New horse & ive turned into a nervous 40 year old!

[Secondtimearound]

Hi, Ive just bought my second horse & im 40. Ive been riding for years and owned a horse for a number of years when I was 13. I seem to have turned into a nervous wreck & it seems that now ive got a horse which I wanted for so long, im finding it very hard. I got him last Monday so ive nearly had him a week, which is nothing I know. Hes an 8 year old irish sports horse who has done a few things in his past. I got him from a dealer so don't know much about his history, but I have got 2 weeks to try him and take him back if not suitable which is a comfort. So far, he has been an absolute angel in the stable. He loves attention and people and settled straight away in the stable. He wasn't turned out at his previous home but was ridden 5 days a week. On the second day I had a lesson with my instructor in the indoor school. She lunged him first and then I got on for a walk and trot on the lunge line and then finally on my own. He didn't do anything bad, he was just very tense and looking around. Because I tend to get very tense myself, I found it hard to relax and think happy thoughts! 2 days later I rode him again in the indoor and I got on with the mounting block, but as soon as I was in the saddle he went off at a high speed trot around the arena and it took me a while to get him to walk. I didn't even have chance to get my reins sorted so it was all a bit awkward. We then lunged him and he proceeded to canter round, letting off steam, getting a few bucks in. I then very nervously got on him and walked and trotted around but neither or us were very relaxed and I found it hard to try and use my seat to slow him down and not my reins! Saturday we tried the outdoor school and he seemed much more relaxed. I haven't yet managed to get on him without my instructor being there and because I have seen him hooning round on the lunge bucking, I now have this image in my head which has made me even more tense. He has been out in the field a couple of times since then which I was assured would sort him out. Because we have a two week trial as such, my instructor wants me to be able to get on him on my own and try and do as many things as possible to see how he reacts, which I can see is the best thing to do to save trouble in the future but I am so nervous. He is kept at a busy livery yard with lots of staff around and other liveries who are all lovely, but I don't have someone to hold my hand through the scary bits at the moment. My partner is not a horsey person and doesn't come to the yard. A couple of times this week I have cried when I have got home because I don't know if I can do it and its so scary not knowing how he will react in different situations. I know my instructor will want me to go out on a hack on him on my own but the thought makes me feel sick, even though I did try him out on a hack before I bought him with the owner of the dealers on her horse. I would feel a lot more comfortable on the roads than on a grassy track. Am I beating myself up too much and putting too much pressure on myself to do too much too soon? Is it normal to feel this nervous around a new horse? I am having so many confidence issues with myself, im wondering if I have done the right thing. If I ride my horse in the school for a while until I get more confident, ie for the next 2-3 weeks, will he get completely bored of not going out for a hack? Im just conscious of everything! We have cut his food right down after the first day. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

 

[vickyb]

Your horse may well be tense as he is in a new home, and some horses take longer to settle than others, but that doesn't really help you at the moment. Have you done much riding in the years since you had your last horse/pony? There cannot be much worse than being so nervous of your horse you don't want to ride it. Horses are an expensive hobby, and not to get any pleasure while forking out all that money would be terrible. Personally, I would seriously think about sending him back while you can. Yes, he and you may get better, but then if he continues to scare you, you are a bit stuck.

 

[be positive]

I am usually one to say take your time it will get better but in this case I am going to say send him back, several reasons, you know nothing about his history, I prefer to buy from a private home so you know the ins and outs of the horse, it is not easy to find a good sensible confidence giver but they are out there for sale for genuine reasons if you look hard enough.
He has already knocked any confidence you have, you tried him when he was at the dealers but have not yet hacked alone either there or since getting him, unless you can get him out or someone else can how will you know he will hack quietly when you do decide you are confident enough, this may seriously limit what you can do for some time. You should feel excited about riding your new horse, not sick with fear even at the early stages it should be something you are looking forward to.
Was he vetted, if not and you are keeping him I would get this done before paying.

I would get out while you can and look for something that makes you smile at the thought of riding it.

