Losing your only horse

[kinnygirl1]

3 weeks ago today I lost Stanley suddenly to a colic. I’m totally devastated and still can’t get through a day without bursting into tears. I miss him so much. The other thing is because he was my only horse, my whole life has changed overnight. I worked full time and kept him on DIY livery so I was at the yard before and after work everyday. I’m really struggling with the lack of that routine. I miss the peace of the farm and my friends there too. Those who have lost an only horse, what were your next steps? Did you take the plunge and buy another? Did you take some time out? Did anyone give up horses all together? How long does it take to feel better about the loss of your best friend?

 

[Equi]

I kept my only riding horse at livery but had 5 others (mini) at home so I still got a little fix but it wasn’t the same. I struggled massively with the loss of routine and the days dragged because I didn’t get that relief of “I’ve gone to the yard and done my jobs now I can relax” and just felt like I was constantly missing something.

It took me 3 months to get another horse (just because I didn’t find anything suitable) but in the meantime I still went to the yard sometimes as I had kept my stable, others were allowed to use it to pop a horse in for mucking out etc and I asked them not to do out my stable so that if I went to the yard I would have something to do… I would poo pick fields or clean my tack or offer to turnout/bring in others horses and became the yard bank staff if anyone went off on holidays etc. it definitely helped stay in the loop.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Im so sorry you lost Stanley to colic. It is a horrible thing!!
If it were me, I would probably take the plunge and try to at least half fill the massive hole he has left. I know previously when I have had to pts thankfully only once in my whole life. I took two months to find one and continued to pay my livery until I found one. I did still go to the yard most days throughout just to help out as I missed it so much.
Nothing will replace him but a new friend could definitely help you heal

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

So sorry you lost your horse its never easy and off course you have a massive gap to fill, I think everyone is different if you feel like you want to look for another do it.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

I lost my boy to Colic when he was just 12. Same as you, it ripped the centre from my world.

I was lucky to have good friends who kept me going, forcing me to come to the yard and keep in touch. My friend has two horses so there's always a spare for me to ride. The first ride on a horse that wasn't my boy was really hard. The first sit on my new horse was equally emotional. The yard owner was amazing, she'd lost her GN winner in the same way.

It's been more than 6 months now and I still cry when thinking about him or when talking about him. I think I always will. I'm not ashamed by that, it shows how much I loved him.

I got another. I got an unbacked 3yo knowing it was too much for me, but also with no intention of doing it myself. I pay a lot for his care and education and it means there is no pressure to ride him. Everything I learnt from my first horse can be poured into giving this one the best opportunity. Its not the same and it never will be.

 

[kinnygirl1]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven’t kept my stable .. tbh it was never suggested to me as an option but I think that’s maybe because Stanley and I hadn’t done much riding in the last couple of years.. I had major back surgery in 2021 and Stanley suffered with arthritis so between us we were just happy to have ploddy hacks or in hand walks round the land at the farm. I loved the routine of just looking after him, bringing him in for a long groom and cuddle or just sitting out in the field with him on a sunny day while he browsed the grass. I miss these things terribly. My yard owner did say they would always find room for me if I got another one though. It was just a small yard with only 5 horses including Stanley but I am in touch with the other liveries and I know they would be happy for me to go and visit theirs. I did pop down to pick up some things though and it felt so strange without Stanley that I couldn’t wait to leave!!

 

[SEL]

I'm so sorry. When this happened to my friend she impulse bought a horse from the same stud. He was a very different personality and I think she ended up in quite a depressed state. We had all been helping out but decided to go down the tough love route and tell her she needed to come to the yard and do his jobs.

Took a couple of weeks but I think the routine really helped her mentally, as did spending time with people. She did finally bond with the new boy too which was a relief.

Whatever you decide make sure you look after yourself xx

 

[Red-1]

I have no clue as to what would be the next step for you, but I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Above the snowline]

I’m so sorry. Don’t do anything on the rebound. Give yourself some time. A gentle riding holiday in the sun might help clear your mind.

 

[Equi]

Would you consider fostering for a charity maybe? You could have a non ridden one who just needs a bit of tlc or the like while you figure out what you want to do.

