New mare has gone wild.

I would not be pushing the riding. The mare is doing so well why not give her a week of pampering in short spells and settling into a routine.

I personally wouldn't put daughter on her until you and instructor were fully confident that mare won't call/stress. I was a really unconfident rider always, and I got very nervous riding a horse who was calling - in my head I knew it was only calling, but it would be loud and sudden and make my heart race and if your daughter feels like this she won't be happy. I was always happy as a child and as an adult to potter. I stopped riding when my 8yo daughter was riding horses I wouldn't get on 🤣 but I did enjoy looking after hers. Maybe use this time for daughter to start to enjoy brushing/picking feet up/leading etc as things settle and become safe enough.
 
I was always a chicken rider too. A horse I bought after a long break from horses (having children) would call to his girlfriend when we went out, and the deafening neigh would concern me too, because I always thought it meant he would 'do' something. But, he never did. This thread is one I have found very interesting.
 
so pleased you have turned a corner OP, very stressful situation for you, and the little pony of course. Sounds to me like your YO was making you question your purchase too. Nothing to add, lots of good if sometimes harsh advice above.

Your daughter sounds lovely, and if she enjoys the handling as much as the riding, could this be an opportunity to learn some new skills from the ground? This would really benefit the mare while she’s settling in and would be something proactive for you all. I haven’t done either of these things myself but TRT, although heavily advertised, seems popular, and have heard really good things about Ben Atkinson’s course. I do my own version of this type of groundwork/basic liberty training with my young ones during the backing process and it’s so good for bonding and manners even if the ultimate aim is to ride conventionally. Kids love it too, my daughter adores the liberty stuff.

Sounds like you’re not going to be able to return her to the seller, so time to get to work on some training…
 
Actually one thing to add - herd dynamics. I’d do a bit of research into this since she’s got attached to one particular horse - what’s best way to deal with this. My thoughts would be to keep her away from this one as much as possible to enable her to form other attachments. Perhaps do some reading or contact a few behavioral experts.

Also, Michael Peace would be my go to behaviour person if all this continues to be a struggle.
 
I was in exactly this situation some years ago with daughters new pony. Literally went from perfect pony in one home to a nightmare with us. Tied her up to get her ready to ride and we could not get near her - she stood bucking, squealing, spraying poo everywhere. She was on high alert and went from school mistress to unrecognisable. I videoed it and sent it to previous owner who was very good and we talked through the pony’s background. We gave her time to settle, we let her realise although our set up (small family yard) was quiet and not like the busy yards she had lived on before, she was still safe. She got attached and called to our other mare, but we just let her work it through. My daughter had to be patient and learnt that horses are very much affected by change and all deal with in in different ways, some shut down others don’t. 8 years on she is a better horsewoman for the experience and the mare is still so loved, semi retired after giving my daughter loads of fun! She will live her days out with us and I am glad we never sent her back. I am sure your pony will settle, it’s early days.
 
Jellymoon said:
so pleased you have turned a corner OP, very stressful situation for you, and the little pony of course. Sounds to me like your YO was making you question your purchase too. Nothing to add, lots of good if sometimes harsh advice above.

Your daughter sounds lovely, and if she enjoys the handling as much as the riding, could this be an opportunity to learn some new skills from the ground? This would really benefit the mare while she’s settling in and would be something proactive for you all. I haven’t done either of these things myself but TRT, although heavily advertised, seems popular, and have heard really good things about Ben Atkinson’s course. I do my own version of this type of groundwork/basic liberty training with my young ones during the backing process and it’s so good for bonding and manners even if the ultimate aim is to ride conventionally. Kids love it too, my daughter adores the liberty stuff.

