very lucky.

 

[Annagain]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost my first pony very unexpectedly (he had colic but was great for his age until that day) 3 days before my 27th birthday and 6 weeks before his. We'd been together since we were 13. I found him down in his stable at 7.30am and by 8.30 the vet had been and it was all over. He was a huge part of my life and there for all the important things in my life and all the 'firsts'. He was my escape when I was revising for GCSEs and A Levels, my shoulder to cry on when my first boyfriend dumped me, the first visit I made when I passed my driving test. He was my constant when everything else in my life was changing so much, my normality when nothing else made sense.

He was also the first animal I had to make that decision for (although he made it for me really, I just had to help him on his way) and it's still the one that hits the hardest. The shock was the worst part of it and even though your boy was ill for a short period first, it will still have been a terrible shock for you too. You're probably still affected by that, but when that wears off you will reach a point where you're pleased he's not suffering any more and that you were able to do your best for him. It took me a long time to think about Eb and not break down but I got there and you will too.

 

[anon1997]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost my first pony very unexpectedly (he had colic but was great for his age until that day) 3 days before my 27th birthday and 6 weeks before his. We'd been together since we were 13. I found him down in his stable at 7.30am and by 8.30 the vet had been and it was all over. He was a huge part of my life and there for all the important things in my life and all the 'firsts'. He was my escape when I was revising for GCSEs and A Levels, my shoulder to cry on when my first boyfriend dumped me, the first visit I made when I passed my driving test. He was my constant when everything else in my life was changing so much, my normality when nothing else made sense.

He was also the first animal I had to make that decision for (although he made it for me really, I just had to help him on his way) and it's still the one that hits the hardest. The shock was the worst part of it and even though your boy was ill for a short period first, it will still have been a terrible shock for you too. You're probably still affected by that, but when that wears off you will reach a point where you're pleased he's not suffering any more and that you were able to do your best for him. It took me a long time to think about Eb and not break down but I got there and you will too.

I honestly feel like I could’ve written this. So sorry to hear you lost your boy too. Although my boy wasn’t right and we were desperately trying to make him better, I wasn’t sure I was going to lose him until the Sunday morning when I got a call from the yard at 6.30am to say he was in a bad way. I had turned him out the night before and he seemed okay, but like you, by 8.30am the next morning he was gone. I never wanted him to suffer, so I felt the decision was made for me too.

My boy was my escape too and had seen me through so many versions of myself, now some I regret because I took him for granted and didn’t think about how precious our time together was. He had been with through all of the toughest moments in my life sp far and he was a safe space for me whenever life got hard. This year had already been a bit tough for me and I feel like I really need him and now he’s gone.

I do still feel in shock and I think I am waiting for some of the big emotions die down. It’s taking a long time but at the same time I still feel like I only saw him yesterday.

He loved mints so much, so now I say cheers to him in heaven with my mums horse - giving him one and I have my boys on his behalf. I love him so much and I hope he knew that.

 

[anon1997]

Unfortuately over the years I have had this several times, they were not only my best friends but also my childrens, and their equine nannies. My attitude always is that death is ineveitable, and we have just been very fortunate to have to have had them, so you have to think about the good things and passing that feeling on. I do not think of it as getting over, but accepting, put to rest the what if's, don't keep replaying the sadness, look forward.
I do not know if this seems harsh but having a parent die suddenly when I was twenty has perhaps made me appreciate the good things they gave me, and there is nothing gained by being sad, it doesn't mean you forget, you just have to turn it in to a positive, that you were very lucky.

I’m really sorry for your loss. You’re not harsh, my partner too lost his parent at 16 and he has a very similar perspective. He and I are different in the ways we express our emotion and although he is kind and patient with me I know he hates how I beat myself up about this. He is forever telling me to think about the positives and be grateful for our time together. At present I feel a bit scarred by the end, I really hope this fades soon as you are right I am so lucky

 

[suestowford]

I am coming up to the two year anniversary of the loss of my pony. Only this summer have I started to feel better about life again. It can take a LONG time.
I had his company for 19 years, and I still miss him loads.

 

[Highflinger]

So sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved first pony 22.5 years ago after 22 years together - had owned his since I was 10 and he was my absolute world. It does get easier but it takes a long time - prob 2 years for me. Being able to pts to save them suffering is the last act of love you can give them.