 

[oldie48]

He's almost certainly picking up on your nervousness and as he's in a new home he'll be feeling unsettled and looking to you for his confidence which at the moment, you can't give. It is a huge step having your own horse and I'm sure you are not alone in feeling a bit overwhelmed. If you RI knows your level of riding, could you pay her to do some of the "road testing"? I think someone should do something other than just ride in an arena, you'll want to know he's good in traffic etc, that he won't charge off in open countryside, will pop a little fence sensibly etc. If you don't feel confident to do it, then I do think you need to find someone else to. If your RI or more experienced friend has a problem with the horse, then it's likely you will too and then you can return the horse to the dealer. Good luck, I hope you start to feel happier soon.

 

[TheMule]

Send him back. He sounds too much of a horse for you, ISH are bred to be sports horses, not quiet hacks. It sounds like you need something really confidence giving for now

 

[Secondtimearound]

Send him back. He sounds too much of a horse for you, ISH are bred to be sports horses, not quiet hacks. It sounds like you need something really confidence giving for now

To be fair to him thinking about it now, he was delivered on Monday, and Monday morning he was given his normal food at the dealers in the morning which was a large scoop of 24 hr soaked sugar beet and some conditioning cubes and in the evening at the yard, they fed him double quantity of sugarbeet that was soaking for the next day, by accident. So he had a huge portion of sugar and probably by Thursday as he had only really been for a quick trot around on the lunge on Tuesday, he was ready to pop. After he had been out Thursday afternoon and Friday, he was a lot better on Saturday and he was more like the horse I tried in the outdoor school. Definitely not as lively as he was in the indoor school. Im thinking maybe he is not used to the indoor school. I am actually going to ride him on my own tomorrow in the indoor school and see how we get on. Then I have another lesson on Tuesday. I think I might get someone to hack him out for me as suggested to see what he is like. I haven't got a clue where I would be going anyway on my first time so I would be worried about getting lost.

 

[Secondtimearound]

Thanks oldie48, that seems sensible.

 

[Tobiano]

OP I have been there - send him back. Yes, he might get calmer but you won't feel calmer until he does, and if you are nervous he will pick up on it. I have made the mistake at least twice and it has cost me a fortune and a lot of anguish and worry. It is of course your decision but that is my firm advice. Good luck x

 

[WandaMare]

Just a quick comment..I wouldn't let him bucking around on the lunge scare you...all the horses I have owned have done ridiculous things on the lunge that they would never do with me on their back...my current mare is a complete looney on the lunge and yet is a lazy, laid back type of mare when she's ridden.

As you are nervous and you sound as though you would really like to keep him I would do lots of lunging and maybe some longreining and groundwork while he is settling in to help get used to each other and just ride with your instructor when you feel confident. As long as you take things slowly and think positively your confidence should increase in no time. I wouldn't hack on your own until you are really ready, I would get someone else to take him in the meantime. I paid a pro rider to take my mare out for a while because I lost my confidence after a fall and didn't want to transmit negative vibes to her! It did us a world of good because when I felt ready to hack again, my horse was quite relaxed about going out.

good luck I'm sure you can make this work

 

[putasocinit]

Dont want to be nasty but i feel the horse is being a horse and acting as horses do, you are not confident, he can feel it and is also stressing new home, so send back, and possibly get a few more lessons or a share for a while whilst yoy build your confidence in horse ownership, do it for the horses sake, we can only learn by our mistakes so dont feel bad, happy days.

Or let him be a horse for the winter, turned out and chilling then try again in summer by then he would be relaxed, maybe you have expected too much too soon, he is a dude on the ground

 

[Spot_the_Risk]

I wouldn't be sending him back yet, he hasn't done anything wrong. Is he getting much turn out, if not, get him out and ride afterwards, not every horse will come straight of the stable and be calm. Work him on the lunge by all means, personally I would work him until he's a bit puffed then while he's still wondering what's going on I'd be on board and off down the road. I know you don't have much history - maybe he's never been in an indoors school? Maybe he's rarely been schooled at all! He has no idea who you are other than someone who's really nervous around him, spend as much time with him as possible, faffing around in the stable, grazing in hand, whatever works. You liked him enough when you tried him to bring him home and I can't see that his personality has changed radically in that time. And FWIW you can overcome this - many years ago my youngster terrified me, I had a few cracking falls and because of work he had to go on loan for a year - when I got him back I was scared to death. I did little and often, and I mean one circuit of the (titchy) school in walk and then I'd get off, nearly buckling with relief. We built on that - our first hack I had a friend walking in front, and there were no problems. Good luck!