Sounds like you’re not going to be able to return her to the seller, so time to get to work on some training…
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Lucy Chester is an excellent positive reinforcement trainer and teaches so much about signals and understanding whilst training - both inhand and ridden. I would really recommend some sessions with her for your daughter, to help build everybody's confidence up and she will also be able to work with the separation anxiety. She is based in Surrey.
 
mustardsmum said:
I was in exactly this situation some years ago with daughters new pony. Literally went from perfect pony in one home to a nightmare with us. Tied her up to get her ready to ride and we could not get near her - she stood bucking, squealing, spraying poo everywhere. She was on high alert and went from school mistress to unrecognisable. I videoed it and sent it to previous owner who was very good and we talked through the pony’s background. We gave her time to settle, we let her realise although our set up (small family yard) was quiet and not like the busy yards she had lived on before, she was still safe. She got attached and called to our other mare, but we just let her work it through. My daughter had to be patient and learnt that horses are very much affected by change and all deal with in in different ways, some shut down others don’t. 8 years on she is a better horsewoman for the experience and the mare is still so loved, semi retired after giving my daughter loads of fun! She will live her days out with us and I am glad we never sent her back. I am sure your pony will settle, it’s early days.
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This is such a lovely example.

I feel like I am learning, rather late, that plods don't necessarily help confidence long term. I'm not saying it's worth making the effort to find a forgiving horse or pony to fit confidence/competence levels, but I suppose if your normal is a horse that doesn't react much to anything then one that starts shouting will seem more of a big deal.

Confidence comes from learning the skills you need in different situations so I hope for OPs daughter there are people who can model this for her, and in the longer term her confidence will grow because she'll understand what you need to do in different situations.

I say this after a couple of weeks ago feeling out of my depth with loan horse. I've only been loaning him for a month and one day he was focused on getting back to his field buddy, calling out and not paying attention to me trying to lunge/do groundwork. I think being out in a new field was probably contributing too. I persisted a bit but in the end decided the lesson for me was to recognise the limits of my competence, keep it all calm and not escalate, adjust my expectations, and get him back to the yard then out with his friend. The following week we encountered a bear-like dog on the way to the field which got his attention but having navigated to the field safely the previous week when he was tense, I felt confident we'd be okay.

I guess my point is to slow it all down and enjoy all the seemingly tiny steps that go into building confidence and building a relationship with a new horse. That's my goal anyway!
 
Goldie's mum said:
I think your mare is managing admirably considering the stress she is under. By most people's definition she is very steady.

Have you considered that maybe your daughter isn't ready to make the big jump from riding school to owned ponies?

Could it even be possible that she is a square peg in a round hole, living your dream but secretly wishing you'd let her go to Karate instead?
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Bobthecob15 said:
I find this a very judgemental comment! OP was just looking for help!
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My suggestion is no longer relevant to this discussion since OP has confirmed it is not the case but I wasn't being judgemental, I have seen this quite a lot.

If they have always been mad keen on something the nicest person can be blind to their child's lack of interest in, or even fear of it, especially if the child feels they need to pretend so as not to disappoint.

Like I say, not relevant here but certainly common enough to be worth checking.
 
SaddlePsych'D said:
This is such a lovely example.

I feel like I am learning, rather late, that plods don't necessarily help confidence long term. I'm not saying it's worth making the effort to find a forgiving horse or pony to fit confidence/competence levels, but I suppose if your normal is a horse that doesn't react much to anything then one that starts shouting will seem more of a big deal.

Confidence comes from learning the skills you need in different situations so I hope for OPs daughter there are people who can model this for her, and in the longer term her confidence will grow because she'll understand what you need to do in different situations.

I say this after a couple of weeks ago feeling out of my depth with loan horse. I've only been loaning him for a month and one day he was focused on getting back to his field buddy, calling out and not paying attention to me trying to lunge/do groundwork. I think being out in a new field was probably contributing too. I persisted a bit but in the end decided the lesson for me was to recognise the limits of my competence, keep it all calm and not escalate, adjust my expectations, and get him back to the yard then out with his friend. The following week we encountered a bear-like dog on the way to the field which got his attention but having navigated to the field safely the previous week when he was tense, I felt confident we'd be okay.

