Not fitting in at livery

[Sossigpoker]

Do you think you might be taking things too personally ? The other liveries have probably been there longer so will know each other and their approach is probably to be there to enjoy their horses, not worry about anyone else. I suspect they don't know how you feel because it probably hasn't occurred to them that they are expected to make new friends. Livery yards are notoriously clicky and most horsey people have little to no people skills so don't take it personally. You do need to have a thick skin to get on at most yards unfortunately.
Enjoy your horse and focus on him/her, not what other people think or if they want to be your buddies. They probably don't even think about if your horse is a competition horse or not , so stop worrying about it and enjoy your horse!
And if you really feel uncomfortable you could always try another yard .

 

[NeverSurrender]

What would happen if you joined the group of talking people? If you wandered up and said hello, make sure you don't accidentally take over the conversation but add your own comments etc? If they stop and ask you what's up don't cower away, just tell them you fancied a chat!

Honestly I've found the best way to make friends on yards is to keep your head down and don't bitch etc but also be positive and outgoing as much as possible. Happy energy tends to attract people. Cheery good mornings to everyone, etc seem to help. Instead of aiming for a full conversation have you tried a passing comment? Eg. If someone finishes in the school and comes past with the horse say 'was he good?' or 'hes looking fab isn't he' instead of asking their past, present, and future goals! It's easier from their side too to have a short and sweet exchange which may lead to more, instead of trying to think of a whole conversation whilst they don't really know you.

It's worked for me, anyway.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

Do you need people’s approval to be there? Are you the type of person who needs to have friends on a yard? I think maybe you are over thinking this and causing yourself anxiety. Go and enjoy your horse and be with him, that’s what you are on a yard for. Not to be everyones friend.

I never go into a yard and it’s the intention of making friends. If it happens great, however I don’t need to have any as I have plenty of friends otherwise. Some days I don’t want to speak to people, that’s usually the days people want to speak to me lol.

Maybe I’m just a bit cynical and antisocial ?

 

[Pedantic]

Give it time, horsey people are all weird anyway, so don't take it too personally, as others say, wintertime, see how it goes when the sun comes out and everyone is feeling brighter.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Do you need people’s approval to be there? Are you the type of person who needs to have friends on a yard? I think maybe you are over thinking this and causing yourself anxiety. Go and enjoy your horse and be with him, that’s what you are on a yard for. Not to be everyones friend.

I never go into a yard and it’s the intention of making friends. If it happens great, however I don’t need to have any as I have plenty of friends otherwise. Some days I don’t want to speak to people, that’s usually the days people want to speak to me lol.

Maybe I’m just a bit cynical and antisocial ?

No I definitely don't need approval, but nobody likes the feeling of others talking about them, and it's just the shift in attitude that is getting to me, a few weeks ago everybody was happily chatting to me and asking me out hacking and now they don't! And the yard owner is there everyday, and she is the one reminding me of the rules frequently that I haven't even broken, or asking me to do/not to things and being quite contradictive which makes me feel as though I have done something wrong without realising but nobody is actually telling me what it is and instead just shutting me out! Even the farrier seems to be ignoring me haha!

 

[stormox]

I think you are being overly sensitive. People go to a yard to spend time with their horses, may be you should just enjoy yours, its not a social club. And with covid people really shouldnt be standing around chatting anyway. You should only spend as little time as needed to do your jobs at most yards.

 

[Smogul]

Well I haven’t really been given the chance to show if I am fun or not tbh! I’m quite easy going, if someone wants to have a gallop on the mountain I’m more than happy to, and if they just want a stroll on the road then that’s fine too, in terms of riding together in the arena’s though there’s not much opportunity to pair up and practice jumping or just having fun with the horses and playing around.

To be honest, I would think it a bit odd if someone at the yard expected me to pair up just to have fun and play around. What age are you and what age are the other liveries?

 

[stormox]

I too would think it odd if someone wanted to 'pair up' ... most people just want to do their own thing. Freindships may happen or may not. I personally find some smaller schools get a bit crowded if theres more than one person jumping at a time, especially with bigger horses.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

To be honest, I would think it a bit odd if someone at the yard expected me to pair up just to have fun and play around. What age are you and what age are the other liveries?