 

[Poppy+MrDarcy]

I'm very very sorry for the loss, I can't even imagine how hard it could be. I've never experienced a loss of a horse, Loxley was my first horse. I've got no advice but I truly wish you the best in the future xx

 

[paddi22]

the fostering idea is a fantastic one. you could still enjoy caring and nurturing a horse, and there's no pressure to keep it. i foster a lot of horses and it's very rewarding to see them go from being a bag of bones, to a healthy happy normal horse. maybe something like that would suit you? you sound like the perfect person for it.

 

[SO1]

I am sorry you have lost Stanley.

I lost Homey back in July, after reoccurring colics in his final year of life each one progressively worse it turned out after lots of treatment and tests that he had developed delayed gastric emptying and I had him PTS on advise of the vet.

I had him for 15 years and he was my only horse, I live on my own, have no other pets and wfh 3 days a week.

The first few months my friends and family rallied around and I was never alone at the weekends but that was not sustainable most of my friends have kids as does my sister and they are really too busy for me to be with them every weekend. I also had already two holidays booked in the UK one in September and one in October and my sister got married in January. I also did some pet sitting for my sister.

It has very tough since I lost Homey. I aways said I would not have another after him but that was when I thought he would keep going till his late 20s when I would be almost 60 I didn't expect to lose him at 20. I thought what I would do when I no longer had a horse would spend more time with friends and family and do riding holiday in exotic places. In reality my friends and sister all have kids and very little spare time to do anything. Covid has meant the last thing I want to do is get on packed planes and go to airports to travel.

My family were really against me getting another horse, costs, tied down to them, worry when they are poorly, my parents are in 80s and may need more support soon. However after seeing how unhappy and lonely I have been since I lost Homey they have said I absolutely must get another horse. My mum even offered to give me some money to try and speed up the process even though I already enough saved to have a good budget. So I have been looking since January without any success so far.

In the meantime I go to the Riding school twice a week. I have joined a chi gong class on Monday evenings. I was already a member of a card playing group run by a friend so I do that once a week as well. Weekends are very lonely, yesterday I did not speak to anyone. Today I am going on a hack at the RS.

One of my friends had two horses and lost them both one after another within 2 weeks she had another. There was no way I was ready to even think about looking for another at 2 weeks I was very much still mourning Homey and still am nearly 9 months after I lost him.

I think the decision is very personal. One thing that has not happened despite the time on my hands is that I still don't keep up with housework and no excuse now.

 

[kinnygirl1]

Would you consider fostering for a charity maybe? You could have a non ridden one who just needs a bit of tlc or the like while you figure out what you want to do.

Maybe that is something I could look into. I do have to keep the pony at a livery yard though so the charity would have to be happy with that. My current farm/yard would be a good place as 2 of the existing liveries are retired from ridden work so always company available. Something to think about for the future maybe.

 

[kinnygirl1]

I am sorry you have lost Stanley.

I lost Homey back in July, after reoccurring colics in his final year of life each one progressively worse it turned out after lots of treatment and tests that he had developed delayed gastric emptying and I had him PTS on advise of the vet.

I had him for 15 years and he was my only horse, I live on my own, have no other pets and wfh 3 days a week.

The first few months my friends and family rallied around and I was never alone at the weekends but that was not sustainable most of my friends have kids as does my sister and they are really too busy for me to be with them every weekend. I also had already two holidays booked in the UK one in September and one in October and my sister got married in January. I also did some pet sitting for my sister.

It has very tough since I lost Homey. I aways said I would not have another after him but that was when I thought he would keep going till his late 20s when I would be almost 60 I didn't expect to lose him at 20. I thought what I would do when I no longer had a horse would spend more time with friends and family and do riding holiday in exotic places. In reality my friends and sister all have kids and very little spare time to do anything. Covid has meant the last thing I want to do is get on packed planes and go to airports to travel.

My family were really against me getting another horse, costs, tied down to them, worry when they are poorly, my parents are in 80s and may need more support soon. However after seeing how unhappy and lonely I have been since I lost Homey they have said I absolutely must get another horse. My mum even offered to give me some money to try and speed up the process even though I already enough saved to have a good budget. So I have been looking since January without any success so far.

In the meantime I go to the Riding school twice a week. I have joined a chi gong class on Monday evenings. I was already a member of a card playing group run by a friend so I do that once a week as well. Weekends are very lonely, yesterday I did not speak to anyone. Today I am going on a hack at the RS.

One of my friends had two horses and lost them both one after another within 2 weeks she had another. There was no way I was ready to even think about looking for another at 2 weeks I was very much still mourning Homey and still am nearly 9 months after I lost him.

