making *THAT* call

[digitalangel]

Vibes please - im just having trouble making that call to the vets.

My 23 year old mare was dxed coffin joint OA and ringbone in both fronts in April. Its pretty severe. She also has OA in her hocks. Since then shes been retired to the field which she hates. She has about 4 hours out but starts frogmarching the fence in the early afternoon. She cant be a companion because shes a known bully in the field. She has good days and bad days. The vet advised to PTS at the end of the summer. I know its her time and i look at her sometimes and she looks pretty fed up to be honest, but some days she seems happier. Its going to be so hard to say goodbye because she looks fantastic, her coat is gleaming and some days she still has a spark in her eyes. Some days she just looks miserable. The vet and i agree that it would be cruel to put her through another winter. But im having trouble picking up the phone and making the call. Im my head ive mentally set it for the end of september.

Just want to know if its this hard for other people too. I love this girl to bits.

 

[Luce85]

That's one of the hardest parts, give her a big cuddle look at some pictures of old times and make the call. You've made the decision which is the hardest part, but well done you for making the right decision OP. My thoughts are with you x

 

[Meowy Catkin]

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation and I'm offering my virtual support.

Sit down, pick up the phone, take a deep breath, phone the vet and arrange the date and then have a good cry.

*hugs*

 

[crazymaisey]

It's such a hard thing and I really feel for you.

It's the last demonstration of love we can give.

She's lucky to have you as an owner, it breaks my heart to see them kept on for too long. Better a day too early than a minute too late.

Good luck and keep your chin up x

 

[Clare85]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mare. It sounds like you are making the right decision for her. Just remember that it is the last kindness you can do for her to keep her safe. That saying that gets mentioned on all threads such as this is so true - better a week too early than a day too late. Take care x

 

[Barbie]

Far better to do it when her coat is gleaming, she's still got the sparkle in her eye and the sun on her back rather than waiting until she deteriorates over winter and looks miserable. It's a horrible thing to do and I'm sure we would all be devastated but it sounds like you've made the right decision and she'll thank you for that.

 

[Arizahn]

My thoughts are with you. It is the right thing to do, but that never makes it easier

 

[Wagtail]

I could not arrange a date personally. On the day my girl was PTS I still had not made my mind up. I knew I would have to do it sooner or later, but she was so happy and perky. After a long fight with laminitis, that we finally seemed to be winning and she was comfortable and happy in the field, she redid an old tendon injury which would have come right again but would need several weeks or months box rest. I just couldn't do it to her when she was on such meagre rations. So I rang the vets and asked that the head vet came out with a view to discussing PTS and possibly doing it. After talking to him we agreed that despite the fact that she appeared so happy and perky that she soon would not be and that her quality of life would soon be very poor. I told him to do the deed. Afterwards he told me I had made the right decision. I have absolutely no regrets and believe that I did it exactly the right time for her, not too soon or too late, but the actual act of doing it was just awful. I am waiting for the day when her last moments are not the clearest memory I have of her. It is getting better.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that sometimes it is not right to arrange a day. It seems so clinical and cold. Sometimes it is better to do it on the spur of the moment. You may wake up one day and just think, 'Now is the day,' and the call will be so much easier to make.

 

[digitalangel]

Thank you, lovely words from all of you. I know in my heart of hearts its the right thing but in some ways i dont want to let her go. I know thats selfish of me. Im thinking two weeks today which is the 24th. I keep picking up the phone and putting it down again!

 

[digitalangel]

Wagtail - yes exactly this - it seems like arranging it seems very cold and clinical. But on the other hand i am worried about leaving it too late. Also this girl has quite the fan club and people who want to say goodbye before she goes. And i want to give them that chance. I know it needs to be done before winter ( i am on clay and the mud can get horrendous ) and shes stiff as a board in the mornings so i think winter would just be horrible for her. And im not sure if my vet can do it on a days notice? Never really thought about that tbh. With others it has been a necessity to do it right then and there so this is more difficult. With Damien ( for those who remember him ) it was hard but i knew i was doing the right thing and having only had him a short time it was easier. This girl is so special to me, not only is she a fantastic horse in her own right but shes also my greys mother.

