Even just typing this is making me cry but I'm beginning to think of to calling it a day with Charlie. I really don't know what to do.
The poor thing has done nothing wrong but I'm scared (for no good reason) when I do anything out of the ordinary on him and it's not fair to either of us. We did a fun ride yesterday and it wasn't much fun. It was 100% my fault. We did it last year and it was amazing but the route was reversed this year and nearly all the canters were downhill. I hate cantering downhill but felt obliged to do it as I knew my friend would want to. I was hanging on, not wanting to go too fast and he got stronger and stronger, eventually (understandably) lunging down to pull the reins out of hands (only when we were already cantering). He didn't really do anything once he'd done that, just went faster than I'd like (but not flat out) and he never once went without being told to go, walking through big open fields without even jogging. He really wasn't naughty but I want to relax and enjoy these things and I just can't bring myself to with him. He was only in a snaffle so maybe a stronger bit would help but he started leaping a bit when I held him back so I think it would make that worse. The jumps were all quite big so I didn't feel like I was missing out on jumping as I wouldn't have done them anyway apart from the very last one. It was only about 18" but even though I wanted to, I just kept thinking "You've survived this far, don't wreck it now."
If someone else was writing this I'd say "look at the positives, he walked nicely, he wasn't naughty, you dealt with it" but even though I know they're there, I just can't see them for myself. I shouldn't be 'surviving' these things I should be enjoying them and he should be enjoying what he does too. His flat work is really coming on but if I'm honest he doesn't love it. He's so forwards (although this is the first time he's been too forwards) out hacking but hard work to keep going in the school. I think he'd love to be out hunting, doing fun rides and jumping but a 2' fence terrifies me. Not that long ago I was eventing at 90 with Monty. I feel like such a failure.
On the other hand, is it better the devil you know? Was it just circumstances and am I brave enough to try again to see? Am I going to be like this with every new horse from now on so should I just push through it and hope it gets better? He was as easy to stop (at the end of fields with hedges / gates looming, I'm not sure I'd have managed mid-field) in a snaffle as Archie was in a waterford gag and Archie didn't bother me once I'd got used to it. I'm fine in the school and with normal hacking and have really enjoyed the last few lessons (tiny jumping, flat and poles) so is that enough for now? The thought of going through all those 'firsts' again with another one (and I would want another one, which sounds crazy when I've just described how I'm struggling) is the main thing putting me off selling him. I also can't bear the thought of looking again, it took me 14 months to find Charlie. And do I sell him first or look for something else then sell him? I think he'd sell fairly easily but if I bought another first I'd have to put Charlie on sales livery as the new one would need his stable so that would take a chunk of money and reduce what I can spend. When I bought him, his seller did say she'd have him back if I ever needed to sell him but I don't know how serious she was and, as a dealer (albeit a lovely one), she'd obviously have to give me less for him so I'd have less for a new one then. Do I keep going over the winter and sell in spring or sell him with potential to hunt now? It's a logistical nightmare.
My head's swimming. Even while typing this I've changed my mind about six times. At the moment I'm thinking 'stop feeling so sorry for yourself and get on with it.' By the end I'll be back to 'it's time to call it a day.' I had this with Archie but it was never this bad.
I've been so spoilt with Monty, I don't think I'll ever find what I want, which is Monty again. He was quite lazy but incredibly genuine so he never said no but only just gave it enough to get the job done, which made him very safe. He would literally go with the slightest squeeze, stay at the speed I set him at and then stop with the slightest touch on the rein. He didn't know what a race was, he was so utterly happy in himself that he didn't care if he was 100m in front of anyone else (actually I don't think that ever happened!) or 100m behind, in fact he was usually grateful to stop as soon as I suggested it. He'd lollop up to a 90cm fence in the most rhythmic little canter, pop it and then go back to sleep. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times he stopped at a fence (always my fault) in 15 years and two hands the number of poles he had. He was so talented that even when I cocked it up, he was so within his level of ability he could get us out of it. We always had loads of time faults XC which was just the way I liked it but jumped clear other than once when he spooked a fence judge and once when he was really tired at the end of a huge (to me) 90 course and I didn't ride him at a ditch and rail as I was terrified of it. He just dribbled to a halt but did it the second time. He didn't really enjoy dressage but he did it - up to elementary - because I asked him to and he wanted to please me. Fun rides were lovely, I could enjoy the countryside and pop a few fences without a second thought (although I still didn't like cantering downhill, even with him). Where the hell do I find that again?
I sometimes visualise myself on a nice black and white sturdy but smart cob with thundering hooves but a stride that doesn't really go anywhere but that demon then tells me it'll be so slow I'll be bored (I'm aware of the irony after I've just complained about Charlie being too fast) or I'll get the sort of cob who will live on his forehand, pull my arms out and tank everywhere with me or I'll find another way to screw him up too by being so neurotic.
I've had this written for the last three hours and only just decided to hit post.