I think the decision is very personal. One thing that has not happened despite the time on my hands is that I still don't keep up with housework and no excuse now.

Thank you. And I’m sorry for your loss too. I also thought Stanley would be my last horse but I had expected him to live well into his twenties, not die at only 17. The weekends are dreadful although my partner is very understanding and is there for me, it’s just knowing how to keep busy when I’m so used to spending a good few hours there pottering. I feel completely redundant atm.

 

[ycbm]

It's very hard and I'm sorry you are going through this with me and a few others at the moment. I think you need to give yourself time and the right horse will find you. When that time is right, if you still don't want to ride, I'm sure the charities would absolutely love to hear from you.
.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven’t kept my stable .. tbh it was never suggested to me as an option but I think that’s maybe because Stanley and I hadn’t done much riding in the last couple of years.. I had major back surgery in 2021 and Stanley suffered with arthritis so between us we were just happy to have ploddy hacks or in hand walks round the land at the farm. I loved the routine of just looking after him, bringing him in for a long groom and cuddle or just sitting out in the field with him on a sunny day while he browsed the grass. I miss these things terribly. My yard owner did say they would always find room for me if I got another one though. It was just a small yard with only 5 horses including Stanley but I am in touch with the other liveries and I know they would be happy for me to go and visit theirs. I did pop down to pick up some things though and it felt so strange without Stanley that I couldn’t wait to leave!!

I'm so sorry for loss.
It's difficult enough when you know that they're ill, and you know that the end might be near, but it's such a shock when it's something that happens suddenly, like colic, which doesn't make it any easier.

I presume there's similarities to having only one dog, and coming home to no dog, noone who you have to go for walks with before, and after work, noone you have to take care of... But since a pet dog usually lives in your home, I think you're forced to get used to them not being there, in a way you don't have to when you can stop going to "your" yard.

You can remove the dog leads, and dog beds from your home, but you still know that's where they used to be. It takes time to get used to that. I haven't heard of anyone who can just flip a switch, and go back to "their" yard, and not need time to get used to the emptiness that their horse have left behind, that their horse's tack doesn't hang where it should hang etc.
I presume that those with multiple horses also have moments when they're reminded about that horse X isn't there anymore.

I hope you find something else you want to do with your time, until you maybe feel ready to let a new horse into your life.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

P.s. I actually find it a bit odd that the yard owner didn't even ask if you wanted to keep your stable. Perhaps the YO didn't ask because it's a sensitive subject, but by not asking, and instead just taking the stable back... Is that common practice for a YO to do when a horse die on their yard?

How did you find out it wasn't your stable anymore? Did someone tell you someone else was moving into Stanley's stable week so or so? Was there another horse already in Stanley's place when you came to collect his things?
Nice of the YO to let you know that if you do buy a new horse they can always make room for him/her somewhere, but still, I can't quite get my mind past this.

 

[Flame_]

3 weeks ago today I lost Stanley suddenly to a colic. I’m totally devastated and still can’t get through a day without bursting into tears. I miss him so much. The other thing is because he was my only horse, my whole life has changed overnight. I worked full time and kept him on DIY livery so I was at the yard before and after work everyday. I’m really struggling with the lack of that routine. I miss the peace of the farm and my friends there too. Those who have lost an only horse, what were your next steps? Did you take the plunge and buy another? Did you take some time out? Did anyone give up horses all together? How long does it take to feel better about the loss of your best friend?

I lost my last horse to colic when he was still in his prime, and my youngish dog to a broken leg within a couple of months, the whole thing was the most traumatic time I've ever had. I'm usually ok with having animals pts but I think its the lack of control and time to detach beforehand when it's a shock that makes it 100 times worse. I did, and think I always would, buy another but it took about four months to find the horse. I moved to a different area soon after but I would have stayed at that yard, it was a great yard with great people, nothing about the yard had any part in losing the horse so it wouldn't have occured to me to leave, much as I missed that horse. I still don't feel any better about what happened to that horse and feel sick when I think about it, so I very rarely think about it, it's in a box in the back of my mind.

 

[kinnygirl1]

I'm so sorry for loss.
It's difficult enough when you know that they're ill, and you know that the end might be near, but it's such a shock when it's something that happens suddenly, like colic, which doesn't make it any easier.

I presume there's similarities to having only one dog, and coming home to no dog, noone who you have to go for walks with before, and after work, noone you have to take care of... But since a pet dog usually lives in your home, I think you're forced to get used to them not being there, in a way you don't have to when you can stop going to "your" yard.

