Managing my grief

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wizgirl

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Hi

I lost my best friend last Monday to amstrangulating Lipoma which killed 3.5 metres of his intestines. He had a 20% chance of survival and the vet said she thought that if we brought him through the operation we were Lilly to loose him within a few days. I just couldn't put him through that for such a slim chance and that he would suffer so I let him go. So, we could not save him despite being at the equine hospital in 2 hours and going into surgery.

My grief is just terrible and overwhelming. I'm not coping, I angry and upset and worst of all the 'what ifs' have started.

I have had him cremated him and scattered his ashes at the bottom of our garden where my 2 boys lived. I have borrowed another horse to keep my other boy company u til I can work out what to do.

My question is how did you cope with your grief. I feel overwhelmed and devastated. I feel that I will never get over this death. My beautiful boy has gone and I am dereft. Wondering if I did the right thing, should I have for ugh this, did I let go too easily. I really though I was doing the right thing. The vet said she would only ring if it wasn't in his best interest to continue with his surgery and she said she thought we would loose him post surgery. I'm just so confused niw. I love him and miss him so much xx
 
I am so sorry to read your post. The very same thing happened to me in 2004 and I still ask myself questions and still miss the horse dreadfully.

No words will help you, just time and an awful lot of it.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I think you know you did the right thing, and it is all part of the grieving process to question, to feel angry and bereft.
It can feel devastating for an owner to make that final call. Many people on this forum will have experienced it and will understand how you are feeling right now.

I can only say that with time, it will get better. Your horse was lucky to have had an owner who put him first. Sometimes there is just nothing else we can do. x
 
This was posted on the internet many years ago when someone grieving asked for help. These aren't my words but they've helped me keep afloat at times. Take it one day at a time OP.

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks
 
I'm so sorry that you lost your horse. I lost my homebred gelding to colic a couple of years ago and have some idea of how you are feeling. For what it's worth, I think you did absolutely the right thing by letting him go without trying the surgery.

I've owned horses for may years now and lost them in various ways. I think the guilt is the worst part. Both the fact that ultimately you make the decision to let them go and the fact that you think that if you'd done things differently that maybe they wouldn't have got ill, or maybe if you'd noticed something earlier...it can echo round your head.

I think we all feel that way, but the guilt, the sorrow and the massive hole they leave in our lives when they aren't there any more, are all real. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise. It has only been a week, you are still raw with what has happened. It will get better.
 
They did go in to do the operation, but when they opened him up they found he had lost 3.5 metres of intestines. This was when she rang me to tell me that she thought he only had 20% chance and in all likelihood we would have to make the decision to PTS in a few days if we did the operation.

I just can't come to terms with it. It does echo round my head. We found him at 6am, had the vet here by 6.30 and he was in the equine hospital 30 miles away by 8am. It should have been enough......but no....
 
You know you made the right decision but that doesn't stop you feeling bad. It's ok to feel sad and lost. You have been through a great trauma. Maybe see your GP? I was really surprised how helpful they were when I lost a horse in very distressing circumstances. I went for something totally unrelated and it all came flooding out. Ask for help if you need it and try to be kind to yourself.
 
oh wizgirl i am sorry, i had the same thing happened, 5 years ago to my favourite mare, but she was in such pain and when they went it was not possible to do anything.

i don`t think about the what ifs, if i`d done this or that, i am just grateful for the 18 years we had and that she left me her son.

its one the things that motivates me now, i get out here and ride, and sometimes i don`t ride i just be with the horses and try to enjoy all the time i have with them.

i am sure your horse knows how lucky he was that he had you to care for him and that you did not let him suffer

i saw my mare after she died, it was as if she came to say,` now i am free and just fine. see again one day.`
 
You didn't want to bring him out of the operation only to feel pain and suffer further. You did the kindest thing which was to let him go - that is testamount to your love for him. I have never been so affected by the loss of any other pet like I have a horse. But the memories and happy times you spent together will stay with you always, and one day you WILL look back and be able to smile at those memories, and cherish the time you shared together. All the best x
 
wizgirl said:
Thanks. Tried, we found him at 6am, the vet was here by 6.30am and he was at the equine hospital 30 miles away by 8am x
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I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend when he shattered a leg standing from surgery a few months ago. I can't say the grief has eased but it has changed and I am better able to deal with it. I can barely remember the week after I lost him.
 
I am only just coming to terms with letting my precious oldie go in February. It was my choice and I called it to prevent suffering (he'd started having difficulty getting up), but as he looked the best he'd looked in ages, it was so so hard. I've gone through the what if scenario many times. It was the only decision as he was 25. It didn't make it any easier.

Your grief will subside, OP. It might take a while, but it will. Give yourself time and allow yourself to feel sad, let your emotions out. I cried at everything and anything for weeks (carrots in the supermarket for example.)