 

[Identityincrisis]

I had to make this decision a few months ago, it crushed me. He was the horse of my dreams and we'd been together 12 years. I battled with the decision for a few weeks but decided I was going to get him 'right' again then do it when he was looking and feeling better, I knew this would only be a temporary 'right' so knew it was time.

As for 'THAT' phone call, someone else arranged everything for me. I gave them specific instructions but just couldn't make the actual call. Make it as easy on yourself as you can.

I'm thinking of you x

 

[dibbin]

You are doing the kindest thing possible for your girl, it's the last (and biggest) act of love you can show her. At least this way you will always remember her with a gleaming coat and a sparkle, rather than as a miserable version of the horse you love.

Virtual support coming your way xxx

 

[Joyous70]

I feel for you OP, its really difficult to do. Take a deep breath and pick up the phone, when i rang i cried whilst i was talking to the receptionists, she was really sweet and talked me through all the options available etc., and said if i wanted to cancel or call on the spur of the moment etc. I could, if you are going to choose a date, don't pick something too far ahead, as you will talk yourself out of it and back into it again you will go round and round in circles, i eventually rang on the Wednesday and arranged for that Friday, i couldn't have left it any longer, even two days i tortured myself. Could someone else make the call for you if your finding it too difficult?

Your a kind and caring owner be proud of the fact you have given her a good life.

 

[Merrymoles]

Always massively difficult. Don't forget that if you do ring and arrange a date, you can always cancel it, right up to the last moment.

It is very, very kind of you to think about others wanting to say goodbye. A friend did this with her old mare. People came to see her for the last week and she had a lovely week of being stuffed full of treats she was not normally allowed, groomed and pampered, cuddled etc. Then on the day, it was just me and my friend who gave her a big feed and then I held her for the vet. That was also in September (three years ago) as we knew she would not cope with the winter - similar issues to yours.

However, whichever way you decide to do it, do what is right for you and your girl, whether that is making the arrangement and letting her fans know or making a last minute decision and saying your private goodbyes. Hugs.

 

[TrasaM]

We said goodbye to my friend's boy yesterday. For 5 years she'd tried everything to ease his condition - Cushings and manage his recurrent laminitis. Finally she had to accept that he just could not go into another winter and made 'the Decision' He went with the sun on his back having spent the day stuffing his face with lush grass, apples mints and carrots.
Another friends horse was sent to the big meadow in the sky the previous week aged only 7.
In both cases it was the right decision but it's still awful for those making that decision and despite knowing it was the right decision both have been feeling guilty about it.

 

[digitalangel]

Yes thats it exactly. guilt knowing i am ending her life - even though i KNOW its for the right reasons. I can only hope its the right time, like people say better too early than too late i wont want to see her suffer the winter. but today i just cant call. Maybe tomorrow.

 

[exmoorponyprincess1]

Do you have someone who you can instruct to make the call and to support you on the day? I did this for a friend recently and know it made a really traumatic time for her that little bit easier. Thinking of you at this tough time, as others have said already - better to let her go with a gleaming coat and sparkle in her eye than miserable and depressed in the middle of winter. Big hugs x

 

[digitalangel]

Not really - Not anyone that i would put that level of responsibility on to in any case.

 

[starry23]

I'm sorry I haven't read all the replies, just your original post but I didn't want to read and run.