 

[Secondtimearound]

OP I have been there - send him back. Yes, he might get calmer but you won't feel calmer until he does, and if you are nervous he will pick up on it. I have made the mistake at least twice and it has cost me a fortune and a lot of anguish and worry. It is of course your decision but that is my firm advice. Good luck x

What happened in your situation tobiano?

 

[Tiffany]

A week is no time at all and he will be a little unsettled being in a new home and having a slightly different routine. You haven't owned a horse for ages so you are bound to be nervous with any horse. is there no one at the yard who you trust and could ask for help? How would you feel about hacking out with a couple of others who had calm horses so you could sandwich yourself in the middle on a gentle walk out.

It's good of dealer to give you a two week trial although two weeks is not long for you or him to get to know each other.

Feeling sick due to lack of confidence is awful - I've been there although, fortunately I've got it back with help from others and not pushing myself to do anything until I felt ready.

What does your instructor think?

 

[Secondtimearound]

Wandamare and spot_the_risk, I was hoping for some positive answers as I think that's the sort of support I need. When I was 13 my sister and I had a 3 year old who had just been backed. We took her out and did all sorts of stuff on her and I used to take her out on my own every time I rode her. In the early days she used to rear at shows when she didn't want to stand still, whip round out on hacks and occasionally take off. All that and I just got back on the next day without a second thought. As spot_the_risk has said too, I think the point where I lost my confidence was when I fell off last year after getting back into jumping after 5 years off having a child. I only took less than a year off riding when she was a baby and I was riding up until I was 6 months pregnant. I do ride at a fairly good standard, but I can definitely say that since the fall I am more afraid of situations that might make me fall off and now I hold a lot of tension in my arms unfortunately which yes, will transmit to the horse if I don't try and relax. I have to say the first couple of days I was nervous around the horse on the ground, but not overly, just wary of a new horse. Now, a week later I am fine around him in the stable just wary when ive ridden him because so far he has been very forward going in the indoor and quite chilled in the outdoor when we tried it yesterday. I am determined tomorrow that they are bringing him In from the field early for me to ride at lunch time and im going to get his tack and jump straight on him and get on with it. In a normal routine he will be out 4 days a week and im hoping to ride 3 days out of 4. I do feel much better about the fact that I could actually pay someone to hack him out once a week as suggested so that he is used to things when im ready. and I will definitely get someone to hack him out around the farm tracks around the livery yard this week to see how he is and check he doesn't do anything silly before the 2 weeks are up.

 

[Secondtimearound]

A week is no time at all and he will be a little unsettled being in a new home and having a slightly different routine. You haven't owned a horse for ages so you are bound to be nervous with any horse. is there no one at the yard who you trust and could ask for help? How would you feel about hacking out with a couple of others who had calm horses so you could sandwich yourself in the middle on a gentle walk out.

It's good of dealer to give you a two week trial although two weeks is not long for you or him to get to know each other.

Feeling sick due to lack of confidence is awful - I've been there although, fortunately I've got it back with help from others and not pushing myself to do anything until I felt ready.

What does your instructor think?

My instructor is conscious of the fact that she has been there each time ive got on him, and that's only been 3 times for less than half an hour due to the lunging on the first couple of goes. She doesn't want me to get stuck with a horse I am nervous to get on without her. Which I don't either but it has only been 3 times in one week and she is wanting me to test him out in the indoor school/outdoor school/ up the track to see how he reacts in case he does something that really is too much for me. In a normal situation I can imagine a lot of normal people take things slow, but because we have this 2 week leaway things are a bit pressured to get him out there and see what happens. which I do understand but it puts me underpressure to take things faster than I would like. I have actually bought the horse, so if I did take him back because he was unsuitable for me, they would only swap him for another anyway so I wouldn't be getting my money back. They were a lovely yard so I do trust them and I do believe they genuinely look out for the customer otherwise that's their reputation ruined.