Just remember you did right by your horse.
 
tristar said:
oh wizgirl i am sorry, i had the same thing happened, 5 years ago to my favourite mare, but she was in such pain and when they went it was not possible to do anything.

i don`t think about the what ifs, if i`d done this or that, i am just grateful for the 18 years we had and that she left me her son.

its one the things that motivates me now, i get out here and ride, and sometimes i don`t ride i just be with the horses and try to enjoy all the time i have with them.

i am sure your horse knows how lucky he was that he had you to care for him and that you did not let him suffer

i saw my mare after she died, it was as if she came to say,` now i am free and just fine. see again one day.`
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At first, I was at peace, sure that I had put myself second and him first, now I am questioning may self so much. I just want to touch him, hold him and tell him how much I love him one more time xxxx
 
Corbie said:
You didn't want to bring him out of the operation only to feel pain and suffer further. You did the kindest thing which was to let him go - that is testamount to your love for him. I have never been so affected by the loss of any other pet like I have a horse. But the memories and happy times you spent together will stay with you always, and one day you WILL look back and be able to smile at those memories, and cherish the time you shared together. All the best x
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I came to the forum as I find myself posting pic after pic and saying after saying and I also bet my friends think I have gone mad...it's only a horse..but he was my baby. So sorry for your loss too xxx
 
mytwofriends said:
I am only just coming to terms with letting my precious oldie go in February. It was my choice and I called it to prevent suffering (he'd started having difficulty getting up), but as he looked the best he'd looked in ages, it was so so hard. I've gone through the what if scenario many times. It was the only decision as he was 25. It didn't make it any easier.

Your grief will subside, OP. It might take a while, but it will. Give yourself time and allow yourself to feel sad, let your emotions out. I cried at everything and anything for weeks (carrots in the supermarket for example.)

Just remember you did right by your horse.
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I'm so so sorry for your loss. I have had some of his ash put into a locket which I wear constantly. I'm forever rubbing it, telling him I love him. I can't listen to Ed Sheeran as I was playing it to him 2 weeks before and singing my favourite songs to him. He just stood there and listened xxxx I ache for him physically. I have a physical pain in my heartbxx
 
Corbie said:
You didn't want to bring him out of the operation only to feel pain and suffer further. You did the kindest thing which was to let him go - that is testamount to your love for him. I have never been so affected by the loss of any other pet like I have a horse. But the memories and happy times you spent together will stay with you always, and one day you WILL look back and be able to smile at those memories, and cherish the time you shared together. All the best x
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I cross all my fingers and toes xxxx
 
Could you write him a letter? To tell him everything you thought of him? That can be incredibly helpful towards feeling less burdened; it worked for me when I put my pony to sleep and felt wracked with guilt.

You're grieving and the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing are all part of it. Time - lots of it - will help but in the meantime be kind to yourself, let yourself rage when you need to and take each day as it comes. Would it help you to talk to your GP?

I'm thinking of you - take care xx
 
Hi op so very sorry, I've lost two over the years and it's hard as h**l. The world keeps on going and you don't know why because yours is shattered. In time it gets better, believe me it does, but it's gonna suck for a bit. The what it's are awful but know you did the right thing and clearly loved your furry friend dearly. Think of all the good times and how lucky he was to have you who loved him, so many horses are much less fortunate. Big hugs.
 
So sorry OP, I know how much it hurts to lose your best friend so suddenly.

I lost mine to an accident almost a year ago (it will be a year on the 30th of this month) and it completely ripped my world apart. I was a complete wreck, I think I cried pretty much every day for months, and the first week I cried the entire time I wasn't actively distracting myself. I still cry about her now on a regular basis (I'm crying writing this!) but I am also able to remember all the good times we had and smile because I was so lucky she was mine. So believe me when I say it gets better. It's never easy to lose a horse, but really all you can do is give yourself time. Don't feel bad for crying or being sad, it means that you cared. Remember that grief always comes in waves, and you might find that once it's less constantly present, there will just be times where it hits you like a brick wall, that's ok and that's normal. Let yourself feel it. Something that helped me was to write it out, not to post anywhere but just for myself. I wrote a letter to Rosie with everything I wished I could say, how I was sorry, how I wished I could have said goodbye, how much I missed her... It will almost certainly make you cry to do it, but I found it helpful to make some sense of how I was feeling.

For what its worth, it sounds like you made the right decision. If the chance of him making it was that small, it's likely all that would have happened is that he would have suffered for longer. I always think that it's better to let them go too soon than too late, however hard it is.

Lastly, a quote that I try and remember is "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" of course you'll cry too, but some day you'll be able to smile about all the good times you had together, and everything he taught you.

Big hugs xxxx
 
I have similar feelings about my horse who died from EGS. It was so sudden and so unexpected. It's 3 years ago in November. I've got other lovely horses. It never does go away and mostly I don't think about it because if I do, I cry.