You can remove the dog leads, and dog beds from your home, but you still know that's where they used to be. It takes time to get used to that. I haven't heard of anyone who can just flip a switch, and go back to "their" yard, and not need time to get used to the emptiness that their horse have left behind, that their horse's tack doesn't hang where it should hang etc.
I presume that those with multiple horses also have moments when they're reminded about that horse X isn't there anymore.

I hope you find something else you want to do with your time, until you maybe feel ready to let a new horse into your life.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

P.s. I actually find it a bit odd that the yard owner didn't even ask if you wanted to keep your stable. Perhaps the YO didn't ask because it's a sensitive subject, but by not asking, and instead just taking the stable back... Is that common practice for a YO to do when a horse die on their yard?

How did you find out it wasn't your stable anymore? Did someone tell you someone else was moving into Stanley's stable week so or so? Was there another horse already in Stanley's place when you came to collect his things?
Nice of the YO to let you know that if you do buy a new horse they can always make room for him/her somewhere, but still, I can't quite get my mind past this.

Thank you .. that’s exactly it. The shock is quite overwhelming. He was fine when we put him to bed on the Saturday evening and he was gone by 11 am the next day. So traumatic. I miss him so much it’s like a physical pain!

Re my YO… we do have a really good relationship and she and her son (joint YO) have really helped me though some really difficult times in recent years with Stanley’s health, my own health when I had my back injury, and when my husband left me a few years ago. When times have been hard, I’ve probably said (sobbed) to her that Stanley would be my last horse due to all the struggles and heartache and she was in no doubt how devoted to him as an individual I was. That and the fact that I don’t ride as much as I did anymore is probably why she assumed I wouldn’t get another. It’s probably the impression I have given and perhaps she feels it insensitive to ask. I’m sure if I’d specified I wanted to keep the stable she probably would have accommodated me. I’d like to think so as it really was the perfect yard for us and me and Stanley were so happy there.

 

[Lucky Snowball]

I’m so sorry you lost Stanley.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

Thank you .. that’s exactly it. The shock is quite overwhelming. He was fine when we put him to bed on the Saturday evening and he was gone by 11 am the next day. So traumatic. I miss him so much it’s like a physical pain!

Re my YO… we do have a really good relationship and she and her son (joint YO) have really helped me though some really difficult times in recent years with Stanley’s health, my own health when I had my back injury, and when my husband left me a few years ago. When times have been hard, I’ve probably said (sobbed) to her that Stanley would be my last horse due to all the struggles and heartache and she was in no doubt how devoted to him as an individual I was. That and the fact that I don’t ride as much as I did anymore is probably why she assumed I wouldn’t get another. It’s probably the impression I have given and perhaps she feels it insensitive to ask. I’m sure if I’d specified I wanted to keep the stable she probably would have accommodated me. I’d like to think so as it really was the perfect yard for us and me and Stanley were so happy there.

How lovely to hear what a support she's been through the years, and the way you explain it, it makes much more sense.

 

[SO1]

I am glad you have an understanding partner. I think horses take up so much time that there is an empty feeling when they are taken from us unexpectedly and it is massive shock when you think you have many more years to come. For me for the last 15 years my life revolved around Homey and still 8 months on I am struggling with grief.

It is still very early days for you in the grief process and your emotions may fluctuate.

Homey was the first horse I had to PTS childhood ponies were sold on. He was also the first pet I had had to make a decision about as well. This is my first experience of pet bereavement. The Blue Cross pet bereavement support line have been very helpful to me.

Thank you. And I’m sorry for your loss too. I also thought Stanley would be my last horse but I had expected him to live well into his twenties, not die at only 17. The weekends are dreadful although my partner is very understanding and is there for me, it’s just knowing how to keep busy when I’m so used to spending a good few hours there pottering. I feel completely redundant atm.

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

Thank you .. that’s exactly it. The shock is quite overwhelming. He was fine when we put him to bed on the Saturday evening and he was gone by 11 am the next day. So traumatic. I miss him so much it’s like a physical pain!