I'm not asking for that, I was just replying to the other person about being fun to ride with. I'm not asking to do gymkhana games in the arena or anything! I probably worded that answer wrong, just disregard what I've said there because I'm definitely not asking others to come play around with the horses in the arena haha!
And I'm 27 and there's a few difference ages on the yard, 2 girls the same age as me, 5 teenagers, a lady in her 30's, 2 ladies in their 40's, a man in his 40's, and a lady in her 60's, so quite a mixture!

I was loaning at a different yard previously however and the atmosphere was much different there, everybody had fun at all ages, it was good fun for us and the horses to do some pony-club type games now and again as a bit of a laugh, but we'd also train together too, practice jumping together, give each other a hand with putting jumps up and down on the course and it's definitely something I miss doing! I'd go back to that yard but they don't offer full livery and right now I can't do anything less than full.

 

[zandp]

Everyone's stressed at the moment, our yard has gone from a chatty place where we all got on socially to somewhere much less social and friendly feeling. Our YO and family are increasingly stressed - and all the other liveries are really stressed too but each for very different reasons.

Maybe it's just that, maybe they are annoyed at you for some silly trivial reason that doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

I'm normally quite calm at the yard but have spent a couple of evenings this week moaning about the state the other liveries leave the muck heap and hay barn so am being avoided by a few people.

I've left yards because of toxic people and YM's who won't stop that behaviour in the bud so am not unsympathetic but unless you ask the YO/YM if you've done anything wrong you won't know. And tbh the other liveries' opinions aren't worth a jot.

In your shoes I'd put it down to the stress everyone's under.

 

[stormox]

What are the covid rules on your yard? I dont think you are meant to hack out with more than one person, share school, etc. Remember a lot of people are trying to keep themselves to themselves or their small group, some may have vulnerable relatives, some may have had friends die.
Last August things were different, UK was on a lower covid rule level. Now we must get the cases down by staying apart, just do your own horse for now and see what its like in the summer.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Everyone's stressed at the moment, our yard has gone from a chatty place where we all got on socially to somewhere much less social and friendly feeling. Our YO and family are increasingly stressed - and all the other liveries are really stressed too but each for very different reasons.

Maybe it's just that, maybe they are annoyed at you for some silly trivial reason that doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

I'm normally quite calm at the yard but have spent a couple of evenings this week moaning about the state the other liveries leave the muck heap and hay barn so am being avoided by a few people.

I've left yards because of toxic people and YM's who won't stop that behaviour in the bud so am not unsympathetic but unless you ask the YO/YM if you've done anything wrong you won't know. And tbh the other liveries' opinions aren't worth a jot.

In your shoes I'd put it down to the stress everyone's under.

Thank you, I appreciate your reply, I definitely need to learn to not care about what others say too haha! I guess I'm feeling it more because I was at a yard previously where we were basically family and it's much different at the new one!

 

[CanteringCarrot]

The thing with livery yards, for me, is that I get tossed into a mix of people that I wouldn't otherwise associate with. So seeing and interacting with these people can be hard. Especially when after work I just want to chill with my horse. I don't care about the latest and greatest gossip and who is doing what. I'm sure I come off as cold to some people, although I'm civil and polite. So you may have more people that work long hours or who have a similar mentality to mine. I don't hate anyone, just not a people person and want to do my thing. I hack with other liveries from time to time.

It's also hard if you're a leisure time rider or rider with less skill than the rest of the yard that's seriously competitive. They may feel they cannot relate, have different goals, or have to remind you of things because you give off an inexperienced vibe of sorts. No idea if that is the case in reality.

Horse people are generally socially inept, don't take it personally. That and who knows what other people have going on.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

What are the covid rules on your yard? I dont think you are meant to hack out with more than one person, share school, etc. Remember a lot of people are trying to keep themselves to themselves or their small group, some may have vulnerable relatives, some may have had friends die.
Last August things were different, UK was on a lower covid rule level. Now we must get the cases down by staying apart, just do your own horse for now and see what its like in the summer.

We can hack out in pairs but we're allowed to share the schools and can have socially distanced chats on the yard as long as we're not all crowding at once! But the change in attitude has been recent, with all of the same COVID rules in place when people were asking me to go hacking and chatting etc. so that is why I'm a bit confused but I'll keep it in mind that people may be stressed or a bit busier/not up for chatting until I'm told otherwise that I have actually done something wrong. I'll continue to smile and say hello and not break any yard rules.