I feel very sorry for you losing your horse like this. I found great comfort from friends on HHO because most people will not understand the absolute grief you are dealing with. Other than that there's not a lot more to say other than it does get better and less raw. Having another horse did help me but it's not a replacement for her it's just a plaster over the crack in my heart.
 
That's a great idea, I will actually. He meant everything to Mei loved him so so much and he did such lovely things for me. Every time I rode him he kept me safe. I had a lot of spinal surgery and I'm sure he knew. He carried me like a special jewel. He would place his head right by me and communicate his love xxxx
 
fuzzymooch said:
Hi op so very sorry, I've lost two over the years and it's hard as h**l. The world keeps on going and you don't know why because yours is shattered. In time it gets better, believe me it does, but it's gonna suck for a bit. The what it's are awful but know you did the right thing and clearly loved your furry friend dearly. Think of all the good times and how lucky he was to have you who loved him, so many horses are much less fortunate. Big hugs.
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That is just so true, I want to say to everyone, how can you go on, my world has shattered xxxx
 
iknowmyvalue said:
So sorry OP, I know how much it hurts to lose your best friend so suddenly.

I lost mine to an accident almost a year ago (it will be a year on the 30th of this month) and it completely ripped my world apart. I was a complete wreck, I think I cried pretty much every day for months, and the first week I cried the entire time I wasn't actively distracting myself. I still cry about her now on a regular basis (I'm crying writing this!) but I am also able to remember all the good times we had and smile because I was so lucky she was mine. So believe me when I say it gets better. It's never easy to lose a horse, but really all you can do is give yourself time. Don't feel bad for crying or being sad, it means that you cared. Remember that grief always comes in waves, and you might find that once it's less constantly present, there will just be times where it hits you like a brick wall, that's ok and that's normal. Let yourself feel it. Something that helped me was to write it out, not to post anywhere but just for myself. I wrote a letter to Rosie with everything I wished I could say, how I was sorry, how I wished I could have said goodbye, how much I missed her... It will almost certainly make you cry to do it, but I found it helpful to make some sense of how I was feeling.

For what its worth, it sounds like you made the right decision. If the chance of him making it was that small, it's likely all that would have happened is that he would have suffered for longer. I always think that it's better to let them go too soon than too late, however hard it is.

Lastly, a quote that I try and remember is "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" of course you'll cry too, but some day you'll be able to smile about all the good times you had together, and everything he taught you.

Big hugs xxxx
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I'm so sorry you lost Rosie, my face looks like a puff ball. I just keep saying to y partner that I want my baby back...I will write to Mr Wiz and thank him for everything he did for me.

The thought of bringing him round for him to suffer more was just so painful, I just couldn't do it to him, knowing he was probably going to die anyway xxxxx
 
FfionWinnie said:
I have similar feelings about my horse who died from EGS. It was so sudden and so unexpected. It's 3 years ago in November. I've got other lovely horses. It never does go away and mostly I don't think about it because if I do, I cry.

I feel very sorry for you losing your horse like this. I found great comfort from friends on HHO because most people will not understand the absolute grief you are dealing with. Other than that there's not a lot more to say other than it does get better and less raw. Having another horse did help me but it's not a replacement for her it's just a plaster over the crack in my heart.
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I think the shock was a huge thing, he was fine the day before and when we found him at the bottom of our garden on the Monday morning rolling, I was straight out getting him up and walking him until the vet arrived 30 mins later. That half hour was golden. He walked with me, his nose on my arm, me telling him how much I loved him and we would help him. It never occurred to me I would loose him. Even at the equine hospital it all looked good initially. They said his hydration levels and bloods were good as we had found him so fast. I was so hopeful, then it all changed so suddenly. He was in surgery and the vet said she would only call if it wasn't in his best interests to continue. When that call came, I just couldn't talk it in...now I can't turn back the clock and my heart is breaking.

I do have another horse who was fretting. He had been with Wizzy for 10 years. For this reason, I have had to borrow another horse for company for him. It's so hard still,seeing 2 horses xxxxx
 
Wizgirl the letter writing sounds like a great idea, very cathartic. I wrote D a poem when i lost him, that was 2003, i still miss him, i wish my kids could play with him. I don't remember two years of my life, that's the gap between loosing him and starting to go out with my now husband. Not long after which i got my youngster E. He was only with us a short time, we lost him at 4. I didn't think I'd cope not having lost my dream pony and now the baby. Then one day a very special little black horse entered my world and has seen me through a lot of ups and downs from loosing my mum to having my girls. I can only say that as robin of Sherwood said nothings forgotten, nothings ever forgotten, it's very true, you don't forget, but eventually you think more about the good times than the trauma at the end. Hug your other furry and remember your in this together, he or she lost a friend too.
Talk to them, cry in that furry neck and know one day it will get better even if it doesn't seem like it. You'll always miss him but you'll find yourself telling people of the time you did this or that and smile.
 
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