I guess my point is to slow it all down and enjoy all the seemingly tiny steps that go into building confidence and building a relationship with a new horse. That's my goal anyway!
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The much despised plods are the horses that all of us have learned to ride on to begin with.They have tolerated our first fumbling attempts at stop,start,turn,change of pace and our first wobbly attemps at rising trot.Plods can be made a more responsive ride with correct schooling.
I think it is essential,especially for children,that the right horse/pony is found or otherwise at best there is a loss of interest and pleasure and at the worst a nasty accident.
Most of us will only ride one or maybe two horses and a lot of us may have about 10 horses over a lifetime.We don't actually have to learn to ride all sorts unless we wish to.
The Pros, when choosing the first pony for their child will choose the nearest thing to a rocking horse that they can find but with a pulse.Each new pony/horse will be carefully chosen to be at most one step up from the last one.
Yes it is a good thing to take some time with a new horse in new surroundings but not too much time.Personally I would say about 6 months.If things are not settling substantially in that time my advice is cut your losses for both your and the horses sake.
 
SaddlePsych'D said:
This is such a lovely example.

I feel like I am learning, rather late, that plods don't necessarily help confidence long term. I'm not saying it's worth making the effort to find a forgiving horse or pony to fit confidence/competence levels, but I suppose if your normal is a horse that doesn't react much to anything then one that starts shouting will seem more of a big deal.

Confidence comes from learning the skills you need in different situations so I hope for OPs daughter there are people who can model this for her, and in the longer term her confidence will grow because she'll understand what you need to do in different situations.

I say this after a couple of weeks ago feeling out of my depth with loan horse. I've only been loaning him for a month and one day he was focused on getting back to his field buddy, calling out and not paying attention to me trying to lunge/do groundwork. I think being out in a new field was probably contributing too. I persisted a bit but in the end decided the lesson for me was to recognise the limits of my competence, keep it all calm and not escalate, adjust my expectations, and get him back to the yard then out with his friend. The following week we encountered a bear-like dog on the way to the field which got his attention but having navigated to the field safely the previous week when he was tense, I felt confident we'd be okay.

I guess my point is to slow it all down and enjoy all the seemingly tiny steps that go into building confidence and building a relationship with a new horse. That's my goal anyway!
Click to expand...

Plods are really important for beginners. They need to be non-reactive and forgiving of poor balance, bad cues, etc and not challenge a beginners confidence and ability to handle situations.

For those of us who aren’t beginners but just lack confidence, like myself after coming back to riding after most of a ten year break, then yes something with a bit more about it does help build confidence.

My mare is a total sweetheart - she never takes advantage or tries to do anything to get you off. But she also will not be bullied (only time she has bucked with me is when she has napped and I’ve smacked her - I ended up on her neck and she just stood there to let me sort myself out!), and hacking alone is very spooky (usually just starts or shies, occasional spin or shoot forward depending on what has happened, but never accompanied with charging off or any bucking etc to take advantage). But I’ve learned not to react and how to calmly negotiate past obstacles - and it’s given me so much more confidence.

It’s getting to know how trustworthy they are that is the difficult bit.
 
eahotson said:
The much despised plods are the horses that all of us have learned to ride on to begin with.They have tolerated our first fumbling attempts at stop,start,turn,change of pace and our first wobbly attemps at rising trot.Plods can be made a more responsive ride with correct schooling.
I think it is essential,especially for children,that the right horse/pony is found or otherwise at best there is a loss of interest and pleasure and at the worst a nasty accident.
Most of us will only ride one or maybe two horses and a lot of us may have about 10 horses over a lifetime.We don't actually have to learn to ride all sorts unless we wish to.
The Pros, when choosing the first pony for their child will choose the nearest thing to a rocking horse that they can find but with a pulse.Each new pony/horse will be carefully chosen to be at most one step up from the last one.
Yes it is a good thing to take some time with a new horse in new surroundings but not too much time.Personally I would say about 6 months.If things are not settling substantially in that time my advice is cut your losses for both your and the horses sake.
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khalswitz said:
Plods are really important for beginners. They need to be non-reactive and forgiving of poor balance, bad cues, etc and not challenge a beginners confidence and ability to handle situations.