I had my mare PTS last week. For similar reasons. I'm very sorry, you are having to consider this, it isn't easy

Some days she would look happy and content, other days she was so miserable, sore and just not herself and it seemed the bad days were becoming more and more frequent. A sachet of danilon wouldn't cut it on these days and she ended up needing two sometimes. I agonised over the decision for a week and phoned the vet to get their opinion on the situation. My vet was supportive but very impartial. He knew me and my horse since she injured herself last year so he knew our situation and what she was like (she would have happily been a companion at grass 24/7 but she just wasn't comfortable with both ligament damage and suspected arthritis in the coffin joint in the same leg) and told me everything I needed to know and told me to phone back after I'd thought everything through to let him know my decision. He said they only needed a couple of days notice. I think because of the previous experiences we've had with the vet and his practice everyone there knew us and when I phoned to book the appointment it was the vet nurse who'd came out to help treat my my in an emergency that answered the phone, she was so supportive, even with me bursting into tears and sobbing down the phone at her. I almost felt bad telling her my decision at first because I really felt like everyone was hoping she'd pull through but I needn't have worried about anything like that. Everyone at the yard (small private yard) I was on was supportive. Some of them I felt I had to tell myself, some of them I wasn't so close with and so the yard manager told them and asked that I have a bit of privacy on the day.

In my head, before I booked the appointment, I already knew what I was going to decide. I knew it was the right time and I had made my peace with it. However it was always difficult going to the yard and seeing her on one of her good days, happy in the field. Yes, it made me doubt my decision and I did wonder about putting it off but on the bad days she was so down and it really hurt me to see her like that. Logically I knew it would only get worse with the cold weather creeping in and the potential mud bath like we had last year with all the rain. That was what really made me call the vet and arrange for her to be PTS. I have to say that the time between me having booked the appointment and waiting for the appointment (about 6 days apart as I wanted to have our normal vet out) was unbelievably difficult, I wanted to spend all the time I could with her but when I was with her for any great length of time I felt like I needed to leave or I'd burst into uncontrollable tears. It is utterly heartbreaking but in a way it was quite nice that she was comfortable enough on pain relief to enjoy her last few days and before the vet arrived we spent the morning walking around the winter field so she could graze on all the nice long grass and all those little moments before she went were really as nice as they were ever going to be. The vet arrived and as we walked towards where he parked the car she stopped and just put her head in my arms and sighed. I'm not an airy-fairy person but the light had been gone from her eyes for a while and that, to me, was the last sign that she was ready to go and I had made the right decision.

My advice for you would just be to phone the vets up, not even to book the appointment just to talk about it, ask them how much notice they'll need, you may find after talking it over you are ready to book the appointment. I'm sure they deal with owners in similar situations frequently so I wouldn't worry about wasting their time or anything - I felt a bit like that and I also felt I was asking stupid questions but they were fab at explaining it all. If you need to chat just PM me.

 

[wiglet]

So sorry - I'm in exactly the same place with my oldie. The vet advised pts at the end of summer and I know I have to do it... some days she looks better than others but she's still eating and is alert. Unfortunately her legs have given up and she's uncomfortable despite being buted up. It's just so hard - I've had her 17 years and it's like someones wrenching my heart out.

I have no advice to give but I do feel your pain and you're not alone.
xxx

 

[fatpiggy]

I had told the staff at the vets a couple of months before so they were expecting the call in due course. I was at work, and went out in my lunch break, rang the vets, then the crem to arrange collection and then went back to work. I actually felt a bit relieved when it was booked in because then it was done. I knew I only had a couple more days with her but it was the right thing at the right time. Not that it was easy you understand, but it was a bit like being on a conveyor belt and it sort of took some of the pressure off. Someone else was driving if you get what I mean.

 

[Ceriann]

I am so sorry you are in this position - whilst my mare was only showing early signs of OA in one of her back legs, that coupled with an old back injury, meant she was less mobile than she used to be and found last winter (clay fields) hard. She was bright, alert, shiny coat and still had the odd hooley round the field with the others (but would give up a bit sooner) but i often considered how many winters she had left (and leaving her in or separating her form my other two just wasnt an option as she wasnt fond of being stabled or of being on her own) and how id cope and how id know it was the right time. I'd had her since she was 6 and she was still feisty and could grow three foot when on alert - although generally an absolute dream to handle. As fate would have it i lost her last week (almost 22) as a result of a field injury - the things i try and think of now is, i was there with her for it, i was off work so had spent lots of time with her in the days up to it happening (apple treats and brushing), she'd been put in a new paddock the day before (full of grass so a treat - she hadnt even looked up when id left them, head down munching), she was still full of life and hadnt suffered with her OA. There is never a good time for it to happen or for you to make that call but you dont want your last memories of your horse to be of suffering.

