Not horse advice i need this time :(

J

jordanross

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Hi guys i dont know how to say this but i have a stalker whose making my life hell.

I have a partner of 11 years already and if im completley honest.....I started having a romance with another lad. we didnt have sex or anything like that. but he got into me in a big way. My partner spends ALOT of time away as he as his own house in the lakes. for the past 8-9 years we lived with each other full time. but his love of the lakes meant he got a house there which was supposed to be a weekend thing. but it seems to have turned more perminant. in a way its great...i get lots of free time to myself but i do get lonely....anyway back to the story> I met this lad and we started going for lunch etc etc...and i knew it was wrong of me not to mention i had a bf. but i didnt.

anyway the more time we spent together the more he grew to like me and me him. but then over the past few days he got strange with me...I recently gave up smoking, i did 109 days but then started again over all the stress with daphi ( not good to start again i know) anyway when he found out he exploded into a fit almost and to be fair. scared me. telling me i was wrecking my life smoking blah blah blah.... it got to the point when my freind carl came round....wed go hide to smoke cigs if this guy was at my house. i also LOVE going on the sunbeds.... and last week he told me...I should use them again. LOL! I was just shocked....so shocked i couldnt tell him to mind his own f*cking business!
then he had a childish tantrum in front of my freinds just the other night... it was horrible! I dont even get this from my long term partner! I decided he had to go and not make any further contact with him....the guy is not stable! Ive told him thats IT. we are finished. but he wont give up and now im scared of him. he sent me flowers yesterday which i refused deilvery of and told the shop that sent them NOT to send any more flowers to my house.
Then today from another flower shop he had delivered another massive display of flowers.

Im in big trouble and dont know what to do.

first thing is i know i shouldnt of got involved at all with another guy and some of you may say its my own fault.
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but i was lonely ... and enjoyed his company. that was basically it but he saw alot more in it.

second thing is I know my long term partner will understand if he gets to find out. and i think when he arrives home later i,ll tell him everything because if i dont he is going to find out anyway if this guy keeps sending me flowers and things.

thirdly is im worried about how he is going to react when i dont give in... hes already showed he can be quite aggressive when things dont go his way. i live out in a house on my own in the middle of nowhere really. Daphi my horse is stabled here.... so i worry about her etc...

sorry for going on i just dont have anyone i can talk to about this except my freind carl but hes at work today.
 
Hmmm, tricky, very tricky.
First of all, I would be talking straight away to your partner - let him know about your worries and everything, the flowers, the meetings, the lot.
Then tell the stalker that you are in a long term relationship and you won't be dating him.
Lock up the doors/gates etc and maybe ask your OH to stay with you for a while if at all possible.
Then try to sit it out....
If things don't improve and he doesn't give up, contact the police every time he hassles you, that way you might have a bit of ground to get a restraining order against him maybe?
 
I think you will need to come clean with your long term partner. The other guy sounds like a control freak. You may need to think about taking out an injunction if he won't leave you alone. Let us know what happens.
 
Tell your OH everything and go from there. That way this loony cant threaten to tell him because you will already!

If he continues to be a nonsense, involve the police, your post comes across in a way that suggests you are genuinely afraid of what he is capable of.
 
Jordan

Tell your partner everything and I am sure he will give you the support that you need right now, it sounds to me like a friendship has turned into fatal attraction.

log any thing the other lad does so if need be you can get a restraining order, chin up keep smiling and I hope it all works out
xx
 
ditto the above advice really, i think you need to come clean to your OH and if he understands as you say he will, ask him for his support in the matter maybe and if possible for him to come down for a while so you can present a united front as it were, and again as above if said 'stalker' wont leave well alone get some kind of injunction or restraining order.

and as for Daphi well do you really think this guy would be so spiteful? If so and you are genuinely concerned for her well being in terms of this guy then look into moving her onto livery for a while maybe

hope it all comes right, good luck xx
 
I would try and move your horse too for a while if you can and then that part of the worry is avoided. I had problems with an ex once but I knew he wouldn't hurt my horses so I just kept having to ignore things he sent me, ignore any calls and the urge to answer and tell him to sling his hook etc! if he turned up at the yard my YO was told to escort him off. I found it really hard as he was a nice guy (normally) but just got screwed up over it. It took me almost 2 years to stop any comms. i did however get an e-mail off him about 6 months ago saying he still missed me and that is 8 years on!! what can I say, I'm irresistable!!
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On a serious note, move your horse and maybe stay at a mates if you OH wont stay with you. not sure i would want to if my OH confessed all that to me. Then just keep ignoring any advances,change you phone numbers etc any attention you give him, even if it is negative is encouraging him. It wont be a quick process but you just have to keep at it
 
Its a amazing how a person can change once they can no longer have what they want or control someone, the guy is obviously obsessed.

I was hounded by a an ex for a long time, one minute they would be nice, telling you how much they long for you, how much they would change, sending you things, next day that would all turn to anger, threatening phone calls, text messages and even hounding you at work, threatening to kill themselves and blaming you for every bad move they made.

It was very stressful and tiring time for me, I actually had a car accident because of all the sleepless nights, it effect the way you think and work, you eventually become a nervous wreck because you just don't know their going to do next.

They will also try to get close to what ever you have by either seeking comfort from it or hurting it, this person actually went up to my livery yard to see my horse, he'd lost the plot and turned to drink, I didn't even know he's been up there until the YO asked me what this person was doing up there.

So please take every precaution you can to ensure your horse is safe, log calls, change your mobile, speak to the guy in calm but straight to the point kinda way and tell him that this will be the last time you speak and politely tell him that its over and then that is it, don't even return any messages or calls that he makes you because that is there way of control.

Just remember that that things will get better, must you may have to ride the storm first and it is something that you brought on yourself, so long as you can make things right now and move on.

Hope things work out.
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Sound advice to tell your OH Jordan. A few years ago I had a stalker problem with a guy that I ended it with. He sent flowers, poems and tapes. He drained the oil out of my car and stuck notes on my house door pretending to be another bloke saying "thanks for last night". He was trying to get my new partner to think I was cheating on him. It took extreme measures to get him to stop. Come clean to your OH then at least it takes the power away from the stalker one.
 
Thanks for your support guys. Ive told my partner and he understood if not a little dissapointed in me. But i did the right thing and came clean and told him how id been feeling lonely and that it probably went a little too far because i was flattered. this guy made me feel nice and wanted and stuff.

My long term partner is a big lad, im not too worried about anything when hes around. he wont stand for no nonsence but i just dont want it to go that far. even though this guy is being a pest now... I dont want him getting hurt. or me... or my partner for that matter.

hes sent me over 29 texts today asking to speak to me and bringing up every thing in the book to ill reply. but im not going to. i am upset its had to be like this and i feel sad cos i know he really likes me. but the fact is, i have a boyfreind. and even if i didnt i wouldnt want a man in my life who is going to try and control me the way he did!

I just hope he gets over it quickly. leaves me and my little family alone and thats that! Ive told my best freind this afternoon and he said if he starts any nonsense i should go to the police ( like alot of you guys said to do as well) i just hope it doesnt go that far.


On a lighter note. i rode daphi down the main road this morning to take my mind off things . it was great! I have NEVER rode her on the road yet ever so i was really nervous but stayed confident and she was fine. I have been walking her in hand for a few weeks now down the same route so figured and try her and she came good so im really pleased about that
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