For those of us who aren’t beginners but just lack confidence, like myself after coming back to riding after most of a ten year break, then yes something with a bit more about it does help build confidence.

My mare is a total sweetheart - she never takes advantage or tries to do anything to get you off. But she also will not be bullied (only time she has bucked with me is when she has napped and I’ve smacked her - I ended up on her neck and she just stood there to let me sort myself out!), and hacking alone is very spooky (usually just starts or shies, occasional spin or shoot forward depending on what has happened, but never accompanied with charging off or any bucking etc to take advantage). But I’ve learned not to react and how to calmly negotiate past obstacles - and it’s given me so much more confidence.

It’s getting to know how trustworthy they are that is the difficult bit.
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Just to clarify, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with plods and am very well aware of their value. And I did say that it is appropriate to have a horse/pony which matches rider confidence/ability. It sounds like this pony will hopefully return to that state once she is settled, but I was trying to highlight there can be some positives here if the pressure is taken off OPs daughter to have to ride or do anything she is not ready for and before the pony is settled. I am not suggesting to chuck this child up on an unsettled, tense pony and tell her to crack on; just that she will hopefully still be able to learn from this experience if it's managed with care for hers and the pony's needs.
 
SaddlePsych'D said:
Just to clarify, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with plods and am very well aware of their value. And I did say that it is appropriate to have a horse/pony which matches rider confidence/ability. It sounds like this pony will hopefully return to that state once she is settled, but I was trying to highlight there can be some positives here if the pressure is taken off OPs daughter to have to ride or do anything she is not ready for and before the pony is settled. I am not suggesting to chuck this child up on an unsettled, tense pony and tell her to crack on; just that she will hopefully still be able to learn from this experience if it's managed with care for hers and the pony's needs.
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I hope you are right for everyone's sake.
 
I think given how stressed the pony sounds in her day to day life at the moment, the fact she isn’t actually doing anything terrible under saddle is really positive. She sounds genuine and like she is really trying hard to be good. I think in a couple of months time she’ll settle into the pony you viewed and you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. Keep going, try and stick to the same routine, keep her in work but keep it easy and fun, stay chilled, don’t react to her reactions just muddle along quietly give her confidence and she’ll soon settle.
 
Thank you everyone for your replies.

I do appreciate it.
Yesterday day she was a bit of a cow to catch as daughter had a lesson at midday and I think the pony just though bugger off I'm not incoming in yet.she turned her bum at me and I couldn't get her. Eventually my friend got her and lesson was good.

Today she was left in this morning as we are swapping them round so we went up at about 10:30. She was bit on edge as she hadn't been out but we lunged her and she was fine and she is now out in the filed until tomorrow morning.
Yo thinks she is a 'lovely lovely pony' and my daughter will do really well on her.

I'm hoping that with the switch over she comes a bit more chilled and things should start to settle down x
 
Tbh I would slow it right down, put a lead rein on and go for a hack round the block.

Bore your daughter to bravery, I find schooling isn’t great if I’m feeling nervy as you go past the same thing you’ve spooked at a dozen times. Our hacking you spook at something and it’s gone a minute later.
 
I’m afraid that I agree that you are still putting too much pressure on your daughter to ride this pony. Why is that?

I see this so often, not just with riding but with parents who push their kids to partake in other sports that their children either don’t enjoy or are frightened of.

FWIW I was the frightened kid who loved cuddling and looking after my pony but who, after a nasty fall, was too terrified to ride her. My parents never pushed me. After a few years I tentatively, at my own request, started riding again at a RS, initially on the lead rein. I gradually got my nerve back and became very keen again. 60 years later I’m still riding!
 