 

[AshTay]

So sorry you are facing this.

When I was facing that decision two and a half years ago, I was fortunate in that i knew I was going away for 3 weeks and it made sense (well, as much as it ever could) to let him go a few days before I went away. I knew that I couldn't go away and leave him because even though he was still muddling along ok, it wouldn't have taken much to tip him over into a miserable state and I couldn't bear him having to go whilst I was away having not said goodbye. In the end, my YO asked me what days that week I would prefer and then sorted it with vet and told me a date and time. I'm forever grateful for that.

I am waiting for the day when her last moments are not the clearest memory I have of her. It is getting better.

I know that feeling. I thought I'd never forget the sight of him lying in the field as I walked away but actually that memory seems to have faded away (I can't recall when) and although i remember the chain of events that lead to that final point, my memories of that day are now dominated by him trying to drink my tea whilst waiting for the vet

My friend had her horse put to sleep this morning. She was also giving her one last summer and was probably only a few weeks away from the call but then on Monday she came in with a deep cut on her hock and it's forced her hand. Almost easier in some respects but a shame that the mare spent her last few days buted up with an injury rather than able to enjoy a few more gentle hacks out which she loved.

 

[honetpot]

Mine went yesterday, a perfect day, sun on his back, with his friends in his field and a mouthful of clover. The kennels are really, good you ring them up, they come out the next day if possible (not an emergency), and its all done quickly and I could walk away seeing him as he was. He was 29, we had owned him since he was 12, and bought him from friends. I cry as I write this but only because I miss him as he was, I do not regret his passing, he was a wonderful pony that had a wonderful life.

 

[_GG_]

Yes thats it exactly. guilt knowing i am ending her life - even though i KNOW its for the right reasons. I can only hope its the right time, like people say better too early than too late i wont want to see her suffer the winter. but today i just cant call. Maybe tomorrow.

Please read the link in my sig...I really think it will help you with these natural, but unnecessary feelings. You have your horses welfare, both physical and mental at heart and I can't say more to you than I have written in my article, so I hope that it can give you some comfort in making such a tough decision xxx

 

[frostyfingers]

My only suggestion would be to NOT make an appointment so far in advance, you will think of nothing else for the whole time "this time in 2 weeks, this time in 1 week, this time in 2 days" etc etc, I couldn't cope with that. You've made the decision so pick a date a couple of days, or even one day in advance and make the call then. It's hard, whichever way.

 

[_GG_]

My only suggestion would be to NOT make an appointment so far in advance, you will think of nothing else for the whole time "this time in 2 weeks, this time in 1 week, this time in 2 days" etc etc, I couldn't cope with that. You've made the decision so pick a date a couple of days, or even one day in advance and make the call then. It's hard, whichever way.

I have to agree with this. Horses know when there's something wrong with us and it'll be much better for everyone if it's not a cloud hanging over you for too long a time xxx

 

[digitalangel]

Wow thanks everybody - theres some very sweet comments and replies here and my heart goes out to the lady who recently lost hers and the lady facing the same decision.

Some excellent advice here - i think i will indeed leave it for a few days before and call them up then, making the call now i just cant do. I hope when the time comes i will be strong. I hate being a mess in front of the vets!

In the meantime shes pretty happy - shes already getting preferential treatment, first to come in and tied up to munch on the hay in the haybarn when i muck out, groomed every night, treats and cuddles and i keep her as comfortable as i can. Shes having a few people come to visit to say goodbye which i know she will appreciate.

 

[happyclappy]

I am so sorry you are having to make this call, it is the hardest part of owning any animal. You have my utmost respect for doing it, an my most sincere condolences on your loss. May your happy memories carry you through.

 

[Moobli]

Some wonderful, heartfelt replies in here. It is an awful decision and incredibly difficult phone call to make, but I would agree with others who have said not to book an appointment too far in advance as it will be too painful.