Not bonding with new horse

[Clarkie]

I lost my horse of a lifetime about 8 years ago and took a break from horses until now.
I just bought a 2 yo around 2 months ago but am struggling to bond with him. I spend time grooming, leading him etc but it only seems to make me feel the loss of my old horse all the more. I’m just not attached or bonding with the new guy. Do you think it’s just a matter of time, because he’s not rideable yet so we don’t have that relationship or if I don’t feel it now maybe I never will?

 

[Equi]

It can take a while or it can take work either is fine. I would focus more on letting them be a well rounded 2yo with the right behaviours and knowledge instilled in them to make them a good person for the future.

 

[EllenJay]

People put too much emphasis on "bonding". This is a very modern phenomenon and to be honest I don't really understand it. What do you expect from the horse? With a youngster, in my opinion, all you want is for him to be healthy and happy. You want him to be willing to try to do what you want, i.e. happy to lead. What more do you want?

 

[PapaverFollis]

What are your expectations of a "bond"? What do you mean by that? Is it just a feeling in you or is it behaviours you want to see in him? I would think, at 2, the horse needs to be focusing on being a horse and the owner should be happy with some basic obedience in handling.

 

[hock]

They haven’t always got loads of personality at 2. My super hero of a horse was pretty dull until we started backing him and then I was really proud of how he took to it. You’d have to rip him from my cold dead fingers now.
Maybe treat him as a project? Then back and sell him?

 

[Clarkie]

Sorry to be clear I mean bonding as in how I feel about him. I’m not attached at all and he is supposed to be the horse I keep for life. I’m not sure if it’s his personality - there’s nothing bad in it but he’s fairly stand offish, or me just not feeling it.
Its important to me to have that feeling as it’s a big time and money commitment for something I don’t adore

 

[PapaverFollis]

I think 2 months is an incredibly short time. Give it a year at least.

 

[doodle]

When I bought Tom I knew the second day I had him he was the wrong horse. I bought him after loosing 2 horses in quick succession. I had been to see various horses and none of them gave me “that” feeling. I decided I was looking for something I would never get again and so bought the horse that, on paper, suited.

I was miserable, he was miserable. I tried for 5 months to like him and was actually relieved when my then boss said to sell him. The day after he was advertised and I never rode him again. I didn’t want him to go to anyone and still felt responsible for him. Luckily I found the most amazing home for him. Instantly they loved each other, he was sweet and cuddly and never had been for me. Over 5 years later he is still with her.

Then I went to see Robin and instantly loved him. It took approx 2 mins of riding him to know he was mine. I realised that it WAS possible to have that bond with another horse.

 

[PapaverFollis]

Or you can always sell.

Up to you isn't it?

I've never really properly liked a horse in the first couple of months of owning them. They are always just too unknown in that time frame and it takes them a long time to come out of their shells anyway.

Having said that when I met MrT I knew I wanted to buy him within about 10 seconds! But once I got him home it took a while for that feeling to come back. Because he was a bit shut off because he was settling in. Same with Granny horse all that time ago. Met her in a field and fell in love. Then regretted it for about 6 months before I loved her again.

 

[shortstuff99]

I've got a 2 year old and if I'm honest I'm not as attached to her as I am my others. BUT I've only owned her a year and had her with me a few months I have had my others 10 years and 20 years! The more I start to do things with her and the more I get to know her the more attached I am, I would give it a bit longer and if you are still not feeling it then rethink your options.

 

[milliepops]

i think 2 months is not a lot of time really.
I find it takes longer than that to start to get to know them properly, and that's quickest and easiest with a ridden horse IMO, so for a 2yo I'd expect to just sit back and wait for it to develop. The only one out of all of mine, that I've felt really really attached to from the start is my foal, who I was excitedly waiting for from the first time I saw her as a black blob on ultrasound, and i pulled the membrane off her little nostrils when she was born and felt immediate heart flutters about her. all the others, it's just taken a while for them to really grow on me.

 

[nikicb]

Two months is nothing. I'd say at least 6 months to feel some sort of connection even if they tick all the boxes on a practical level. I lost my pony who I absolutely adored not long ago, and have a new pony now. My new one is very sweet, I like her and I enjoy spending time with her. Does she fill my heart at the moment? No. It's going to take a while. But I know it will come with time. If your horse is doing everything right in a functional way, I am sure you will get there. Good luck. xx

 

[paddy555]

Sorry to be clear I mean bonding as in how I feel about him. I’m not attached at all and he is supposed to be the horse I keep for life. I’m not sure if it’s his personality - there’s nothing bad in it but he’s fairly stand offish, or me just not feeling it.
Its important to me to have that feeling as it’s a big time and money commitment for something I don’t adore

I think for you to feel any sort of bond with a horse they have to give something back eg cuddles, humour/amusement/riding anything really. I have had several youngsters and apart from one young arab none of them really gave much back. In fact not only do they give nothing back they seem to take rather a lot as they misbehave or cause damage.
Then they grow up and when they get to around 5/6 they seem to develop more of a character that you can bond with.