 

[Spot_the_Risk]

Good luck to you OP, I do honestly know just how frightening it can be, a couple of years ago we backed our homebred ourselves and although she never did anything wrong I was terrified of her! Now I'm riding out my four year old gelding - yesterday I took him out on his own, the first time for four months. I was conscious to keep a good but elastic contact, I talked and praised loads ie sounded like a fool! and kept him busy... I know he took his confidence from me which was heartening. I would say get your BP on (I use a Joyriderz jacket) and a neck strap and do whatever you're confident with! Looking forward to hearing good things from you later this week!

 

[Joandripple]

Dear OP, I feel for you. I, too, am a mature rider/owner. I got my boy on loan to begin with, he is a 16'2 German Warmblood. I too thought I had over horsed myself, but we just took everything at a slower pace. I have always had him on DIY or part livery so I do have a lot to do with his welfare, eg feed and turn out. It is very early days for u and your new horse and they are always tense etc. at a new venue he need time to settle into a routine which is good for both of you. Does he get turn out, if so why not ride him once he has had a chance to chill out in the field for a while. I would definitely carry on lungeing first if it makes u feel less apprehensive. I still get the colly wobbles when I have to school my boy (posted about it last week!), coz he is a spooky s**t, but I know him so well now because I have had him for FOUR years now.
Don't give up until you've given each other a chance. Good luck.

 

[Secondtimearound]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the positive comments and the support. I do feel a lot better now. Hes actually going to be out in the field in the morning so im going to go up there at lunch time, tack him up, jump on before I do anything else, and spend some one to one time with him in the indoor school, and whatever we do in there im sure It will help us bond. Ill keep you posted!

 

[louiselowe]

I was the same as you had an accident and getting back on the mare months later i broke my wrist and bruised my coxyxx was a nightmare she was so tense because i was a friend of mine said when i feal fear sing a nusery rhyme it worked it calmed me down which made her calm down i then made a list on my mp3 player of relaxing soothing music that i would stick in one ear with headphones while i was riding out to blot out my fear of tractors and lorrys going past. Options send him back, as for another few weeks . Or as someone else said back to basics groundwork lunging long rein and ride with instructor. Good luck i hope you can conquer your confidence issues xx

 

[luckyoldme]

Im another 40 year old (when i bought my horse) returning to horses after not being around them since i was a teen.
I experienced much the same as you, when i tried to take the horse back the dealer went back on his word so i was stuck with him.
you are in a tricky situation because as well as your nerves you have enourmous pressure to make a descision in just two weeks. Like others say the horse is looking to you for confidence in his new surroundings.
Would it be an idea to see how he goes for your experienced instructor?
Incidently ive still got my nightmare ish.....but he is a different horse, I think because he was turned out to chill and we could take our time to sort ourselves out, at a steady pace. I have to say that im not a brilliant rider and had to build my confidence up slowly but he has turned out to be a brillliant happy hacker and we have a lovely bond... without being negative i don t think this is something that can be done in just two weeks!

 

[PaddyMonty]