 

[honetpot]

I’m really sorry for your loss. You’re not harsh, my partner too lost his parent at 16 and he has a very similar perspective. He and I are different in the ways we express our emotion and although he is kind and patient with me I know he hates how I beat myself up about this. He is forever telling me to think about the positives and be grateful for our time together. At present I feel a bit scarred by the end, I really hope this fades soon as you are right I am so lucky

I try an try life like an old VHS recorder, no point in replaying the same things over again, you get the same ending, either skip it, or replace it with something else. Like I say its not about forgetting, its thinking about the positives, and fading outing the sad stuff, because all it does it makes you sad.
I honesty could bring myself to tears thinking about my dad and he has been dead over forty years, but I would rather think about the good stuff.

 

[Annagain]

I honestly feel like I could’ve written this. So sorry to hear you lost your boy too. Although my boy wasn’t right and we were desperately trying to make him better, I wasn’t sure I was going to lose him until the Sunday morning when I got a call from the yard at 6.30am to say he was in a bad way. I had turned him out the night before and he seemed okay, but like you, by 8.30am the next morning he was gone. I never wanted him to suffer, so I felt the decision was made for me too.

My boy was my escape too and had seen me through so many versions of myself, now some I regret because I took him for granted and didn’t think about how precious our time together was. He had been with through all of the toughest moments in my life sp far and he was a safe space for me whenever life got hard. This year had already been a bit tough for me and I feel like I really need him and now he’s gone.

I do still feel in shock and I think I am waiting for some of the big emotions die down. It’s taking a long time but at the same time I still feel like I only saw him yesterday.

He loved mints so much, so now I say cheers to him in heaven with my mums horse - giving him one and I have my boys on his behalf. I love him so much and I hope he knew that.

I probably should have said it was 20 years ago! I did have my old boy put to sleep last week though. It was planned - he was just really old and not up to going through another winter - and it made it so much easier to cope with. The lack of adrenaline made a huge difference or maybe it's a bit easier to deal with the older you get and the more exposed to death you become. Of course I'm sad but I'm not physically shaken up like I was with Eb, I couldn't eat for a week with him and the trauma meant it took a lot longer to process. With Archie, the run up to it was harder than the aftermath.

 

[khalswitz]

I lost my heart horse back in 2015. It was a horrific accident with a wire fence that ended in a limb degloved from fetlock to mid gaskin, and severed extensor tendons. He got through 5 months of box rest and we were just starting to think he’d made it when the bone got infected underneath. I felt horrifically guilty deciding to pts but the insurance had run out, I was a student and my dad had been made redundant, and he needed more surgery and another 5 months or more of recovery to even try and address the infection and I had no options.

I left the horse world and didn’t come back for 9 years. Even two years after he died, when a friend had me along riding out with her on one of her horses nannying her youngster, I used to go home and cry afterwards because I just missed him so much. I used to have dreams where I’d walk out into my parents’ back garden and he’d be there, eating the grass but skinny as a rake because I’d ‘forgotten’ he was there - and I could smell him as if he was really there. I used to wake up in floods of tears.

It took me a long time, but eventually missing horses started to weigh as much as missing him, and whilst I do occasionally get a bit overcome (writing this for example has left me greeting), mostly I remember the good things now and feel more grateful to have had him in my life than hurt he’s gone. Its a deep scar rather than an open wound.

My new horse is very different to him, and I'm very glad of that - i have room to love a new one, but I couldn't have coped with them being alike. He was an independent, talented but sharp and unpredictable exracer - she’s a laidback but opinionated mainly ID mare. They don’t really compare.

 

[Time for Tea]

Your horse, whom you loved so much, gave you a very great gift, the gift of his marvellous self during all the time you had with him. It will take time, but you will be able to look back at all the wonderful things you shared with him, that he gave you and you gave back, they are all the most generous creatures and lift our spirits in a very special way. I’m sorry you’ve lost him.

 

[Orangehorse]

It is still early days for you, and it was quite sudden, as you say, not how you hoped or planned it would be.

It is just over 12 months since my old boy died, and I was crying this weekend as I sorted out some rugs to sell that had been stored all last winter. I haven't been able to get rid of them all and the saddle and bridle are still in the house.

Having a horse for a long time and keeping them until they go is a long, long relationship and so grieving is only to be expected and quite natural. It is still early days for you. Gradually, very gradually, the raw hurt will get less. Try to think about the happy times, and be glad that you had that time together and that he had a good life with you.