Tiddlypom said:
I’m afraid that I agree that you are still putting too much pressure on your daughter to ride this pony. Why is that?

I see this so often, not just with riding but with parents who push their kids to partake in other sports that their children either don’t enjoy or are frightened of.

FWIW I was the frightened kid who loved cuddling and looking after my pony but who, after a nasty fall, was too terrified to ride her. My parents never pushed me. After a few years I tentatively, at my own request, started riding again at a RS, initially on the lead rein. I gradually got my nerve back and became very keen again. 60 years later I’m still riding!
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At one point as a child Louise Whitaker got frightened of the pony bought for her.She did not enjoy jumping it and wanted to stop jumping.The family said OK.When she was ready to start jumping again they found her a different pony.
 
Not taking a pop at the OP at all.Their instructor may well be a very experienced and sympathetic person who will help this partnership gel.She says she only wants to see her daughter sit on a pony and look happy.However, over the years I have noticed a fair number of posts along the line of, "I have bought my daughter a pony.The pony is very difficult to ride and she has had a couple of quite nasty falls.I have told her that riding difficult ponies is the only way to learn and falls are all part of it.She says now she doesn't want to ride anymore.What can I do to make her want to start again".
Well as adults we choose whether we want to ride or not and if we do what we want to ride.Children don,t always have that choice which is why I think we have to be extra careful with them.
 
racmun said:
Thanks everyone.

I've been to the yard this evening. Her 'best friend' as bought in from the field and she started calling. She then groomed with another horse and I just left her out for another 20 minutes with one other horse.

I then took her straight in the he school to lunge her (next to her field) and she was actually very good. Called once but I worked her quite hard. She was a hot sweaty smelly mess afterwards so I needed to wash her off.

She stood to be washed and then I put her in her box and she started calling. Her other field mate is in the stable.opposite but that doesn't seem to settle her.

She was slightly better than yesterday so hopefully it will start to calm a bit.

I'm clinging onto hope at the moment
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Why did you work her till she was a hot sweaty mess. That's not going to gain her trust stuff all 😪
 
racmun said:
my daughter will do really well on her
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I wonder if the grammar here is an accident or if it is telling?

"My daughter will do really well on her" is something I hear said by parents who see their children out winning rosettes every weekend on the Pony Club teams.

"My daughter will do well with her" is something I hear said by parents who want to see their child have a great relationship with the pony no matter how much or little they actually "do".

If I put this together with an upset pony who has just been moved being called "a cow" for not wanting to be caught soon after she had been turned out, then I could be over thinking this, but the thread does read that way.
.
 
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Well to update you all, the pony has turned into the dream pony that we thought/hoped we had bought.

She's stopped the calling and is generally just a happy chilled pony. I think her best friend going away for a couple of days helped break the bond even though she is back in the field now they're not bothered by each other.

Daughter is happy riding her (no cantering or jumping yet) in the school and out hacking and is generally enjoying spending time with her grooming etc. I can already see that dds confidence is coming back when on board.

Hopefully going to go to a show in a couple of weeks, low level fun show that I can lead DD round in if necessary (judges favourite/,prettiest mare).


I was very very stressed a couple of weeks ago and the thought of it all going wrong again.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to reply.
 
racmun said:
Well to update you all, the pony has turned into the dream pony that we thought/hoped we had bought.

She's stopped the calling and is generally just a happy chilled pony. I think her best friend going away for a couple of days helped break the bond even though she is back in the field now they're not bothered by each other.

Daughter is happy riding her (no cantering or jumping yet) in the school and out hacking and is generally enjoying spending time with her grooming etc. I can already see that dds confidence is coming back when on board.

Hopefully going to go to a show in a couple of weeks, low level fun show that I can lead DD round in if necessary (judges favourite/,prettiest mare).


I was very very stressed a couple of weeks ago and the thought of it all going wrong again.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to reply.
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So pleased to hear that.Well done.Hope you all enjoy the show.Best turned out might be a good class.
 
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