OP I understand exactly where you're coming from but from the other side and feel complelled to tell you a little story.
3 weeks ago i replied to an add for someone to ride a 16.2hh chestnut mare. In the add the owner admitted the horse was quirky and she had completely lost her confidence. Like you she was returning to riding in her 40s having been a very confident teenager. She's had other people at the yard ride the horse but nothing had helped her with the mare.
So off I toddle to meet this fire breathing dragon (horse not owner). Someone at the yard rode the horse first but after about 3 minutes I just asked if I could get on. I got on well with the mare (after removing all the gadgets she was wearing. Owner liked the way I rode her (horse is very precious to her despite the problems) and we agreed I would start riding her 4-6 times a week.
I also had a serious chat with the owner about her long term plans for the mare as I've spent too many years sorting out (supposedly) problem horses only to lose the ride once horse is going well. Owner stated the horse would NOT be going anywhere and that in her heart she would love to think that one day in the distant future she might be able to ride the horse again but she wasn't getting her hopes up. She'd already bought a much old, less comp orientated horse to try to rebuild her confidence.
Anyway for two weeks I schooled this horse working on getting her to carry herself, ride from a light contact and go forward freely off my leg in a relaxed manner. Horse is actually really nice, just needed riding in a consistent sympathetic way. Last monday owner came off her steady eady when it spooked in the school and spun. All credit to her she did get back on it a little bit shakey. I then rode the horse in question eho was going beautifully so I told the owner to get her hat as she was getting on her. Look of pure horror on her face but to her credit she put her trust in me and hopped on.
I immediately told her to drop all contact and ride like her reins were just pieces of cotton. 10 minutes and some walk and trot later owner had the biggest grin you can imagine on her face. Sure she had a few surprises as horse transitions immediately and does it from behind now instead of pulling from the front so feels a lot more powerful. Cloud 9 doesn't come close to where she was that night.
Plan now is when ever I feel the horse is right (mood, relaxation etc) the owner will get on for 10 minutes at the end of the session. She understands she still has a long long way to go with this horse but she sees a light at the end of the tunnel and her confidence has soared as a result.

Now my point is, why is your instructor not managing the situation. In their shoes I would have worked the horse for first part of the session until relaxed before you got on. When a rider is nervous everything is an issue, when a rider is confident no mountain would seem impossible. Your instructor should be working on your confidence, not pushing you to do things that are likely to end in a problem. Not because this is a bad horse, just because you aren't in the right place confidence wise.
Use experienced people at the yard to test the horse, settle it. Whatever needs to happen. Seeing it behave will give you confidence.
Consider a sharer like me who can work the horse and hold your hand and guide you through encouragement without pressure.
There are far better ways to go forward than the suck it up and get on with it method.
Taking the horse back might be the right thing to do but will the next horse be any different? Who knows. Will your confidence still be an issue? Yes. This is what needs to be sorted in an understanding way with appropriate support.
Just to add, I'm not applying for the position. Already have 3 neds to play with.
Good luck, plan your way forward, get the right people around you and keep us updated.

 

[Secondtimearound]

Fantastic advice thank you all. Well...I think I turned a corner today and I feel happy with myself. As soon as I woke up this morning the inside of my stomach started to churn. I realised that it wasn't because I thought the horse would do anything bad, it was something to do with me. I went up to the stables as planned at lunch time and he had just been brought in. So I wasted no time in tacking him up and jumped on before I got in the indoor school to avoid any scares in there if he was unsettled. There was one other person working in there so we wernt completely alone. He was an absolute diamond in the end! He trotted round a lot more relaxed than he had done before. He has very high head carriage naturally so that's something I need to work on in getting him to soften and go on the bit. Last time I rode him in there he was trotting on too much and I didn't feel completely in control. This time he trotted round nicely and only had a couple of moments where he sped up. I even cantered him a couple of times on both reins! All the way through this I was talking to him and myself to try and keep myself breathing, and gave him a few pats to reassure him. It couldn't of gone any better. When I got off I felt pleased as punch with myself! and so much more bonded with him. I have felt the last couple of days since Saturday when I rode him that he is starting to get used to me and trust me a bit. If he hasn't got his head stuck in a hay net, he has the sweetest temperament. Hes got a really kind face, that's what drew me to him in the first place.

I now feel slightly anxious about tomorrow as I have a lesson at 11 and she wants to walk with my up the track.
I did suggest to my instructor that someone else could take him round the farm track which is quite out in the open, but her answer was she would walk with me. I cant imagine she would walk all the way with me either as its supposed to be 40 minutes at a walk on a horse. I have never been round there as im new to that area but have been told by other riders. I think her thinking is that I must do it on my own if im to really want this horse, which is a bit unfair really or maybe it isn't, but if I can do today like I did, maybe I can just get on with it. Doesn't help the weather forecast is s**t tomorrow! At least today I feel I can take him in the indoor school on my own which is a relief.