 

[Gingerwitch]

I have just had two bereavements this weekend gone.i am stressed at work have taken on a very difficult yards. It's been cold and wet or icy. I am going to the yard to do see and ride my horses. I could be seen as being ignorant but I am not. I just want some space away from an awful private life and a very stressful job.
I have also had a recent incident when I was being supportive of someone with a confidence crisis and explained how I felt after a recent lesson. This lovely person told all the nasty points but left out all the good points to the instructor. I stand by what I said as this was how I felt. But have apologised to the instructor as it was not said in the way it was portrayed. I will never do anymore than smile and say hello in future. So just check you have not inadvertently stepped on someone's toes or have been gossiping. If I feel folk are pushing to hard I step away.

 

[Gingerwitch]

I have just had two bereavements this weekend gone.i am stressed at work have taken on a very difficult yards. It's been cold and wet or icy. I am going to the yard to do see and ride my horses. I could be seen as being ignorant but I am not. I just want some space away from an awful private life and a very stressful job.
I have also had a recent incident when I was being supportive of someone with a confidence crisis and explained how I felt after a recent lesson. This lovely person told all the nasty points but left out all the good points to the instructor. I stand by what I said as this was how I felt. But have apologised to the instructor as it was not said in the way it was portrayed. I will never do anymore than smile and say hello in future. So just check you have not inadvertently stepped on someone's toes or have been gossiping. If I feel folk are pushing to hard I step away.

That should be difficult horse sorry xx

 

[Bluewaves]

There could well be an atmosphere at the yard that you are picking up.

Maybe there is an issue. It might not be you though.

Last year, i could feel something was going on at my yard and people were being a bit off in general. Turns out there had been a disagreement between a few of the others. Nothing to do with me but they were all affected and that's what i was feeling. The discomfort of others.

 

[stormox]

We can hack out in pairs but we're allowed to share the schools and can have socially distanced chats on the yard as long as we're not all crowding at once! But the change in attitude has been recent, with all of the same COVID rules in place when people were asking me to go hacking and chatting etc. so that is why I'm a bit confused but I'll keep it in mind that people may be stressed or a bit busier/not up for chatting until I'm told otherwise that I have actually done something wrong. I'll continue to smile and say hello and not break any yard rules.

I think since Aug when we thought it would all go away soon people weren't quite so worried about covid as they are now. I certainly dont chat/hang around anywhere. Its do my jobs and get home.
Things have changed so much - more deaths, new variants....... if I was you I'd just ride, do jobs, say cheerio and go. See how things pan out it might all be different in a few months.

 

[Bernster]

Obv we can’t know the actual story so this is all speculation, but a couple of things came to me reading this thread - often it’s not necessarily about you, people have their own stuff going on and its more about them and less about you. COVID is making everything weird and affecting people differently.

Yards also have their own atmosphere and maybe this one takes a bit of getting used to. I’d agree about being polite and friendly but not trying too hard.

If something has changed and it seems directed at you, I’d politely ask to check you haven’t inadvertently done something that’s upset or broken the rules, particularly speak to your YM as that sounds like it’s coming from something specific.

I wouldn’t generally ask a lot of questions about my horses as I trust that for full livery they do what they are supposed to. I’d maybe just ask how they are (the staff) and then how the horse has been.

 

[Chianti]

trust me on this , if you were on a bad yard you would absolutely know. You are just experiencing the jitters . Your horse is your baby and you are in full protective mode. Everyone else around you also feels the same. I am 65 ,had horses all my life , am totally paranoid when it comes to Bob.

 

[Murphyisanumpty]

Honestly, I am the person that doesn't like to stand around talking to people. I say hi, comment on the weather etc. But I hate to stand and chat, I hate to ride out with other people, I hate to share the arena..... I am there to spend time with my horse, I want to school my horse using the entire arena not a 20 m circle. It is the only downtime I get in the day. My job is talking in making small talk with people I don't know, I don't want to have to do it when I'm off the clock. 'Its not you, its me'

If you are at a busy yard with full livery, competition or not, I suspect a lot of people simply want to go to spend quality time with their horse.

Don't worry about what other people think of you.... most people are too wrapped up in themselves to judge. If they are judging, then you don't want them to be your friend any way.