If you want to wait long enough you may get to like him but OTOH I think it is important if you buy a horse it has the WOW factor when you first see it. The sort of "I am instantly in love and will regret it forever if I don't have you" at least for a horse who you want as a friend.

 

[shamrock2021]

I didn’t feel a attachment when I got my first horse it took me about 7 months before I got attached. Don’t give up it will happen.

 

[Ownedby4horses]

I think two months ownership is very short to expect a connection with a new horse, especially one that is very young.

Is there an opportunity for you to ride anything at the yard, so that you get back on board as maybe you are missing the riding side also?

I would say to give it some time and if weather/facilities allow you can start to do some very small things and take for nice walks etc. I think with time you’ll get that connection and you’ve got such a wonderful opportunity to shape the behaviour of your new four legged friend.

Ask yourself, if you sold him now, would you miss him?

If you’re really unhappy then now is the time to sell as the market is good.

 

[Laurac13]

I think with youngsters it takes Quite a while and 2 months isn’t long, once your riding and doing more with in hand stuff with her I’m sure you will feel different, at her age her fellow equines are probably more her priority. I also think mares can be more independent till you get them on side then they are amazing ?
I bought merlin when he had just turned 3 he was always very sweet and easy but as the years have passed we trust and love each other, he always whinnies when he sees me and I’ve just got home from his evening check we had cuddles and kisses ?

 

[DabDab]

Not unusual at all. 2yos are a bit of an odd phenomenon in general I find - they can look damned fugly half the time and be a mix of almost too meek and mild, interspersed with spikes in adrenaline...there's a good reason that 2 year olds are generally cheaper than any other age group. Part of the joy though (for me anyway) is spending 2 or so years finding all those little things to love (or not love) about them so by the time you're up and riding them you have a much better understanding of their personality straight away - it's not necessarily a better connection than if you just bought a ridden horse, but it does feel a bit different. Personally I like that, but it's not for everyone.

My now 6yo I bought at this time of year when she was 2. I bought her as a companion and didn't much like her, continued to not much like her for about another year and then gradually she crept her way into my heart. She is the absolute horsey love of my life now and I genuinely feel privileged every time I ride her. My 5yo (also bought as a 2yo) I don't feel quite the same way about, but, while she was very sweet, I felt fairly ambivalent about her until I started riding her and realised what a cracker she is.

 

[irishdraft]

I have a horse I've owned for 2.5 years I would say he's a very nice useful horse but I'm not attached to him . I bought him as an older experienced horse whereas my other horses I've had from a very young age. So although my other horse is a complete git I'm much more attached I cannot say why maybe cause I've had the journey with him who knows . But at 2 years old I probably wasn't fused about him as I had another horse to ride so I'm sure once you get doing more when he's a bit older that attachment will come .

 

[Cinnamontoast]

It took me ages. I lost a horse in traumatic circumstances when he broke his shoulder in the field. I got another pretty soon afterwards and I remember catching in, trudging up the field and wondering what the hell I’d done. He was the absolute opposite, a short cob, never dreamt I’d have one. He’s definitely my horse of a lifetime and I’m terrified at the prospect of losing him.

I think riding is part of the bonding (although not everyone rides) so maybe it’ll come eventually? 2months is a fair chunk of time, tho.

 

[Flame_]

I've never felt connected to a horse until we find ourselves in a hairy situation and the horse actually looks for instruction and does what I ask instinctively. Some horses are like that from the beginning and others takes ages (or get binned off!). I'm quite attached to my pet companion pony though, just for being a dude to have around.

 

[Bluewaves]

It took me about a year to really like my new boy. I fell in love with my first horse from the first night i got him and i've never stopped (he's retired to a field now) so it was weird having the new fella about, knowing he was my new riding horse but acknowledging i didn't love him like my main man. He also was so different - a rufty tufty cob whereas my first horse was a classy clever warmblood. I just gave it time and got to know him and appreciate his different ways. The relationship grew and now he's my wee star boy and i couldn't part with him.

 

[meleeka]

You can’t expect to feel the same in two months as you felt about your old horse after many years together. It’s a bit unfair to your new horse to expect him to be your next amazing horse after such a short time. I think it took me a year before I felt anything for mine. There’s also an element of protecting yourself I think when you’ve had your heart broken.

Concentrate on giving him a good education and try and find the positives in that. One day you might realise that he actually likes you and you him. He’s probably feeling very unsure of things too and doesn’t want to get attached in case he gets moved on again.