 

[Joandripple]

Well done secondtimeround. Please do not feel scared about your little hack out tomorrow, I am sure it will be fine, just dismount and lead him if you feel like its all too much. My first ride on my boy was a round trip of about 20 mins along farmers tracks and I told someone at the yard where I was going - OMG I was sh***ng myself! but all was well (now I prefer hacking to schooling) and I am sure you will be ok. Don't forget your confidence will grow and grow the more u get on him.

 

[Secondtimearound]

Well done secondtimeround. Please do not feel scared about your little hack out tomorrow, I am sure it will be fine, just dismount and lead him if you feel like its all too much. My first ride on my boy was a round trip of about 20 mins along farmers tracks and I told someone at the yard where I was going - OMG I was sh***ng myself! but all was well (now I prefer hacking to schooling) and I am sure you will be ok. Don't forget your confidence will grow and grow the more u get on him.

I will try and put my nerves aside and get on with it. (Eeek) I know if it all does go well I will feel so good because I will of cracked the indoor school, a hack and once ive ridden in the outdoor, I will of done everything and hopefully as you say my confidence will grow. Did you feel closer to your horse once you had done it?

 

[Spot_the_Risk]

Brilliant news secondtimearound, I hope you have a tremendous hack tomorrow and come back grinning from ear to ear!

 

[Secondtimearound]

Ill keep you informed! If I can manage to go to the yard to ride without the anxiety one day, it will be so nice. Because its not nice feeling the way I do and its not the horses fault its mine.

 

[AdorableAlice]

OP, I bought a horse in 2004. I had lost 2 horses in quick succession and although I have owned horses since a teenager, I am 53 now, I am very much a one horse rider as I keep them all their lives and they become totally trustworthy.

My new horse came from a high end dealer, was perfect when tried (twice). Got him home and within the week he had scared me witless. He was going back, rang the dealer who was fine about having him back but suggested I gave the horse more of a chance and advised me to keep him another week. I got some help and soon realised it was me that was winding the horse up. Ten years on I still have him, retired now but he turned into the most successful horse I have ever had.

Moving on to the subject of nerves and anxiety. I have been ill and my confidence disappeared big time. I have started riding again now, but I do things slowly and really try to structure my progression. Stay in your comfort zone by all means but just try to progress a little each week. Enjoy tomorrows hack.

 

[Izzwizz]

You obviously like this horse so I would say stick with him. I returned to riding after a 22yr gap aged 40. I was so like a novice rider again when as a teenager I would ride bareback, no bridle just with lead ropes as reins. 10yrs later and a lot more experienced now I know it can be done, my current mare is Hanoverian/tb so is as once described by an Instructor "a formidable equine" I also have an ISH like yours and he is just a dream. Enjoy your horse, dont put pressure on yourself, Rome wasnt built in a day. Work with your Instructor and it will all fall into place. Enjoy what you do and dont worry about what hasnt happened if you get my meaning. Have fun!

ps, spend a lot of time grooming, bathing etc, you can achieve a lot by actually not riding...

 

[Joandripple]

I will try and put my nerves aside and get on with it. (Eeek) I know if it all does go well I will feel so good because I will of cracked the indoor school, a hack and once ive ridden in the outdoor, I will of done everything and hopefully as you say my confidence will grow. Did you feel closer to your horse once you had done it?

Yes I do feel closer, but i have had him 4 years now. He can be a little monkey at times, but I know he trusts me when I'm on the ground with him. And I found this out basically 6 months into our partnership, he spooked and would not go forward past the scary bush, so I got off and he immediately shrank and I could see him basically deflate with relief that I had appeared, really weird I know. Since then life with him has been great (most of the time!) he still has his moments but I would not change him for all the tea in China!

 

[louiselowe]

WELL DONE Now do the same today tack up jump on and do your breathing and maybe a normal chit chat with instructor while walking that will relax you i will you all the luck today and if IF something happens jump back on and get in that school its early days..xx