However, don't stop asking questions. I have owned horses for 30 years, I still ask questions. Answers I take with a pinch of salt, but I like to get people's perspectives, and I always like to learn something new!

 

[poiuytrewq]

I’d feel the same as you op. I’m a bit of a pansy ?
I’d also find it really hard to wander over to a group of people chatting and just join in.
Do you have a yard what’s ap or group chat type thing? The livery yard my daughter was as for a time did and people would often post “hi, I’m going for a plod round the village tomorrow at 2pm if anyone want to join me” etc
Or maybe even a notice board or something where you could maybe pop a note saying your riding out and it would be lovely if anyone fancies joining you?

 

[canteron]

It takes time. Similar situation - I was told to ‘fake it till you make it’ just imagine the person really likes you so you can say a warm ‘good morning’ (or whatever) but don’t push it after that.
I am sure you will be fine, you sound lovely!!

 

[LJF0664]

It may be a combination of Covid restrictions & bad weather making people less likely to be social. So long as there aren't any major issues on the yard, I would keep being friendly, then once restrictions are lifted (and the weather is better), start asking if people are hacking at the weekend.

At the moment restrictions only allow you to ride out with 1 other person, making it hard for people to reach out and include an extra person if they already have plans. I would also make sure you let them know what sort of pace you hack out at, and include that your horse is good in company. Personally I have a forward horse who gets in a strop if I continually have to keep her at a slow walk. Even though I love hacking in company, I would avoid going out with someone if I don't know their horse, as its no fun all round if we are not well matched!

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

I don't think I would pay full livery for a yard that had no lights in the arena, most people pay full livery as they are at work during the day and then go up to ride in the evenings.

 

[Leandy]

We can hack out in pairs but we're allowed to share the schools and can have socially distanced chats on the yard as long as we're not all crowding at once! But the change in attitude has been recent, with all of the same COVID rules in place when people were asking me to go hacking and chatting etc. so that is why I'm a bit confused but I'll keep it in mind that people may be stressed or a bit busier/not up for chatting until I'm told otherwise that I have actually done something wrong. I'll continue to smile and say hello and not break any yard rules.

Honestly I think people are getting used to being wary of each other for Covid reasons, sad as it seems, so may not be as welcoming and close and chatty as previously. This third lock down is much harder I think, many people seem to be far less inclined to be optimistic that it will end soon and plan because we were there before and many seem more cautious about about the future now. I think you probably need to make a bigger effort as others are saying. It may well be that previously you were the newbie and they did make a conscious effort to include you but you are no longer the newbie and it is now your turn to reciprocate and proactively participate. Maybe they feel they reached out and now aren't getting much back? Are you perhaps more shy and anxious than they are? It sounds as though you may be so make some plans. Take in cake one day and share it round, suggest hacking to a few different people at different times and see what happens. Suggest a time for jumping so you can share putting up the jumps etc. Just try to be open but not too pushy. It may be though that if the others have smart competition horses and you don't that they just like doing different things or are more focussed on their training and schooling, or are indeed having more down time as there are no competitions. There is a time and a place for a lot of socialising though, and during lockdown isn't it. The one thing I would search my conscience about though is continually being reminded of yard rules. Which ones are you being reminded about? Are you sure you are complying with them fully? It may be inadvertent and not intentional at all but are you maybe the messy slapdash one who forgets to put stuff away, forgets to pick up droppings from the school, picks out feet on the yard and leaves a mess, forgets to turn off lights etc etc whereas they are all neat freaks? Just have a quiet word with the yard manager next time they mention a rule and get them to explain exactly what you did or didn't do that you shouldn't have done, so you can be extra sure you won't do it again. Perhaps their standards are a little different from what you are used to.

 

[Evie91]

Honestly, I am the person that doesn't like to stand around talking to people. I say hi, comment on the weather etc. But I hate to stand and chat, I hate to ride out with other people, I hate to share the arena..... I am there to spend time with my horse, I want to school my horse using the entire arena not a 20 m circle. It is the only downtime I get in the day. My job is talking in making small talk with people I don't know, I don't want to have to do it when I'm off the clock. 'Its not you, its me'

If you are at a busy yard with full livery, competition or not, I suspect a lot of people simply want to go to spend quality time with their horse.