 

[Boulty]

I'd say 2 months is a fairly short time in the grand scheme of things, esp as horse is at an age where you can't do that much with it yet (although a bit of low key groundwork may help establish a working relationship). You've had a long break so it might take a while anyway.

I normally seem to take about 2 years & going through some crap together to "bond" with a horse. Oddly I've found the current hairy beast easier to get on with from the word go. Part of this may be the novelty of a horse who actually LIKES attention, scratches, grooming etc after 6 yrs of a horse who barely tolerated such things. (Also he was on his own in "quarantine" for the first month so sorta latched onto me due to lack of other forms of entertainment) I've still not sat on him yet so I could be wanting to strangle him by next year (Although if I've still not disowned him after he got himself chucked off the first liver yard we were on for crimes against electric fencing & also weeing in the "wrong" place it must be love right?!)

 

[scats]

It’s so hard when you lose a horse who you have such a huge connection with. I would say that 2 months is no time at all and I always think it takes a good year to fully know a horse. Perhaps take the pressure off a bit of trying to bond with him and just enjoy your time together and see what develops.
I had a dreadful habit of comparing Millie to the Diva after I lost her. Diva was just perfect in every single way and it made me frustrated and a bit sad that Millie was so spooky out hacking and so ‘off’ in the stable. I had to remind myself that Millie wasn’t Diva and it wasn’t fair to Millie to compare them. I have had to accept Millie for what she is and now we have a fantastic partnership, though I know in my heart it will never be what I had with Diva, but that’s ok. Diva was, quite simply, like the other half of me. I know I’ll never get that again and I have to make peace with that.

 

[paddy555]

There’s also an element of protecting yourself I think when you’ve had your heart broken.

very very very true.

 

[Gloi]

Sometimes it's the little things that connect you. I got a youngster who was afraid of her feet being handled. I really worked hard on getting her used to it until she was happy with it. I then got the farrier to her and she was a Star to be trimmed and I felt so much like a proud mother x

 

[Horses_Rule]

Agree with most of the above. It’s hard with young ones, unless they’re a rescue that you’ve helped nurse back to health or it’s a foal you’ve bred and so already have an emotional attachment to. I think with youngsters you buy perhaps it’s because they haven’t really given anything back? In terms of they’re just field ornaments that you don’t do much with until of riding age and they don’t tend to show much of a personality until you start doing more with them. My old girl doesn’t have much of a personality she never really has had but I love the bones of her because she’s given me some of the best days on horseback and in that regard she is irreplaceable to me. And so I have to accept that any other horse isn’t her and they have to climb their way up to their own pedestal off the back of their own merit! Take a step back and don’t try to look for the ‘bond’ you seek and then maybe he’ll start to do some little things over time that make you quite like him!

 

[Annagain]

2 months is a very short time. I'm 3 months into having my new boy and while he's great and I'm enjoying him, I don't feel the same about him yet as I do about my old man - or even my old share horse (whom I still help look after) - even though I spend more time with him at the moment as Archie is retired. It doesn't help that Archie is exceptionally cuddly whereas Charlie is just normal level cuddly, which feels quite distant to me as I'm used to Archie's head on my shoulder almost the whole time I'm with him.

I know we'll get there because, when I first had Arch 15 years ago, I felt the same about him, I'd just lost my horse of a lifetime, Ebony, and felt so guilty that I was spending all this time with another horse so soon after losing him. In the first two years I could have sold Archie several times and nearly did but I'm so glad now that I didn't. I know I'll go through all this with Charlie and we'll come out the other side stuck with each other for life!

 

[southerncomfort]

Sorry to be clear I mean bonding as in how I feel about him. I’m not attached at all and he is supposed to be the horse I keep for life. I’m not sure if it’s his personality - there’s nothing bad in it but he’s fairly stand offish, or me just not feeling it.
Its important to me to have that feeling as it’s a big time and money commitment for something I don’t adore

Is he stand offish because you are stand offish? I mean that in the kindest way. But when you've had your heart broken by losing a horse you adore, it can be very difficult to let your barriers down in case you get hurt again. He may be sensing your reticence and is keeping his distance.

My advice would be to take the pressure off of both of you. Spend time in his company just hanging out or grooming him etc. As long as he is good to lead/for the farrier etc, their is no need to do any more than just get to know him.

If you feel the same by spring, then their is no shame in rehoming him. Some partnerships just don't gel for whatever reason.

I waited 18 mths after losing my much loved mare in traumatic circumstances. I just didn't have it in me start again with another horse and I did think seriously about giving up horses for good.

Just recently a little 4 year old Fell pony gelding came in to my life and he is an absolute joy. He is in no way a replacement for my old girl, in fact he is different to her in almost every way, but I absolutely adore him already and feel really excited about our future.

I really hope things work out for you and your horse, but don't feel bad if it doesn't work. This is meant to be fun. ?

 

[TPO]

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/184303016719

This might help guide you a little