Re my YO… we do have a really good relationship and she and her son (joint YO) have really helped me though some really difficult times in recent years with Stanley’s health, my own health when I had my back injury, and when my husband left me a few years ago. When times have been hard, I’ve probably said (sobbed) to her that Stanley would be my last horse due to all the struggles and heartache and she was in no doubt how devoted to him as an individual I was. That and the fact that I don’t ride as much as I did anymore is probably why she assumed I wouldn’t get another. It’s probably the impression I have given and perhaps she feels it insensitive to ask. I’m sure if I’d specified I wanted to keep the stable she probably would have accommodated me. I’d like to think so as it really was the perfect yard for us and me and Stanley were so happy there.

I really know how you feel I lost my first mare to colic and its just horrible they can rapidly go downhill fast.
Have you got friends nearby with horses maybe you could help them out for a bit?

 

[suestowford]

Mine went within 2 hours, I had very little time to think about what was happening as it was painful for my boy, and he was thrashing about a lot. Then he was gone. Traumatic is a good way to describe it, and months later I'm still not over it. I too was expecting many more years with him.
I've got other ponies to look after but it's not the same at all.
The worst is that I don't think I can have another of my own. My income has remained the same while everything has gone up so much that the running costs are now out of my reach. So although I look at adverts & wish, I never contact the seller even if the pony looks perfect. My life is a sad version of what it was before, these days.

 

[TheOldTrout]

Very sorry for your loss.
In terms of what to do next, maybe just have a few lessons at a riding school to get your horsy fix and then see how you feel about getting another horse? Personally, I wouldn't recommend rushing in to get another one when you're still 'off the rebound', but that's just the way my temperament works, obviously yours will be different.

 

[SDMabel]

So sorry to hear of your loss it's so tough when they leave us.

I think I lasted about 5 months when I lost my mare to cancer, I decided i wasnt going to have another.

Likewise i was DIY and my world revolved around her, I tried getting other hobbies took up running and got quite good at it .... but come summer and the long evenings i missed it so much.

I decided to go and see my current mare and fell in love, she's not replaced my old mare but opened my heart up to another and i haven't regretted a single second of it.

Follow your heart if your financial situation allows would be my advice ! life is far too short for what ifs....

 

[kinnygirl1]

I really know how you feel I lost my first mare to colic and its just horrible they can rapidly go downhill fast.
Have you got friends nearby with horses maybe you could help them out for a bit?

I’m so sorry for your loss too. I have had a few friends offer to have me over to fuss theirs and help out. I might take them up on it … I have one friend at a different yard and that might be easier to start with so that I’m not going to “Stanley’s” yard so to speak.

 

[kinnygirl1]

Mine went within 2 hours, I had very little time to think about what was happening as it was painful for my boy, and he was thrashing about a lot. Then he was gone. Traumatic is a good way to describe it, and months later I'm still not over it. I too was expecting many more years with him.
I've got other ponies to look after but it's not the same at all.
The worst is that I don't think I can have another of my own. My income has remained the same while everything has gone up so much that the running costs are now out of my reach. So although I look at adverts & wish, I never contact the seller even if the pony looks perfect. My life is a sad version of what it was before, these days.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been Through this too. I honestly don’t know how I will get over this. I see those final moments over and over in my head all the time.

Yes financially I would have to consider going back into ownership very carefully as like you, my income has stayed the same though the cost of literally everything has gone up. I did have to manage my budget very closely when Stanley was alive particularly this last year or so but he always had what he needed.

 

[kinnygirl1]

So sorry to hear of your loss it's so tough when they leave us.

I think I lasted about 5 months when I lost my mare to cancer, I decided i wasnt going to have another.

Likewise i was DIY and my world revolved around her, I tried getting other hobbies took up running and got quite good at it .... but come summer and the long evenings i missed it so much.

I decided to go and see my current mare and fell in love, she's not replaced my old mare but opened my heart up to another and i haven't regretted a single second of it.

Follow your heart if your financial situation allows would be my advice ! life is far too short for what ifs....

Thank you. Yes particularly cruel to have lost him the day after the clocks changed… these beautiful spring days we’ve had I’ve just kept looking out and imagining what we could have been up to… a lovely plod in the sun.. a good tail shampoo and pamper … he loved a fuss. I miss him hopelessly.

 

[ozpoz]

I m so sorry to hear about Stanley. Losing a much loved horse to colic is devastating. I still shed a tear for Oz when I think about him years later. For me, another horse was the only way forward. Yes the cost of living has gone up but I prioritise on what is needed for happiness. I agree that life is too short not to live it. My advice would be start looking now and take the plunge when you feel you can. Another horse is out there missing some one to care and fuss.