Don't worry about what other people think of you.... most people are too wrapped up in themselves to judge. If they are judging, then you don't want them to be your friend any way.

However, don't stop asking questions. I have owned horses for 30 years, I still ask questions. Answers I take with a pinch of salt, but I like to get people's perspectives, and I always like to learn something new!

A lot of the time this describes me too! I have a stressful job, currently share a horse so means I get to ride only twice a week- therefore as selfish as it sounds I want to do what I want, ideally when I want. I’m very particular over who I hack with- my horse time is my de-stress time and is currently very limited, so I don’t want to give up my enjoyment to nanny someone else, I could, but at the moment choose not. Yes it does make me selfish but if I was riding more often I’d also do my share of nannying. Basically what I’m saying is that everyone has their own stuff going on, so don’t take it too personally.
Plus with current COVID restrictions if I hack with anyone it’s my good friend as our only chance to catch up!
I think you’ve had some really good advice, keep being friendly but not OTT- the people who are usually the ones who are the MOST friendly initially, tend to be the ones to avoid!

 

[Schollym]

Thank you both for your input, in regards to the feed question I should have specified that I only asked that the one time before I bought supplements to add in, but when I ask other questions I’m just wondering how my horse is doing and what he’s been up to as I can only see him 4 times a week and the horses don’t really have a set field schedule so he may not go out for a few days at a time, so in that respect I’m also wondering how fresh he’s going to be before riding lol.

And this is the thing, a lot of the other liveries do tend to stand around chatting, or going out hacking with each other, but nobody seems to approach me or ask me to go out anymore and I don’t know why. I also keep getting reminded of the yard rules recently which I never actually break, and being asked to let the staff know what days I’ll be going to the yard even though I’m there at the same days/times every week, and will always say to the staff “see you (whatever day)” before leaving.

So either I’m overthinking or there’s a breakdown in communication or I’ve done something wrong without realising.

This is your hobby which you should be able to enjoy, if you are not happy consider moving yards. We were at one yard for several years ( we were DIY) on a mixed yard with a lot of competition horses but were still part of the group. One new livery who was friends with another existing livery there managed to change the dynamics and we found it became unpleasant. We are now on a rented yard on our own, no school, no horse walker but no feeling that we are not wanted.

 

[doodle]

Everyone is grumpy just now. It happens every year at the same time. Add a grumpy yo worried about running out of hay/bedding/fields being trashed. Then horses out less and worked less so being and the yard becomes a boiling point. Spring seems a long way away and owning a horse becomes more work and less fun (admitted I am diy rather than full). Add covid to the mix and people are ready to kill each other for dropping a strand of hay.

I am an anti social stress head at the best of times and if I am having a bad day I don’t want to talk to people. I go, do my horse and come home. I think everyone else is the same just now.

I think the suggestion of a short cheery comment is good. If I feel more chatty a quick “she is looking great” comment usually results in a positive reaction and maybe a “thanks, so does yours” which you can continue.
If you are constantly asking “did my horse go out today” “ what is he fed” a tired yo/staff member can see that as you not trusting them and a negative reaction.

 

[Cluelessblonde]

Awh livery yards and politics! I'm honestly one of those people to chats to the wall. So everyone knows me either they want to or not. First thing, compliment their horse. Just say the likes of can I just say ur horse is beautiful or I saw ur saddle it's beautiful. Not in a I want to ride or borrow ur stuff kinda way. Second some people just keep themselves to themselves. A lot of people in horse industry have the same friends for years and years and don't do well with new people. Just chill it's hard when u feel kind of unwanted but remember they don't know u and if u don't want to get to know u it's their loss. relax and concentrate on ur horse at the yard. The last yard I was on they're was a girl who was lovely but we totally misunderstood each other. She thought I was too loud and I thought she was rude but we just learnt to breathe and accept each other. She loved her horse and so did I. We we're always the only people on the yard at the same time so ended up being friends. Definitely breath and just give people a chance cause normally people who take a while to warm up are keepers as friends. Do not try and be their friend just be polite, pleasant and open to friendship but equally don't take any crap ur paying for a service. Also side note, at the start it's ok to ask did he get fed etc after that leave it. It's comes across that ur questioning their ability to look after. Understand the yard routine and then ask the likes of is he behaving himself/herself? That way I'll actually find out what's going on rather than coming across like u don't trust them.